bizarreville

The Bizarreville Luge team has reported that there is no friggin’ way they are going to compete on that treacherous track that tragically took to life of a Georgian athlete.  “Even if they shave off part of Curve 16 and wall-off those steel beam headbusters, that won’t be enough,” according to a Bizarreville Luge team spokesman.

Officials say that the accident last week was no fault of the track, but was caused by human error.  The rider was identified as being too inexperienced and only ranked 44th in the world.  “Our best luger is 1044th in the world, for crissake,” said the team spokesman.  “We really don’t want to turn our team into a 6-pack of meatball sandwiches on that Chicago Stockyard Dissasembly Line.”  The spokesman went on to say that the quality of their team’s luge sleds is about one-half step above the Flexible Flyers at Walmart.  “You get one of those babies going 90 miles per hour sideways, with someone about as qualified as my grandmaw on it…you’re going to end up with Brunswick stew.”

The players are not upset at the decision.  The have indicated that they just wanted to come to the Olympics for the over-the-top festivities, trading pins with the Rooskies, and the free hot chocolate.  Team Captain Skinny Jenkins said that there’s plenty of other stuff to do, and they might go try a little ski jumping just for the hell of it.  When asked about the danger of totally inexperienced people leaping through mid-air off a mountain, Skinny said they would let their youngest teammate Mikey do it…and if he broke some bones, they might just dog-off that whole idea, and go hit Happy Hour in the Athlete’s Lounge.

But the luge sleds have now been retired, and the team may try to sell the sleds as souvenirs to some of the spend-happy Olympic fans here.  “Anybody who would pay good hard cash to watch a Curling tournament, might very well be stupid enough to buy a luge for 500 bucks.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  And, as you can see, nothing is sacred with these idiots here.

The Bizarreville TV Network is proud to be piloting a new TV series next week, called The Grumpler.  Modeled after the successful “The Bachelor” program, the new series will feature the grumpiest liberal congressman.  Casting will find one who is most upset about not not getting their statist/socialist government-control agenda passed…one who is genuinely ornery and about ready to go postal over the farting around in the Obamacare passage or other feet-dragging in government takeover of the economy.

The TV series will then bring 25 hookers onto the show to find new, creative ways to cheer him up.  He will then start narrowing down the field, week by week.  But the secret to the show is that he will actually be looking for the contestant who aggravates him the most in her feeble attempt to change his surly mood.  Any pro who makes him smile or laugh, as unlikely as that seems, would most likely be ushered onto the nearest limo for her trip home.

Elmer Smudd, the Executive Producer, figures the hookers will catch on to the “secret” pretty quickly, and may soon do all they can do to piss him off.  Smudd thinks this transition will be hilarious to their target audience, comprised of men and women who think 99% of all TV programming is pure crap (pretty big target market as it turns out).  Obscenities are likely to be flying, but will all be bleeped out so as not to offend the kids who have never heard that kind of language before.

Rather than a traditional rose ceremony, the lib congressman will cut off the top of the rose and give the thorny stem to the lucky girls who will continue, and move on to next week’s challenge.  He’ll keep the top for himself.

Each week’s show will feature new intriguing venues that are disgusting, revolting, reprehensible in their own right to help create the right mood.  Boring football games on cold rainy days, PBS pledge drive studios, Chuck E. Cheese, Mount Trashmore landfills, economic debriefing rooms, and book readings at book fairs will be among the chosen destinations.

The Winner will get to become the congressman’s Top Aide until the congressman gets thrown out of office, either by election, by sheer incompetence, or by impeachment.  The losing hookers will not leave empty handed.  Each will be given a new wardrobe designed by Streetwise Sleaze of Hollywood, the leader in upscale trashiness, and a one year’s supply of Tootsie Pops.

Smudd thinks the show will be a hit.  He looks forward to casting The Grumplette for next season’s shows.

The Bizarreville Olympic team announced that it made it up to Vancouver, and members are preparing diligently for the fashion parade at the Opening Ceremony and, of course, the events themselves.  The Bizarreville team is led by Bill and Sheila Farkward, figure skating team hopefuls.  The Farkwards could be contenders for the Gold in the skating pairs competition, but they have one major problem:  They run their routines flawlessly in practice, but when they get into real competition, they nearly always take at least one frozen ass dusting at some point during their program.  So, even though they technically come in as the favorite in every meet, they end up in the cellar and go home empty-handed.

The Bizarreville skating coach has been puzzled, and had suggested that they get psychological help, and booked them an appointment.  The staff sports psychologist suggested they just try to block out the crowd and focus on the music.  The Farkwards, never at a loss for words, said “Duh…so glad we’re paying you a hundred skins for that kind of brilliant advice.  Would you like to give us a full critique on our program while you’re at it, or would that cost extra?” 

But the psych-coach buffed off the sarcasm and said “Just imagine the whole audience is naked.  That will make you laugh inside, and forget your nervousness.”  Two sets of eye rolls later, the Farkwards bid adieu to Dr. Quackbrain.

But the figure skating coach overheard this advice and decided to help the couple.  On their final practice before leaving for Vancouver, he instructed the whole coaching staff to actually drop drawers and get naked, just as the Farkwards started their program.  They did.  At that moment, Bill glanced over to the bench just as he was getting ready to execute a throw/spin move with Sheila.  He promptly lost his focus and threw Sheila head first over the boards, and crashing into the second row of stands.  She ended up with a few cuts and bruises, but believes she will still be able to compete.

Meanwhile, Bill told the coach to cram his stupid ideas and shut the  f*%# up…or he would place the blade of his skate somewhere where the Olympic Flame don’t shine.  Bill later said, “You know, suddenly I feel a lot more relaxed!”

The President announced that he has scheduled a meeting with Republicans in Congress to air out their ideas on health reform.  He also indicated that he will be using the newly released Bumco “Deaf Ear Listener” unit during the meeting to help get him through the meeting he described as “potentially excuciatingly boring and anti-productive”.

The Deaf Ear Listener(DEL) is an innovative new product that appears to be ideal for Democrats in government.  It is a very small unit that fits snugly in each ear, camouflaged to look like excess ear wax buildup.  The DEL effectively blocks the wearer from hearing any external sound, while a small chip inside the unit gently plays “The Best of Bread” songs inside his/her ears.  It just came out and sells for $59.95 a set, but there is already a hefty order backlog.

Inside sources say that the President will maintain a pensive, thoughtful look on his face to make it look like he is actually listening to the Republicans.  A reporter asked about what the President will do if someone asks him a question.  “Simple,” the White House spokesman replied.  “He will just give some canned response that will have nothing whatsoever to do with the question asked…basically just like he does now.  It is doubtful that anyone will know the difference.”

The insider said it is important for it to look like the President is listening to contrary ideas, especially in front of cameras.  “But at the same time, all that squealling and chattering could potentially stress the President out…may even cause him to lose his appetite at dinner.  The DEL is an excellent choice to protect his health and well-being.  More American ingenuity at work!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The government of Haiti, desperately trying to deal with the horror of the earthquake that hit their poor country, is now struggling with how to manage help from outsiders.  The latest flap has to do with the 10 Baptist missionaries who arrived to offer help to many stranded children, but were later accused of kidnapping the children and unceremoniously hauled off to jail.  They were all kept under tight lock and key when it was found out that several of the missionaries had been previously guilty of various traffic violations, jaywalking incidents, sneezing without covering their noses, and wearing orange on St. Patricks Day.

This unfortunate incident has caused the Haitian government to begin to question all the aid coming into the country, and whether some of the so-called aid is going to be really good for the country.  For example, the government has done intensive investigations and found that much of the donated water is plain tap water, not spring-fed water.  Much of the donated beer is light beer, with almost no taste.  Cases and cases of Coke have arrived on its shores, but it turns out that over half of it is Diet Coke.  Boxes and boxes of Chicken McNuggets have arrived, and no one seems to be able to ascertain what kind of food is in these things.

And it gets worse.  Volunteers have arrived supposedly bringing medical supplies.  But, the drugs being brought in are not the good, brand-name drugs…they are Generic Drugs, that’s right…thousands and thousands of bottles of plain old generic drugs.

“What are we…not good enough for you?”  a Haitian government spokesman cried.  “Do you wish to turn us from a 3rd world country into a 4th world country?  Light beer?  Is that all that we mean to you…to the world?  What will you send us next…a crew of 1-legged construction workers to help us rebuild our cities?”

The Haitian government is taking a harder look at donations, aid, and help from all sources.  Unfortunately, some of it will have to be turned around, and sent back.  Meanwhile its citizens are suffering, and beginning the question the wisdom of their leaders.

 The US State Department had no comment on the missionaries situation, but said they are trying to find a processed chicken parts alternate.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are totally fiction.

Ben Nelson, the infamous Democratic senator from Nebraska, has been getting booed when he goes into any restaurant in his home state.  Last weekend, he was sneered at and pummeled with cold pizza by a bunch of 8-year olds when he tried to sneak into a Chuck E. Cheese for a quick dinner and game of Skee-Ball.  The day before, he was denied purchase of a large popcorn just before watching the movie Avatar from a kid behind the counter who refused to touch his soiled money.

Nelson knows he has got some bridges to unburn since his illogical decision to accept bribery to vote for the Obamacare bill.  Folks back home don’t cotton to that kind of squirrelliness.  So yesterday he announced he would join the Republican filibuster of Craig Becker, nominated by the Communists for a seat on the National Labor Relations Board.  He knows that, with Nebraska’s tradition of being a Right to Work state, the public would crucify him even further if he didn’t start giving some modicum of impression that he was representing his constituents.

Old Ben knows that Becker favors the Employee Forced Choice Act (EFCA).  This is a bill being debated in Congress, which would totally remove secret balloting for unionization, and open the doors for union thugs, creeps, and dirtbags to make workers offers ‘they can’t refuse’ to join unions.  The proposed law would also prescribe a set of anti-business rules, whackings, and penalties sure to dry up job growth…what little there is.

Ben has heard that Becker has other nutty ideas.  He has pushed for the Sleepers Rights bill, which would allow workers to konk out on the job without fear of repercussion.  “Hey, we all get tired, especially after tying one on the night before,” Becker said, speaking at the Left Wing Jumblebrain Association’s national convention, to wild cheers from the crowd.  “What’s wrong with a little shut-eye on the job?  You’ve done it, I’ve done it, we’ve all done it.  I konked out for an hour and a half on the crapper one time in 2002 after a tough night of margaritas.”  If passed, the new law would allow all workers 25 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes after lunch to doze off at full pay, plus another 30 minutes of optional sleep-time at half-pay.  Becker has said that most workers wouldn’t take all that time every day, but if they needed it, they would have it…without fear of losing their jobs.  When asked a follow-up question, an Aide had to nudge Becker to wake up.

Nelson stands by his rejection of Becker, but has said he might reconsider his vote if Harry Reid comes forward with some new sweetheart bribe for him and his family.  He has suggested that the Caribbean is nice this time of year.  Insiders say that Reid is booking him on a trip to Haiti.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

The medical community is still befuddled over the continuing spread of the Palin-ophobia epidemic which has hit liberal circles and conclaves very hard.  The outbreak seems to be hitting the liberal punditry particularly hard, who have been seen trembling and stammering by the few people who actually watch them on TV.  Lib leaders are nervous that their solid media network is coming unglued and rattled by each of Palin’s trivial acts, and causing them to lose focus on the business at hand:  Spending Money Fast.

The latest phobia panic came when Palin addressed a National Tea Party convention in Nashville, and had written some notes to herself on the palm of her hand.  Naturally, the phobiacs went into hyper-freak.  “I stopped doing that kind of stuff in high school after my fifth detention for cheating on tests,” a Democratic inner-city congressman admitted.  “I finally had to memorize who the First president of the U.S. was….Washington, wasn’t it?”

It is nervous times for the Libs, and they want answers to deal with Palin-ophobia before it is too late.  They have gone to the government-funded Medical Research Boondogglery Commission to try and find research studies that have analyzed syndromes like Palin-ophobia.  But the Boondogglery has found nothing quite like this, although they did find interesting psychological studies of the mating practices of long-term civil service employees…with pictures.

Meanwhile, the jittery Lib leaders are pursuing possible medication alternatives to help calm them down.  They have tried to make a case for being able to obtain medical marijuana in California, but even the whacko doctors out there have refuse to prescribe it for Palin-ophobia.  “I think those reefer-brains are just making an excuse to get some cheap dope,” one doctor speculated.

With the increasing amount of misinformation, misinterpretation, and outright lying going on today, it is hard for our citizens to know what is true and what is not.  Here is Part One of a guide to help in the translations:

You can keep your existing Health Care program.  Translation:  Your employer will be given an option to keep the existing, outrageously expensive health care programs for its employees , or to bail-out and let the government pick up the whole tab.  Hmmmmm…I wonder which way they will go?

This program will not add to the National Debt.  Translation:  It will not add to the national debt of Bulgaria, Yemen, or Outer Flambobia.  It most certainly will add to the National Debt of the US.

We will only increase tax on really rich people.  Translation:  Of course, anyone who has a job, a nice family, a home, food on the table is certainly rich and fulfilled in their life.  Yes, it means YOU.  You are rich.

Lobbyists had no influence on my decision making.  Translation:  The free trip to Cancun, with dinners at 5-star restaurants, and free flowing champagne were very entertaining and enjoyable.  But I have perhaps the strongest willpower on earth, and am able to separate these lavish goodies from doing my business.  But, as it turns out coincidently, I was going to vote that way anyway.

I am not an ideologue.  Translation:  I am a credentialed ideologue with fairly extreme views, who now senses my views are opposite of what common sense people want.  I now know that I must be much, much more clever in disguising my kooky views and whacky ideas.

We must become energy independent from Mideast oil.  Translation:  Soccer moms, stop buying SUVs and start walking to the soccer field with Junior.  If it’s too far to walk, drop out of soccer, and let him play with a hula hoop.

There will be no more Earmarks.  Translation:  We will need to come up with a different name for these pork-barrel cash drainers that piss away the nation’s wealth.  How about calling them ‘Shlonkulators’ next session?  That’ll confuse ’em.

I feel your pain.  Translation:  I understand the concept of pain but probably do not fully know what is hurting you.  But if you were to grab a baseball bat and hit me in my tender zone, I believe I could better empathize.  Go ahead, swing away.

The government does not create jobs, entrepreneurs do.  Translation:  I have a dark, ulterior motive and hidden agenda for saying something I clearly do not believe in.  I figure that I can say one thing and do another, and you’ll probably not catch it.  After all, you have to admit, I’m pretty smart…and, well, you’re not.

Just think how much worse it would have been if we hadn’t stepped in and implemented our program.  Translation: Okay, yes, it was a stupid program.  It accomplished nothing, probably did more harm than good.  But we sensed you wanted us to do SOMETHING, even if it was something stupid.  There were probably 1000 other things we could have done, 998 of which would have turned out better than this one.  Too bad we didn’t pick one of those to do.  Too late now.

We hope that this translation guide helps our readers better understand politician-speak.  We will publish more translations, as needed, in the future as a public service.

The mayor of Bizarreville wanted to declare Super Bowl Monday a Bizarreville holiday.  His reasoning was simple:  the game is being played later and later every year, with parties now ending after midnight, making it very tough for him (and others) to make it into work the next day…especially after downing a 6-pack of Dogfish Head during the pre-game and scarfing another sixer during the game itself.  The mayor thought his proposal would be a slam dunk for approval, particularly this year with all the interest around the two competing teams.

But, unfortunately, he did not realize that most of the Council members were not football fans.  In fact they were un-fans.  They did not even tune in for the cute, creative Super Bowl commercials.  No, they preferred to watch the 12 billionth rerun of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, followed by the exciting reality tales of Ice Road Truckers.  They reminded the mayor that February is not a good month for holidays…they had already lost one when they combined Lincoln and Washington’s birthdays.  And the only way it could be done would be to eliminate one other holiday sometime during the year.

Of course, when the mayor suggested eliminating the Friday after Thanksgiving, he was promptly pummeled with obscenities and sneers by the 5am shopping faction of the Council.  They threatened to march down to every retailer in Bizarreville and tell them all that the mayor was trying to ruin the most important retail sales day of the year.  They would call him anti-business, anti-retailer, and anti-turkey.

The mayor was up for election in November, and knew that he could not recover from being labeled anti-turkey.  He gave up the fight, and came to terms that he would gut-out a Super Bowl Monday hangover.

The recent fumbles and missteps by officials in handling terrorist suspects by inadvertently treating them as full US citizens prompted the Justice Department to clarify Miranda rights issues for disgusting terrorist types.  They decided that some special language might be the appropriate path forward.  A final draft is still in the making, but a copy has been leaked out to garner some initial public reaction.  Here is the draft text:

“You have the right to remain silent, until you decide that you have finally had enough waterboarding, Chinese water torturing, and listening to Abba records 24/7, and are ready to spill some beans.  When (not if, but when) you give up your stubbornness to remain silent, anything and everything you say will be held against you, your buddies, and family members in a military court of justice, using a special code of justice for scumbags such as yourself.  It will not be pretty.  You will not have the right to an attorney, but the court will appoint an advocate to present your weak case and lame arguments.  This person will be selected from the Skid Row homeless shelter and soup kitchen inhabitants du jour.  If you are unhappy with the selection, you will be permitted to go have a conjugal visit with yourself.  Do you understand these rights, or do we need to bring in Igor to beat the crap out of you to help unplug your wax-filled ear canals?  What do you say, ya’ punk?”

Critics have argued that using Igor’s name as a heavy-handed thug type might seem offensive to people of Eastern European descent.  They have suggested ‘Larry’ as an alternate, but the Mirandize wordsmiths don’t feel that name delivers quite the same punch.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

For the past year, the Administration has purposely avoided the term ‘War on Terror’ when describing the war on terror, mainly because it was a term coined by the Bushites.   So, four weeks ago, they launched a contest to all citizens to come up with a new creative name for this Whatever thing against Whoever.  The first prize is a week stay in the luxurious William Henry Harrison room in the White House basement, plus a royalty arrangement whereby he/she will get 1 cent for every time the new phrase gets used by a government official.

Entries were supposed to have been closely guarded, but our intrepid investigators have searched through White House trash receptacles to find some of those ideas that have made the first cut:

Critics have expressed outrage with this silliness, and cannot understand why the Administration just won’t stay with War on Terror.  But officials argue back, “Who is ‘terror’?  Is that some high school bully who gives you a wedgie?  Is that a graffiti creep who scratches obscenities in john stalls?  You can’t be that ambiguous when it comes to this kind of thing.  Plus, we need something a little catchy.”

White House staffers are considering retaining Marketing wizards that dream up snazzy names for new cars to submit ideas.  This would include those legendary visionaries who came up with such beauties as LeBaron, Fierenza, Cobalt, Cordoba, Tempo, LTD2, and Edsel.  They feel certain that these folks will come up with at least one LeBaron-quality idea.

They have also tried to enlist Muhammed Ali to come up with a clever “Rumble in the Jungle” kind of phraseology, but allegedly he told them to kiss off.

Insiders say that results should be finalized by next week, at which time they can start developing posters, buttons, and banners.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The mayor of Bizarreville has volunteered to move the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed trial to Bizarreville.  This comes on the heels of hearing that New York City did not want any part in having the trial in their city for cost and safety reasons.  KSM will be tried in Judge John Axmaniac’s court, who has guaranteed a speedy, no-nonsense process, total openness, and a fair outcome.

The judge will actually hold court at the 12,000 seat Bizarro Arena basketball stadium.  The public will be welcome,and will be charged 10 bucks a head for a daily ticket, but each day will include a concert by the Bizarreville Jazz Orchestra immediately following trial proceedings.  Dancing will be available.

Normal concessions will be served, including dogs, beer, cheesy nachos, and other sports-type refreshments.  To simplify matters, all items will be priced at $10 each, correct bills are required.  The concession company will also serve fresh tomatoes that can be optionally thrown at KSM and/or his lawyers if fans don’t like what they see or hear during testimony.  Tomatoes will also be priced at $10 each, but fans can get 3 for $20 or a “frequent thrower” package of 10 for $50.

Film will be taken of the proceedings, and will later be turned into a feature length comedy movie, featuring Bill Murray as KSM and Dennis Miller as his hapless lawyer.  The Director will intermix real trial footage with comedy hijinx to make a film the whole family will enjoy.  Hilarity should reach a climactic peak when they all start throwing food at each other, a newly-trained apprentice underwear bomber gets knocked-out by a flying bench,  while the Judge keeps pounding his gavel until the head flies off and hits the bailiff in his private parts.

On a more serious note, the mayor understands the seriousness of the threat by Islamic terrorists during the trial, so he will have extra security people armed with bazookas at strategic spots near the arena.  Citizens in vans and SUVs will be warned to stay clear of the stadium’s entrances, so that they don’t get inadvertantly bazooka’ed.

As mentioned earlier, the Judge promises a speedy trial process. Much of the prosecution evidence is considered Top Secret, and will just be accepted as factual material without disclosure of details.  Defense has already agreed to not develop lame theories of the case.  And, in a surprising move, the Defense has agreed that during cross exam, prosecution witnesses can answer with a variation on the 5th Amendment, which they affectionately call the “Up yours, you friggin creeps” response to certain questions.

All in all, Bizarreville authorities think this could be a big money maker and are excited to get started ASAP.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.