bizarreville

Posts Tagged ‘obama’

The repeal of tax cuts

The President and his crack staff of spendaholics had made campaign promises to not come up with any new taxes.  But they still had the insatiable appetite to spend, spend, and spend a little more.  Like a 400-pound chowhound sitting behind a plate of savory double bacon cheeseburgers, the temptation was simply irresistable.  Yes, they would engorge themselves with those meaty burgers…but how would they pay the tab?  What sucker could they get to pick up the check?

The President had an idea….roll back old tax cuts.  Naturally that wouldn’t be a tax increase, per se.  It would just be the expiration of a tax decrease…in his mind, a totally acceptable loophole that could withstand the “depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is” kind of legal scrutiny.  Moreover, it would be an action that the President could undertake and have a complete illusion of a clear conscience.  After all, he had previously made speeches about the millions of job loss avoidances from his stimulus programs….this latest idea was certainly no more a truth-stretcher than that one.

So, they rolled back the Bush tax cuts, all of them:  the ones that benefited the filthy rich bastards, the ones that helped the semi-filthy middle class creeps, and the ones that gave a spark to the not-too-filthy lower incomers.  Oh, there was joy in the White House, and high-fives all around as the nasty tax cuts finally met their maker.

But then, Gilbert Shnoodle, senior adviser to the President, suggested they go ahead and roll back the Reagan tax cuts.  “Sure!” cried the staffers, “Why not?  Why not take a little more hide away from all those greedy SOB’s?”  So, they immediately passed legislation to cancel those old Reagan tax cuts, driving top marginal rates to 70 percent.  By this time, the martinis were flowing freely, and any inhibitions about being a  radical dirtbag flew out the window. 

Another staffer suggested:  “Why stop there?  There have been many Presidents who have cut taxes over the years.”  Before you knew it, they had rolled back the Nixon, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Truman, and Hoover tax cuts.  By the time it was over, the average tax rate was 62%, and the top marginal rate was 94%.  The staffers were so ecstatic, they went ahead and had a toga party.

There was some public bemoaning and bellyaching about this new radical tax policy.  But Administration officials insisted that the President completely abided by his promise of no new taxes…never said anything about unearthing some of the golden oldies.

 

All Stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem sorta real.

Confirmation hearings for new general going slowly

The Senate hearings for the newly appointed general started off very well, with the general spewing well-rehearsed answers to scripted questions.  Naturally, he was extensively questioned about B.O., the B.O. incident, and body odor in general.  Of course, his lack of smell impairment was weaved into every response, further punctuated by the fact that he himself smelled like he had not showered in about 2 weeks.  His fragrance of dead fish floating in a sulfur spring made the point to all the senators on the panel.

But, as they probed beneath his odorous surface, the found several disturbing nuances in his background.  Allegations came forth of tax fraud, soliciting prostitution, and most importantly, speaking when not spoken to.  The first 2 charges were basically dismissed by the senate committee panel, deemed not critical to confirmation.  “Tax law, after all, is a confusing mess of non-understandable garblety gook and ambiguous jibberish,” said one senator.  It was echoed by several other senators, who at one time or another had been accused of dodging tax, when they claimed that the system they themselves devised was just too damn complicated. 

And solicitation was considered by the panel to be a soft crime in Bizarreville.  People such as the general are under intense pressure…fighting wars, filling out interminable bureaucratic report forms, trying to look busy, etc….a person in such a situation needs a release.  And besides, as evidence presented itself, General Munkfard only offered her 50 bucks, which wouldn’t have gotten him even a toe suck. 

But the last charge was a huge concern.  “It’s a question of character,” the committee chairman said.  “It is unconscionable that any officer, let alone a general, cannot understand this basic expectation.”  A specific example was presented when Munkfard was speaking to a general 8 years ago without having filled out a request form ahead of time, or even getting verbal permission.

“He just came out and talked,” an eyewitness said.  “No Form 3471-B was filled out, no Attachment 13F, none of that.  I didn’t have a 3471-B with me at the time, or I would have offered it to him.  I had a 3471-A, but not a “B”…doggone it…not a “B”.  I tried to warn him, but he just went on talking, like he was talking to some buddy in a bar.  It was shocking…shocking.”

The general still has a good chance of being confirmed by this Committee, who just needs to approve a warm body to run the stupid war.  It is unlikely that the President will find another senior officer with a nose handicap, and the committee members understand this dilemma.  Voting is expected by week’s end.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Sorry to those who thought this was a scoop.

The General’s got to go

The President announced that he could no longer tolerate smart-alec insubordination and disrespect in his commanding general.  So he put his ass on a slow boat to Cleveland, and fired him on the spot.

The General had told Lazy Funk magazine that he didn’t care for the President’s choice of underarm deodorant.  “He’s got B.O., and the cheddar cheese fragrance of the roll-on (that he apparently gets from Cracker Barrel) makes the whole Oval office smell like a 400-pound jogger,” said the General.  “If he’s going to shop at the Barrel, maybe he ought to see if they have something a little less dairy.”

Even though the General has had a distinguished 35-year career, and has led the nation in defending against nasty enemies and lunatics while risking his life, the B.O. comment was just too mean, too cruel, and very inappropriate, according to the President.  “The General should have just held his freaking nose like the rest of us,” an Insider said.  “Maybe he could have just shot him a Ralph Lauren fragrance gift pack for Christmas, and let nature run its course.”

The General said he has had a lot of offers and looks forward to joining the private sector.  Several cologne companies have allegedly made him attractive offers to be their spokesman, parlaying his notoriety as a sudden odor expert, and a solid defender of the right to not have to breathe stale air.  “It’s in the Declaration…life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness…no way you’re going to be pursuing happiness in a stink pot,” he said.

The President appointed General Lucius Munkfard to the post as his replacement.  Munkfard is a highly decorated officer, who coincidently lost his sense of smell in Vietnam during heavy chemical bombing many years ago.  He said he can pretty much withstand any foe, whether it be enemy combatant or just pure unadulterated stink.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the stinky ones.

President Asskicker

The President, in a desperate attempt to change his pansy image, attended the National Asskicker Society meeting this week.  Members unanimously voted him Honorary Chief of the Society for “showing the mean angry face of a determined bully who meant business and would take no prisoners.”  The President was humbled so much in this designation that the Board almost decided to take the honor away from him.

The Chairman of the Society, Elfred DeJong, officially known as the F#?%Head Supreme, said that the President has made great strides in flushing out his inherent weenyness that had made him the lapdog of the bleeding heart liberals.  “But we need to see more than just a snippet or two of tough talk,” he said.  “We need to see him chasing down those Washington idiots across the White House lawn and literally be kicking their asses along the chase.  We want it to look like a bloody Three Stooges routine.  He needs to be Moe.  That’s when we’ll be truly convinced of his ability to earn the honor bestowed upon him today.  We’ll be watching.”

A spokesman for the President said he is going to seriously try hard to be an A-1 Asskicker, even though it runs against all his natural instincts.  He has started watching old James Cagney face-slapping movies, and some Clint Eastwood Dirty Harry movies to better learn classic jerkism.  He has even considered pulling out the old strap on his kids.  The President has cancelled his memberships in the Mamby Pamby Society, the Gutless Wonders Association, and the Men With Tears.  “He’s committed.  There will be no tear sheds around here, believe me.”

As the President left the National Asskickers Society meeting, he tripped on his shoelace and fell flat on his face.  “There’s still work to do,” the President said as he brushed off his Armani suit.  The Society Chairman said that they could always retract the honor if he returns to acting like a boob.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

The Price is Fright game show

Nancy Pelosi…come on down!!  You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright.  Whooop, whooop, whooop.  Okay contestants, here we go.  Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?

Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!!  These are not just any jobs.  They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever.  From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy.  Nancy?

I’ll bid $100 billion.

Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker.  Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery.  Harry?

Yeah, that’s way too high for jobs that are basically make-work jobs.  Come on, give me a break.  I’ll say $78 billion.

Okay, now we’re getting serious.  Joe….you’re next…

I’ll bid one dollar.

One dollar for 100 jobs??  Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind.  Okay, one dollar.  Barack?

It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price.  It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy.  These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning.  And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs?  You can’t ….

Barack, Barack….please, man.  Just shut up.  Shut your cake hole, and give me a freaking bid already.

$62 billion.  There….you happy now?  You dirty, good-for-nothing mother mrrrrr,  mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, mrrrrr….

Thank you.  Retail price….$62 billion!!  Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot.  How did you ever do that?

It’s easy, Bob.  He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers.  He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal.  If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion.  Are you that naive?

Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw.  Am I right?  A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy?  Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?

No, Bob.  I don’t care if he always wins.  I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity.  We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will.  Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job.  No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.

(Buzzzzzz).  I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today.  But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements.  Until then,  good night friends.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even game shows

New hand-wringing towels for the BP oil spill crisis

The White House just announced plans to change suppliers of their official hand-wringing towels.  They claim that the current supplier has failed to deliver a consistent quality  product that can hold up to the demands of their intense users.

A White House spokesman indicated that the previous towels provided by Waaah Waaah Inc literally turned into shreds during the current BP oil spill crisis.  “They just were not up to the task,” the spokesman said.  “We had a group of 10 of us in the Oval Office wimpering, crying, and wringing the snot out of those towels.  9 out of 10 basically disintegrated, turning into a mangled mess of sloppy thread.  The 10th was used by a staffer who apparently dozed off during the meeting.”

Waaah Waaah has said that they never warrantied their product line for this enormous level of wringing that the towels recently were subjected to.  They said that they would have normally expected the Chief Executive to stop crying, and start doing something at this stage of the crisis, as all his predecessors would have done by now.  “This Chief has just thrown us for a loop,” said Frank Waaah, CEO of the company.  “It appears we are in a new age of fret, that may require us to totally rethink how our product line is designed.”

The new supplier, Boohooski Wet Mops Inc., promised to deliver hand-wringers made out of heavy-duty denim with kevlar wire reinforcement.  They say that their towels are strictly made for wringing, and caution the texture is much too rough for facial skin contact.  They claim that they will guarantee the steady performance of their Max Wring Whinecloths for either the entire length of the BP oil spill crisis, or 2 years, whichever comes first.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

The reins, the sharks, and other things

The President, tired and confused from a busy week, talked today about his upcoming priorities to rein in Wall Street, and implement sweeping climate control legislation to address global warming, or global cooling, whatever it seems to be doing.  But in the course of getting ready for his speech, the teleprompter text got mixed up.  Somehow, the President’s lunch order for Chinese also got fumbled into the mix.  It all went something like this:

Friends, it has become apparent to me that a pressing national priority absolutely must be to put an end to the Wall Street mavericks who are spewing tons and tons of carbon dioxide, creating the greenhouse effect in our world.  On Earth Day, a day we celebrate the greenness of our hundred dollar bills, we can no longer merely accept a passive approach to burning cash and melting down coins just so the investment bankers and squirrelly speculators can eat General Tso chicken and pork fried rice.  It is their irresponsibility that inevitably created the economic crash that caused us to order the Cash for Clunkers program to reduce smog, and eliminate the odor that can come from sweet and sour sauce. 

So we will be taking firm steps to curtail coal-fired electrical power plants, and replace them with clean burning wontons.  There will be tax penalties that will have to be paid by these dirty industries, with proceeds going to help the poor homeless families who have been tossed out via foreclosures and/or failure to pay the delivery charge on their order.  But there will also be incentives for those people at Goldman Sachs and fuel-efficient bankers who continue to support our highest ideals, or at least continue to send me those fat campaign contribution checks (ha, ha).  But seriously, friends, our future, our kids’ futures, and the future of egg foo young are all at stake if we don’t insist on accountability for clean restrooms. 

Therefore, I am directing Congress to immediately pass these laws before our planet gets too warm and our egg-drop soup gets too cold.  It is time for us to act decisively, force all the greedy bankers to be quarantined at Three Mile Island, force all the polluters to eat sushi, and stop all the confusing rhetoric.  I am asking all the freedom-loving kooks who listen to talk radio or read the crazy stuff in blogs like “bizarreville” to cease and desist drinking green tea, and taste this new flavor of KoolAid that I just came across…tastes a little bit like sulfur dioxide.  And remember if we all just walk to our schools, stores, and workplaces we will save enough energy to buy a pu-pu platter.

Thank you, and have a good Moo Goo Gai Pan.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

An Idiot’s guide to becoming a tyrant

A Look inside the book….

Chapter One.

The tyrant-wannabe must first understand that it is not as easy being tyrannical as you would think.  It takes time, persistence, a willingness to go that extra mile in demonstrating consistent nastiness in a new, exciting unpredictable ways.  Many potentially world-class tyrants have failed to reach the pinnacles because they became too predictable…particularly in the ways they mistreated and tormented their people.  Best practice has always been to gin up a new element of creepiness each and every day that is radically different from the creep show the day before.

It is important that the tyrant-in-training first decide which type of tyrant he/she wants to be:

1. Benevolent tyrant who claims to be taking total charge in order to help people, particularly those who have not been able to realize full happiness in their lives.  These people may have pursued happiness, only to discover that some jerk took it away.  The benevolent tyrant will promise leveling things out, and naturally break that promise on a regular basis.

2. Taskmaster tyrant who decides, by gosh, he’s got a job to do, and will get it done by shear force.  This tyrant believes he has a mandate from his adoring public to do whatever it takes, and feels he has total authority over his whole domain.  He will command his subjects to fulfill his wishes.  Head beatings may be necessary for slackers to his orders.

3. Ruthless tyrant who takes the taskmaster tyrant flavor one step further.  He normally discovers the root of all society problems is confined to certain people whose behavior is abhorant to him.  He spends most of his time trying to figure out ways to mum these people.

The irony in the tyrant choice decision is that it doesn’t really matter which flavor you choose.  All end up essentially behaving the same way in time.  But most successful tyrants prefer to look like #1, the benevolent tyrant, because it plays better in the press.  It allows the creation of an image of empathy, which is effective at tricking the gullible public into believing he will truly help them out of their situation.  Of course, by the time they realize that they just stepped into a bucket of s#!&t, it’s too late, baby.

Next, it is very important for the tyrant trainee to engage in Mirror time.  He must practice the various tyrant “looks”, with at least 6 reps of 20 minute look drills per day, especially in the early days of the tyranny.  He should practice the look of growling at flunkie interruptions, eyeball popouts during any staff disagreement, furled eyebrows at idiotic citizen comments, total disgust at any sort of bad news, rage at any insubordination, and generally a scowl as a default look.  Repeated practice will make these looks come natural to the tyrant when the situation arises, since often there will not be a mirror available when needed.

The tyrant will want to quickly begin to develop his own henchman security force, who will bust heads, bust chops to enforce your agenda.  It’s good to start early and create a probation program that will sort the true stars from the hench-talkers who talk a good game, but cannot truly clock a guy with one swift swipe.  Alignment training will be required, formerly known as brain-washing.  Brain-washing was never a very adequate term to use, since technically brains were never truly being washed in the detergent sense of the word.  In modern times, terms like visioning, developing common purpose, and execution are more politically correct terms to use to describe getting your henchmen’s priorities right.

In the next chapter, we will discuss other important early aspects of creating that tyranny that historians will talk about for millenia, including the importance of selecting the proper gold and/or gem-encrusted throne that speaks to your individual personality.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even some of the recommended reading.

The Liberty Coupon program

The Left wing Administration, during the process of rolling-out their Total People Control program, have begun to feel a wee bit of pressure from ordinary citizens.  People are finally waking up from their political sleep, defogging their brains, and coming to realize that they could end up losing a lot of freedoms in the future, as these Changes You Can Believe In elements take hold.  More and more citizens are starting to get vocal at Tea Party rallies and Town Hall meetings.  Others are sending emails to their representatives…but of course, those are pretty much getting s#!*t canned by screeners, who are protecting the representatives’ delicate ears from such blatant in-your-face feedback.

But last week, the Administration staffers got their eggheads together and developed a fool-proof plan to combat this wave of discontent, and get on a new course to change public opinion.  One of the Senior Gophers came up with the brilliantly innovative idea of issuing Liberty Coupons.  For that bit of initiative, the Gopher was given 2 free movie passes to the theater of his choice and 1 large popcorn/Coke combo…total estimated value of over 100 bucks.

The Liberty Coupons program would work like this.  Liberty Coupons could be granted by any member of government to individuals who have displayed superior loyalty, taken brave action to help crush any opposition, or just suck-up well.  These coupons could be sold or traded, but each coupon would allow the bearer the privilege of garnering one small act of freedom.  Multiple coupons could be used for larger acts of freedom.  All coupon redemption offers would be illustrated in a full-color catalog, produced by the new Department of People Control.

For example, one Liberty Coupon could allow the bearer to procure a simple act of freedom, such as being entitled to read a Sean Hannity book, buy a Rock&roll CD, or be allowed to cut down a tree on his/her property.  Trading in 5 Liberty Coupons could allow you to visit the Doctor of your choice, or perhaps be able to purchase a large order of fries at a designated McDonalds or Burger King.  A five-spot could allow a citizen the right to buy a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee beer at a non-governmental beverage distributor.  Or, it could allow you to paint a wall in your home a color other than the normally prescribed “Autumn Wheat”.

And it would go up from there.  Ten coupons, for example, could permit you to lock your home doors.  Twenty coupons would allow you to purchase a non-hybrid vehicle…and for 2 more coupons, you could actually be allowed to buy a diesel.  Mind you, the coupons don’t cover the price of the merchandise you would have to pay…only the right to be able to make the purchase….consumers would still have to fork over the dough, in addition to the Coupon. 

Thirty coupons would permit you to send your children to a non-ghetto school…or allow you to accept a job in the rapidly dwindling private sector…that is, if there are still any jobs available.

The Administration likes the program’s premise, in that it is modeled after the successful Rewards programs that people now love so much.  And the Liberty Coupon program will encourage the behavior of “saving up” for those freedoms that people cherish the most, rather than just wasting Liberty Coupons on small trivial freedoms that don’t really matter that much to them.  All in all, the staff seems enthusiastic about finding this common ground with the Freedom Seekers contingent out there, and plan to get this program rolling on a fast-track by July.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem quite real.

‘People Control’ Dingell plan leaks out

During an interview a couple weeks ago, Congressman John Dingell from Michigan had an inadvertant slip of the tongue and let out the administration’s next series of strategies in the Change You Can Believe In program.  Dingell is the longest serving congressman in the House, having been reelected an amazing 26 times.  He has kept the liberal vision alive during all that time, and with the recent change in power, seems was just unable to control his exhuberence.

Dingell was quoted saying: “…it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that will have to be taken to put legislation together to control the people.”  The ‘control the people’ phrase set off a firestorm in conservative camps who immediately started probing into the next shoe-drop in the move toward socialism that is expected to be proposed by summer.  Under huge pressure, Mr. Edlard Smurf, spokesman for the administration finally relented and addressed the crowds.

“John has let the freaking cat out of the bag on our yet-to-be-announced program on tighter people control.  I guess he has been supporting this move for so long, that he just could no longer hold it in.  No matter.  Affectionately known as Project ViceGrip around here, it will be intended to quickly bring an end to the out-of-control freedoms that have simply lingered too long.  People have unfortunately been given too much choice…where to live, where to go for french fries, how to dance, where to go to college, what jobs to get…on and on.  And you see where it has gotten us?  To a country where some people live very well, and others live like crap.  It’s just not fair, the President knows it, and you know it.  Our new ViceGrip program will be the great equalizer.”

Smurf references how well tight control has worked with smoking.  By raising cigarette taxes and limiting where people can smoke, the government has been able to make a significant change in people’s behavior.  And even though there are many people who continue to smoke, Smurf says that it is mainly confined to dirt bags, rednecks, drug users, and kids.   

Smurf says that their People control program will be a comprehensive roll-out, that will eventually rein in behaviors of all kind that the Leaders feel are unhealthy, unwise, unproductive, or unfair.  In some cases, there will be incentives to encourage good behavior…such as eating carrots instead of cheese balls, or walking to the market instead of driving.  Specific incentives have yet to be determined, but could include things like free movie tickets to G-rated shows, a case of Granola bars, or a 6-pack of prune juice.  Extraordinary good behavior could get you a free vacation in Cuba with Michael Moore as your host.

But in addition to the “carrot” approach, there will also be the “stick” …for misbehavior such as attending Tea Party rallies, listening to Glenn Beck, or making profit in a business.  Even something as simple as Working Hard will be watched closely in order to flush out anyone who tries to play the one-upsmanship game.  Extra paddy wagons will be appropriated to shuttle off these ne’er-do-wells to various holding cells for remedial realignment retraining. 

ViceGrip will be extended to the college admission process by nationalizing all colleges.  Smurf says that there is no feasible way to reach true equality over who gets in and who gets tossed…so a select Committee will decide.  And their decision will not be based solely on the semi-unfair traditional measures such as high school grades or the SAT scores.  No, the Committee will have the latitude to consider all objective and subjective factors when making their assignments…with the watchword being “equalizing”.  Smurf said that those egghead prima donnas with the 1600 SAT scores may just find themselves enrolled at Bumf*#!k University next semester.

Dingell was later reached for comment, and said that he had originally wanted just a little more government control, but ViceGrip takes it far beyond his wildest dreams.  When asked how his suburban Detroit constituents will react to ViceGrip and whether this could influence his ability to go for a 27th term, Dingell said “I don’t really give a sh!*t.  I’m ready to retire anyway.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

Jimmy Carter era deja vu

Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”.  It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970’s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land.  Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation.  And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other.  Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.

Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines.  They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you.  And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!”  Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story:  good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.

The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook.  He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public.  But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost.  He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims.  “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”

Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable.  The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Dealing with those greedy job creators

The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour.  He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?”  He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.

His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest.  Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace.  Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns.  Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.

Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio.  The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%.  Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch.  He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month.  Bottom line:  it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization.  The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations.  The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.

The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon.  During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants.  He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days.  Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s  American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”

They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week.  During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance.  But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term.  Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.

When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth.  “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)…  curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.