bizarreville

Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”.  It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970’s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land.  Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation.  And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other.  Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.

Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines.  They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you.  And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!”  Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story:  good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.

The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook.  He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public.  But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost.  He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims.  “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”

Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable.  The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

“Shut up.  Don’t talk.  Don’t whisper.  Don’t even mouth any words.  Don’t let your body make any sounds whatsoever.  Got that?  None.”  This was the language that the President reportedly used in his recent one-on-one performance review with the Vice President.  Reports are that he was issued a ‘Needs Significant Improvement’ rating due to his general incoherency and his tendency to choose the absolute wrong thing to say at the wrong time.  The latest fumblerooskie during the Health Care bill passage celebration was by no means the sole reason for the special performance review.  But the Office of Stupidity Counts (OSC) indicated that the VP has broken the modern day record for foot-in-mouth incidents since he was nominated for the post, and the President finally said enough is enough.

A senior aide to the Vice President has been issued a vaudeville-era stage hook, and was instructed to carry it with him at all times…public events, private events, non-events.  “He may need to even use it when the Vice President is sitting on the john, if the guy can’t keep his trap shut,” a White House staffer said.

The VP allegedly has agreed to remain on Probation, even though there is technically no Constitutional language that covers Probation or dismissal of a VP on blabbermouth grounds.  But insiders say that the President is not concerned, and will just instruct the Congress to pass a law “regardless of any Constitutional mumbo-jumbo”.  He specified that they should just call it an amendment to the Health Care bill, or something…but just get it done.

An alternate remedy was to duct tape his pie hole shut with 6 wraps around his head.  But staffers couldn’t locate enough duct tape to accomplish the needed sound-proof seal.

The Vice President supposedly has been humbled by the whole experience.  But insiders say that he is busy learning sign language to get around the official restriction, and still satisfy his addiction to mindless blabbering.  Experts in sign language say that it may take quite a while before the VP is adept enough to make stupid statements in sign language, and by that time, he will probably be gone.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were really true.

Last year, the President and his team had built an ugly junky car out of spare and scavenged parts from the worst cars in automotive history:  the Edsel, the AMC Pacer, the Plymouth Horizon, the Chevette, and many more.  The result?  Not only is it ugly, but it represents a compilation of the worst engineered components in modern auto history with a fuel tank ready to explode, window cranks that fall off, an air conditioning system that smells like Pittsburgh Steeler armpits, and body panel fit and finish only Rube Goldberg could love.  It is a genuine piece of unadulterated  $#!t.

But now, he is trying to sell it at a special White House car auction.  The bidders are not allowed to see the  $#!t-mobile, but can only base judgements on his verbal descriptions of the car, apply the “lying freaking politician” adjustment factor, then ultimately decide on whether to bid or not.  Most sensible enthusiasts have told him to fly the fabled kite…but there are some patsy-types that have indicated their pseudo-desire to participate.

The President has decided to be his own pitchman, and has gotten blanket media coverage pitching what he claims are the 3 important aspects of the new Obamamobile:

• First, it is the most reliable car of all time.  It has been specifically over-designed, over-developed, over-built, and over-tested to make sure it won’t fall apart on a lonely road.  Money has been no object in making a masterwork that cannot be bent or broken even when severely abused by Republican cowboys.  It is chock full of iron, gussets, torque arms, cross-frames, and fiddle flammers.
• Second, it is a style-setting classic, reminiscent of the 1940’s Packard Clipper, the 1950’s Studebaker Conestoga, the 1960’s Rambler Ambassador, or the Checker Taxicabs still in use today, and a design that Andy Warhol would have been proud of.  It will deliver the oooohs and aaaahs, when driven through your neighborhoods, as people smirk, snicker, smile, and point as you drive by.
• Third, it is a one of a kind investment that will escalate in value.  It is a much better than some quirky mutual fund recommended by a stockbroker whose performance has never beat an index fund, a bank CD that has to go to 4 decimal points before you get to a number other than zero, or a chunk of gold being hawked by G. Gordon Liddy.  It is a real hard asset that will rise exponentially in value as collectors clamor to buy it away from you.

It is not clear what may or may not happen once the “lucky” bidder sees his newly acquired treasure for the first time.  But an extra patrol of armed Secret Service agents will be on hand in case there is some unruliness after he realizes he’s been buffaloed…and will then escort him to the parking lot to help him into his new dreamboat.

Insiders indicate that the President is partly conflicted with his strong desire to unload this piece of crap on one hand, while feeling guilty of the unsavory process on the other hand.  But in the end, he rationalizes, the buyer will eventually get over it.  “People move on.  You can’t dwell on things forever.” 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The President had announced with great fanfare the birth of a new Budget deficit reduction commission…a blue ribbon committee charged with taking a close examination of the deficit and deciding what actions could be taken.

But there was a problem, which staffers inside the White house later described as a cluster F#&*.  The President had privately instructed his Deficit Czar to organize a toothless effort to study deficit reduction.  And naturally, the obedient-to-a-fault Czar started tracking-down and recruiting candidates with no teeth.

He had started with the National Hockey League, particularly with retired players who played in the era when men were men…no helmets, no mouthguards, proud of getting into bloodbaths on the ice and pulling the jersey over an opponent’s head.  These guys proudly displayed their toothless displays as a badge of honor.  But, unfortunately, these fellows, a bit battered from too many slap-shot pucks to the noggin, said they were not interested unless they would hold the committee meetings on the ice.

Next they went to the Bizarreville Affordable Dentures office to do some recruiting in the lobby.  But a lot of these people were only about as smart as a congressman, so could not pass the basic intelligence test.  Plus, the Czar was not sure if people with false teeth truly qualified as “toothless”, and he was just a bit too nervous to ask the President for clarification.

But finally the team managed to scrape together enough toothless wonders to have a meeting, and the cuts began.  The first item to get cut was, as no surprise, all government-sponsored dental care.  All dental programs for government employees, military personnel, and officials would be gone…zip.  Savings would be in the multiple billions.

Next item cut:  Food Stamps.  Their rationale was if people don’t have food, they can go to the soup kitchens like the rest of us.  Or they can just make their own soup, just like grammaw used to do.  More billions.

Third cut:  All earmarks.  No one at the toothless table knew what an earmark was.  So they just cancelled them all.  More billions.

The Gummers started going nuts on all the frivolous spending on National Endowment of the Arts, studies of Polar Bear mating habits in Alaska, embryonic stem cell research, and Acorn – whatever the hell that is.  They cut out Medicaid completely but agreed to provide each current Medicaid recipient with a bottle of Vicks VapoRub to help with the transition. 

In the end, the Toothless Deficit Commission cut out hundreds and hundreds of little streams that were flowing into Pisswater Channel, and figured out how to balance the whole budget without a tax increase.  But when they presented their study to the President, he looked puzzled and dumbfounded.  All he could say was, “Ahhh…errr…ummm…duh…I mean….hmmmmm.”  But the President thanked the committee for their good work, complimented them on their wholesome “rural beauty”, but indicated that he had to leave for a security briefing in 5 minutes as he gave them the bum’s rush.

He gently placed the study into File 13 on his way out the oval office door.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

The President announced that he has scheduled a meeting with Republicans in Congress to air out their ideas on health reform.  He also indicated that he will be using the newly released Bumco “Deaf Ear Listener” unit during the meeting to help get him through the meeting he described as “potentially excuciatingly boring and anti-productive”.

The Deaf Ear Listener(DEL) is an innovative new product that appears to be ideal for Democrats in government.  It is a very small unit that fits snugly in each ear, camouflaged to look like excess ear wax buildup.  The DEL effectively blocks the wearer from hearing any external sound, while a small chip inside the unit gently plays “The Best of Bread” songs inside his/her ears.  It just came out and sells for $59.95 a set, but there is already a hefty order backlog.

Inside sources say that the President will maintain a pensive, thoughtful look on his face to make it look like he is actually listening to the Republicans.  A reporter asked about what the President will do if someone asks him a question.  “Simple,” the White House spokesman replied.  “He will just give some canned response that will have nothing whatsoever to do with the question asked…basically just like he does now.  It is doubtful that anyone will know the difference.”

The insider said it is important for it to look like the President is listening to contrary ideas, especially in front of cameras.  “But at the same time, all that squealling and chattering could potentially stress the President out…may even cause him to lose his appetite at dinner.  The DEL is an excellent choice to protect his health and well-being.  More American ingenuity at work!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The medical community is still befuddled over the continuing spread of the Palin-ophobia epidemic which has hit liberal circles and conclaves very hard.  The outbreak seems to be hitting the liberal punditry particularly hard, who have been seen trembling and stammering by the few people who actually watch them on TV.  Lib leaders are nervous that their solid media network is coming unglued and rattled by each of Palin’s trivial acts, and causing them to lose focus on the business at hand:  Spending Money Fast.

The latest phobia panic came when Palin addressed a National Tea Party convention in Nashville, and had written some notes to herself on the palm of her hand.  Naturally, the phobiacs went into hyper-freak.  “I stopped doing that kind of stuff in high school after my fifth detention for cheating on tests,” a Democratic inner-city congressman admitted.  “I finally had to memorize who the First president of the U.S. was….Washington, wasn’t it?”

It is nervous times for the Libs, and they want answers to deal with Palin-ophobia before it is too late.  They have gone to the government-funded Medical Research Boondogglery Commission to try and find research studies that have analyzed syndromes like Palin-ophobia.  But the Boondogglery has found nothing quite like this, although they did find interesting psychological studies of the mating practices of long-term civil service employees…with pictures.

Meanwhile, the jittery Lib leaders are pursuing possible medication alternatives to help calm them down.  They have tried to make a case for being able to obtain medical marijuana in California, but even the whacko doctors out there have refuse to prescribe it for Palin-ophobia.  “I think those reefer-brains are just making an excuse to get some cheap dope,” one doctor speculated.

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.

The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour.  He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?”  He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.

His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest.  Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace.  Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns.  Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.

Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio.  The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%.  Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch.  He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month.  Bottom line:  it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization.  The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations.  The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.

The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon.  During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants.  He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days.  Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s  American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”

They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week.  During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance.  But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term.  Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.

When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth.  “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)…  curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The President met with Republican congresspeople last week to call them obstructionist idiots, whiney cry babies who need changed, and meatloaf lovers.  He raked them over the coals for several hours, while trying to jam down a turkey club sandwich during pauses in the action.

He then held out an olive branch of sorts and offered to have them participate in resolving the nation’s difficulties…as long as they keep their stupid ideas to themselves.  “I see you GOPs as people who can ask good, respectful questions, challenging the real leaders on our ideas,” said the President.  “You can also go get us coffee, and if you want to make a little extra money, perhaps shine our shoes.  You know, you guys can probably get 10 bucks a pair, plus tips…could haul down a helluva lot of dough…hey, I’d pay 20 skins for a first-class shoe shine myself.”

The President chided them that they better help pass Health Care, or he would sign an Executive Order cancelling Health Care for all registered Republicans in government service.  “Can he do that?” asked a junior congressman from Alabama.  “Hey if these guys can whip up shady sweetheart deals for labor unions, and connive shams for certain pesky senators without legal repercussions, I guess they can do ’bout anything,” responded a senior colleague.  The President told them that they had one week, no more, to get with the program…the cancellation order has been drafted and is sitting in his InBox.

Republican leaders reminded the President that they are in the super-minority, and were getting steamrollered by Democrats.  Previous attempts by GOP members to even suggest a change or two were met with spit takes that just got themselves and their staffers soaking wet.  “Nothing worse than getting splashed with coffee-laden drool from those germ-infested creeps…with all due respect, of course,” commented one congressman.

They also reminded him of the recent elections in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Virginia with big GOP victories, suggesting that the President’s grand plans were fizzling with people.  But the President brushed that off, placing blame on himself for not communicating his message well enough with those citizens.  “There are some places in the country where people just don’t seem to listen well,” he said.  “Call it ADD, call it multi-tasking overload, call it thick skull syndrome.  But from now on, repetition, repetition, repetition…then when we think they’ve had enough, a repetition strudel for dessert.”

There was some confusion during the session when the President said, “I’m not an idea log,” which drew various snickers and cat-calls.  For some odd reason, the audience thought he said “ideologue”, which would have certainly been an outright lie given his strong Marxist beliefs and his oft stated ultra-liberal positions that the government should run just about everything.  But later he clarified, “I just don’t keep a chronology on every idea that comes my way.  I have high-paid flunkies that do that for me…and do it quite will, I might add.”

When all was over, the President mingled with the crowd and gave big bear hugs to his adversarial colleagues.  “Hey I still love ya’,” he said with a big smile.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

An epidemic of Yawn Flu was reported by hospitals nationwide last night.  Doctors are puzzled by this sudden outbreak of cases that have numbered in the hundreds of thousands.  Emergency rooms were reported to have been backed up several blocks long in the wee hours.

Normally considered a rare affliction, Yawn Flu forces its victims to yawn almost continuously, resulting in breathing difficulties.  Causes are not completely understood, but onset appears to be caused by some kind of external force that sucks all the oxygen out of its victims.  In many cases, the event seems to have been accompanied by an excruciatingly boring event that leaves an indelible pock mark on the victim’s brain.

The treatment that works best according to yawnologists is to lay the victim down in bed, strap on an oxygen mask, and have the victim watch non-stop Three Stooges reels, featuring Curly.  Doctors say that Shemps are not nearly as effective, and are discouraged from use.  A more controversial treatment is to play Jimmy Buffet songs in the background, put a couple parrots in the room, and load the victim up with frozen margaritas.

Recovery can often take several days or weeks before the boredom toxins are fully flushed from bodily tissues.  And even after released, the victim can become reinfected by things as simple as watching a high school band perform during football halftime, calling a mother-in-law, or even waiting in line at a Starbucks.  So caution should always be used to keep the victim as far away from boredom triggers as possible.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already knew that.

Many of the obscure cable networks are licking their chops at what could be a major, major ratings opportunity for them tonight.  Programming chiefs are scurring to rearrange schedules and poring through their archives to find and offer their best programming material for this once-in-a-blue-moon special night.

The excitement began to brew when recent polls were released showing that a record number of people would NOT be watching the President’s State of the Union diatribe tonight.  Viewership could reach the lowest level since the Eisenhower administration.  Citizens who participated in Focus Group interviews showed frustration bordering on exasperation with the government’s ineptitude when it comes to listening to the voices of people on the major issues of the day:  jobs, economy, jobs, health care, and jobs.  Respondents said, “If these candy-asses won’t listen to us, then we won’t listen to them.  Bring on the Animal Planet’s Greatest Hits.  Bring on Paula Dean to give us a primer on the use of butter.  Bring on that thrill-packed basketball match between WhoCares College and Bum F*$#!  University.”

With all the major networks and many news-oriented cable networks committed to covering the boring State of the Union speech, the even boring-er Republican response, and the epitome of boring Talking Head analysis of what was just said, tens of millions of TV watchers will be power-pushing the remote button to find something, anything that would have just a modicum of interest.

Many obscure cable networks have sent emergency emails to their advertisers informing them that ad rates will be going up by 50% or more during this 2-hour time slot…almost like their version of SuperBowl Sunday.  Not surprisingly, the networks have said they have gotten very little pushback on this hike.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Pundits in Bizarreville had been anxiously anticipating to have an Argument field day with the latest Supreme Court decision opening the floodgates for Corporations and Unions to dump bucket loads of cash into political candidate campaigns.  Many feel this could greatly impact election results, by ushering-in the quid pro quo set with pockets full of cash ready to buy influence at discount prices.

But at a recent charity dinner attended by Bizarreville’s top CEO’s, it would appear there is not much to worry about.  “They all suck,” spouted William O. Burff, Chairman of BizarroBank.  “Why would we want to piss money away on those two-bit clowns?  Would rather take the cash and use it as a wipe…at least that would serve one purpose.”

Gerald Funkshmitz, CEO of Bizarreville Rubber and Rubbers agreed.  “If one of those guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour runs for office, say that Larry the Cable Guy fellow, for example…well then, yes, we would probably kick in some major dough for his campaign.  The rest of those knuckleheads out there running?  Just a bunch of friggin’ lawyers who missed becoming partners.  Why would I trust those  f*#*$!rs?”

The President of the IBEW local had similar statements.  “If none of these bozos can figure out how to create more good jobs in Bizarreville, they can all go to hell.  I’d be happy to buy them a 1-way ticket.  Is that allowed in this stupid new law?”

The Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce Executive Director tried to counter this by saying that he was certain there would be plenty of other corporations and unions who will pony up bucks when push comes to shove.  But as a true Chamber ambivalent professional, he later said he felt very strongly on both sides of the issue, and would fight with every fiber in his being to defend either or both points of view.

Meanwhile, pundits are throwing in the towel on this issue, and turning their respective rages on other screwball political matters on the docket.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.