bizarreville

At a press briefing this weekend, the Administration announced the appointment of Jeffrey Staffmelt as head of the new President’s Council on Jobs.  Mr. Staffmelt will organize a special ad hoc team to evaluate the current pathetic job situation, understand its root causes, and develop a crisp Power Point presentation on path forward.  It is expected that the team will recommend additional subcommittees, sub-subcommittees, maybe even getting down to the tertiary level of sub-committees before it actually does anything tangible.

Reporters were curious to know why Mr. Staffmelt, CEO of Geritol Electric, a company which has been criticized for plant closures, massive staff reductions, and moving jobs to 3rd world countries, was considered the “best” candidate for the job.  In particular, some wondered if Mr. Staffmelt, who is affectionately known as “Julio” around the office for all the jobs he’s shipped to Mexico, has the right mindset to create jobs, rather than vaporize them.

“We think he’s the right guy,” the Administration spokesman retorted.  “He’s writing a book on Lessons Learned the Hard Way, which encapsulates the mistakes he has made that have literally shut down entire towns as their factories padlocked the gates.  He has actually visited some of those towns to see the devastation.  Someone said that he had a tear in his eye when he visited Balloogaville three weeks ago.  But another said that he thought he just got finished blowing his nose.”

The spokesman went on to say that the focus will be on jobs where our country has a distinct competitive advantage.  “…And that doesn’t mean just flipping burgers at McDonalds.  No.  There are many other opportunities out there:  Burger King, Arbys, Hardees, and…well, thousands of chicken franchises.  You know as well as I that these places need good help…you end up waiting in line 10 minutes to get a lousy chocolate shake, for crying out loud.  We’re looking to Mr. Staffmelt to establish some tough new industry standards on waiting lines as one of his first priorities.  That will get more people on payrolls, and off unemployment compensation.”

It was noted that Mr. Staffmelt has won a number of awards, and last year bought a trophy case that he placed in his vacation cottage office.  His most recent award came from Flunkmaster Magazine for having the highest differential between his personal compensation and his company’s performance, among all CEO’s.  In the article, Staffmelt credited his best friend and personal agent for developing and negotiating a complex pay scheme algorithm for him, which kept his package skyrocketing in spite of cratering results.  “Guy’s a genious,” Staffmelt was quoted.  “True genious.  I love the guy.  I’d marry him if he weren’t so ugly.”

A spokesman for Staffmelt read a statement that Jeffrey was looking forward to his new post.  The appointment was timely, especially given the rumor that he might be s#!t-canned from his current CEO position.  Geritol Electric stockholders have been vocally upset about the company’s dismal performance, losing 50% of its value over the past four years, and running a mixed bag of tangled, conglomerated operations that Business Funk magazine called “the most inefficient business model since the days of Textron.”  When one reporter referred to that article and asked who the hell Textron was, the spokesman said, “Beats me.  Never heard of them.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you think you saw before in the real world.

Administration officials were handing out celebratory cigars this past week as gasoline prices at the pump continued to rise well above $3 per gallon, and crude oil prices started getting close again to the $100 per barrel mark.

A spokesman, while doing a simulated brow-wipe of relief, had to towel off tears of joy as he read the statement, occasionally pausing in an emotional Boehner-like moment as he tried to get the words out.  “The President’s Economists were extremely concerned about the potential for spiralling hyper-deflation, which could have a crushing effect on the economy, and probably lead us into a depression.  The combination of deflation and no economic growth would be disastrous.”

He pointed out that oil/gasoline prices are key to the economy because they impact virtually all elements directly or indirectly.  “The Economic Council encourages all citizens to use more gasoline.  Everyone should consider, strongly consider, rushing out and buying some SUV’s.  Not those puny little kiddie-toy utility vehicles that look like SUV’s with osteoporosis.  No…the big momma’s with the 10.9 liter V-12 engines that have trailer towing capacity of a 12-ton house trailer.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If only 10 percent of our people bought one of those, we wouldn’t have to worry about deflation fears for 15 years.”

One reporter asked about the Administration’s position on the risk of significant INFLATION, if people just start irresponsibly sucking down more and more precious fuel, driving up oil imports, for no practical reason.  The spokesman responded, “What…are you some sort of Economic expert?   Where did you get your Business PhD from…Hamburger University?  Show me some credentials, wise ass, or shut the frigg up.  These guys on the Council have spent years, decades, thinking about this stuff.  You nitwits have been thinking about it since lunch.”

Most reporters clammed-up, folded their notepads or ipads, and started to leave.  But one reporter bellowed that he did have a doctorate from a Top 10 business school, and thought this analysis was the stupidest thing he ever heard.  The spokesman responded, “Yeah, well you’re stupid,” and exited the briefing room.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority.  They have stated that it is a program that no one wants:  businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan.  If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?

“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied.  “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed.  These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors.  They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.”  He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance.  These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.

“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter.  “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”

“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied.  “You gotta beef?  Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie.  No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders.  That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless.  After all, jobs are jobs.”

Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed.  He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction.  “Next step:  We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs.  The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more.  Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”

The Earmarks Rehab Clinic administrators have announced that the clinic is now officially open for business.  But, they warn that the reservation spots are filling quickly, so are encouraging lawmakers to register as soon as possible, before the Waiting Line begins.

As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation.  The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children.  One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend.  The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks.  In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes.  Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.

Happily, help is on the way.  The Earmark Rehab Clinic employs a 9-step program to thoroughly cleanse them of their earmark addiction.  “It starts with a physical cleansing,” the Chief Nurse explained.  “We use enemas, lots and lots of enemas, dozens each day to clear the fecal backup that is inevitably part of the problem.  We also do a nostril enema to clear that backup.  We flush all the nasty stuff out, and that seems to relieve the pressure on their noggens somehow.”

The Head physician then went on to explain the next steps, which he half-kiddingly referred to as “mental enemas”.  The clinic uses a series of mental tests, psychological counseling, ouiga boards, and hypnosis to work on the addict’s behaviors.  The hypnosis is particularly interesting, as the staff turns the patients into a squawking flock of birds, or a raging pack of donkeys.  “The donkey bit might not change their behavior much, but it’s certainly entertaining to the staff around here.  What a riot when they all start hee-hawing in harmony!”

The head of administration said that their January schedule is now full, but there are a few openings still left in February.  They explained that no lame duck lawmakers will be allowed to register until all the re-elected addicts have gotten their chances for earmark rehabilitation.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were real.

Bizarreville Health officials are seriously worried over the recent epidemic of total deafness among liberal senators.  They have called for an immediate confab of Ear, Nose, and Throat specialists nationwide to diagnose the source of the problem and develop a solution path, before the ailment spreads outside this group. 

The outbreak appears to have happened as the senators voted to pass the so-called “Tax Cut extension” bill.  The 2000 page bill, erroneously sold to the public as a tax cutting measure, actually contains 6000 spending earmarks, costing billions.  The earmarks include such lame-brainness as a peanut research program, mosquito trapping research, and a swine waste management study.  It was not clear if the “swine” referred to pigs or senators…or whether there was really any significant difference in the makeup of their waste products anyway.

A senior senator on the Appropriations committee was asked by reporters whether he had listened to the voice of citizens during the last election who demanded spending cuts and fiscal responsibility.  “Huh?” the senator responded.  He was then asked if he had heard the cries by voters to get the dang Federal budget deficit under control and eliminate the irresponsible Earmark program.  He answered, “What was that??  Are you talking to me?”  Another reporter asked whether he had any clue about how to balance any sort of freaking budget, or whether he and his colleagues were simply too inept to do basic math.  The senator replied, “I see your lips moving.  Are you a mime or something?  Man, it sure got quiet in here.”

An opposing party official was asked why this deafness ailment just seemed to affect the Liberals, and not the Conservatives.  He replied that he did not know what exactly they did in their caucuses, did not want to know, and was uncertain what nasty little bug was gnawing inside their auditory canals…or, for that matter, how the bugs got there in the first place.  He also expressed relief that he was not one of those ENT doctors who would have to mine through the earwax of those senators, nor peer into their heads full of jell-o.

Health officials noted that this ailment has happened before.  “Affected legislators normally do not have any long-term ill effects,” one official commented, “and seem to gain full recovery once they are swiftly booted out of office and go home.  Bed rest is really what they need, months of bed rest.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Make it a funny Christmas.  Buy a friend (or adversary) a copy of Tales of Obamaland to jam into his/her Christmas stocking.  Tis the season to lighten up. 

Click on one of the e-retailers on the right ->

The compromised tax deal announced by the President has infuriated a group who were thought to be his staunchest allies.  The activist group known as the King Georgers was formed soon after the Tea Party groups were formed, in direct opposition to the “teabaggers”.  Their platform is simple:  ‘More tax.  Never, never less tax.’  They believe in fiscal responsibility:  tax the piss out of people to support an ever-expanding government with everybody paying their unfair share.  Hey, life is not fair.  The King Georgers claim that there is so much work to do in terms of complete Health Care takeover, auto/steel industry nationalization, and bank/financial system totalitarianism.  And that needs to be paid for.  This recent deal of continuing the ill-advised Bush tax cuts, after promising to nuke them, is their last straw, prompting them to take to the streets.

The King Georgers staged a rally yesterday to coalesce their membership, which is mostly comprised of multi-billionaires on one hand, and people who don’t pay any taxes on the other.  There was a smattering of pseudo-intellectuals in the crowd, mostly burnt-brain college professors who were reportedly mumbling incomprehensible jibberish to themselves.  They proudly raised their flag, featuring a likeness of King George III himself, looking pissy and ready to pound some colonist butt.

“Our elected officials,” the GeorgeMaster shouted, “are continuing to let us down.  They are squandering away precious time that could be spent dreaming up new creative tax schemes, squelching slimy loopholes, and melting away frivolous deductions.  Instead they are wasting time on these incomprehensibly stupid tax cut ideas.  How do they expect to pay for the next General Motors takeover?  The next Citi Bank takeover?  The complete takeover of all media by the FCC??  We need revenue, lots of revenue to realize our bold plans for a united controlled system.”

Just then, the crowd started chanting, “Tax, tax, tax, tax.”  The echo almost made it sound like “Axe tax”, so the leader quickly hushed the crowd, lest anyone get the wrong message.

“We long for the good old days of King George III,” he continued. “A time of glory when kickbacks, bribes, and favors were the primary tools to win influence.  A time of ‘well-managed corruption’ throughout the land.  A time when vindictiveness was the answer for those who chose to be misaligned.  Where leaders would respond to Tea Party hijinx by closing the port, shutting down the city, and shooting a few rowdies if they got too confused.  We need to get back to that heavy-handedness of yore.”

Insiders on the President’s staff have unofficially responded that the King Georgers just need to show a little more patience.  “He has the same goals that you do,” he said, speaking to a gang of Georgers.  “He’s just doing a little shake & bake right now to catch the opposition off-guard.  Don’t worry, he’ll be back…then look out!  He’ll make ole King George look like Mary Poppins.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.

Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA.  Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true.  Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.

A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there.  When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere.  He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that.  Slam Futon sucks.  He’s barely worth a hill of beans.”  Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.”  The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.

But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window.  The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna.  He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home.  Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.

Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history.  With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent.  He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.

Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.

Management regrets to inform you that the Federal spending binge is now over.  Kapoot.  The 2-year window of opportunity for reckless spending out the veritable ying-yang has closed…closed down on the poor fingers of many unsuspecting lawmakers.  On behalf of the kazillions of government employees and lame duck government officials, we just must say we are sorry the party could not have lasted longer.

But my…wasn’t if fun while it lasted!  All involved had such a joyous time on this wide-open throttle wild ride down Finance Abuse Highway 101.  The death-defying, high speed spins down Obamacare Curve, Bail Out Bend, and Harry Spender Hill gave tingles down our legs.  Sure, we may have jeopardized the futures of our kids and grandkids, but so what?  They’re probably going to be spoiled brats anyway.  They need to feels some hardship in their catered lives, taste a little bitter pill of struggle and difficulty, see what it’s like to beg for a lousy cup of coffee.  Be good for them.

There will be further announcements of belt tightening, program cancellations, thinning down bloated bureaucracy…so stay tuned to your local media network for whining updates.

In the meantime, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, please go ahead and send in your taxes early this year.  Don’t wait until April 15th.  We’re in a bit of a pinch, since some of our big time lenders have told us to kiss-off.  We may have to delay bonuses to top government officials, cut back on frivolous office supplies, and/or start buying our own doughnuts and coffee.  If you throw in a little more than you owe, we’ll send you a set of bubble gum trading cards with the recent ex-lawmakers’ pictures on them.  These will undoubtedly become cherished collector items, sure to skyrocket in value.

Bizarreville economists recently stated that the Big Recession, largest since World War II, ended 15 months ago.  This announcement came as a big surprise to most people who mistakenly thought things were still in the crapper.

At a news conference, noted Bizarreville University economist Dr. Melvin Derfberger made the announcement and fielded questions from the press.  When asked how he factored the continuing 10 percent unemployment rate into his recession formula, he replied, “Did not really put much weight on that variable.  You see, true unemployment numbers are impossible to pin down since so many people are in and out of the workforce.  Plus, typical unemployment figures don’t normally take into account the illegal Mexicans and Chinese people working in restaurants who basically have zero percent unemployment.  Skews the numbers.”

A second question was asked about how he reconciled his conclusions with the pathetic housing market.  “The housing market’s impact on the economy has been overblown by psuedo-econo-wannabes.  Everybody has got to live somewhere.  Buy one house, sell another.  Build one house, condemn another.  It all balances out, you see.  Next question?”

He was then challenged by one nervous reporter who cited that the stock market was still 30% below pre-recession highs.  Several companies, including Generous Motors went in the tank and slipped their stockholders the worm.  Other companies fell so low in market value, it will probably take generations to recover.  401K’s are hardly worth the paper they are printed on. 

“So what’s you point?” answered Dr. Derfberger.  “Hey, I lost my shirt, too.  Bought several thousand shares of that Donkey Burger stock…remember the one that claimed to be a healthier alternative to beef?  Yeah, I pushed all-in on that one.  But you know what?  I’m still here.”

Finally he was asked about the cratered level of consumer confidence, which predicts a very lean holiday season for retailers.  The good doctor replied, “Confidence, Shmodfidence.”

He summed up his presentation, sensing cynicism in the crowd of reporters, by stating that his analysis was the consensus of over 35 PhD economic professors who, while they’ve never actually been in the workforce or held anything resembling a real job, were still very smart people who sat on many Boards.  He stated some had even won Egg Head awards and a couple had deep, authority-sounding voices that sounded like the bass guy in the Oak Ridge Boys.

Stocks went up in early trading after the announcement, but took a 180-degree turn late in the afternoon to finish 2 percent down for the day.  Futures are sharply lower.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

A newly released survey conducted by the prestigious Flemm organization concluded that new laws requiring fat food restaurants to post calorie content of meal offerings may be missing their intended targets.  The survey found that 93% of all excessively fat and obnoxiously obese people don’t give a crap about the postings and certainly do not read them.

Even the moderately obese porkers overwhelmingly refuse to pay any attention to the calorie numbers.  “Hey, we know these freaking cheeseburgers and XL fries are loaded with fat, lard, and calories out the ying yang,” said one of the chubby overeaters, while munching a double bacon cheese chunkburger deluxe with extra mayo.  “If we wanted a friggin’ salad, we’d go to Salad King.  Durrrrr.”

The calorie postings remain popular with the green, organic eco-nerds, who remain committed to their continuation.  Unfortunately, this group is primarily comprised of skinny anorexic types, who truly need to burger-up a bit.  Nevertheless, lawmakers seem to listen to these stringbean weenies for some unexplained reason.  “We’re hopeful that, in time, the overweightoids will come to their senses,” one congressperson said.  “At some point, they must stop the packing and jamming, and learn some self-control.  If these postings won’t help….well, we’ll just have to move into some more drastic measures of unbridled freedom restriction.  We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Pssst…make a note to check the foundation structure of that bridge.”

Some fast food outlets have allowed gangs to go ahead and deface the calorie counter signs with graffiti and gang artwork, making them somewhat unreadable.  “It still technically complies with the law,” said one franchisee.  “Our lawyers have given us the thumbs up.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you may think are real.

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”.  Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent.  He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques.  He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way.  I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally.  But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir.  You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar.  He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.”  When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth.  But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter.  Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football.  “My money is on UNLV,” he replied.  When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too.  Next question?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.