February 13th, 2010
Bizarreville Olympic hopefuls, or hopenots
The Bizarreville Olympic team announced that it made it up to Vancouver, and members are preparing diligently for the fashion parade at the Opening Ceremony and, of course, the events themselves. The Bizarreville team is led by Bill and Sheila Farkward, figure skating team hopefuls. The Farkwards could be contenders for the Gold in the skating pairs competition, but they have one major problem: They run their routines flawlessly in practice, but when they get into real competition, they nearly always take at least one frozen ass dusting at some point during their program. So, even though they technically come in as the favorite in every meet, they end up in the cellar and go home empty-handed.
The Bizarreville skating coach has been puzzled, and had suggested that they get psychological help, and booked them an appointment. The staff sports psychologist suggested they just try to block out the crowd and focus on the music. The Farkwards, never at a loss for words, said “Duh…so glad we’re paying you a hundred skins for that kind of brilliant advice. Would you like to give us a full critique on our program while you’re at it, or would that cost extra?”
But the psych-coach buffed off the sarcasm and said “Just imagine the whole audience is naked. That will make you laugh inside, and forget your nervousness.” Two sets of eye rolls later, the Farkwards bid adieu to Dr. Quackbrain.
But the figure skating coach overheard this advice and decided to help the couple. On their final practice before leaving for Vancouver, he instructed the whole coaching staff to actually drop drawers and get naked, just as the Farkwards started their program. They did. At that moment, Bill glanced over to the bench just as he was getting ready to execute a throw/spin move with Sheila. He promptly lost his focus and threw Sheila head first over the boards, and crashing into the second row of stands. She ended up with a few cuts and bruises, but believes she will still be able to compete.
Meanwhile, Bill told the coach to cram his stupid ideas and shut the f*%# up…or he would place the blade of his skate somewhere where the Olympic Flame don’t shine. Bill later said, “You know, suddenly I feel a lot more relaxed!”
