bizarreville

With the increasing amount of misinformation, misinterpretation, and outright lying going on today, it is hard for our citizens to know what is true and what is not.  Here is Part One of a guide to help in the translations:

You can keep your existing Health Care program.  Translation:  Your employer will be given an option to keep the existing, outrageously expensive health care programs for its employees , or to bail-out and let the government pick up the whole tab.  Hmmmmm…I wonder which way they will go?

This program will not add to the National Debt.  Translation:  It will not add to the national debt of Bulgaria, Yemen, or Outer Flambobia.  It most certainly will add to the National Debt of the US.

We will only increase tax on really rich people.  Translation:  Of course, anyone who has a job, a nice family, a home, food on the table is certainly rich and fulfilled in their life.  Yes, it means YOU.  You are rich.

Lobbyists had no influence on my decision making.  Translation:  The free trip to Cancun, with dinners at 5-star restaurants, and free flowing champagne were very entertaining and enjoyable.  But I have perhaps the strongest willpower on earth, and am able to separate these lavish goodies from doing my business.  But, as it turns out coincidently, I was going to vote that way anyway.

I am not an ideologue.  Translation:  I am a credentialed ideologue with fairly extreme views, who now senses my views are opposite of what common sense people want.  I now know that I must be much, much more clever in disguising my kooky views and whacky ideas.

We must become energy independent from Mideast oil.  Translation:  Soccer moms, stop buying SUVs and start walking to the soccer field with Junior.  If it’s too far to walk, drop out of soccer, and let him play with a hula hoop.

There will be no more Earmarks.  Translation:  We will need to come up with a different name for these pork-barrel cash drainers that piss away the nation’s wealth.  How about calling them ‘Shlonkulators’ next session?  That’ll confuse ’em.

I feel your pain.  Translation:  I understand the concept of pain but probably do not fully know what is hurting you.  But if you were to grab a baseball bat and hit me in my tender zone, I believe I could better empathize.  Go ahead, swing away.

The government does not create jobs, entrepreneurs do.  Translation:  I have a dark, ulterior motive and hidden agenda for saying something I clearly do not believe in.  I figure that I can say one thing and do another, and you’ll probably not catch it.  After all, you have to admit, I’m pretty smart…and, well, you’re not.

Just think how much worse it would have been if we hadn’t stepped in and implemented our program.  Translation: Okay, yes, it was a stupid program.  It accomplished nothing, probably did more harm than good.  But we sensed you wanted us to do SOMETHING, even if it was something stupid.  There were probably 1000 other things we could have done, 998 of which would have turned out better than this one.  Too bad we didn’t pick one of those to do.  Too late now.

We hope that this translation guide helps our readers better understand politician-speak.  We will publish more translations, as needed, in the future as a public service.