bizarreville

Posts Tagged ‘satire’

Animal rights advocates go after NFL mascots

The hubbub about the NFL Washington Redskins name and mascot has recently gotten the attention of the Citizens Against Animal Cruelty Society (CAACS).  That organization has pointed out that half the teams in the NFL have animal mascot names, all of which are offensive to animal lovers throughout the land.  Bird watchers, in particular, have been vocal about the NFL’s disregard for their tender feelings, insisting that name changes be immediately implemented, or face nationwide protests.  Lovers of falcons, ravens, cardinals, seahawks, and eagles have all jumped on the band wagon, uniting with the cat family protestors and fish lovers, demanding fast action from the NFL.

The CAACS gas gone so far as to suggest alternate, more inert names that not only eliminate the unacceptable stigma of animal association, but are more representative of the unique cultures of the individual cities.  They have proposed a list of alternate team names, including the Chicago Deep Dishes, the Detroit Spare Tires, the Miami Suntan Lotions, the Atlanta Traffic Snarl, the Cincinnati Soap-on-Ropers, the Indianapolis Pits, the Carolina Moonshiners, the Denver Stoners, the Seattle Umbrellas, and the Phoenix Parch.

The initial reaction of the affected teams has been somewhat negative so far.  They insist that there have been no complaints from the affected animals, and until they hear complaints from the creatures themselves, they have no plans to make any changes.  The CAACS has countered that they have found a person who understands and can translate dolphin language, and will use him as a star witness in the lawsuit, which will inevitably arise in the near future.  The society is also on the lookout for bird translators.

The Eagles organization responded that their team name was more an analogy to U.S. currency, as opposed to the bird itself…saying that the name was derived from the fact that their is a US mint in the city of Philadelphia.  The CAACS responded, “Fine, then call your team the Philadelphia Two-bits.”

The NFL organization itself has declined comment, adopting a wait and see approach to see how the issue pans out before jumping into the fray.  One reporter asked if they should adopt a chicken as the league mascot, but the spokesman said that would just get them in deeper hot water with the CAACS Bird Division.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction and not related to reality, at least not yet.

Fat People on Airlines

Northfunk Airlines announced yesterday, amid growing numbers of complaints from customers who are forced to sit next to obnoxiously fat people on flights, a new policy to deal with the obese.  The Northfunk airplanes have been internally modified to make the back two rows of seats extra wide for the 300-pounders who fly.  These seats, called the Fat Boy Specials, will be required seating for the enormous bulk set. defined as any passenger weighing more than 300 pounds.  A $75 surcharge will be assessed for these thick passengers occupying Fat Boy Specials.  Normal weight people will also be able to spend the $75 on the seats after all the chunksters have been seated, depending on availability.

The airline said that previous attempts to deal with fat people on a voluntary basis were unsuccessful.  The airline had asked obese riders to purchase two seats in the past, but none complied.  Fat passengers just bought a single seat, and let gravity take over.  The barrage of complaints from customers who were getting squished by rolls of sweaty fat spilling over their armrests, made the company decide to finally take action.  Weigh scales will be placed at the entry doors in their terminals.

The AFA immediately threatened to file a lawsuit, citing discrimination against the minority group of “hungry overeaters”, just because of their slow metabolism medical conditions.  A Northfunk spokesman said that they still want fat people to ride their planes, unless total weight limits are exceeded, or jetways are unable to support the weight.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…so far as we know.

The Institute of Study Studies

The Institute of Study Studies (ISS) just published a new study this week revealing that, on an overall basis, all study conclusions…no matter if seemingly profound, no matter if done by the bluest of blue chip panels…cannot be considered valid.  They say that most studies are so full of bogus science, skewed and skewered data, illogical quasi-analysis, and statistical insignificance that no one can validate the true truth from ordinary bilge water.  Most conclusions have no real basis in fact.  More often than not they are manipulated and slanted to reflect what the payer of the study wanted to hear, with high hopes of getting re-funded to continue the work.

A spokesman for the ISS said that the studies stating that something is bad for you have a 33% chance of being correct, a 33% chance of having no impact one way or the other, and a 33% chance of it actually being good for you.  He pointed to the wave of lawsuits challenging nearly every prescription medicine ever sold, the ongoing debate about the health effects of eating eggs, the global warming debate, and the latest controversial study concluding that supplementing your dinner meal with a small side of dog chow helps digestion…as evidence of the range of uncertainty and confusion in the world of studies.

The ISS study has angered various think tank members, and egghead forums across the nation.  One outspoken multi-PhD member of the High IQ Bowling Society commented that if the ISS conclusion is true, then their own study of studies must also be considered invalid…so there.  The ISS responded that this guy needs to seriously get a life.

Others who spend their whole lives just thinking about stuff were similarly outraged when the ISS proposed that all study work be stopped, and that study wheel-spinners go find real jobs.  “The macroeconomic tightrope of such a broad reaching runway is arbitrary, mal-feasible, and potentially could channel benign resurgence,” one egghead complained.

“Case in point,” the ISS spokesman replied.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least for now.

Thugster card reward points program

Introducing the new Thugster Card, a card designed especially for that small portion of the population who normally has been systematically excluded from any/all perky Rewards programs…the common thug.  Now you, yes you, can utilize your own unique talents/skills to earn exciting prizes and trips to your favorite destinations.

Each time you go into that biker bar and beat up a few weenies, you earn points that will be tabulated by the bar-keep hiding beneath the bar.  Break a few chairs or mirrors:  bonus points.  Pop some smart alec with a pool cue-stick:  earn gold star points, as well as the admiration of your fellow Thugster reward friends.

But there’s more, much more.  Even simple thuggery like shoving an old lady into a mud puddle gets you points, if witnessed by another Thugster card member.  Sticking out your tongue at a little baby and scaring him half to death has been another popular point-grabber.  Almost any kind of cheating will help you quickly rack up bonus points as you strive for Platinum card status.  And when you get there, point awards all double.  Imagine that!

Just present your card to the Warden after your sentence, and he will provide you with a pamphlet of thrill-packed choices…ranging from paisley or pastel-colored jumpsuits to Chain gang adventures where you can pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke and get the piss actually knocked out of you…!  How’s that for a reality experience?  You may even get 30 days in the hole, if they still have holes where you’ll be staying.

And when you’re parolled, the Warden will hand your Thugster card back so that you can get back on the street and start amassing new points:  harrassing homeless peole, urinating in public, or shouting obscenities at a cop.  The fun never stops.

Sign up now.  And remember there’s no annual fee.  Actually there was an annual fee, but our President stole it…gave him 300 points for that one…what a riot!  Act now.

Protecting the unobstructed view of Bizarreville

Last week, Limburger Waste Company announced plans to build a Mt. Trashmore type landfill at the old Skunksville Farms property.  Some citizens have complained that, if they do this, it will totally block the view of the famous “Bizarreville” sign, a beloved tourist attraction for visitors.  Leaders of the Tourism Bureau say that there is not much else to see or do in Bizarreville, so the sign “…is one of the few things we’ve got.  Plus, the landfill would stink.”

An ad hoc committee has formed to try and block the issuance of the land use permit that Limburger is trying to obtain.  The group is trying to attract rich millionaire movie star types to aid in their efforts.  They say that this is just the type of wheel-spinning goof-ball cause that would appeal to these prima donnas in between their red carpet doink-oramas. 

But they may ask the hoidy toidy set to also chip in some cash.  The committee would like to be able to buy the Skunksville land and turn it into a park.  A couple of the members even took the initiative to go buy a swingset, plop it down at Skunksville, and have their kids play on it as a pre-emptive photo op.  Unfortunately, they stuck the swingset on the side of a steep hill, and 2 of the kids flew off, tumbled down the hill, and whacked their heads pretty hard while the cameras were rolling.

Meanwhile, Limburger has stated that they will make beauty enhancements to the Mt. Trashmore after it fills up…grassy lands, trees, the whole bit.  In fact, they offered to relocate/transplant the Bizarreville sign to their new landfill mountain, squeezed right in between the methane recovery spigots…even add black-light spotlights so tourists can see the Bizarreville sign at night.

The Committee has not been convinced, and has pointed out that the seepage from the landfill would probably discolor the Bizarreville sign blocks, and ultimately dissolve them altogether.  They want to stop Limburger, and plan to fight to the bitter end.

Limburger has taken a practical approach to the matter.  They say that they might have to consider relocating the landfill to an alternative piece of property… right behind the Ad Hoc Committee chairman’s home, if this “bitter end” deal doesn’t work out.

Golden parachutes on steroids

General Electric today announced that it had applied for Obama government bailout funding, citing extraordinary unexpected financial difficulties.  Sources say that their difficulties all stem from its NBC division having to pay Conan O’Brien and his staff $45 million to not show up to work.  It had been rumored that NBC might easily qualify for bailout funding, stimulus funding, or some kind of earmark funding which could come out of a special bucket for companies adept at sucking-up to the Administration.

But the Obama bailout czar suggested that the well is dry, and that GE should just put O’Brien to work mopping office floors, cleaning toilets, and restocking shelves at 11:35 pm every night.  “Put a couple cameras on him, and just call it the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.”  He proposed that they keep his staff busy dusting furniture, emptying garbage, spraying pest control, and washing windows all night…cancel the cleaning crew. 

It is possible that the O’Brien camp might consider that option, considering the difficulty he may find trying to land another show with another network.  Television experts say that there is already a plethora of pathetic unfunny nitwits in the Telesphere, hardly room for one more… let alone a guy who just got fired from a job in 7 months, from a show whose average tenure of predecessors was 25 years.  “He could always change his shtick to drama: maybe Conan MD, Hairmeister NYPD, or Desperate Talk Show hosts.

The GE spokesman said he was disappointed in being turned down for bailout money, and that the company would need to seek alternate financial help.  He remarked that the Conan payoff was just a small piece of their difficulties.  “About 50 NBC executives will need to get the boot after this fiasco, with untold golden parachute costs.  Then there are the rehiring costs of a whole new team of execu-bozos who will need to doll up their offices, stock up their mini-refrigerators, and load up on gold-plated staplers and business card holders.  Yeah, it’s more than just Conan.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Democrats having melt-down after Massachusetts election

Security agents have the Capitol locked down as they put together the pieces to better understand the disastrous incident early this morning.  All are shocked and puzzled in disbelief as they look for mops to clean up the mess.

It all started when Nancy Pelosi, the spaced-out Speaker of the House of Ill Repute, was given word of Scott Brown’s stunning victory in Massachusetts.  Sensing the world as she knew it coming to an end, she started flipping out, foaming at the mouth, and acting like a total imbecile.  Normally that would not have been considered too unusual for her.  But then she started to faint, with her eyes rolling back into her head.  A top aide instinctively, without thought, reached for a bucket of water and doused her from head to toe.

Pelosi started fizzing and fizzling, becoming enveloped in a turquoise fog, then started literally melting away right on the spot.  Within one minute, she totally dissolved into a puddle of green goo on the floor.  All that was left was her ever-present broom and pointy black hat drenched in 2 quarts of green slop.  Bystanders just stood by with jaws dropped.  Her final gurgled comments were, “Et tu, my little pretty?”

Democratic congresspeople have been desperately trying to figure out how to reconstitute her.  Some are reading and re-reading all the novels of L. Frank Baum to see if there are any hidden deliquifying instructions embedded somewhere.  But others are just standing around like a box of rocks trying to figure out what to do next…directionless.

Meanwhile, the EPA called in its Hazardous Material Unit to quarantine the area with red danger tape and don moon suits.  The EPA inspector indicated that it was likely Congress would be issued a Notice of Violation and sizeable fines for an unpermitted hazardous spill…an outcome of the Administration’s orders to toughen enforcement.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Obama on hands and knees on this one

The President made a special trip last weekend to Massachusetts trying to pull all stops in order to avoid losing the critical Ted Kennedy seat in the special election today.  But his personal charm and charisma may not be enough, as Independent voters, exhausted from vomitting over the Reid/Pelosi commode, are switching allegiances by the droves, according to recent polls.

Many liberal pundits have lamented that losing the Kennedy seat will fly in the face of everything Senator Kennedy stood for…collosal bureaucracy, government control over all life functions, and irresponsible spending like drunken sailors out for a joy ride…right at the cusp of having all those dreams really coming true.  They have urged the President to do something, anything.

So the President has been busy trying to find new payola buckets that can be rolled out to the Massachusetts citizens quickly.  “It’s got to be more pragmatic than the Louisiana or Nebraska payoffs,” said an unnamed insider.  “It must be fast cash in the pockets, no fuss, no muss.” 

Insiders say the President, who just met with major bankers last week to shake them down for paying employees enormous bonuses, may have secretly launched a landmark deal.  In the deal, registered Independent voters will be emailed a special password today that will allow them to go to any Massachusetts ATM and withdraw up to $1000 free cash…today before 7pm only.   The four largest banks will foot the bill as a penance for just too much bonus greed, accounting tom-foolery, and general poor eating habits and farting at the table.

Sources say that the Independent Free Cash program will clearly demonstrate to voters that they, the Democrats, are the party of freebies, benny’s, and other good stuff on silver platters.  Privately, they acknowledge that many Independents will eventually understand the fallacy in all this.  But they are banking on the 1-day euphoria factor to get through the special election before they think it all the way through.  The nice new 46-inch flat screen TV on their credenza might help with their internal struggles, as well.

A Republican party spokesman was asked to comment on the proposed Free Cash program, and just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots.”  A bank CEO who had been listening-in said, “I’ll second that.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Massachusetts senate seat race prompts ‘pants’ strategy

A special election is being held Tuesday in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat.  Conventional thinking had been that this would be a slam-dunk win for Martha Coakley, the Democrat, who would take over for the temporary appointee Democrat Paul Kirk.  But with recent public outcry regarding the socialist agenda being rammed-through in Washington, the Republican challenger Scott Brown has closed the gap, particularly among the Common Sense fringe element in Massachusetts.

The Dems had been panicking, but in their desperation, they believe they have devised a foolproof plan to keep the seat.  To show that they are in tune with the public and even a bit hip, the campaign committee announced that they have changed their campaign theme song to “Pants on the Ground”.  The song, written by General Larry Platt and introduced to the world during the American Idol show last week, is almost certain to go platinum and win Grammies.  Dem strategists want to catch this wave early and use it to their immediate advantage.

The campaign musicologist tweaked some of the lyrics suggesting Republican Brown walks around with his pants on the ground, wears his hat sideways, and flashes his gold teeth.  Most voters know that none of it is true.  But the campaign is hoping for some sort of subliminal connection when the wavering voter is in the booth scratching his ass.

Dems plan to rent hundreds of large horn speakers that mount on top of cars, and will play their new theme continuously around towns and especially near polling places.  They have also asked all campaign workers to dress up in a Pants On The Ground costume theme on Election day, including inserting some fake gold teeth to complete the effect.

The Democratic campaign believes this will be enough to hold onto a thin victory on Tuesday, and avoid losing their fillibuster-proof majority that would undo Obamacare, for sure.

A Republican campaign spokesman was asked to comment, but he just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots…”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Sports sideshows now more popular than games themselves

Following a 15-year trend of increasing sports gimmickry, the silly sideshows have now eclipsed the games themselves in fan interest.  Exit polls done by the Jallop organization of fans leaving sports venues have shown diminishing interest and outright boredom of the high-priced arrogant prima donna parade out on the field.  More and more fans could not even remember who won the game, some even were not quite sure who was playing.  Only one in 10 even knew who Art Shmellman was.

But all remembered and were excited about the cheerleaders shooting air cannons of cheap T-shirts to the fans…which was voted the #1 fan interest activity in the latest poll.  Even though the T-shirts were often just goofy promotional crap from places like Bill’s TV and Appliance, fans would dive and crash into little kids just for the chance of snapping one up.  At a recent Bizarreville Skunkspray football game, little Tommy Derfberger received a broken nose when Elmer “the Whale” Flabbertime launched  himself over several rows to get a tie-dye.  Ironically, the shirt size was “Medium”, 5 sizes short of Elmer’s girth needs.

Other popular sideshows in order of popularity included the old grammaw trying to throw a football through an orifice 20 yards away, the scoreboard icon race, the little  s#*!t  bands that go through the stands playing obnoxious mini-songs, and the mock fighting between opposing team mascots with a crotch-busting at the goalpost finale. 

The Wave, which years ago was #1 in sideshow popularity did not make the latest Top Ten….although it continues to be exceedingly popular at some schools in Ohio, which apparently have not received the memo yet.

Team owners seem very happy with the trends.  For years, they were able to only cater to the hard-core, cigar-smoking ultra-fans who would laser focus on game play and keep score in their programs.  Unfortunately, this group rarely bought the 8-buck nacho chips, the 9-buck cotton candies, or the 10-buck vanilla cokes.  The new fans load up on all this overpriced garbage like there’s no tomorrow, as well as the chintzy hats, helmets, and literally anything with a team logo, creating a huge new revenue stream for the salivating owners.  “The experience has changed from just watching a meaningless game to a whole new social activity now,” one owner said.  “I don’t know…seems like the new fans just want to stuff their faces more.”

Owners are now contemplating how to better exploit the ultimate sideshow:  the tailgate party.  One innovative owner is trialling a bratwurst tax, with a team of weiner checkers to make counts in the lot.  If this is successful, you can bet that it won’t be long before all sports teams have weiner checkers on staff.

Our New 51st state: Confusion

Congress just announced passage of a major new bill, creating a new 51st state which will be called the state of Confusion.  The name has Latin roots in meaning “a group pour”, which is very much how the new state will come into being.  Congress had originally wanted to persuade one of the existing states to donate land for this new state, but none would pop for it.  So they plan to construct the new state by filling in a small piece of the Atlantic Ocean with landfill garbage, wastewater treatment sludge, junk mail, plus all the returnable beer and soft drink containers from Michigan and other ‘enlightened’ states.  “It will be like Atlantis’ outhouse,” one senator said.

Congress announced that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be co-presidents of Confusion, a departure from the convention of having the state’s chief executive being titled governor.  But it emphasizes how important Confusion will be in the new world order.  Both Harry and Nancy will have equal power to issue executive orders and statewide misdirection.  They will also have the power to collect tax  from any/all inhabitants, even the rodents, pigeons, and dodo birds.

Surprisingly, these Confusion appointees received overwhelming bi-partisan support.  Democrats pointed out that both leaders deserve this promotion opportunity as a reward for their brave, high-performing leadership in the past 12 months.  Republicans were enthusiastic about putting these two on a mound of  s#*!t  off our shores, in which they would be hard-pressed to find a way to turn it into a worse pile of  s#*!t.

The announcement did not indicate how to handle the difficulty of adding a 51st star to the flag, but sources say they will just put a small asterisk on one of the white stripes and call it even.

Truckloads and bargeloads of crap are already being diverted from city dumps and hazardous landfills around the country to the new Confusion-in-the-making.  Congress authorized $1 trillion for constructing the new state, but some fear it might overrun the budget.  Insiders say, “It doesn’t really matter.  After all what’s another trill or so when it comes to something this big?  A hundred years from now, who will know the difference when they’re enjoying the slip-n-slide rides at Confusion Disneyland?”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Local station pulls plug on Tonight Show, favors new format to put viewers to sleep

Bizarreville’s local NBC affiliate announced yesterday that it was totally fed-up with all the wankers running the network, is pulling the plug on these guys, and signing on to become some kind of PBS station.  They say that the latest nuttiness over who will host the Tonight Show has been the last shovelful of excrement in filling up the NBC manure wagon.

Bizarreville’s station plans to keep a late night talking format, but with an intriguing PBS twist.  They will employ PBS’ patented Pledge Drive babble for the full 55 minutes of the show without commercial interruption.  This format, according to the station manager, will be used to target the key market in that time slot:  folks who just want white noise to help them fall asleep in their beds.  Negotiations are underway with Joe “the Monotone” Barker to host the show by just drivelling nonsense continuously for 55 minutes, while old-fashioned telephones ring off-the-hook in the background manned by a panel of drones.  Joe has plenty of experience, and has hosted several interminable PBS pledge drives in the past 5 years with a droopy style that fits the new concept perfectly.

The station believes this talk format will be much more effective than the comedian format in terms of accomplishing the true goal:  doze-off.  They are confident that they can get a 90% konk-out performance within a 30-minute sleep timer.  The station has tested the concept with office staff people, and found most dozing off in 10-15 minutes listening to Joe, even during daylight hours with several pots of coffee at hand.  “We believe this will also make our viewers healthier by getting up to 30 minutes more sleep per night, and waking up more refreshed and energized,” the station manager said.

NBC is paying attention, has gotten the lowdown on the Bizarreville concept, and is rumored to be studying something similar…especially in light of Leno and O’Brien telling them to stick the Tonight Show up their ass.   NBC has a stable full of mellow-voice yawnable candidates for hosting such a show, who cut their teeth in their limpy News department and have been putting the public asleep for years.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.