bizarreville

Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA.  Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true.  Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.

A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there.  When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere.  He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that.  Slam Futon sucks.  He’s barely worth a hill of beans.”  Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.”  The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.

But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window.  The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna.  He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home.  Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.

Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history.  With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent.  He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.

Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.

Management regrets to inform you that the Federal spending binge is now over.  Kapoot.  The 2-year window of opportunity for reckless spending out the veritable ying-yang has closed…closed down on the poor fingers of many unsuspecting lawmakers.  On behalf of the kazillions of government employees and lame duck government officials, we just must say we are sorry the party could not have lasted longer.

But my…wasn’t if fun while it lasted!  All involved had such a joyous time on this wide-open throttle wild ride down Finance Abuse Highway 101.  The death-defying, high speed spins down Obamacare Curve, Bail Out Bend, and Harry Spender Hill gave tingles down our legs.  Sure, we may have jeopardized the futures of our kids and grandkids, but so what?  They’re probably going to be spoiled brats anyway.  They need to feels some hardship in their catered lives, taste a little bitter pill of struggle and difficulty, see what it’s like to beg for a lousy cup of coffee.  Be good for them.

There will be further announcements of belt tightening, program cancellations, thinning down bloated bureaucracy…so stay tuned to your local media network for whining updates.

In the meantime, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, please go ahead and send in your taxes early this year.  Don’t wait until April 15th.  We’re in a bit of a pinch, since some of our big time lenders have told us to kiss-off.  We may have to delay bonuses to top government officials, cut back on frivolous office supplies, and/or start buying our own doughnuts and coffee.  If you throw in a little more than you owe, we’ll send you a set of bubble gum trading cards with the recent ex-lawmakers’ pictures on them.  These will undoubtedly become cherished collector items, sure to skyrocket in value.

Bizarreville economists recently stated that the Big Recession, largest since World War II, ended 15 months ago.  This announcement came as a big surprise to most people who mistakenly thought things were still in the crapper.

At a news conference, noted Bizarreville University economist Dr. Melvin Derfberger made the announcement and fielded questions from the press.  When asked how he factored the continuing 10 percent unemployment rate into his recession formula, he replied, “Did not really put much weight on that variable.  You see, true unemployment numbers are impossible to pin down since so many people are in and out of the workforce.  Plus, typical unemployment figures don’t normally take into account the illegal Mexicans and Chinese people working in restaurants who basically have zero percent unemployment.  Skews the numbers.”

A second question was asked about how he reconciled his conclusions with the pathetic housing market.  “The housing market’s impact on the economy has been overblown by psuedo-econo-wannabes.  Everybody has got to live somewhere.  Buy one house, sell another.  Build one house, condemn another.  It all balances out, you see.  Next question?”

He was then challenged by one nervous reporter who cited that the stock market was still 30% below pre-recession highs.  Several companies, including Generous Motors went in the tank and slipped their stockholders the worm.  Other companies fell so low in market value, it will probably take generations to recover.  401K’s are hardly worth the paper they are printed on. 

“So what’s you point?” answered Dr. Derfberger.  “Hey, I lost my shirt, too.  Bought several thousand shares of that Donkey Burger stock…remember the one that claimed to be a healthier alternative to beef?  Yeah, I pushed all-in on that one.  But you know what?  I’m still here.”

Finally he was asked about the cratered level of consumer confidence, which predicts a very lean holiday season for retailers.  The good doctor replied, “Confidence, Shmodfidence.”

He summed up his presentation, sensing cynicism in the crowd of reporters, by stating that his analysis was the consensus of over 35 PhD economic professors who, while they’ve never actually been in the workforce or held anything resembling a real job, were still very smart people who sat on many Boards.  He stated some had even won Egg Head awards and a couple had deep, authority-sounding voices that sounded like the bass guy in the Oak Ridge Boys.

Stocks went up in early trading after the announcement, but took a 180-degree turn late in the afternoon to finish 2 percent down for the day.  Futures are sharply lower.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

A newly released survey conducted by the prestigious Flemm organization concluded that new laws requiring fat food restaurants to post calorie content of meal offerings may be missing their intended targets.  The survey found that 93% of all excessively fat and obnoxiously obese people don’t give a crap about the postings and certainly do not read them.

Even the moderately obese porkers overwhelmingly refuse to pay any attention to the calorie numbers.  “Hey, we know these freaking cheeseburgers and XL fries are loaded with fat, lard, and calories out the ying yang,” said one of the chubby overeaters, while munching a double bacon cheese chunkburger deluxe with extra mayo.  “If we wanted a friggin’ salad, we’d go to Salad King.  Durrrrr.”

The calorie postings remain popular with the green, organic eco-nerds, who remain committed to their continuation.  Unfortunately, this group is primarily comprised of skinny anorexic types, who truly need to burger-up a bit.  Nevertheless, lawmakers seem to listen to these stringbean weenies for some unexplained reason.  “We’re hopeful that, in time, the overweightoids will come to their senses,” one congressperson said.  “At some point, they must stop the packing and jamming, and learn some self-control.  If these postings won’t help….well, we’ll just have to move into some more drastic measures of unbridled freedom restriction.  We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Pssst…make a note to check the foundation structure of that bridge.”

Some fast food outlets have allowed gangs to go ahead and deface the calorie counter signs with graffiti and gang artwork, making them somewhat unreadable.  “It still technically complies with the law,” said one franchisee.  “Our lawyers have given us the thumbs up.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you may think are real.

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”.  Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent.  He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques.  He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way.  I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally.  But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir.  You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar.  He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.”  When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth.  But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter.  Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football.  “My money is on UNLV,” he replied.  When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too.  Next question?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

It has been confirmed that a new highly-secretive society has been formed of current lame-duck incumbent legislators who have lost their primary elections because of their legendary incompetence.  In the past, there have been very rare occasions when an incumbent has failed to hold their nomination in the primaries, usually only if he/she was blatantly convicted of a serious crime or committed some other gross atrocity while in office.  The recent outbreaks of “Throw the Bums Out” citizen attitude is unprecedented in its scope.

The Thrown Bums are, however, not just sitting on their arses waiting to collect fat retirement checks and free-for-life health care benefits.  No, instead they are organizing..not just to commiserate with each other…but to begin preparations to try and throw these “New Bums” out in upcoming years, in a leap frog retribution, of sorts.

The concept seems to have strong support among citizens, who like the idea of an organized, enema-like approach to the process which will be able to sustain itself into the future.  This will, of course, place less pressure on the ordinary Joe Citizen to spend energy organizing the boob throwout campaigns.  It will also provide the electorate with a steady source of reliable dirt accumulation and nastiness record-keeping to justify the regular purge.

The first orders of business will be to select a suitable meeting place, most likely a tavern with cheap Happy Hour of some sort, and naturally develop an appropriate secret handshake to separate the true Thrown Bums from the Wannabe bums. 

“We particularly need to keep out the arrogant incumbents who have won their primaries,” said an unnamed throwee.  “The last thing we need is those a$$#*les showing up to rub their fat little noses in our faces, and then running up the bar tab.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem so real.

The Bizarreville Tea Partiers assembled at the Monument Saturday morning, numbering in the hundreds of thousands.  Speakers talked about returning the nation to simple core values, prayer, personal responsibility, and pragmatic leadership.  Speaker after speader took to the podium to express his or her idyllic vision for the future. 

The crowd was initially very enthusiastic.  But they began to become restless, anxious, and soon became agitated when it became quite apparent that no tea was going to be served.  No earl grey, no english breakfast, no darjeeling, no afternoon delight.  No tea.

A small group of tea-drinkers in the back of the crowd started chanting, “We want tea.  We want tea.  We want tea.”  Before you knew it, the whole crowd seemed to erupt into the Tea chant.  The keynote speaker desperately tried to get the rally back on track by talking about tax reductions, investment incentives, and federal budget balancing…normally sure-fire themes.  But clearly the crowd wanted brewed refreshments, probably settling for anything of a brewed nature.

The speaker explained that the “Tea Party” was just a metaphor for the government’s wanton disregard for citizens’ input in regard to tax policy, individual freedoms, health care policy, government bailouts, reckless spending, and arbitrary law-making.  He explained that the nation was wandering in darkness, and needed a movement to help shine the light on their leaders’ misguidedness.  A citizen in the front row yelled out, “Yeah, we’re with you on the darkness thing.  But we still thought you were springing for the tea, man.  I’m parched.”

Eventually some of the rally organizers scrambled, bought out the tea inventories at nearby convenience stores, and started handing out bottles.  But by this time, a large throng of partiers had bailed, and were rumored to had reconvened at several nearby watering holes.

“Next time, don’t forget the friggin’ tea!” the keynote scolded as he stormed out of Monument Park.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Due to the flood of requests to allow readers of Bizarreville to get a glimse inside our book, Tales of Obamaland, below is an excerpt from one of the 21 fables.  This fable is titled “Labelmania”, a fun satirical story about the medical breakthrough of the century and how corporate lawyers “helped” things along.  It’s just a portion of the fable…sorry, have to buy the book to get the rest of the story.

LABELMANIA

In market tests in Shmooville.

Get your own copy of Tales of Obamaland to find out how this crazy fable concludes.  Buy a copy of the book for a friend who is taking things just a little too seriously and needs to lighten up a bit.  Buy it for a lawyer.  Just click on Amazon.com or any of the other e-retailers in the sidebar to the right.  And thanks for your support for Bizarreville.

Followers of the religion Vegetism are not strangers to controversy.  Their faithful have faced the scorns of many naysayers who have criticized their unusual worship of plants, fruits, and vegetables.  But their latest initiative has created an uproar in the non-Vegetism population.

It all started when the Vegites announced plans to purchase property to build an enormous worship site near Ground Zero, obviously regarded as a sacred place by many people.  It got even more heated when it became known that the Vegite worship site would, in fact, be a gigantic 50-foot high compost pile full of potato peelings, grass clippings, skunk beer, stale fruit, and other vegetating crud that would normally find its way into a garbage disposal. 

Opponents have claimed that the people responsible for the 911 disaster may well have been on some kind of nutty, vegetable diet causing short-circuits in their reasoning power.  Vegite supporters insist there is no evidence, no proof, no information whatsoever that supports such a goofy notion. 

People who are close to the opponents but refused to go on record say that there is a hidden agenda reason for opposing the Vegite shrine.  They say that the pile will just stink to high heaven.  Merchants in a 6-block radius will not be able to stay open during hot summer days because of the overwhelming stench from this pile of decaying garbage.  They say they asked whether the stinky pile could be enclosed, but the Vegite leaders had refused saying that the compost pile will not properly biodegrade inside.

It is not clear how this battle will end.  Administration officials say that this is a free country and people should be allowed to build what they want, be able to worship the way they want without undue/arbitrary restrictions.  One insider said that he thinks it is funny/ironic that many opposers are free enterprise supporters on most other issues, but for some reason, oppose this one because it does not fit their own agenda.  “You can’t have it both ways,” he said, while chowing down a vegetable hot dog.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

G. Marvin Shlonk, the CEO of Bumfunk Motors, just announced plans to step down from his post effective Monday.  Shlonk took over the position 4 years ago, after successfully taking Lardmark Airlines into bankruptcy and applying for several government bailouts, handouts, and kickbacks.  He has generally been regarded as a liquidation expert, and used his skills to downsize Bumfunk from 6 carlines down to 2, shutdown over 500 dealers nationwide, and reduce operating costs by eliminating Product Development and other non-essential functions.  He was not widely loved by employees, but he had claimed that he did not care anyway.

Shlonk’s claim to fame at Bumfunk was the introduction of an innovative line of wind-up rubberband vehicles that required no fuel whatsoever, and fit the President’s vision of energy efficiency.  The cars also employed the patented Flintstone braking system, considered “leading edge” in terms of energy efficiency.  Shlonk converted several old-fashioned assembly lines that had produced highly successful, but gas-hog sports cars into modern lines to produce the new vehicles he named WhizzerFunks. 

Marketing studies had suggested the public was clamoring for this type of car, and would line up to snap them up.  Turned out, however, that people became discouraged after discovering the car required 600 cranks to travel about 3 miles.  Back-packing eco-nerds loved the car.  The rest of the nation’s car-buying public just laughed, and stepped over to the gasoline models, at Bumfunk’s competitors.  Miles of rubber band supply stock still sit idle in Bumfunk warehouses.

The true downfall of Mr. Shlonk came when he referred to Bumfunk as “Bizarreville Motors” shortly after receiving a 3rd government bailout and making all Bumfunk common stock worthless.  That little slip of the tongue was an embarrassment to the Board, who immediately demanded his resignation.

Shlonk has expressed optimism for his future.  He said that there are plenty other pathetic companies out there who need bailouts, liquidations, and his style of indiscriminate makeovers.  He hinted that he is headed for the consumer electronics business segment to seek opportunities.

“Good morning, it’s 7:42 and we’re back with Fat Talk.  Are you as outraged as I am about these new proposed regulations in Bizarreville that would put a 50-cent tax on every can and bottle of non-diet soft drinks?  I mean, first it was the flap about having to pay for 2 airline seats if you were over 275 pounds…now this?  Call me at 1-800-CHUNKSTER, lines are open.  These feeble attempts by the government to thin us down to some pre-determined limit have gone too far, and it’s high time we rebel.  Our layers are bought and paid-for.  But here comes Big Brother again feeling a new social calling to manage personal behavior.  1-800-CHUNKSTER.  First call is from some skinny guy in Flumplard.”

“Yeah, first time caller, long-time listener.  You know you fat slobs sit around all day eating box after box of Oreos, bag after bag of nacho cheeseballs, Twinkies by the carload.  You don’t exercise, you don’t jazzercize, you never consider dieting, you just eat, fart, and s#!$ around the house…”

“So…..what’s your point?”

“My point is:  you and your tub-master listeners need to stop continually jamming your pie-holes.  Your obesity is affecting your health, and all of us skinny taxpayers are picking up the tab.  Most of you are too fat and too lazy to work, so you end up sucking away on the government dole.  Even without a job, you somehow still find ways to overeat, even if it mean sacrificing the roof over your head to get that double cheeseburger.”

“You sound like you need some Anger Management therapy, my friend.  There’s a good therapist …right next to the Main Street Bakery in Flumplard…mmmm…best peach cobblers I’ve ever eaten.  Like a peach explosion in your mouth.  And cupcakes.  Once bought a dozen of their red velvet cupcakes…melt in your mouth awesome.  Try it.  Next caller…?

“Hi.  I was going to make a point about the soft drink tax, but you reminded me of another bakery in Flumplard.  It’s right on the corner of 4th and Flumplard Boulevard…called Creamy Dreams, or something like that.  They make their own fudge that they spread over giant pecan danish pastries.  Never had anything like it.  You should try it.”

“Mmmmm…sounds good.  I may go there after the show is over.  You know, while we’re on the subject of bakeries, I just heard a rumor that a new business is opening up in Shlonktown to DELIVER fresh bakery items to your home…right to your front door.  That’s right …something we have been advocating for years…reminiscent of the old bread trucks, but this time with trays of all kinds of yummy baked goodies.  Don’t even have to get off the couch.  Call me if you know anything about this at 1-800-CHUNKSTER.  It can be such a hassle to traipse down to a bakery a couple times a day.  And, if you’re like me, you smell the place and never want to leave…here’s another skinny guy on the line.”

“Why don’t you just move into a bakery?  Do your whole show from inside a freaking bakery every day?  That way you could just blather for 3 hours about all the smells and new concoctions the baker is whipping up…put all your listeners into a sugar-induced fantasy trance…”

“Not a bad idea….hey, Johnnie, put that on our list for next week.  Man, I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  Got any more of those Ho-ho’s or Ding-dong’s hidden in your console back there, Johnnie?  Be honest, you chubby twerp.  Hand ’em over.   Back in a minute….”

The advancement of Mr. Alvin Greene, Democratic nominee for the Senate from South Carolina, has inspired a brand new segment of the Bizarreville population to consider seeking government office.  The so-called “air head” sector has become a larger and larger political force in the country, and many feel it is about time for this group to be fairly represented.  Besides, most everyone has realized that you do not need to be that smart to be in the Senate anyway.

Mr. Greene started this movement by surprisingly capturing the South Carolina Senate Democratic primary.  He was an unemployed man who had just been involuntarily tossed out of the military after getting numerous poor evaluations, citing him as an ineffective leader who lacked organization and was unable to express thoughts clearly.  He ran in the primary with basically no money, no campaigning, no website, few appearances…somehow managing to win overwhelmingly.  Pundits were initially confused about the outcome, until they determined that the jugheads, bean brains, and noodle noggen citizens in the state rallied together, came out in force to vote, and pushed him to easy victory.

Even though Mr Greene has some sort of college degree, he is appealing to the constituency of illiterate, uneducated knuckleheads who want a voice…even if it is a voice that can’t utter a coherent thought.  Other low-IQ people are now considering a run at political office, according to officials at the National Association of High School Dropouts and Beauty School Dropouts.  “Our members are sick and tired of smart, educated people thumbing their noses at them.  And they are particularly sick and tired of lawyer types and other elitists who drive around in their Buicks, and couldn’t care less about people who just happen to have mush between their ears.  Our members are starting to figure out where the polling places are, and believe me, they will start showing up on Election Day… if they don’t forget.”

Senior Senators were initially taken back by the fear of having dozens of low-IQ’ers part of their esteemed body. They considered trying to pass a quick measure to establish a minimum 50 IQ standard to be qualified to serve in the Senate.  During the debate, however, it was pointed out that many of the current incumbents might not pass the 50 IQ standard, so the issue has been tabled for now.  Some Senators are taking it in stride, and think the new wave of nincompoops could actually work to their advantage.  “Smart people can be a disadvantage,” said one Senator.  “The smart ones tend to ask too many questions on every bill, over-analyze every paragraph and clause, argue points ad-nauseum.  Getting a few drones in here will make life much simpler…just vote this way, and shut up.  I’m starting to like it already.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.