bizarreville

Comments have been flying high and wide analyzing the recent bumbled attempt to set off a car bomb in Times Square this week.  Faisal Shahzad, the alleged nutcase from Pakistan’s Cradle of Nutballs region, used cheap firecrackers, a Dollar Store one buck alarm clock, and a strange combination of quasi-explosives in the muffed attempt.  The mayor of New York called the attempt “amateurish”, while other pundits described it as an “incompetent pitiful bombing misadventure”.  Truly, most have agreed that this bombing attempt was certainly one of the five most pathetic bombing attempts in modern history, and in a tight race with the Christmas underwear bomber for this year’s “Pinto” award.

Shahzad, who was undergoing tough questioning at the nearby Hyatt luxury hotel and spa, was reached for comments during coffee/juice break time.  He strongly objected to being characterized as amateurish.  “I have spent many months in the finest Taliban camps and Al Qaeda s#!t-holes to learn bomb making and explosivology.  I have tutored under some of the most renowned Islamic terrorist trainers who have sent hundreds, no thousands, of suicide bombers to virgin-infested heaven.  I can show you a 10-page resume of mischief experience and wrongdoing that could rival any scumbag you put me up against.  To call me an amateur is an insult to me, my family, and to the entire terrorist nation.  I am a professional.”

The Professional Bombers Association agreed with the mayor and pundits.  A spokesman for the association said that Shahzad is a shahzad, just what his name says:  “In our international brotherhood lexicon, a shahzad is a total bumbling nitwit.  His original name was Mohammed Shlunkmeyer, but his buddies changed his name to Shahzad as a joke.  I guess he never got it.  In any case, he never passed our rigorous car bomber certification test, never paid his dues.”

He went on to say, “Look at his whole bomb set up.  He buys a dirt cheap SUV for 1300 bucks, no navigation system, cheap 4-speaker stereo.  He loads it with artificial fertilizer that any idiot would know won’t work.  The stuff doesn’t even smell like S#!t, for crying out loud!!  How dumb can you be to buy fertilizer that don’t stink?  Then he wires it up like he’s he’s wiring a shlunkfunkler.  Geez, man.  Don’t embarass us professionals by calling yourself one.” 

He went on to say that Shahzad should be locked up, put away for good…but he snickered every time he spoke the word Shahzad.  “Cracks me up, man, cracks me up.”

 Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Within moments of Arizona passing its tough-minded new law to deal with the flood of illegal immigrants, the mayor of San Francisco took to the microphone.  He informed the public, and in particular the City employees, that effective immediately there would be no more boondoggles of City employees to any part of Arizona.  This included no sidetrips to the Hoover dam on any City summits or symposiums to Vegas, or any special City Issues Conferences and Golf Outings in Scottsdale.  “If those cowboys down there want to start 3rd degreeing every ordinary citizen they come across…well, we will have no part in it,” the mayor said.

Reporters questioned the mayor whether the true reason for his pronouncement was because perhaps he had illegal Mexicans on his staff.  The mayor became outraged, “What…are you guys now going to enjoin this whole McCarthyism program and start badgering the good staff of citizens who make our city work so well?  Did I just fall asleep and wake up in Nazi Germany or something?”

After San Francisco broke the ice, a number of other cities jumped on the bandwagon, instructing their staffs to rebook their boondoggles to non-Arizona destinations.  One large city mayor immediately switched to one of the Dakotas.  When staffers complained that there was nothing to do in the Dakotas, the mayor said, “What about Mount Rushmore??  I’ve been there 7 times and plan to go again next summer.  You can’t get enough of that place, in my opinion.”  A reporter asked what about the flood of illegal Canadians that keep crossing the border and pouring into the Dakotas, literally unwatched and unregulated.  He replied, “Now that you mention it, there are a lot of people up there who put ‘Eh?’ on the end of their sentences.”

Other mayors and even some state governors are scrambling to reschedule their boondoggles in order to avoid the spotlight.  Many saw what happened when the group of City officials from Mixfart, Idaho, who were on a “business development” mission to Phoenix started getting questioned and scrutinized by protesters and reporters while they dined at a 5-star restaurant.  “Often Joe Public does not fully understand the value that these fact-finding trips uncover,” a senior Mixfart official said.  “They just see a bunch of city people lounging around, drinking cabernet around the pool at a luxo-resort, eating surf and turf, and getting in a few rounds of golf or tennis on the taxpayer tab.  They totally miss those mid-morning meetings where we talk details about city business…serious details, for sometimes over an hour.”

Many cities are under time pressure to get these trips in.  Some have been funded with Federal Stimulus program money, and could be under pressure after November.  But most are confident they can find alternate places to go.  One official said, “We’ll go to Europe if we have to.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Executives from Goldman Sachs were on Capitol Hill today, answering questions to a Senate subcommittee probing the events leading to the charge of fraudulent behavior during the recent financial crisis.  In particular, Goldman had allegedly loaded up on hedge funds shorting the housing market, while peddling clients mortgage backed securities containing toxic mortgage loans.  Lloyd Blankmind, CEO of the firm, was thoroughly grilled by the Senators for selling securities to unsuspecting customers that were “shitty”.  But Mr. Blankmind denied any wrongdoing saying that Goldman deals in shitty deals all the time, some much shittier than others, and some deals that are so shitty that flies won’t go near it.  He explained that’s what being an investment house is all about…sweet deals, and deals that are pure crap.  “If you want something in between, either go to your local First Bumf#*k  Bank or stuff your cash inside the mattress.  If you are a gutless cheeseball, we don’t want to do business with you here.  Off you go.  Sayonara.  Have a nice day.”

Several other Goldman executives were questioned, including trader Fabreeze Doorag who stated he had done nothing wrong whatsoever.  But when Senators asked whether he would take his own hard-earned money and put it into one of Goldman’s flaky investment portfolios, he said hell no.  He started laughing uncontrollably, then started coughing and choking, and had to be ushered out of the Committee room.  It appeared he may have peed his pants.

The Senate committeemembers were stunned by this arrogant attitude, and finally called Mr. Blankmind back to the microphone with hopes of an apology or at least explanation of the rude, disrespectful behavior of his people.  But, unfortunately, the green chile jalapeno taco salad Blankmind had wolfed down for lunch kicked-in as he approached the microphone, and moments later the hazmat squad donning Scott air-packs was in the chamber fumigating the place.  One beligerent senator tried to stick it out, refusing to leave the room until he got a response from Blankmind.  But he was eventually overcome, and had to be carried out by two colleagues.

The committee had originally planned to reconvene with more in-depth questioning tomorrow, but toxicologists warned members to stay out of the room for at least 48 hours, or until the litmus paper test no longer turns brown.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that you’d swear are true.

Click on the Simpli-tax page to see the latest installment of our trusty CPA’s effort to stop any/all efforts of tax reform.  It is survival time for them, and the tide is turning.

Also don’t forget to buy your copy of TALES OF OBAMALAND.  Great gift idea for a friend, relative, or colleague who needs a few laughs in his or her life.  Can click on one of the links on the right to buy from Amazon, BooksAMillion, Barnes & Noble, or Powells Books ——>

The President, tired and confused from a busy week, talked today about his upcoming priorities to rein in Wall Street, and implement sweeping climate control legislation to address global warming, or global cooling, whatever it seems to be doing.  But in the course of getting ready for his speech, the teleprompter text got mixed up.  Somehow, the President’s lunch order for Chinese also got fumbled into the mix.  It all went something like this:

Friends, it has become apparent to me that a pressing national priority absolutely must be to put an end to the Wall Street mavericks who are spewing tons and tons of carbon dioxide, creating the greenhouse effect in our world.  On Earth Day, a day we celebrate the greenness of our hundred dollar bills, we can no longer merely accept a passive approach to burning cash and melting down coins just so the investment bankers and squirrelly speculators can eat General Tso chicken and pork fried rice.  It is their irresponsibility that inevitably created the economic crash that caused us to order the Cash for Clunkers program to reduce smog, and eliminate the odor that can come from sweet and sour sauce. 

So we will be taking firm steps to curtail coal-fired electrical power plants, and replace them with clean burning wontons.  There will be tax penalties that will have to be paid by these dirty industries, with proceeds going to help the poor homeless families who have been tossed out via foreclosures and/or failure to pay the delivery charge on their order.  But there will also be incentives for those people at Goldman Sachs and fuel-efficient bankers who continue to support our highest ideals, or at least continue to send me those fat campaign contribution checks (ha, ha).  But seriously, friends, our future, our kids’ futures, and the future of egg foo young are all at stake if we don’t insist on accountability for clean restrooms. 

Therefore, I am directing Congress to immediately pass these laws before our planet gets too warm and our egg-drop soup gets too cold.  It is time for us to act decisively, force all the greedy bankers to be quarantined at Three Mile Island, force all the polluters to eat sushi, and stop all the confusing rhetoric.  I am asking all the freedom-loving kooks who listen to talk radio or read the crazy stuff in blogs like “bizarreville” to cease and desist drinking green tea, and taste this new flavor of KoolAid that I just came across…tastes a little bit like sulfur dioxide.  And remember if we all just walk to our schools, stores, and workplaces we will save enough energy to buy a pu-pu platter.

Thank you, and have a good Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The volcanic dust from the eruption of the Iceland volcano has managed to even effect the local economy in Bizarreville.  The WalMart, which prides itself on being open 24 hours/day, 7 days/week was forced to declare a state of emergency when 43 of its employees called-off sick, claiming that they were choking from the ash dust in the air.  Some said that they had breathed in shards of glass that ripped through their lungs, forcing them to cough up blood and other nasty green goo.  When asked if they were rushed to the hospital, all said No, they were just taking it easy at home, taking tequila shots to ease the pain.

Authorities, however, have said that the ash clouds from the Iceland blast have come nowhere near Bizarreville.  The problems are surfacing in England and the mainland of Europe, but nowhere near here.  Some scientists have said that it is possible that a jet stream could have picked up a hunk of this junk and transported it here, but it is extremely unlikely.  “Probably just a bunch of deadbeats looking for any lame excuse to fart off work,” said one of the volcanologists. “Tell them to bring in some bloody mucous samples, and we’ll take a look.  But don’t hold your breath.”

Meanwhile, the WalMart had to scale back its operations to just allowing purchases of dog food, diapers, and cheap T-shirts due to the shortage of help.  When customers asked why just these products, they were told, “Listen, do you want dog food or not?  If not, then beat it.”  Certainly the long hours being worked by the small cadre of non-excusers, along with having to sleep on cheap WalMart cots set up in the Auto department, has had an effect on attitudes.

WalMart local management has said they will endure through this volcanic flu crisis and soon get back to business at usual…getting back to offering its full range of worthless garbage at low, low prices that people have come to expect from the leader of retailing in the free world.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the volcano stories.

A Look inside the book….

Chapter One.

The tyrant-wannabe must first understand that it is not as easy being tyrannical as you would think.  It takes time, persistence, a willingness to go that extra mile in demonstrating consistent nastiness in a new, exciting unpredictable ways.  Many potentially world-class tyrants have failed to reach the pinnacles because they became too predictable…particularly in the ways they mistreated and tormented their people.  Best practice has always been to gin up a new element of creepiness each and every day that is radically different from the creep show the day before.

It is important that the tyrant-in-training first decide which type of tyrant he/she wants to be:

1. Benevolent tyrant who claims to be taking total charge in order to help people, particularly those who have not been able to realize full happiness in their lives.  These people may have pursued happiness, only to discover that some jerk took it away.  The benevolent tyrant will promise leveling things out, and naturally break that promise on a regular basis.

2. Taskmaster tyrant who decides, by gosh, he’s got a job to do, and will get it done by shear force.  This tyrant believes he has a mandate from his adoring public to do whatever it takes, and feels he has total authority over his whole domain.  He will command his subjects to fulfill his wishes.  Head beatings may be necessary for slackers to his orders.

3. Ruthless tyrant who takes the taskmaster tyrant flavor one step further.  He normally discovers the root of all society problems is confined to certain people whose behavior is abhorant to him.  He spends most of his time trying to figure out ways to mum these people.

The irony in the tyrant choice decision is that it doesn’t really matter which flavor you choose.  All end up essentially behaving the same way in time.  But most successful tyrants prefer to look like #1, the benevolent tyrant, because it plays better in the press.  It allows the creation of an image of empathy, which is effective at tricking the gullible public into believing he will truly help them out of their situation.  Of course, by the time they realize that they just stepped into a bucket of s#!&t, it’s too late, baby.

Next, it is very important for the tyrant trainee to engage in Mirror time.  He must practice the various tyrant “looks”, with at least 6 reps of 20 minute look drills per day, especially in the early days of the tyranny.  He should practice the look of growling at flunkie interruptions, eyeball popouts during any staff disagreement, furled eyebrows at idiotic citizen comments, total disgust at any sort of bad news, rage at any insubordination, and generally a scowl as a default look.  Repeated practice will make these looks come natural to the tyrant when the situation arises, since often there will not be a mirror available when needed.

The tyrant will want to quickly begin to develop his own henchman security force, who will bust heads, bust chops to enforce your agenda.  It’s good to start early and create a probation program that will sort the true stars from the hench-talkers who talk a good game, but cannot truly clock a guy with one swift swipe.  Alignment training will be required, formerly known as brain-washing.  Brain-washing was never a very adequate term to use, since technically brains were never truly being washed in the detergent sense of the word.  In modern times, terms like visioning, developing common purpose, and execution are more politically correct terms to use to describe getting your henchmen’s priorities right.

In the next chapter, we will discuss other important early aspects of creating that tyranny that historians will talk about for millenia, including the importance of selecting the proper gold and/or gem-encrusted throne that speaks to your individual personality.

The Left wing Administration, during the process of rolling-out their Total People Control program, have begun to feel a wee bit of pressure from ordinary citizens.  People are finally waking up from their political sleep, defogging their brains, and coming to realize that they could end up losing a lot of freedoms in the future, as these Changes You Can Believe In elements take hold.  More and more citizens are starting to get vocal at Tea Party rallies and Town Hall meetings.  Others are sending emails to their representatives…but of course, those are pretty much getting s#!*t canned by screeners, who are protecting the representatives’ delicate ears from such blatant in-your-face feedback.

But last week, the Administration staffers got their eggheads together and developed a fool-proof plan to combat this wave of discontent, and get on a new course to change public opinion.  One of the Senior Gophers came up with the brilliantly innovative idea of issuing Liberty Coupons.  For that bit of initiative, the Gopher was given 2 free movie passes to the theater of his choice and 1 large popcorn/Coke combo…total estimated value of over 100 bucks.

The Liberty Coupons program would work like this.  Liberty Coupons could be granted by any member of government to individuals who have displayed superior loyalty, taken brave action to help crush any opposition, or just suck-up well.  These coupons could be sold or traded, but each coupon would allow the bearer the privilege of garnering one small act of freedom.  Multiple coupons could be used for larger acts of freedom.  All coupon redemption offers would be illustrated in a full-color catalog, produced by the new Department of People Control.

For example, one Liberty Coupon could allow the bearer to procure a simple act of freedom, such as being entitled to read a Sean Hannity book, buy a Rock&roll CD, or be allowed to cut down a tree on his/her property.  Trading in 5 Liberty Coupons could allow you to visit the Doctor of your choice, or perhaps be able to purchase a large order of fries at a designated McDonalds or Burger King.  A five-spot could allow a citizen the right to buy a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee beer at a non-governmental beverage distributor.  Or, it could allow you to paint a wall in your home a color other than the normally prescribed “Autumn Wheat”.

And it would go up from there.  Ten coupons, for example, could permit you to lock your home doors.  Twenty coupons would allow you to purchase a non-hybrid vehicle…and for 2 more coupons, you could actually be allowed to buy a diesel.  Mind you, the coupons don’t cover the price of the merchandise you would have to pay…only the right to be able to make the purchase….consumers would still have to fork over the dough, in addition to the Coupon. 

Thirty coupons would permit you to send your children to a non-ghetto school…or allow you to accept a job in the rapidly dwindling private sector…that is, if there are still any jobs available.

The Administration likes the program’s premise, in that it is modeled after the successful Rewards programs that people now love so much.  And the Liberty Coupon program will encourage the behavior of “saving up” for those freedoms that people cherish the most, rather than just wasting Liberty Coupons on small trivial freedoms that don’t really matter that much to them.  All in all, the staff seems enthusiastic about finding this common ground with the Freedom Seekers contingent out there, and plan to get this program rolling on a fast-track by July.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem quite real.

During an interview a couple weeks ago, Congressman John Dingell from Michigan had an inadvertant slip of the tongue and let out the administration’s next series of strategies in the Change You Can Believe In program.  Dingell is the longest serving congressman in the House, having been reelected an amazing 26 times.  He has kept the liberal vision alive during all that time, and with the recent change in power, seems was just unable to control his exhuberence.

Dingell was quoted saying: “…it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that will have to be taken to put legislation together to control the people.”  The ‘control the people’ phrase set off a firestorm in conservative camps who immediately started probing into the next shoe-drop in the move toward socialism that is expected to be proposed by summer.  Under huge pressure, Mr. Edlard Smurf, spokesman for the administration finally relented and addressed the crowds.

“John has let the freaking cat out of the bag on our yet-to-be-announced program on tighter people control.  I guess he has been supporting this move for so long, that he just could no longer hold it in.  No matter.  Affectionately known as Project ViceGrip around here, it will be intended to quickly bring an end to the out-of-control freedoms that have simply lingered too long.  People have unfortunately been given too much choice…where to live, where to go for french fries, how to dance, where to go to college, what jobs to get…on and on.  And you see where it has gotten us?  To a country where some people live very well, and others live like crap.  It’s just not fair, the President knows it, and you know it.  Our new ViceGrip program will be the great equalizer.”

Smurf references how well tight control has worked with smoking.  By raising cigarette taxes and limiting where people can smoke, the government has been able to make a significant change in people’s behavior.  And even though there are many people who continue to smoke, Smurf says that it is mainly confined to dirt bags, rednecks, drug users, and kids.   

Smurf says that their People control program will be a comprehensive roll-out, that will eventually rein in behaviors of all kind that the Leaders feel are unhealthy, unwise, unproductive, or unfair.  In some cases, there will be incentives to encourage good behavior…such as eating carrots instead of cheese balls, or walking to the market instead of driving.  Specific incentives have yet to be determined, but could include things like free movie tickets to G-rated shows, a case of Granola bars, or a 6-pack of prune juice.  Extraordinary good behavior could get you a free vacation in Cuba with Michael Moore as your host.

But in addition to the “carrot” approach, there will also be the “stick” …for misbehavior such as attending Tea Party rallies, listening to Glenn Beck, or making profit in a business.  Even something as simple as Working Hard will be watched closely in order to flush out anyone who tries to play the one-upsmanship game.  Extra paddy wagons will be appropriated to shuttle off these ne’er-do-wells to various holding cells for remedial realignment retraining. 

ViceGrip will be extended to the college admission process by nationalizing all colleges.  Smurf says that there is no feasible way to reach true equality over who gets in and who gets tossed…so a select Committee will decide.  And their decision will not be based solely on the semi-unfair traditional measures such as high school grades or the SAT scores.  No, the Committee will have the latitude to consider all objective and subjective factors when making their assignments…with the watchword being “equalizing”.  Smurf said that those egghead prima donnas with the 1600 SAT scores may just find themselves enrolled at Bumf*#!k University next semester.

Dingell was later reached for comment, and said that he had originally wanted just a little more government control, but ViceGrip takes it far beyond his wildest dreams.  When asked how his suburban Detroit constituents will react to ViceGrip and whether this could influence his ability to go for a 27th term, Dingell said “I don’t really give a sh!*t.  I’m ready to retire anyway.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

With the recent announcement that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring, there is a scramble to quickly develop a short-list of candidates for his replacement.  Stevens was most known for being the outspoken leader of the liberal wing of the Court.  He was nominated by President Ford in 1975, and at the time, appeared to be a constitutional conservative, but almost immediately did a quick 180 and changed his views on everything legal.  He changed his views on affirmative action, the death penalty, gun control, and at one point suggested just scrapping the Constitution and starting over.  “Man, I sure fooled those bozos,” said Stevens at the time.  “What a bunch of saps.”

A local county judge from Bizarreville has emerged as a potential replacement candidate, named Judge Mert Shlunk.  Mert also owns the Shlunk Auto Body Collision shop, which offers a guarantee to give any customer 5 pounds of coffee if they gripe that their repair job sucks.  In terms of background, Shlunk got his law degree from Stubitz Refrigerator College with a solid C-average, and a fairly good class attendance record.  He became a judge 13 years ago, and put on a brilliant campaign… which seemed somewhat irrelevant when it turned out no one else was running.  He has had no issues of personal infidelity staining his tenure on the bench, but quips that maybe he would have if he was better looking.

Shlunk is an enigma in terms of his political philosophy and leanings.  He attends church regularly, but doesn’t put anything into the offering basket.  He believes strongly in the Constitution, but admits that technically he’s never read it, cover to cover.  “Every time I go to the library, it’s checked out.”

Shlunk supports equal rights, and espouses expanding the rights of NASCAR fans, light beer drinkers, and Moms-with-bratty-kids segments of the population.  He believes that women have the right to choose, but thinks that mainly should apply to what to cook for dinner and which fabric softener to buy.  He is unsure of his stand on the constitutionality of income tax, indicating that particular issue may be in the part of the Constitution he hasn’t read yet.  He does not believe in gay marriage, but says he’s not so crazy about straight marriage either.

When asked about Roe vs. Wade, he said he normally prefers to stay inside the boat, and would generally prefer to pick up an oar if his fishing boat motor konks out.  “In fact, I have a pretty solid record on this issue,” Shlunk said.  “I really need to buy a new motor for that friggin boat.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Introducing the new Thugster Card, a card designed especially for that small portion of the population who normally has been systematically excluded from any/all perky Rewards programs…the common thug.  Now you, yes you, can utilize your own unique talents/skills to earn exciting prizes and trips to your favorite destinations.

Each time you go into that biker bar and beat up a few weenies, you earn points that will be tabulated by the bar-keep hiding beneath the bar.  Break a few chairs or mirrors:  bonus points.  Pop some smart alec with a pool cue-stick:  earn gold star points, as well as the admiration of your fellow Thugster reward friends.

But there’s more, much more.  Even simple thuggery like shoving an old lady into a mud puddle gets you points, if witnessed by another Thugster card member.  Sticking out your tongue at a little baby and scaring him half to death has been another popular point-grabber.  Almost any kind of cheating will help you quickly rack up bonus points as you strive for Platinum card status.  And when you get there, point awards all double.  Imagine that!

Just present your card to the Warden after your sentence, and he will provide you with a pamphlet of thrill-packed choices…ranging from paisley or pastel-colored jumpsuits to Chain gang adventures where you can pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke and get the piss actually knocked out of you…!  How’s that for a reality experience?  You may even get 30 days in the hole, if they still have holes where you’ll be staying.

And when you’re parolled, the Warden will hand your Thugster card back so that you can get back on the street and start amassing new points:  harrassing homeless peole, urinating in public, or shouting obscenities at a cop.  The fun never stops.

Sign up now.  And remember there’s no annual fee.  Actually there was an annual fee, but our President stole it…gave him 300 points for that one…what a riot!  Act now.

The Bizarreville Bankers Association issued a statement yesterday that has a segment of citizens very upset.  The Bankers announced that there will no longer be a classification of mortgage loans titled “Sub-prime” mortgages.  As most know, sub-prime mortgages were widely viewed as a key contributing factor to the recent financial crisis and economic recession.  And so to distance themselves from this confusing and very ambiguous term, the Bankers have decided to drop it altogether.

In its place will be 3 new classifications of mortgage loans, and all loans for that matter:  (1) Prime credit loans, (2) Loans to people whose credit sucks, and (3) Loans to numbskulls who will most assuredly never pay them back, so say goodbye to that dough.  The Banks will also adopt a new logo system that will appear on all loan applications and other paperwork…a vacuum cleaner icon on the ‘Credit Sucks’ designees, and a stack of cash with wings icon for the ‘Kiss that dough goodbye’ designees.  Logo tee-shirts will also be available at any participating bank.

Much of the outcry has been related to the #2 classification, Loans to people whose credit sucks.  Gripers argue that this places a stigma on a lot of good people who, through no fault of their own, just ended up getting a dozen or so credit cards with maxxed-out balances, and/or a car loan whose monthly payments were set unreasonably high by greedy bankers.  They claim that it will now be difficult for them to get any financing for a new Lexus or Beamer, let alone a mortgage on that new lakefront cottage.  They will be embarrassed to ever file for bankruptcy for fear of being ridiculed and stigmatized by friends and neighbors.

Several banks have recognized the insensitivity of the ‘Credit Sucks’ designation, and have offered to give any lousy credit customer who opens a new account a free low-power vacuum cleaner as a promotional enticement.  Another bank is giving away free brooms with a label “Don’t suck, sweep”.  The Bankers Association said they are certain that these low-end customers will see the humor in these items…although privately one bank exec said he hopes they do their business at the credit union from here on out.

Surprisingly, there has been little pushback on the ‘Never Pay Back’ designation.  Most feel this segment of the market will return to their roots of borrowing money from Title Pawn companies, loan sharks, and the mob…where contract terms are simpler and payback terms are easy for them to understand.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.