bizarreville

Archive for the ‘Congrass’ Category

Pounce, bounce, and punt program

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.

President opens up to Republicans, while dressing them down

The President met with Republican congresspeople last week to call them obstructionist idiots, whiney cry babies who need changed, and meatloaf lovers.  He raked them over the coals for several hours, while trying to jam down a turkey club sandwich during pauses in the action.

He then held out an olive branch of sorts and offered to have them participate in resolving the nation’s difficulties…as long as they keep their stupid ideas to themselves.  “I see you GOPs as people who can ask good, respectful questions, challenging the real leaders on our ideas,” said the President.  “You can also go get us coffee, and if you want to make a little extra money, perhaps shine our shoes.  You know, you guys can probably get 10 bucks a pair, plus tips…could haul down a helluva lot of dough…hey, I’d pay 20 skins for a first-class shoe shine myself.”

The President chided them that they better help pass Health Care, or he would sign an Executive Order cancelling Health Care for all registered Republicans in government service.  “Can he do that?” asked a junior congressman from Alabama.  “Hey if these guys can whip up shady sweetheart deals for labor unions, and connive shams for certain pesky senators without legal repercussions, I guess they can do ’bout anything,” responded a senior colleague.  The President told them that they had one week, no more, to get with the program…the cancellation order has been drafted and is sitting in his InBox.

Republican leaders reminded the President that they are in the super-minority, and were getting steamrollered by Democrats.  Previous attempts by GOP members to even suggest a change or two were met with spit takes that just got themselves and their staffers soaking wet.  “Nothing worse than getting splashed with coffee-laden drool from those germ-infested creeps…with all due respect, of course,” commented one congressman.

They also reminded him of the recent elections in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Virginia with big GOP victories, suggesting that the President’s grand plans were fizzling with people.  But the President brushed that off, placing blame on himself for not communicating his message well enough with those citizens.  “There are some places in the country where people just don’t seem to listen well,” he said.  “Call it ADD, call it multi-tasking overload, call it thick skull syndrome.  But from now on, repetition, repetition, repetition…then when we think they’ve had enough, a repetition strudel for dessert.”

There was some confusion during the session when the President said, “I’m not an idea log,” which drew various snickers and cat-calls.  For some odd reason, the audience thought he said “ideologue”, which would have certainly been an outright lie given his strong Marxist beliefs and his oft stated ultra-liberal positions that the government should run just about everything.  But later he clarified, “I just don’t keep a chronology on every idea that comes my way.  I have high-paid flunkies that do that for me…and do it quite will, I might add.”

When all was over, the President mingled with the crowd and gave big bear hugs to his adversarial colleagues.  “Hey I still love ya’,” he said with a big smile.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Unloading obsolete merchandise at F-mart

Attention all shoppers.  For the next several months, we will be having a Storewide sale like you have never seen before.  Everthing must go.  Our people are ready to deal to move this stinky old garbage…err, I mean obsolete mechandise…off the dusty shelves it’s been sitting on, and out the door.  We must make room for new stuff, and do it lickety split.

In Aisle 86, there are special close-out sales on Flakes of all types…corn flakes, potato flakes, grape nut flakes, cajun nut flakes, sugar coated snow flakes.  One word of caution…these flakes may not be what you are used to.  They are limp, soggy, noodle-like flakes that turn into a smelly mush when mixed with milk.  But we’re willing to give you a 20% discount for caseload quantities.  And remember, if you don’t like the taste, you can feed it to your dog or hamster.  Act fast, because they are sure to be whisked away in no time flat.  As you know, there are no returns on this merchandise.

In Aisle 31, we are trying hard to move out our Compost Fermenters.  These units have traditionally been big sellers among the Green, Eco-friendly nerd-type customers.  Customers can take all types of organic waste materials…yes, even the disgusting stuff… and shovel it into the unit, which will then just sit there without expending any energy whatsoever, and process the crud into a fertilizer-like product.  The odorous methane gas produced in the process can be turned into energy with a small turbine generator, available at extra cost.  While not for everybody, the turbine generator has been a popular add-on at our Beverly Hills store among clue-less customers who are awash in money.

In our Toy Department, we are overstocked with that new hit game, “Sleaze Bags”.  This is a fun game for all members of the family, where players toss wet slimy bags of goo among each other, until the bag finally busts open and sloshes yellow horse-piss all over its victim…to the uproarious laughter of all the other players.  It’s a riot.

In our Antiques Department, we are literally jammed to the gills with eclectic merchandise of all sorts.  We have dozens of antique nose hair trimmers which make for great decoration, even though they don’t actually work anymore.  We’re loaded with the old-fashioned suit hanger bags, and we’ll throw in a carton of old moth balls with every purchase.  But take a peak at some of our antique furniture that can take up space almost anywhere in your household; all pieces come with doilies so you don’t have to dust as often.

So, hurry up and help us unload this stuff before it starts wreaking worse than the wreak-fest up to this point.  Help yourself, and help your fellow shoppers purge the undesirables, so we can all have a better shopping experience in years to come.

Bipartisanship needed, please bring flowers

The Bizarreville Skunksprays football team finished once again in last place with a pitiful 0-16 record.  There will most certainly be plenty of handwringing and February quarterbacking about why their team is sub-dysfunctional and why their performance is litterbox-ready.

But after the last game of the year, Bill “Skinny” Skurff, the retired coach from Bizarreville High School, had the whole problem figured out.  “The Offensive team does NOT like the Defensive team, and vice versa,” he said.  “I mean, they really hate each other.”  The coach went on to say that their mutual dislike prevents each side from focusing on what’s important, and ultimately stymies the Skunksprays from coming together as a team to become successful.  “That, plus the players mostly suck.”

Video tapes of the seasons lowlights confirm that Skurff is right.  In one game, after an inadvertent fumble by a runningback deep in their own zone, you can see the Defense coming onto the field flipping the bird to the Offensive players.  Later, after the Offense drove 92 yards to score a touchdown, you can see the quarterback unloading the F-bomb on the Defensive line players resting on the bench.  Then later in the game, when the score was close and the game was on the line, both sides were engaged in some “kiss my ass” banter, which ultimately resulted in a crucial Delay-of-Game penalty that became their undoing.

In another game, video tapes show both sides mooning each other during a TV timeout, while the opposition team members just watched dumbfounded in amazement.  “What’s wrong with those idiots over there?” spouted the opposition quarterback, who later threw for seven touchdowns in an 81-3 win over the Sprays.

Coach Skurff said that if both sides could show more respect and truly work together to help each other, results would certainly improve.  But they first must come down off their high horses, remove boards from certain crevices, develop a little humility, and start thinking of themselves as ONE team, not two teams.  It’s called team bipartisanship… recognizing that Defense and Offense can be adversaries and see things differently…but can also find common ground.  Each side has different roles, different skills, different ideas how to win.  But acting as one team and all players executing their roles well, supported by coaches who build and bring people together could take them out of pathetic perrenial last place dwellers up to perhaps a solid “mediocre” level.  And who knows….get rid of a few no-talent scumbuckets, replace them with skilled, smart players who don’t deficate in their own pants…and it could be conceivable that the Skunksprays could break .500, maybe not likely, but possible.

It’s hard to teach an old Skunk new tricks, so miracles are not expected.  Bookies are giving short odds on another 0-16 season next year.

AARP kicks out Specter

AARP announced yesterday that they have unilaterally cancelled the membership of Arlen Specter, the fumbling senator from Pennsylvania.  The action comes as a last-straw from Specter’s latest action which they described as “profound numbskullness”.  Specter was a guest during a recent radio talk show with Congressperson Michelle Bachmann where, at one point, he scolded and whined, “I’m going to treat you like a lady.  Now ACT like one!”

AARP said they are proud to represent most all flavors of old people…geezers, cobweb collectors, geriatrics, grouch bags, mean old farts, and creaky basket cases.  But Specter went above and beyond AARP standards for even mean old farts, and violated the idiot clause in the association’s bylaws.

This latest Specter-flub was just the latest in a series of bizarre antics, starting when he drifted into total confusion about what party he belongs in and what values he believes in.  He then essentially flipped the bird at the party that had supported him without even a courtesy phone call.  Then there was his infamous Town Hall meeting where he chided his own constituents who had the audacity to want their voices heard.  Even the Democrats are keeping their distance from the guy.  “He’s a vote,” commented a party spokesperson.  “That’s about it in terms of our interest.”

But a congressional medical authority weighed in on the situation, “It’s not that unusual.  This guy has been serving in a totally dysfunctional Congress for decades.  And with his lack of core values, he has had to swing back and forth, go around and around, and incur enormous stress just trying to decide what to do every day.  Clearly, that has caused irreversible brain softening, which now appears to have shut down his ability to reason.  Rather than criticize, we should all feel sorry for him…and find him a home somewhere.”

AARP has said that it is sympathetic to his brain softening condition, but it must protect its reputation, and the reputation of its huge membership.  “If the public begins to think we’re all a bunch of Specteroids, our organization will cease to be taken seriously and lose the political punch we’ve garnered over decades of work.”  The association is assessing the rest of its 80-plus agers to determine if there are other Specteroids out there that will need to be purged or rehabilitated.

AARP has said they will return a prorated portion of his dues.  And as a further act of compassion, they will send Specter a packet of brochures where he can get some psychological help at a 20% discount.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Democrats having melt-down after Massachusetts election

Security agents have the Capitol locked down as they put together the pieces to better understand the disastrous incident early this morning.  All are shocked and puzzled in disbelief as they look for mops to clean up the mess.

It all started when Nancy Pelosi, the spaced-out Speaker of the House of Ill Repute, was given word of Scott Brown’s stunning victory in Massachusetts.  Sensing the world as she knew it coming to an end, she started flipping out, foaming at the mouth, and acting like a total imbecile.  Normally that would not have been considered too unusual for her.  But then she started to faint, with her eyes rolling back into her head.  A top aide instinctively, without thought, reached for a bucket of water and doused her from head to toe.

Pelosi started fizzing and fizzling, becoming enveloped in a turquoise fog, then started literally melting away right on the spot.  Within one minute, she totally dissolved into a puddle of green goo on the floor.  All that was left was her ever-present broom and pointy black hat drenched in 2 quarts of green slop.  Bystanders just stood by with jaws dropped.  Her final gurgled comments were, “Et tu, my little pretty?”

Democratic congresspeople have been desperately trying to figure out how to reconstitute her.  Some are reading and re-reading all the novels of L. Frank Baum to see if there are any hidden deliquifying instructions embedded somewhere.  But others are just standing around like a box of rocks trying to figure out what to do next…directionless.

Meanwhile, the EPA called in its Hazardous Material Unit to quarantine the area with red danger tape and don moon suits.  The EPA inspector indicated that it was likely Congress would be issued a Notice of Violation and sizeable fines for an unpermitted hazardous spill…an outcome of the Administration’s orders to toughen enforcement.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Obama on hands and knees on this one

The President made a special trip last weekend to Massachusetts trying to pull all stops in order to avoid losing the critical Ted Kennedy seat in the special election today.  But his personal charm and charisma may not be enough, as Independent voters, exhausted from vomitting over the Reid/Pelosi commode, are switching allegiances by the droves, according to recent polls.

Many liberal pundits have lamented that losing the Kennedy seat will fly in the face of everything Senator Kennedy stood for…collosal bureaucracy, government control over all life functions, and irresponsible spending like drunken sailors out for a joy ride…right at the cusp of having all those dreams really coming true.  They have urged the President to do something, anything.

So the President has been busy trying to find new payola buckets that can be rolled out to the Massachusetts citizens quickly.  “It’s got to be more pragmatic than the Louisiana or Nebraska payoffs,” said an unnamed insider.  “It must be fast cash in the pockets, no fuss, no muss.” 

Insiders say the President, who just met with major bankers last week to shake them down for paying employees enormous bonuses, may have secretly launched a landmark deal.  In the deal, registered Independent voters will be emailed a special password today that will allow them to go to any Massachusetts ATM and withdraw up to $1000 free cash…today before 7pm only.   The four largest banks will foot the bill as a penance for just too much bonus greed, accounting tom-foolery, and general poor eating habits and farting at the table.

Sources say that the Independent Free Cash program will clearly demonstrate to voters that they, the Democrats, are the party of freebies, benny’s, and other good stuff on silver platters.  Privately, they acknowledge that many Independents will eventually understand the fallacy in all this.  But they are banking on the 1-day euphoria factor to get through the special election before they think it all the way through.  The nice new 46-inch flat screen TV on their credenza might help with their internal struggles, as well.

A Republican party spokesman was asked to comment on the proposed Free Cash program, and just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots.”  A bank CEO who had been listening-in said, “I’ll second that.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Massachusetts senate seat race prompts ‘pants’ strategy

A special election is being held Tuesday in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat.  Conventional thinking had been that this would be a slam-dunk win for Martha Coakley, the Democrat, who would take over for the temporary appointee Democrat Paul Kirk.  But with recent public outcry regarding the socialist agenda being rammed-through in Washington, the Republican challenger Scott Brown has closed the gap, particularly among the Common Sense fringe element in Massachusetts.

The Dems had been panicking, but in their desperation, they believe they have devised a foolproof plan to keep the seat.  To show that they are in tune with the public and even a bit hip, the campaign committee announced that they have changed their campaign theme song to “Pants on the Ground”.  The song, written by General Larry Platt and introduced to the world during the American Idol show last week, is almost certain to go platinum and win Grammies.  Dem strategists want to catch this wave early and use it to their immediate advantage.

The campaign musicologist tweaked some of the lyrics suggesting Republican Brown walks around with his pants on the ground, wears his hat sideways, and flashes his gold teeth.  Most voters know that none of it is true.  But the campaign is hoping for some sort of subliminal connection when the wavering voter is in the booth scratching his ass.

Dems plan to rent hundreds of large horn speakers that mount on top of cars, and will play their new theme continuously around towns and especially near polling places.  They have also asked all campaign workers to dress up in a Pants On The Ground costume theme on Election day, including inserting some fake gold teeth to complete the effect.

The Democratic campaign believes this will be enough to hold onto a thin victory on Tuesday, and avoid losing their fillibuster-proof majority that would undo Obamacare, for sure.

A Republican campaign spokesman was asked to comment, but he just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots…”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Our New 51st state: Confusion

Congress just announced passage of a major new bill, creating a new 51st state which will be called the state of Confusion.  The name has Latin roots in meaning “a group pour”, which is very much how the new state will come into being.  Congress had originally wanted to persuade one of the existing states to donate land for this new state, but none would pop for it.  So they plan to construct the new state by filling in a small piece of the Atlantic Ocean with landfill garbage, wastewater treatment sludge, junk mail, plus all the returnable beer and soft drink containers from Michigan and other ‘enlightened’ states.  “It will be like Atlantis’ outhouse,” one senator said.

Congress announced that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be co-presidents of Confusion, a departure from the convention of having the state’s chief executive being titled governor.  But it emphasizes how important Confusion will be in the new world order.  Both Harry and Nancy will have equal power to issue executive orders and statewide misdirection.  They will also have the power to collect tax  from any/all inhabitants, even the rodents, pigeons, and dodo birds.

Surprisingly, these Confusion appointees received overwhelming bi-partisan support.  Democrats pointed out that both leaders deserve this promotion opportunity as a reward for their brave, high-performing leadership in the past 12 months.  Republicans were enthusiastic about putting these two on a mound of  s#*!t  off our shores, in which they would be hard-pressed to find a way to turn it into a worse pile of  s#*!t.

The announcement did not indicate how to handle the difficulty of adding a 51st star to the flag, but sources say they will just put a small asterisk on one of the white stripes and call it even.

Truckloads and bargeloads of crap are already being diverted from city dumps and hazardous landfills around the country to the new Confusion-in-the-making.  Congress authorized $1 trillion for constructing the new state, but some fear it might overrun the budget.  Insiders say, “It doesn’t really matter.  After all what’s another trill or so when it comes to something this big?  A hundred years from now, who will know the difference when they’re enjoying the slip-n-slide rides at Confusion Disneyland?”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Judge requires political parties to change their names

A federal judge issued an order yesterday requiring both national political parties to change their names, as a matter of what he called “truth in advertising”.  The Democrats will be required to change their name to the Spendocrats, and the Republicans will be forced to change to the ReSpendicans prior to their 2010 political campaigns.  This was in response to a class-action lawsuit charging that both parties have been total imbeciles when it comes to spending discipline, with no apparent plans to rein it in…and seem oblivious to the problem as they dance through their field of daisies on Capitol hill.

Needless to say, both parties were outraged and have responded that there is no way in hell a judge has authority to make such an order.  Furthermore, they have both said that they are not spendaholics as some have charged, nor do they take hard drugs that would cause them to hallucinate that they are actually balancing annual budgets.  The Spendocrats and ReSpendicans have both stated unequivocally that it is 100% the fault of their predecessors who put them in this hole, and claim that it is only through enormously hard work and dedication that the fiscal situation isn’t in a bigger hole than it is now. 

The judge countered with an expletive, then cautioned that if they fail to comply, the parties will be in contempt of court and will suffer appropriate consequences, which may include selective disqualification from November contests.  He recommended making the change quickly, so that new logos can be designed and new flyers, brochures, posters, and other nonsensical paraphenalia can be printed prior to the primary races.  The judge even doodled some possible logo ideas with old-fashioned cash register themes during closing arguments of the case to keep from falling asleep… which he gave to party leaders, gratis.  “Emphasize your strength, boys,” he commented cynically just before he left the courtroom.

The judge had further ordered that all party leaders would have to either (a) resign, or (b) attend remedial arithmetic classes at nearby Shmeldmore Elementary School, under the tutelage of mean Miss Funkenheimer.  The 68-year old codgery math teacher has successfully taught over 1000 students in her career, some of whom were even dumber than these guys.  “She can teach total bozos how to do basic math, but may need to bust a lot of knuckles in the process,” the judge said.

Harry Reid – quacking his way to a new job

When it was revealed that Harry Reid had uttered a racially-insensitive comment about then Candidate Obama during the 2008 campaign, he quickly got an audience with Obama to offer an apology.  The shrill/quacky apology was taped and broadcast nationwide…and, as it turned out, the audio was picked up by the executives of the Aflac insurance company.  Aflac had been looking for someone or something to replace their aging duck mascot, and associated worn-out advertising theme which had run its course into the ground.  But they wanted a transitional approach to avoid pissing-off their duck-lover customer base, which surprisingly makes up a large percentage of total sales.

The think they found their man.  Harry’s quack-barking apology excited the Aflac leaderships team, “He looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and…well, performs like a genuine quack to boot.  What more could you ask for in a duck surrogate?”

Aflac, which supplies supplemental employee benefit insurance to various companies, sees another benefit of courting Harry…possibly getting the inside track on some of the new Health Care provisions.  Aflac admitted that they had been nervous about their future in the upcoming Obamacare world.  But they think if they suck-up to ole Harry, he might make Aflac supplemental coverage part of their freebie package to everyone.

Aflac hopes they can ink the deal within the next couple weeks, before other firms discover his amazing quacking talent.  He was asked to quack “Aflac” a few times over the phone during the recent phone interview, and performed flawlessly.  “I thought I was talking to a real duck, honestly,” commented Aflac’s executive duck recruiter.  “He may be a jerkbag senator, but, my, what a duck talent!”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Senate trans-voters get special perqs

Taking a page out of the Al Qaeda playbook, Democratic leaders were able to successfully convince several senators to suicide bomb their careers by voting Yes on the Health Care bill.  These were senators whose home state constituents were overwhelmingly opposed to the bill, and who initially indicated that they would vote against it.  But, by using proven Al Qaeda-type brainwashing techniques learned during interrogations at Gitmo, the Dem leadership persuaded them convert to their way of thinking, and got them to agree to be thrown under the bus, careerwise.

But it did not come without cost.  Each trans-voter was promised 19 virgins who will be at their beck and call in their senate afterlife.  At the senator’s choice, they can be male, female, or a mix of both.  The virgins will be commissioned to satisfy any of the senators’ wild fantasies, some of which are expected to be quite bizarre.   Requisions for pudding-like food substances, pogo sticks, cases of lard, and air horns are among the items that have surfaced thus far in the negotiating process.

Some other senators have raised objections to the virgin handouts scheme.  They have cited that they have been dependable/reliable voters, toeing the party line, but are not being given these kind of perqs.  In fact, they say they get very little supplemental recognition, complaining that leaders are taking them for granted, and their votes for granted, just because they have no independent thought.  Dem leaders have responded that there is no truth to the charge, and assures them that there will be ‘severe repercussions’ if they ever get out of line.  “I think that proves we don’t take them for granted.”

Leaders are, however, considering throwing a bone to the steady-eddie senators.  “Maybe we’ll give them each a virgin or two to shut ’em up.”

Meanwhile, the soon-to-be-ex-senators are starting to announce resignation plans before the 2010 election process commences.  Their new lame duck status will allow them to totally disengage from senate activities, be able to spend time designing and building their new virgin playrooms, and most importantly, load up on ED meds.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.