December 3rd, 2010
Payoff to college quarterback still under investigation
Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA. Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true. Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.
A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there. When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere. He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that. Slam Futon sucks. He’s barely worth a hill of beans.” Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.” The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.
But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window. The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna. He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home. Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.
Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history. With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent. He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.
Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.
