August 17th, 2010
Bumfunk Motors
G. Marvin Shlonk, the CEO of Bumfunk Motors, just announced plans to step down from his post effective Monday. Shlonk took over the position 4 years ago, after successfully taking Lardmark Airlines into bankruptcy and applying for several government bailouts, handouts, and kickbacks. He has generally been regarded as a liquidation expert, and used his skills to downsize Bumfunk from 6 carlines down to 2, shutdown over 500 dealers nationwide, and reduce operating costs by eliminating Product Development and other non-essential functions.
He was not widely loved by employees, but he had claimed that he did not care anyway.
Shlonk’s claim to fame at Bumfunk was the introduction of an innovative line of wind-up rubberband vehicles that required no fuel whatsoever, and fit the President’s vision of energy efficiency. The cars also employed the patented Flintstone braking system, considered “leading edge” in terms of energy efficiency. Shlonk converted several old-fashioned assembly lines that had produced highly successful, but gas-hog sports cars into modern lines to produce the new vehicles he named WhizzerFunks.
Marketing studies had suggested the public was clamoring for this type of car, and would line up to snap them up. Turned out, however, that people became discouraged after discovering the car required 600 cranks to travel about 3 miles. Back-packing eco-nerds loved the car. The rest of the nation’s car-buying public just laughed, and stepped over to the gasoline models, at Bumfunk’s competitors. Miles of rubber band supply stock still sit idle in Bumfunk warehouses.
The true downfall of Mr. Shlonk came when he referred to Bumfunk as “Bizarreville Motors” shortly after receiving a 3rd government bailout and making all Bumfunk common stock worthless. That little slip of the tongue was an embarrassment to the Board, who immediately demanded his resignation.
Shlonk has expressed optimism for his future. He said that there are plenty other pathetic companies out there who need bailouts, liquidations, and his style of indiscriminate makeovers. He hinted that he is headed for the consumer electronics business segment to seek opportunities.
