March 27th, 2010
VP asked to shut the f&!# up
“Shut up. Don’t talk. Don’t whisper. Don’t even mouth any words. Don’t let your body make any sounds whatsoever. Got that? None.” This was the language that the President reportedly used in his recent one-on-one performance review with the Vice President. Reports are that he was issued a ‘Needs Significant Improvement’ rating due to his general incoherency and his tendency to choose the absolute wrong thing to say at the wrong time. The latest fumblerooskie during the Health Care bill passage celebration was by no means the sole reason for the special performance review. But the Office of Stupidity Counts (OSC) indicated that the VP has broken the modern day record for foot-in-mouth incidents since he was nominated for the post, and the President finally said enough is enough.
A senior aide to the Vice President has been issued a vaudeville-era stage hook, and was instructed to carry it with him at all times…public events, private events, non-events. “He may need to even use it when the Vice President is sitting on the john, if the guy can’t keep his trap shut,” a White House staffer said.
The VP allegedly has agreed to remain on Probation, even though there is technically no Constitutional language that covers Probation or dismissal of a VP on blabbermouth grounds. But insiders say that the President is not concerned, and will just instruct the Congress to pass a law “regardless of any Constitutional mumbo-jumbo”. He specified that they should just call it an amendment to the Health Care bill, or something…but just get it done.
An alternate remedy was to duct tape his pie hole shut with 6 wraps around his head. But staffers couldn’t locate enough duct tape to accomplish the needed sound-proof seal.
The Vice President supposedly has been humbled by the whole experience. But insiders say that he is busy learning sign language to get around the official restriction, and still satisfy his addiction to mindless blabbering. Experts in sign language say that it may take quite a while before the VP is adept enough to make stupid statements in sign language, and by that time, he will probably be gone.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were really true.
