bizarreville

After days and days of dodging questions about whether the famous Twitter photo was a depiction of him, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally issued a firm denial that it was his weiner in the shot.  “Let me just clear the record,” Weiner stated.  “My staff has completed a thorough investigation of this matter, and has proof beyond any shadow of a doubt that the protruding member is not mine, nor anyone in my close circle.”

Weiner refused to go on record with the specific evidence of proof, but inside sources say that the sizing was the critical determinant.  The source said there was a time in his life when he might have been that large, but his liberalness over past decades would have shrunk it by 30 to 40 percent.  Furthermore, his pathetic voting record on tough-minded spending cuts would have essentially drained all the testosterone from his body, which in turn, would have caused another 15 to 18% shrivelling.  Urological experts agree that there is no way such a flaming gutless liberal could generate or maintain that size.

Congressman Weiner continues to bristle at the jokes between the male member and his proud family surname, according to his chief of staff L. Richard Schwantz.  “He has been teased, ridiculed, jabbed, and made fun of since he was 7 years old,” Schwantz stated.  “He has endured the cackles, smirks, and spit-takes everytime his name is announced in public.  For a time in college, he tried to get everyone to pronounce with the German pronunciation “Veener”, but everyone just laughed and said, ‘Okay, Weiner Boy.'”

The congressman is expecting to be the butt of an additional round of Late Night talk show jokes with this new revelation and associated rumor of sizing deficiency.  The Main stream press, however, is expected to continue to go easy on him, since the vast majority of mainstream reporters have suffered from the same embarrassing shrinkage affliction.  Some reporters have allegedly gone as far as employing prosthetics in public appearances to disguise their issue, and are likely to be extremely sympathetic to the congressman in their ongoing coverage, and may even offer some campaigning advice.

In the meantime, the congressman has deep-sixed his Twitter account to prevent any copy-cat weiner shooters from hacking into his account.  He has also changed his Facebook user name from Weiner Face to New York Hosebag, supposedly a throwback to an old family name on his mother’s side.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear must be real.

More congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are now belatedly recognizing that the Debt can stand no more raising.  This realization has apparently come after these lunks and lunk staffs had been barraged with phone calls from their 4th and 5th grade Math teachers, who scolded them on their failure to understand basic arithmetic…and in particular their seemingly total obliviousness to the chapter on “Subtraction”.  The scoldings have appeared to have hit home, as many voted down the recent attempt to raise the debt ceiling.

Mrs. Marge Flumpzit, who was the elementary school teacher of Harry Reid, was an outspoken member of this band of teachers.  Flumzit, who is now 97 years old, still remembers the precocious Reid who was always throwing spitballs at the girls in class while she was trying to explain how subtraction worked…and how it was quite different from addition.  Flumpzit was able, in those days, to be able to whack Reid with a yardstick or fire a piece of chalk at his ear if he was not paying full attention.  But, she says, it did no good as Reid would resume his spitball fettish moments later.  “The bad thing,” she lamented, “was that I’d have to go clean up those disgusting, slimy balls of snotty goo after class.  Some of them would literally stick to the wall.  Yeah, I don’t think that kid retained one lousy ounce of subtraction knowledge.”

Experts in the field of Mathematics Education have explained that this phenomenon is not that uncommon, particularly among dimwits.  Jonathan Wanker, the Executive Director of the Mathnerd Institute, says that kids with lightly loaded melons often struggle with the difficult concepts of subtraction and division, frequently turning to a variety of distractions, which may include daydreaming, writing little notes to classmates, or wetting their pants, as defensive measures.

The sad thing, Wanker states, is that all too frequently these subtraction-ignoramuses tend to find careers in Politics.  Their lack of fluency with Subtraction can, and has, become a real danger to the unsuspecting public, who often have trouble understanding how a congress person or senator can really be that dumb.  The public just does not realize, according to Wanker, that some people are not wired to process this “higher level” math, no matter how much tutoring or yardstick whacking they receive.

Wanker sas that, eventually, citizens may require that politicians take a simple arithmetic test, including plenty of subtraction problems, before being allowed to register as a candidate.  The test may have subtraction problems that are 5, 6, or maybe even 9 digits long to really test the skill level and competency.  This, he says, may not screen out all the numbskulls, but it could certainly make a dent.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Welcome to Presidential Idol.  Well, we’re down to 5 contestants who YOU have selected to become the next Presidential Idol.  Let’s get right to it.  First up to sing tonight for your votes is Barack Obama…

Will grab a hold of you…yeah.

Hold it, hold it, hold on, Dog (ha, ha, ha).  Listen, now I need to make this real, you know what I mean.  I’m not totally sure what KEY you were singing in…was that key even in the musical scale?  Whoa!  Think it was in the key of “J” or something.  Got a call from the Chairman of Karaoke International and he said Stay Away, Stay far far away, brother.  Anyway, even though you can’t hold a note, and the lyrics were askew from what the writer had written…despite all that…you know what?  I kinda liked it.  Yeah.  And you have a fan base out there, pretty good-sized fan base of tone-deaf groupies, that seem to love your quirky, pitchy, gravelly, off-beat kind of singing.  They lap it up like a pack of camels after a desert safari, dude.  So, guess what?  We’re putting you through to the next round.  Congratulations!!

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the simulated TV shows.

The battle continues in Capitol Valley on what to do about The Debt.  The Debt, as most people know, is an old ramshackle building next door to the Bizarreville Capitol where all the IOU’s are kept that have stemmed from the rampant mindless government borrowings to fund its wild and crazy spending spree over many years.

In early times, the IOU’s were neatly filed in beautiful oak file cabinets, alphabetized by lender, with an army of secretaries doing the filing in crisp manila folders.  As the IOU rate accelerated, the oak cabinets became jammed full, and they had to buy some cheap metal cabinets…later ratcheting down to cardboard cabinets.  But, after a while, the incoming IOU’s were just too rapid-fire, so they went with plain old brown boxes.  Soon after, when the job of “secretary” was eliminated by Bizarreville courts as being “too demeaning to the soul…a reprehensible exploitation of women…an excuse to have glorified waitresses shlepping coffee for a bunch of lazy suits,” the organized filing simply ceased.  IOU’s were just dollied into rooms, closets, and hallways, and dumped helter skelter.  Papers were strewn everywhere.

When all the available space was packed as tight as a colon on a no-fiber diet, the Elders determined that the only solution was to raise The Debt ceiling, and add another flat of rooms.  That would free up some space in lower floors, so they said, in case anyone wanted to navigate through the mess to pay off a few of the IOU’s.  Unfortunately, though, before the next floor was even roughed-in, it began to fill with new truckloads of IOU paperwork, promissory notes being shuttled in continuously.  The Bizarreville fathers hurriedly raised the ceiling again, and started construction of another floor.  The lack of time for architectural planning or construction oversight caused a few, mostly cosmetic, issues to develop which were corrected with careful gerryrigging.

The Spenders were happy with the solution of adding more and more floors.  Sure, the building was ugly, but it was functional, and really that’s all that mattered.  The IOU’s were in a place that was mostly dry except in torrential rainstorms.  And without secretaries, there was none of the constant whining and bellyaching about crowded conditions, as there had been previously.  Curtains were purchased for the windows, drawn closed, so that no one would have to see the mess inside.

The Ceiling raising solution was one that everyone could be happy about…that is, until the Bizarreville Building Engineer finally insisted on an inspection.  In his report, he pointed out that The Debt was an unstable, overloaded fire hazard that would likely crash to the ground within 12 months.  Naturally, he was fired the next day for his delusional scare tactics, irresponsible analytics, and offensive personal hygiene.

In his aftermath, however, the debate has continued to resound about the quality of the building and structural soundness.  Legislators point out that The Debt has become a tourist attraction, especially by foreign visitors who marvel and love to take photographs of it.  “The Debt has so much more character than that silly leaning tower in Pisa,” one world traveler commented.  “No comparison.  This photo is going up in my Rec Room next to a couple Andy Warhol soup cans.”

Rumors have started that maybe Congress would stop their manic hyper-spending, negating the need to raise The Debt ceiling anymore.  “Hope not,” another shutterbug answered.  “At least not until they add one or two more floors to this wobbly piece of crap.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would like to be true.

The Bizarreville Supreme Court announced its controversial decision in a split 5-4 vote that will order the entire congress to be replaced by bobblehead dolls.  This move would include both the 435 member House and 100 member Senate, for a total of 535 bobbleheads.  The units will be ordered from Bilgewater Bobblers Inc, at a discounted price of $9.99 per doll.

The action, as most people know, was part of a sweeping program to drastically cut the costs of running the bloated government, whose spending had spiralled out of control.  It was promptly challenged in the Courts, but in writing the majority opinion, the Chief Justice wrote, “The body had become a nest of whiny, bickering, prima-donna knuckleheads whose every step had been a wrong step, whose every new law had become fubar, and whose leadership had reminded us of ElmerFudd.  The founders would have opted for this course-shift long ago…”

Bilgewater says that they can deliver a variety of doll types to meet the Court’s instructions for diversity.  They will offer some dolls that bobble up and down, some that bobble sideways, basically mimicking the affirmative nods or negative head shakes of their human counterparts in their respective parties.  They can be specified with solid blockheads or mushy marshmallow noggens.  And they will come in a range of designer colors and odors, including the newest offerings:  shocking pink onion loaf and blue bayou swamp gas.

Accountants estimate the Bobblehead Replacement Initiative (BRI) will save $50 billion per year or more, when just considering their salaries, outrageous perqs, bulging staff costs, frivolous office supply wastage, and of course, the ever-expanding itineraries of boondoggles.  More importantly, the initiatve will save hundreds of billions by squelching the spendaholism disease that has ravaged the body of people who, sadly, just can’t say “No”.   Some have likened them to Miss Ado Annie in the play ‘Oklahoma’, who sang that she just ‘Cain’t say no’ to fellers…the difference being, of course, that the citizens are on the other end of the sexual experience.

Polls of citizens suggest a concern that the new bobbleheads won’t represent them as well as humans.  A protest group of well over 12 people descended on the Courthouse after the announcement.  “You can’t be serious,” cried one protestor.  “These dolls are just going to blankly stand there like bozos in front of Town Hall meetings, pretend to listen to constituents, while just bobbling their little heads the whole time, and ultimately doing nothing worthwhile….come to think of it, I guess there’s not so much difference after all.  Scratch that.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

At a press briefing this weekend, the Administration announced the appointment of Jeffrey Staffmelt as head of the new President’s Council on Jobs.  Mr. Staffmelt will organize a special ad hoc team to evaluate the current pathetic job situation, understand its root causes, and develop a crisp Power Point presentation on path forward.  It is expected that the team will recommend additional subcommittees, sub-subcommittees, maybe even getting down to the tertiary level of sub-committees before it actually does anything tangible.

Reporters were curious to know why Mr. Staffmelt, CEO of Geritol Electric, a company which has been criticized for plant closures, massive staff reductions, and moving jobs to 3rd world countries, was considered the “best” candidate for the job.  In particular, some wondered if Mr. Staffmelt, who is affectionately known as “Julio” around the office for all the jobs he’s shipped to Mexico, has the right mindset to create jobs, rather than vaporize them.

“We think he’s the right guy,” the Administration spokesman retorted.  “He’s writing a book on Lessons Learned the Hard Way, which encapsulates the mistakes he has made that have literally shut down entire towns as their factories padlocked the gates.  He has actually visited some of those towns to see the devastation.  Someone said that he had a tear in his eye when he visited Balloogaville three weeks ago.  But another said that he thought he just got finished blowing his nose.”

The spokesman went on to say that the focus will be on jobs where our country has a distinct competitive advantage.  “…And that doesn’t mean just flipping burgers at McDonalds.  No.  There are many other opportunities out there:  Burger King, Arbys, Hardees, and…well, thousands of chicken franchises.  You know as well as I that these places need good help…you end up waiting in line 10 minutes to get a lousy chocolate shake, for crying out loud.  We’re looking to Mr. Staffmelt to establish some tough new industry standards on waiting lines as one of his first priorities.  That will get more people on payrolls, and off unemployment compensation.”

It was noted that Mr. Staffmelt has won a number of awards, and last year bought a trophy case that he placed in his vacation cottage office.  His most recent award came from Flunkmaster Magazine for having the highest differential between his personal compensation and his company’s performance, among all CEO’s.  In the article, Staffmelt credited his best friend and personal agent for developing and negotiating a complex pay scheme algorithm for him, which kept his package skyrocketing in spite of cratering results.  “Guy’s a genious,” Staffmelt was quoted.  “True genious.  I love the guy.  I’d marry him if he weren’t so ugly.”

A spokesman for Staffmelt read a statement that Jeffrey was looking forward to his new post.  The appointment was timely, especially given the rumor that he might be s#!t-canned from his current CEO position.  Geritol Electric stockholders have been vocally upset about the company’s dismal performance, losing 50% of its value over the past four years, and running a mixed bag of tangled, conglomerated operations that Business Funk magazine called “the most inefficient business model since the days of Textron.”  When one reporter referred to that article and asked who the hell Textron was, the spokesman said, “Beats me.  Never heard of them.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you think you saw before in the real world.

Administration officials were handing out celebratory cigars this past week as gasoline prices at the pump continued to rise well above $3 per gallon, and crude oil prices started getting close again to the $100 per barrel mark.

A spokesman, while doing a simulated brow-wipe of relief, had to towel off tears of joy as he read the statement, occasionally pausing in an emotional Boehner-like moment as he tried to get the words out.  “The President’s Economists were extremely concerned about the potential for spiralling hyper-deflation, which could have a crushing effect on the economy, and probably lead us into a depression.  The combination of deflation and no economic growth would be disastrous.”

He pointed out that oil/gasoline prices are key to the economy because they impact virtually all elements directly or indirectly.  “The Economic Council encourages all citizens to use more gasoline.  Everyone should consider, strongly consider, rushing out and buying some SUV’s.  Not those puny little kiddie-toy utility vehicles that look like SUV’s with osteoporosis.  No…the big momma’s with the 10.9 liter V-12 engines that have trailer towing capacity of a 12-ton house trailer.  That’s what we’re talking about.  If only 10 percent of our people bought one of those, we wouldn’t have to worry about deflation fears for 15 years.”

One reporter asked about the Administration’s position on the risk of significant INFLATION, if people just start irresponsibly sucking down more and more precious fuel, driving up oil imports, for no practical reason.  The spokesman responded, “What…are you some sort of Economic expert?   Where did you get your Business PhD from…Hamburger University?  Show me some credentials, wise ass, or shut the frigg up.  These guys on the Council have spent years, decades, thinking about this stuff.  You nitwits have been thinking about it since lunch.”

Most reporters clammed-up, folded their notepads or ipads, and started to leave.  But one reporter bellowed that he did have a doctorate from a Top 10 business school, and thought this analysis was the stupidest thing he ever heard.  The spokesman responded, “Yeah, well you’re stupid,” and exited the briefing room.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority.  They have stated that it is a program that no one wants:  businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan.  If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?

“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied.  “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed.  These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors.  They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.”  He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance.  These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.

“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter.  “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”

“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied.  “You gotta beef?  Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie.  No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders.  That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless.  After all, jobs are jobs.”

Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed.  He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction.  “Next step:  We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs.  The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more.  Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”

The Earmarks Rehab Clinic administrators have announced that the clinic is now officially open for business.  But, they warn that the reservation spots are filling quickly, so are encouraging lawmakers to register as soon as possible, before the Waiting Line begins.

As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation.  The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children.  One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend.  The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks.  In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes.  Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.

Happily, help is on the way.  The Earmark Rehab Clinic employs a 9-step program to thoroughly cleanse them of their earmark addiction.  “It starts with a physical cleansing,” the Chief Nurse explained.  “We use enemas, lots and lots of enemas, dozens each day to clear the fecal backup that is inevitably part of the problem.  We also do a nostril enema to clear that backup.  We flush all the nasty stuff out, and that seems to relieve the pressure on their noggens somehow.”

The Head physician then went on to explain the next steps, which he half-kiddingly referred to as “mental enemas”.  The clinic uses a series of mental tests, psychological counseling, ouiga boards, and hypnosis to work on the addict’s behaviors.  The hypnosis is particularly interesting, as the staff turns the patients into a squawking flock of birds, or a raging pack of donkeys.  “The donkey bit might not change their behavior much, but it’s certainly entertaining to the staff around here.  What a riot when they all start hee-hawing in harmony!”

The head of administration said that their January schedule is now full, but there are a few openings still left in February.  They explained that no lame duck lawmakers will be allowed to register until all the re-elected addicts have gotten their chances for earmark rehabilitation.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were real.

Bizarreville Health officials are seriously worried over the recent epidemic of total deafness among liberal senators.  They have called for an immediate confab of Ear, Nose, and Throat specialists nationwide to diagnose the source of the problem and develop a solution path, before the ailment spreads outside this group. 

The outbreak appears to have happened as the senators voted to pass the so-called “Tax Cut extension” bill.  The 2000 page bill, erroneously sold to the public as a tax cutting measure, actually contains 6000 spending earmarks, costing billions.  The earmarks include such lame-brainness as a peanut research program, mosquito trapping research, and a swine waste management study.  It was not clear if the “swine” referred to pigs or senators…or whether there was really any significant difference in the makeup of their waste products anyway.

A senior senator on the Appropriations committee was asked by reporters whether he had listened to the voice of citizens during the last election who demanded spending cuts and fiscal responsibility.  “Huh?” the senator responded.  He was then asked if he had heard the cries by voters to get the dang Federal budget deficit under control and eliminate the irresponsible Earmark program.  He answered, “What was that??  Are you talking to me?”  Another reporter asked whether he had any clue about how to balance any sort of freaking budget, or whether he and his colleagues were simply too inept to do basic math.  The senator replied, “I see your lips moving.  Are you a mime or something?  Man, it sure got quiet in here.”

An opposing party official was asked why this deafness ailment just seemed to affect the Liberals, and not the Conservatives.  He replied that he did not know what exactly they did in their caucuses, did not want to know, and was uncertain what nasty little bug was gnawing inside their auditory canals…or, for that matter, how the bugs got there in the first place.  He also expressed relief that he was not one of those ENT doctors who would have to mine through the earwax of those senators, nor peer into their heads full of jell-o.

Health officials noted that this ailment has happened before.  “Affected legislators normally do not have any long-term ill effects,” one official commented, “and seem to gain full recovery once they are swiftly booted out of office and go home.  Bed rest is really what they need, months of bed rest.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Make it a funny Christmas.  Buy a friend (or adversary) a copy of Tales of Obamaland to jam into his/her Christmas stocking.  Tis the season to lighten up. 

Click on one of the e-retailers on the right ->

The compromised tax deal announced by the President has infuriated a group who were thought to be his staunchest allies.  The activist group known as the King Georgers was formed soon after the Tea Party groups were formed, in direct opposition to the “teabaggers”.  Their platform is simple:  ‘More tax.  Never, never less tax.’  They believe in fiscal responsibility:  tax the piss out of people to support an ever-expanding government with everybody paying their unfair share.  Hey, life is not fair.  The King Georgers claim that there is so much work to do in terms of complete Health Care takeover, auto/steel industry nationalization, and bank/financial system totalitarianism.  And that needs to be paid for.  This recent deal of continuing the ill-advised Bush tax cuts, after promising to nuke them, is their last straw, prompting them to take to the streets.

The King Georgers staged a rally yesterday to coalesce their membership, which is mostly comprised of multi-billionaires on one hand, and people who don’t pay any taxes on the other.  There was a smattering of pseudo-intellectuals in the crowd, mostly burnt-brain college professors who were reportedly mumbling incomprehensible jibberish to themselves.  They proudly raised their flag, featuring a likeness of King George III himself, looking pissy and ready to pound some colonist butt.

“Our elected officials,” the GeorgeMaster shouted, “are continuing to let us down.  They are squandering away precious time that could be spent dreaming up new creative tax schemes, squelching slimy loopholes, and melting away frivolous deductions.  Instead they are wasting time on these incomprehensibly stupid tax cut ideas.  How do they expect to pay for the next General Motors takeover?  The next Citi Bank takeover?  The complete takeover of all media by the FCC??  We need revenue, lots of revenue to realize our bold plans for a united controlled system.”

Just then, the crowd started chanting, “Tax, tax, tax, tax.”  The echo almost made it sound like “Axe tax”, so the leader quickly hushed the crowd, lest anyone get the wrong message.

“We long for the good old days of King George III,” he continued. “A time of glory when kickbacks, bribes, and favors were the primary tools to win influence.  A time of ‘well-managed corruption’ throughout the land.  A time when vindictiveness was the answer for those who chose to be misaligned.  Where leaders would respond to Tea Party hijinx by closing the port, shutting down the city, and shooting a few rowdies if they got too confused.  We need to get back to that heavy-handedness of yore.”

Insiders on the President’s staff have unofficially responded that the King Georgers just need to show a little more patience.  “He has the same goals that you do,” he said, speaking to a gang of Georgers.  “He’s just doing a little shake & bake right now to catch the opposition off-guard.  Don’t worry, he’ll be back…then look out!  He’ll make ole King George look like Mary Poppins.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.