June 18th, 2010
President Asskicker
The President, in a desperate attempt to change his pansy image, attended the National Asskicker Society meeting this week. Members unanimously voted him Honorary Chief of the Society for “showing the mean angry face of a determined bully who meant business and would take no prisoners.” The President was humbled so much in this designation that the Board almost decided to take the honor away from him.
The Chairman of the Society, Elfred DeJong, officially known as the F#?%Head Supreme, said that the President has made great strides in flushing out his inherent weenyness that had made him the lapdog of the bleeding heart liberals. “But we need to see more than just a snippet or two of tough talk,” he said. “We need to see him chasing down those Washington idiots across the White House lawn and literally be kicking their asses along the chase. We want it to look like a bloody Three Stooges routine. He needs to be Moe. That’s when we’ll be truly convinced of his ability to earn the honor bestowed upon him today. We’ll be watching.”
A spokesman for the President said he is going to seriously try hard to be an A-1 Asskicker, even though it runs against all his natural instincts. He has started watching old James Cagney face-slapping movies, and some Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movies to better learn classic jerkism. He has even considered pulling out the old strap on his kids. The President has cancelled his memberships in the Mamby Pamby Society, the Gutless Wonders Association, and the Men With Tears. “He’s committed. There will be no tear sheds around here, believe me.”
As the President left the National Asskickers Society meeting, he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face. “There’s still work to do,” the President said as he brushed off his Armani suit. The Society Chairman said that they could always retract the honor if he returns to acting like a boob.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.
