bizarreville

Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA.  Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true.  Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.

A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there.  When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere.  He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that.  Slam Futon sucks.  He’s barely worth a hill of beans.”  Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.”  The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.

But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window.  The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna.  He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home.  Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.

Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history.  With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent.  He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.

Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.

The Bizarreville Luge team has reported that there is no friggin’ way they are going to compete on that treacherous track that tragically took to life of a Georgian athlete.  “Even if they shave off part of Curve 16 and wall-off those steel beam headbusters, that won’t be enough,” according to a Bizarreville Luge team spokesman.

Officials say that the accident last week was no fault of the track, but was caused by human error.  The rider was identified as being too inexperienced and only ranked 44th in the world.  “Our best luger is 1044th in the world, for crissake,” said the team spokesman.  “We really don’t want to turn our team into a 6-pack of meatball sandwiches on that Chicago Stockyard Dissasembly Line.”  The spokesman went on to say that the quality of their team’s luge sleds is about one-half step above the Flexible Flyers at Walmart.  “You get one of those babies going 90 miles per hour sideways, with someone about as qualified as my grandmaw on it…you’re going to end up with Brunswick stew.”

The players are not upset at the decision.  The have indicated that they just wanted to come to the Olympics for the over-the-top festivities, trading pins with the Rooskies, and the free hot chocolate.  Team Captain Skinny Jenkins said that there’s plenty of other stuff to do, and they might go try a little ski jumping just for the hell of it.  When asked about the danger of totally inexperienced people leaping through mid-air off a mountain, Skinny said they would let their youngest teammate Mikey do it…and if he broke some bones, they might just dog-off that whole idea, and go hit Happy Hour in the Athlete’s Lounge.

But the luge sleds have now been retired, and the team may try to sell the sleds as souvenirs to some of the spend-happy Olympic fans here.  “Anybody who would pay good hard cash to watch a Curling tournament, might very well be stupid enough to buy a luge for 500 bucks.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  And, as you can see, nothing is sacred with these idiots here.

The Bizarreville Olympic team announced that it made it up to Vancouver, and members are preparing diligently for the fashion parade at the Opening Ceremony and, of course, the events themselves.  The Bizarreville team is led by Bill and Sheila Farkward, figure skating team hopefuls.  The Farkwards could be contenders for the Gold in the skating pairs competition, but they have one major problem:  They run their routines flawlessly in practice, but when they get into real competition, they nearly always take at least one frozen ass dusting at some point during their program.  So, even though they technically come in as the favorite in every meet, they end up in the cellar and go home empty-handed.

The Bizarreville skating coach has been puzzled, and had suggested that they get psychological help, and booked them an appointment.  The staff sports psychologist suggested they just try to block out the crowd and focus on the music.  The Farkwards, never at a loss for words, said “Duh…so glad we’re paying you a hundred skins for that kind of brilliant advice.  Would you like to give us a full critique on our program while you’re at it, or would that cost extra?” 

But the psych-coach buffed off the sarcasm and said “Just imagine the whole audience is naked.  That will make you laugh inside, and forget your nervousness.”  Two sets of eye rolls later, the Farkwards bid adieu to Dr. Quackbrain.

But the figure skating coach overheard this advice and decided to help the couple.  On their final practice before leaving for Vancouver, he instructed the whole coaching staff to actually drop drawers and get naked, just as the Farkwards started their program.  They did.  At that moment, Bill glanced over to the bench just as he was getting ready to execute a throw/spin move with Sheila.  He promptly lost his focus and threw Sheila head first over the boards, and crashing into the second row of stands.  She ended up with a few cuts and bruises, but believes she will still be able to compete.

Meanwhile, Bill told the coach to cram his stupid ideas and shut the  f*%# up…or he would place the blade of his skate somewhere where the Olympic Flame don’t shine.  Bill later said, “You know, suddenly I feel a lot more relaxed!”