bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘banks’

Pounce, bounce, and punt program

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February 2nd, 2010 Posted 1:52 pm

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”checkbook

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.

If we can’t nationalize health care, how about banks?

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January 24th, 2010 Posted 4:43 pm

Reeling from the Massachusetts upset loss, the Libs and Obama administration coalition forces have been meeting almost continuously.  Realizing that their Master Plan to nationalize the country’s Health Care system may go up in smoke, they have been frantically looking for alternatives.  Insiders say that the goal is still to nationalize at least 16% of the US economy, equivalent to Health Care…so Lib leaders have charged underlings to get out and find a new 16%…fast.banks

Obama officials are initially focusing on Banks, a huge element in the economy, and ripe for nationalizing.  The big banks have helped the President’s case  by paying billions of dollars in bonuses and other perqs to the incompetent boobs that nearly bankrupted their companies…resulting in a public outcry.  The administration has also done a remarkable job blaming bank freewheeling capitalist lending policies & ignoring accounting rules that triggered the 2008-09 economic collapse, which the gullible public has accepted as fact.  Both sides of the aisle in Congress don’t like bankers anyway, so there might not be much resistance to nationalization.

The first step could be passage of some new tough financial rules, affectionately known as Rules of Obnoxion.  The focus will be Punishment…punishment for making too much money, punishment for paying too many bonuses, punishment for executive desks too big, punishment for customer lunches too extravagant.  There will be punishment for lending certain people money who can’t repay, and punishment for NOT lending certain other people money who also can’t repay.  The new Bonus/Perq czar will work closely with the Lending Preference czar to ratchet up the pressure on the so-called fat cats.  By the time it’s all over, they’ll be overjoyed to become nationalized.

But just nationalizing banks will not be enough to achieve the goal, and sources say that anyone and everyone is fair game in the Nationalization Lottery.  One name that has popped up has been McDonalds Corporation.  Investigations have shown that McDonalds has been selling 3 sizes of fries with different size packets.  But it turns out that some restaurants put the same amount of fries in each one, regardless of packet size.  When this became public, outraged customers just said, “Nationalize those sons of a bitch!”  The company, scrambling, is considering Free Fries Fridays to prevent a stampede, and begin to repair its french fry reputation.

Opponents to Mac being nationalized point out that this would change the burger wars’ competitive landscape.  “This new “Feddie Mac” subsidized by taxpayers could cut prices on Big Macs, or start handing out free Apple Pies with every order,” a burger industry expert said.  “Burger King would have to find cheaper, lower-quality meat to stay competitive…citizens, chain your dogs.” 

It is possible that the administration might just have to nationalize the whole burger industry, maybe throw in the chicken restaurant industry, too.  Stay tuned.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Early bail-out payback plan forces bank employees to actually have to work

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December 7th, 2009 Posted 2:13 pm

Executives with Bank of Bizarreville (BoB) announced Friday that they will be paying off their $40 billion government Bail-out loan early, probably within the next 2 months.  This news shocked the Bizarreville financial community so much that many accountants had to remove their green eyeshades to wipe their brow. bizarre127

BoB is hitting this hard, not messing around.  Some of BoB bank managers, in fact, had to work past their normal 3pm quitting time, in some cases cancelling tee-off times, and in one highly unusual case, showing up late for the family dinner.  “We’re in extreme times and that calls for extreme actions,” stated one Bank VP.  “Our entire team is pulling together, shortening lunch breaks to 1 hour, cutting morning and afternoon coffee breaks down to 15 minutes, and putting a time clock at the restroom doors.”  The VP had a tear in his eye as he spoke of the pride he had in his guys, and said he would probably double the bonuses that the managers received last year to show the company’s appreciation.

The Bank is not out of the woods yet.  They will issue a new stock offering to allow the debt repayment within the next 5 weeks.  Current shareholders are up in arms, since this action would cause major dilution and likely drop the share price 50 percent.  “What are they bellyaching about,” asked a Bank VP.  “The stock was selling 80% lower than current price six months ago.  They’ll still be up over 30 percentage points.  C’mon now.  I guess they’re just a bunch of greedy bastards.”

Dubai World meltdown needs new ideas

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November 30th, 2009 Posted 2:25 pm

The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down.  And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities.  But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place.  Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up.  Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.bizarre96

But Elmo Mohammed has an idea.  He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park?  An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world?  Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?

“It would be more than just rides.  It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island.  It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.

“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls.  The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it.  May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.

“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp.  Guests could join right in:  Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals.  Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra?  Wow.”

The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical.  Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time.  Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.

Bank Execs, out of drug rehab, ready to restore public confidence

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October 19th, 2009 Posted 3:53 pm

Bizi Bank has been on hard times.  Of course, it all started when they made all those bad loans…millions and millions in stupid, numbskull loans approved by the Loan Board that, sadly, had that bout with marijuana addictions… what were they calling it?  Refer-pprovals, no waiting…how much do you need?  Have any nacho chips with you?

But the Board has been through rehab now and been thoroughly cleansed with hypnosis therapy, yoga, and fleet enemas.  They have been analyzed and evaluated by true loan specialists from the mob, who have given them a clean bill of health.  And they have taken a pledge to tighten back their anuses to pre-crisis level.

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The fact remains that Bizi was given a $3 gazillion government bailout, footed by taxpayers, some of whom were not too happy about bailing out these dope heads.  They were especially angry when Bizi handed out honkin’ bonus checks to their fellow smoker-tokers, in a moment of ”brilliant” political astuteness.  Articles in the newspaper were cruel calling Bizi leadership “Blagojevichian” in its wisdom…ouch.  Bizi fired back with an OpEd saying that the newspaper had one use, you could wipe with it…and even at that, there were a whole hell of a lot of better/softer wiping options.  Touche.

Meanwhile…citizens, already pretty unhappy with Bizi, were even more turned-off by this banter and started pulling their savings out.  Bizi had to move fast, but they knew what they had to do:  Toasters…toasters, and lots of them.  They offered a free toaster to each account who did not pull money out.  Luckily, they had still had some unspent Bailout funds remaining to be able to quickly buy a few truckloads of toasters.  Filled their whole vault with toasters where once there was cash.

It’s early to tell, but Bizi says toasters are moving fast.  Some customers have complained that the toasters are just the 2-slice kind with narrow slots that don’t do bagels…but they grab them anyway.  “We’ll give them as Christmas presents.”