Posts Tagged ‘pelosi’
June 13th, 2010 Posted 1:53 am
Nancy Pelosi…come on down!! You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright. Whooop, whooop, whooop. Okay contestants, here we go. Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?
Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!! These are not just any jobs. They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever. From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy. Nancy?
I’ll bid $100 billion.
Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker. Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery. Harry?
Yeah, that’s way too high for jobs that are basically make-work jobs. Come on, give me a break. I’ll say $78 billion.
Okay, now we’re getting serious. Joe….you’re next…
I’ll bid one dollar.
One dollar for 100 jobs?? Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind. Okay, one dollar. Barack?
It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price. It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy. These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning. And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs? You can’t ….
Barack, Barack….please, man. Just shut up. Shut your cake hole, and give me a freaking bid already.
$62 billion. There….you happy now? You dirty, good-for-nothing mother mrrrrr, mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, mrrrrr….
Thank you. Retail price….$62 billion!! Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot. How did you ever do that?
It’s easy, Bob. He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers. He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal. If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion. Are you that naive?
Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw. Am I right? A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy? Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?
No, Bob. I don’t care if he always wins. I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity. We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will. Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job. No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.
(Buzzzzzz). I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today. But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements. Until then, good night friends.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even game shows
March 18th, 2010 Posted 12:43 am
“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it,” Nancy Pelosi said recently in describing her intended path forward on the Obamacare bill. Naturally, sound bites can be taken out of context and misinterpreted, so Bizarreville brings you the full speech made by Ms. Pelosi to better understand this odd-ball quote.
“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it. Truly no one knows what’s in the bill because it keeps changing minute by minute, as we layer skanky deals, sleazy kickbacks, and other unconscionable wizardry to get reluctant lawmakers to get with the friggin program. Honestly, no one up here knows what’s in this bill or any other bill for that matter. It just takes too long to read the darn things. To tell you the truth, I haven’t read a single bill since I got this gig. Most of them are so full of legal garblety gook that I start dozing off after page one…yawn…I get sleepy even talking about it. Got any No Doze? Besides, I have high-paid flunkies to read this crap. If there’s something I need to know, they’ll tell me.
“But the real point is: it does not matter what’s in this particular bill. Content is irrelevant. It’s about taking over the Health care program….duhhh. It’s a cornerstone in our revolution to get rid of the greedy private insurance companies that are making outrageous 3-percent profit margins, and get everyone and their uncle on the government dole… with the program controlled by smart people in high offices, rather than the whims of the so-called market. Haven’t you all figured that out yet? We’re going to be introducing the 100% Public program soon….oops, I mean public option….I keep forgetting it’s an ‘option’ (ha, ha). We’ll turn Blue Cross into Blue Sauce by this time next year.
“But the real question is how to get this thing passed. I’m not exactly sure how we’re going to pass the bill, but we will pass it one way or the other. We may vote on it if we have the votes. Or we may skip the voting process and just ‘deem’ it passed. I like the deem approach personally. Think I might deem myself a trip to Bermuda, or deem myeself a new 5-karat diamond ring…maybe deem myself a raise to pay for it all. Yeah, deeming…glad we thought of it. Deem a few Republicans to go jump off a bridge with a couple cases of tea bags in their arms.
“But listen, here’s the deal. We’ll pass the Obamacare bill…incidently why haven’t you guys called it Pelosi-Care….I think I deserve at least partial credit for it all. Then we’ll eventually figure out how it will work, and pass whatever bills we need to get it done. That’s it…simple. For the life of me, I don’t understand why everyone wants to make this thing so complicated.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
March 13th, 2010 Posted 2:46 pm
At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House. Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need. One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker. Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer. Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way. Pretty sweet…”
Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd. Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson. Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary. They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.
But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts. Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection. They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement. These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.
Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington. Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.
February 20th, 2010 Posted 11:48 pm
Nancy Pelosi yesterday ordered all of her liberal colleagues to immediately pick up a copy of the new book, “Karl Marx Unleashed”. She said that it is high time we stop pissing around, nibbling away at important issues like auto industry nationalization, health care for the proletariate, and jail time for all capitalists. “It is time for decisive, revolutionary-type action…that’s why the public elected us, and that’s what we are obliged to deliver…and deliver now before all the whackos on the Right have a chance to hose us down and extinguish the liberal flame within us.”
The new book, authored by Elmwood Skank, a professor of Political Science Mythology at Dweeb College, puts a brand new spin on old Karl’s 19th Century ideas. He points out that Marx was like an Industrial Age Nostradamus, predicting that the working class would get pissed at CEO salaries and bonuses, that capitalism would cause major boom/bust cycles that would devastate so many speculators, and that the New Orleans Saints would eventually win the Super Bowl. Of course that last prediction requires the reader to take a few interpretive symbolic leaps to make the connection.
But his communist fundamentals, according to Skank, ring true today…including the concept of sharing the wealth, helping the lazy, replacing competition with kumbaya, and disincentivizing initiative that, oh so often, leads to greed. He invokes the famous Rodney King quote, “why can’t we just get along” to describe the societal problem with police brutalizing people just because they break a few laws here and there, threaten a few people, and terrorize the occasional neighborhood…or a dictator in Iran who just wants to be loved by the world communicty. Karl Unleashed would get them all together and smoke a peace pipe…4 or 5 puffs and they would all get along just fine, thank you.
Nancy has become so inspired that she has gone to the library and picked up writings from Lenin, Engels, Trotsky, Mao, and Castro to really bone up on Marxist thought, and help her turn it into Action. She has instructed her colleagues to develop a “Contract with Karl” set of 10 fresh new legislative bills to get this revolution into gear…high gear. She has tried to not be too prescriptive, but hinted she would like to see things like food rationing, apartment-size equalization, and more public transportation to replace individual cars.
A Republican spokesman was asked to comment, but just shook his head and said “Wow”.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.
January 21st, 2010 Posted 2:09 pm
Security agents have the Capitol locked down as they put together the pieces to better understand the disastrous incident early this morning. All are shocked and puzzled in disbelief as they look for mops to clean up the mess.
It all started when Nancy Pelosi, the spaced-out Speaker of the House of Ill Repute, was given word of Scott Brown’s stunning victory in Massachusetts. Sensing the world as she knew it coming to an end, she started flipping out, foaming at the mouth, and acting like a total imbecile. Normally that would not have been considered too unusual for her. But then she started to faint, with her eyes rolling back into her head. A top aide instinctively, without thought, reached for a bucket of water and doused her from head to toe.
Pelosi started fizzing and fizzling, becoming enveloped in a turquoise fog, then started literally melting away right on the spot. Within one minute, she totally dissolved into a puddle of green goo on the floor. All that was left was her ever-present broom and pointy black hat drenched in 2 quarts of green slop. Bystanders just stood by with jaws dropped. Her final gurgled comments were, “Et tu, my little pretty?”
Democratic congresspeople have been desperately trying to figure out how to reconstitute her. Some are reading and re-reading all the novels of L. Frank Baum to see if there are any hidden deliquifying instructions embedded somewhere. But others are just standing around like a box of rocks trying to figure out what to do next…directionless.
Meanwhile, the EPA called in its Hazardous Material Unit to quarantine the area with red danger tape and don moon suits. The EPA inspector indicated that it was likely Congress would be issued a Notice of Violation and sizeable fines for an unpermitted hazardous spill…an outcome of the Administration’s orders to toughen enforcement.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.