bizarreville

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.

Many, many years ago on the East side of Bizarreville, an epidemic of weed growth overtook many of the grassy lawns.  The weed outbreak spread from lawn to lawn to lawn very quickly, prompting fear among all Bizarreville citizens.  At Town Hall meetings, people cried out for solutions.  Finally Frank Gorbasluff suggested “Let’s build a wall.  We’ll quarantine off the East side so the weed spores stay over there, and can’t migrate over here.”  The people applauded the idea, and immediately started to work on building the wall.  They also installed checkgates so that Easterners who had weed spores on their shoes could not enter the West side until they took a shower and fully cleansed shoes, socks, and other garments.

But over the years, the wall became a major political issue. segregating the Weedy Eastern Bizarrevillians from the Non-weedy Westerners.  Easterners would call the other side Weed Virgins, while Westerners would respond back calling the other side Weed  F#*^!#*$.  As you can imagine, it became very divisive.

About 20 years ago, President Reagan was passing through Bizarreville on his way to a Bar-B-Q restaurant somewhere.  Reagan heard about the rancor between East and West, and decided to pitch-in and help.  He tracked down the originator of the whole wall idea, and said the famous words, “Mister Gorbasluff, tear down this wall.  Go spray some freaking weed-killer over there, and that’ll take care of it all.  Trust me.”

Of course, as all know, that’s exactly what Gorbasluff did, and the rest is history.  They tore down the wall, double-sprayed with Weed Exterminator Plus, and green grass proliferated.  And East shook hands with West, although both applied that hand disinfectant afterwards…hey, true reconciliation takes a little time.

“Earmarks are disgusting,” the head of the  Party exclaimed.  “I’m not even sure where they came from.  Years ago, you never heard of Earmarks.  Maybe there were no earmarks…or earmarks were so small you didn’t notice them.  But that’s certainly not true now…Earmarks are most assuredly noticeable.  Grosses me out every time I see one…and I’ve seen way too many lately.”

Numerous groups have begun fighting against earmarks, but run up against ambivalence and apathy.  “There are much, much bigger issues than Earmarks that must be solved.  I’m surprised we’re even talking about earmarks.  Must be those people on the fringe who just cannot accept that things change…it’s now a way of life.  Earmarks are here to stay…deal with it!”

But the Party head responds “Hey, I can deal with Good change.  But Earmarks are not Good change.  Earmarks leave a filthy trail, that at some point, somebody will have to clean up.  And that’s not a job any of us would look forward to doing.”

Nobody is quite sure how long people in Bizarreville have been sharing those Rooskie hats with the earmuffs, but undoubtedly it goes back many generations.  Probably goes back to a time when the poor people could not afford their own hats. 

And ENT doctors cannot definitively explain this recent outbreak of excessive earwax that has plagued the citizenry.  They hypothesize that it is a result of excessive Cheeseburger intake with XL sides of fries…but that is only one theory.  But clearly, the smelly, waxy buildup on the earmuffs has become, in some minds, a revolting hygiene issue, that can no longer be ignored.  “You wouldn’t let people share skidmarks…why would you permit them to share earmarks?”

Bizarreville leaders are perplexed about what next to do, now that unemployment has tipped over 10 percent.  They are belatedly all realizing that their so-called “stimulation” just stimulated themselves.  Citizens are getting pretty tired of watching all the self-stimulation by these guys, and are demanding something new.

One proposal was to do some work on Pothole Boulevard, a road that has fallen into major disrepair over many years.  The suggestion was made to have the Unemployed with shovels and wheelbarrows filling the 16 gazillion potholes that have turned the boulevard into a slalom course.  But critics argue that if you fill the potholes, we would have to change the name of the street, entailing huge costs of re-signage, new maps, GPS changes, retraining, and so on.  Besides, “Patchhole Boulevard” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Another suggestion was to have the Out-of-Work form clean-up teams to clean up the filth and grossness in some of the East side neighborhoods….trash, garbage, animal feces, beer cans, wee wee …just pick up the junk and power-clorox-wash the whole freaking place.  But opponents argue that won’t solve the root cause of the problem:  people treating their neighborhoods like pig stys.  It will all just get re-messed a few weeks later, and return to Filth-boro.

A third idea was to turn them into entrepreneurs by planting vegetable gardens at the Bizarreville Landfill, and setting up veggie stands to peddle their harvests.  But nay-sayers responded that growing any kind of food on that nasty landfill would probably be laced with carcinogens, mad cow diseases, and purple fungus.  “No one’s gonna eat that sh*!#.”

It was becoming abundantly clear that the unemployed really did not want to do this kind of stuff…much simpler to stay at home and collect unemployment checks.  “That kind of work is way beneath us.  We’ve come a long way, and no way we’re going back in that direction,” said an Association for the Unemployed spokesperson.  “Are those nacho cheese chips over there?  Yeah…pass ’em here.”

New from Quacker Oats – it’s Cap’n Trade cereal.  Much different than those old crispy, crunchy cereals that make so much racket and hurt your poor gums, Cap’n Trade offers you that soggy, mushy consistency that you’ve loved so much over the years.  Just add milk, and watch the morsels turn into a limp, pasty mush that you’re sure to enjoy.

It should be noted, as part of this announcement, that Quacker Oats is eliminating all of its other cereal brands…the sweet tastes, the fruity aromas, the crunchy textures.  All those offerings, honestly, were just not good for you.  So they’re gone.  Now Quacker offers 1 brand that’s good for you.  And you’re gonna like it…

Because it’s Healthy.  That’s right.  Quacker has spent years in product development to bring you Cap’n Trade, which offers things no other cereal company can boast.  One advantage is that it will reduce your you-know-what emissions by over 20%!  Imagine that…20 percent.  Cap’n Trade’s special formulation of oat bran, Gas-X, and sodium bicarbonate will make you feel like you just capped your keister.  Won’t that be nice…for you, your family members, and really the entire Globe when you add it all up.  That’s a lot of carbon emissions, if you know what I mean.

Plus, in every box, kids will find a free professional Soccer player trading card.  Everyone remembers what happened with Baseball trading cards over the years; old ones are worth a fortune now.  Imagine the fun as your kids save these valuable cards, trade them with their friends, while at the same time retaining a high-return investment for their college futures.  Slam dunk, money in the bank.

So pick up a box of Cap’n Trade cereal at your local grocer.  And proudly show your friends how darn smart you are by reducing “tail pipe” emissions, and investing smartly for the future.  We’re sure they will think you’re brilliant, simply brilliant.

NOTICE:

Has anyone seen my grampaw Harry?  He turned up lost a while ago, after he ran away from home.  We did not feed him very well, so that’s why he may have run away.  He smells pretty bad, especially when his fur gets wet, and probably desperately needs a bath.  He doesn’t lift his leg, so he ends up going on himself each time.  We used to think he was pretty harmless, but lately he’s been known to bite.  If he starts snarling and barking, better back off before he starts chewing on you.  He’s a grizzly, ornery old goat, but we still love him and want him back.  He probably has identification on him somewhere.  If you see him, please return him before he hurts innocent people and/or does more damage.  Thank you.

The Nevada family

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

A large blast was felt by the citizens in Bizarreville’s capital yesterday, measuring over 150 decibels.  Initially, authorities thought it was a whacko terrorist bomb, but the secret service could see no tell-tale smoke or fire, nor any shifty Islamo-terrorist groups gleefully taking credit.   Scientists quickly concluded it must be a volcanic eruption, and frantically started looking for lava flow, before someone told them that there were no volcanos withing 1000 miles of here.  Numerous other theories came forth, including the possible release of a huge vein of impacted gas, or possible capitol building implosion from too much vacuum….but all were dismissed.

Finally, the investigation determined that the sound came from a resounding thump as the 2000 page Health Care bill fell off the table and hit the floor.  The boom, which quickly obtained the moniker The Nancy Ex-Pelosion, startled thousands and caused severe hearing damage to over 30 legislators.  The damage, in point of fact, could have been even more severe, except for the fact that, fortunately, over 100 legislators who were nearby indicated that they were already deaf. 

Police authorities want answers.  They want assurances that this Nancy Ex-Pelosion will not happen again, and expect sufficient counter-measures to be put in place.  They ordered that cranes and special rigging be utilized to be able to move this edifice of a bill, without risking another Nancy bomb drop, causing more injury and collateral floor damage. “High capacity fork trucks will not cut it.  We need the big cranes….the ones they use to put derailed locomotives back on the track…if that thing needs to be moved, and that’s a big ‘if’.  Frankly, it would be best for everyone if these big-shots just let it set right where it’s at.” 

When asked what if someone wants to be able to read the bill, police responded,  “Are you really willing to take that risk?”

Top Execs of bailed-out firms have filed a grievance with the Bizarreville Dept of Labor over recent government-induced CEO pay cuts.  A second grievance was filed over bonus cuts, and a third grievance over perq cuts.

The final straw was reached when the CEO of Flummox Inc. was told he had to get rid of his company-paid chauffeur and associated stretch-Hummer limousine.  “Now how am I supposed to get to work?  Walk?  Hitchhike??  Ride the bus???”

He has been on a frustration rage for months ever since the Federal Perq Czar stormed the Flummox main office, and padlocked the executive restroom.  The CEO, Mr. Smellman, was forced to walk down a fairly long hallway, down to the regular employee restroom, and go next to the common employees of the firm.  Reportedly Smellman went ahead and used the Handicap stall for privacy and extra space, forcing Mervin Shelfer – a true handicapped person –  to have to wait about 10 minutes, holding it in.  Shelfer exclaimed, “Let him have his john back, for crying out loud.”

Other Bizarreville execs have been similarly throttled, and are mad as hell.  “What’s next…our personal stationary and private secretaries?  This is ridiculous…next thing you know, they’ll start shutting down our regional conference centers in the Poconos and the Ozarks.  You know, those areas are incredibly over-populated with deer, birds, and fish…has anybody thought of that?  Has anybody thought about the unintended consequences when you start shutting lodges…I mean, conference centers down?  Does anybody care about those poor animals?  I can answer you that….NO.”

Another exec chimed in:  “How are we supposed to entertain our customers now?  I just heard they’re not even allowing us to have our Customer Appreciation Golf Fests anymore.  Zip, gone.  What’s next…cancelling our 3-day customer sales events at Tahoe?  C’mon, give me a break.  Who’s going to answer the phone when those customers start screaming ‘where’s my Vegas trip’…the Perq Czar?  I don’t think so.”

The Dept of Labor informed the execs that, unfortunately, there is actually no legal process for them to file their grievances, nor get any kind of restitution.  The Dept did agree to accept the grievance letters, and put them in a file under Miscellaneous/Other.

Cuban Coast Guard authorities report that Michael Moorebird, famous socialist/marxist whacko film director and less-famous tour guide, has been rescued from the Caribbean Sea 20 miles north of Cuba.  He remains in serious but stable condition at Cuba’s El-Crudmo hospital, after taking in much salt water and being nibbled-on by a large tuna.

Mr. Moorebird, somewhat delirious, claims that his fellow tourists just threw him overboard, after they were allegedly very disenchanted with the Cuba Commie Cruise he sponsored.  “They were really torqued-off for some reason…I don’t know why.  I mean, I thought it was a great time, but some of them got pretty radical after 3 days of eating slightly stale bread and slightly off-color water…and, well, living in squalor.  I thought we were all comrades-in-arms, exploring enthusiastically this wonderful socio-economic system.  I guess I was wrong.”

Wrong indeed.  Cruise passengers reported that Moorebird lied and misrepresented the cruise as a “fun trip”, then basically scammed them out of their money.  “Fun?  It was freaking Gross-town, Filth-adelphia, Pittsburgh…oops, sorry about that.  Anyway, we tried to get our money back, but Moorebird just laughed and laughed, then said:  F$#!@ You.  Next thing I knew, he was yelping in the water.  I think he may have slipped on the wet deck and fell in…who knows?”

Moorebird says he’ll do it again, but may wait a few years.  “People just aren’t ready for it yet.  They’re not as enlightened as me.  They can’t see all the good, like I can…they just can’t see the beauty inside the filth.  It’ll just take time.”  Cuban medical people are also testing him for brain damage.

Introducing a new product from your friends at Bumco Inc.:  The Afghanistan Waffler.  Heartily endorsed by the Bizarreville Homebodies, Cooks, and Appliance Users Association, this waffle maker is all-new, imported from Afghanistan, with features not offered by any competitor in the past.

The beauty of this machine is that you just don’t know what you’re going to get.  You throw some or all the ingredients into the unit, spin the temperature dial a couple times, and just let it go.  Might get a pancake, might get a danish, might get some kind of weird muffin-thing…might get a lump of burnt charcoal.  Some customers claim they got something resembling the consistency of a Christmas fruit cake…oooh, yummy.

And that’s what makes it fun for the whole family…the anticipation and surprise of it all.  The unpredictability.  The unit has a setting on it for “Plain Waffle”, but guess what?  It lies.  It never intended to give you a plain waffle.  Ha, ha, ha, ha…what a riot!  Surprisingly, many customers continue to select the Plain Waffle option, even though they know full well that it does not work.  Durrrrr…it takes all kinds.

So pick up an Afghan Waffler at your favorite discount store or buy direct from the factory at www.ErrrrUhUmmmCoughCough.com.  Hurry before it’s no longer available.

The Bizarreville Department of Labor is in the process of passing a Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell bill which would apply to job interviews of any kind.  Originally intended to just apply to sexual orientation, the Labor Dept. said: why not go ahead and apply it to…well, everything?   They did.

The Labor Dept has complained about getting barraged with charges against employers for various discrimination hiring practices.  In response, business has spent millions of dollars to develop “fair” interview techniques and validated testing procedures to level the playing field…supposedly.  But protected classes still complain that the very nature of the tests is unfair to one group or another.  “For example, one question asks if you turn a boat rudder a certain way, which way will the boat turn?  Now that question plainly discriminates against lower-income groups that have never owned a boat, have never been on a boat, may not know what a boat is.  How on earth would they know how a freaking rudder works?  I mean really!”

But the Department also feels the very nature of asking a job interviewee about his/her previous work experience is fraught with discrimination pitfalls. “Probing into their previous jobs??  Oh, please.  Right there you’re blatantly discriminating against: (1) people who show up late to work just because they have cheap alarm clocks, (2) people with severe mental disabilities who screw-up at work through, truly, no fault of their own, (3) people who chronically get fired a lot because…well, just because of bad luck, (4) people with anxiety disorders who end up getting into fistfights with co-workers who make fun of them.  It’s ridiculous how much discrimination goes on.  And the point is:  this kind of job misfortune should not be held against them.”

Representatives from the Labor Dept were asked if employers could at least ask about education background.  “No.  That clearly discriminates against people who hated going to school.  You need educated people?  Train on the job.”

So the Bizarreville Dept of Labor is instituting a new labor law which prevents asking really any questions about an applicant’s background.  “We may allow questions about their Hobbies…that’s still under consideration at this point.”  The department claims that the whole process will be much simpler.  “There used to be a long list of things you could and could not ask interviewees…now just ask nothing.   Simple.”

When asked by Business about how they can differentiate one candidate from another, the Labor Dept responds, “You really can’t anymore…just need to take what you get, and that’s it.  My, my, why are you guys making such a big deal of this…you must be accustomed to doing a lot of discrimination in the past?” 

Business owners claim that this fight is not over, and will appeal.  It may be an uphill battle for them, however, since the Board of Appeal has many unsympathetic members who have previously been canned from their jobs.