February 6th, 2010
New draft language to Mirandize the terrorists
The recent fumbles and missteps by officials in handling terrorist suspects by inadvertently treating them as full US citizens prompted the Justice Department to clarify Miranda rights issues for disgusting terrorist types. They decided that some special language might be the appropriate path forward. A final draft is still in the making, but a copy has been leaked out to garner some initial public reaction. Here is the draft text:
“You have the right to remain silent, until you decide that you have finally had enough waterboarding, Chinese water torturing, and listening to Abba records 24/7, and are ready to spill some beans. When (not if, but when) you give up your stubbornness to remain silent, anything and everything you say will be held against you, your buddies, and family members in a military court of justice, using a special code of justice for scumbags such as yourself. It will not be pretty. You will not have the right to an attorney, but the court will appoint an advocate to present your weak case and lame arguments. This person will be selected from the Skid Row homeless shelter and soup kitchen inhabitants du jour. If you are unhappy with the selection, you will be permitted to go have a conjugal visit with yourself. Do you understand these rights, or do we need to bring in Igor to beat the crap out of you to help unplug your wax-filled ear canals? What do you say, ya’ punk?”
Critics have argued that using Igor’s name as a heavy-handed thug type might seem offensive to people of Eastern European descent. They have suggested ‘Larry’ as an alternate, but the Mirandize wordsmiths don’t feel that name delivers quite the same punch.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
