bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Posts Tagged ‘national debt’

Debt Limit Fiasco gets settled

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October 14th, 2013 Posted 9:43 pm

With the government getting scarily close to hitting the brick wall on its debt ceiling, parties on both sides have been scurrying to work out a deal of some sort.  Hundreds of suggestions have been served up, but all have been plundered by the opposing side as “moronic and totally unacceptable.”  It appeared that neither side was willing to budge and financial chaos was only days away.

That is, until Representative Carl “The Codger” Coddington made his suggestion on the House floor.  Carl fidgeted in his chair during most of Thursday’s session, looked very agitated, then finally blurted out that they should agree to go ahead and raise the Debt Limit by a Buck 2.80.  Perhaps showing total exhaustion from the weeks of wraggling, both sides erupted in wild cheers of excitement.  A scribe hurriedly wrote up a blurb of legislative prose, and both sides approved it with a verbal vote on the spot.  Crisis averted.

No one, however, exactly knew what the real definition of a Buck 2.80 was.  Did it represent some sort of real number, and if so, what was that number?  If it was a number between 1 and 3 dollars, it would only keep the government financially solvent for 13 nanoseconds…and while that was “some” progress, it was perhaps not quite “enough” progress.  Attempts to interview congressmen to get an answer were met with snide rebuffs, retorting, “Don’t get so damn technical!” as they popped open the champagne bottles on the floor.

One news reporter said he uses the term all the time.  “Anytime some nitwit relative asks me how much I paid for a new jacket or fishing rod, I just tell them ‘About a Buck 2.80,’ and that usually shuts them up so that I can get back to doing whatever I was doing.  Buck 2.80, brilliant move!”

Another reporter said he uses it, too.  “Last week, some idiot doing a survey stopped me, asked a bunch of lame questions, then quizzed me how much money I made.  I told him about a Buck 2.80, and he gave me a deer-in-the-headlight stare that was hilarious.  Yeah, Buck 2.80…that’s the answer to the Debt crisis.”

The next day, it was written into the Congressional record that the new Debt Limit is $16.7 trillion plus a Buck 2.80.  Global financial markets rallied on the news.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even though we wish they were true.

Obamanomics Lesson #2: Spending Carpe Diem

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September 24th, 2011 Posted 2:35 pm

The second lesson of Obamanomics is Spending Carpe Diem…focus on today, not tomorrow or all that future generation crap, when it comes to government spending.  After all, no one knows what will happen in the future.  For all we know, there could be nuke wars, health pandemics, or other global catastrophies.  Why tighten our belts too much now?  How sad would it be to scrimp, save, sacrifice, and economize now, only to then have a nuclear holocaust that made all that tightening meaningless and irrelevant.  Carpe diem is the answer.  Here are some of the specific elements of Spending carpe diem:

1. Stop measuring and reporting Budget deficits, trade deficits, and National Debt numbers.  These figures just get people rattled, needlessly so since they can do nothing about them.  Make these numbers “need to know” high-security clearance available only, mostly just accessible to Financial Ultra-geeks sworn to secrecy.

2. Ramp up all government spending on new bridges to nowhere, new interstate highways that can save 3-4 minutes on a 200-mile trip, new ditches needing dug, new painting of rusty stuff.  Expand these programs until we run out of bodies to do the work, even after importing all the illegal aliens who want to come here.

3. Get rid of all that Debt ceiling raising approval malarky.  It is undeniably a totally worthless process:  a bunch of knucklehead congresspeople pretending to be managing something that they’re not really managing.  Seriously?  Why expend energy on anything so meaningless?  Wheelspinning takes much too much work.  Raise it to infinity and forget about it.

4. Don’t fret about the kids/grandkids factor anymore.  Let them figure it out on their own when they get there.  Don’t spoil them with a cushy world that has all their problems solved.  Just makes them lazy.  Our forefathers had to fight to survive, eek out a living, solve major problems like all the manure buildup on muddy city streets; there’s very little manure on streets nowadays.  What other societal problems will the kids have to work on?  They’ll figure it out.

5. Give increases, perqs, and new benefits to all government civil servants.  They are, after all, servants of the people.  And even though they are servants, they almost never get a tip.  No 15% of the check, or 18% for parties of 5 or more.  All they get is a base wage, maybe some free coffee, doughnuts, a parking spot, and a couple dozen holidays per year.  We need to show them that we appreciate them.  No better way than boosting their salaries 20-25%.  It will make them happier, and certainly more productive as they push their endless piles of paperwork, file stuff by the traincar load, and unravel or re-ravel red tape.  And the raises will boost their demeanor as they don new smiling faces while dealing with citizens trying to get licenses, permits,and food stamps…no more of gruff old Bertha snapping heads off because their paperwork is filed incorrectly.

6. Expand all regulations and tighten all enforcement to provide jobs to permit writers, lawyers, and enforcement goons.  And, accompanying that will be new bulging administrative staffs to help these new government officials with various wiping functions.

7. Require every legal, semi-legal, and non-legal document to be notarized.  Make Notary Publics full time positions to increase jobs.  Establish some Notary-specialized colleges that offer advanced degrees in the art/science of notarizing.  Establish a new cabinet-level position, Secretary of Notarization Controls to ensure that non-notarized documents become a thing of the past.

The Spending Carpe Diem approach will reduce the stress and strain on stock markets worldwide.  With no data to get flustered about, markets can go back to just worrying about the success or patheticness of their respective business sectors.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the economic lessons.

Tax Man, the limerick

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July 31st, 2011 Posted 1:35 pm

There once was a man from Who-knows-where
The guy barely knew where his toes were
Instead of rejected
Somehow got elected
While brains were still parked in their doze-wear.
.
I’m Tax Man.  It’s spelled with an Ax
To cut down your oversized stacks
I’ll pickpock your wallet
“Your fair share,” I’ll call it
And hope that your ear’s full of wax.
.
It’s Tax.  It’s just something I love
With a mandate that fits like a glove
I’ll shake down all CapeTown
I’ll quake down in FlakeTown
And breakdown each tax bill I shove.
.
I’ll tax your ass while you are sittin’
I’ll tax loogies that just got spittin’
I’ll find all your loopholes
And plug all your poopholes
To save you from payin’ for s#!ttin’
.
Need tax for my stimulus plans
And tax for my flimulous flams
Need ‘backs for the hacks
Who massage all the facts
That wax all my dimly-lit scams.
.
Got programs in dire need o’ dough
Got cash-sinks I promised to grow
Got favors for cavers
And savors for shavers
Who gave us this gravenous glow.
.
So pay up, and pay all you can
Then pay more, and act like a man
Cuz no one likes whining
While we’re busy dining
With comrades who love to eat bran.
.
And don’t fudge on April 15
By then, we should have you picked clean
We’ll choke on your collar
While draining each dollar
Erase any remnant of green.
.
I’m Tax Man.  I’m what you jerks ordered
I’ve crashed every train that I’ve boarded
An irregular guy
With a regular tie
Who never inhaled what he snorted.
.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

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11th hour debt dealmaking

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July 24th, 2011 Posted 10:04 pm

The President met with senior leaders of the Bizarreville Congress all weekend attempting to forge a government spending/debt reduction deal in order to allow the Debt ceiling to be raised.  The sides continued to be far apart due to the enormous number of sacred cows that were unwilling to be compromised.

Congress asked the President to put an end to all the stupid wars around the world that had no apparent mission, no tangible benefit, and were wasting money by the hundreds of billions.  The President responded that useless missions were a fundamental promise he made to citizens during his campaign, and he could not back down now.  He pointed out the progress made in Funkistan to unseat the ruthless dictator Elmo Shlabba.  “Yes, sir, but who gives a crap about Funkistan?” commented a congressional leader.  “The only thing they contribute to the world economy is that they produce 1% of the world’s lima beans.  Who in the hell likes lima beans??  They taste like bird doo-doo.”  The President responded that there was more to the situation than lima beans, but admitted he did, in fact, like lima beans.

The President then turned the tables and insisted on the need for new tax increases.  “It’s been years since we’ve had a good, old-fashion, healthy tax increase.  If you go too long, taxpayers get complacent and forget about their responsibility to cover entitlements to those less-motivated.  These poor people are entitled, by their birthright in Bizarreville, to be able to sponge for a living.  And somebody’s got to pay the ever-increasing tab.  You don’t turn a blind eye to these people, and ignore them just because they’re lazy.  That’s not who we are.”

Opposition party leaders rebuked the idea of tax increases, stating that their Tea Party constituents feel they’ve been taxed enough already.  But the President promised that his proposed tax increases would not apply to everyone…only those people that had a job.  He further proposed that he would require all businesses to give every employee a 10% raise to compensate for their increased taxes.  “That way,” he said, “No one is really hurt.  We make everyone whole, and guess what?  The National Debt gets chiseled away.”  The opposing leaders said they might be able to live with that stipulation, but counter-proposed that the increase be 15%, just to be on the safe side.

But Congress still wants a meaningful reduction in stupid government spending and lame, nonsensical government bureaucracy that produces no intrinsic national value.  The President commented that they have tried doing that before in the past, but inevitably it ends up going nowhere.  “The bureaucracy kills all bureaucracy-killers, and furthermore, adds new bureaucracy in the fight.  Every spending-reduction initiative results in more spending.  Every streamline attempt creates new turbulence.  It’s a bureaucratic paradox…a Bureaudox.  Best just to give up, stay the course with the status quo, and not fuss.”

Congress seems to be weakening their position on spending cuts, now that the Bureaudox concept has come to light.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

Overheard at a town hall in Bizarreville

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July 12th, 2011 Posted 11:45 pm

…You people with jobs need to pay more of your Fair Share of taxes.  I’m tired of arguing with you, and really tired of you and your Tea Party buddies whining about paying more tax.  “Pay up, Shut up” is gonna be my new slogan.  Pay up, shut up.  You don’t seem to grasp that we have a recession going on.  No, no, you don’t.  And most of you in this room have jobs.  Am I right?  Well, you job-people need to help the non-job and the sub-job portions of our population.  You need to step up to your responsibilities to pay…yes, sometimes paying out the fabled ying yang…to get this debt under control.

You, over there.  You with the salmon-colored polo shirt.  You have a job, right?  Right.  And how much do you figure you pay in taxes, percentage-wise?  Forty-two percent…is that what you said?  42 lousy percent.  That means you’re taking way over half of your wages home with you every paycheck.  I’m guessing your blowing it on food, beer, a fancy shmancy house in the burbs, polos shirts for every person in your family…Nike shoes, right?  Not Bilford Athletic Econo-shoes…no, sir.  Nike.  Are you expecting the rest of the country to get by with Bilfords?  Is it fair that your kids can wear Nikes, but the bum’s kid out there on the street gets stuck with Bilfords?  Is that the kind of country we want to be…one with an ever-widening shoe gap?  Is it??

Pay up, shut up.  Fork over a few more measly dollars so that no one has to wear Bilfords unless they choose to.  Let’s erase that stigma from our society.

You know, you may find yourself needing help some day.  That’s right.  None of us are immune from the so-called green weenie, the axeman, the Chain-saw Al, the Neutron Jack, the pink slip.  I’ll bet a lot of you don’t have 2 cents in a savings account, living paycheck to paycheck, bar tab to bar tab.  You may well find yourself destitute and looking for someone to sponge off of one day.  That’s when you’ll see it all from the other side.  That’s when you’ll be saying Pay up, Shut up along with me.  You…you in the back row, nodding…yeah, you know what I mean.  Pay up, shut up doesn’t sound so bad, does it?  Exactly.  Why wait for it to happen?  Join us now, see the future.  Your future.  Let’s all say it together…Pay up, shut up, pay up, shut up, Pay Up, Shut Up, PAY UP, SHUT UP…that’s right…PAY UP, SHUT UP…now we’re talking.

My friends, trust me when I say that you will all feel better by just paying a little more.  You will have an enormous wave of self-satisfaction sweep over you as you realize your taxes are helping so many people live a better life.  You’ll take great joy as you see a raggety old bum shuffle into a Starbucks for a free cup of latte, perhaps for the first time ever.  You’ll get a tingle when you see an obese lady able to buy a grocery cart load of National brand potato chips with her food stamps.  You’ll have a sense of satisfaction watching 10 government-subsidized workers filling a pothole on Main Street, knowing that each will be bringing home a paycheck to momma.  And it’s all because you Paid Up and Shut up.  Join us.

Good night, friends.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including town hall secret tapings.

Special committee recommends defaulting on National debt

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July 9th, 2011 Posted 7:52 pm

The recently organized Special Presidential Committee on Debt Default has recommended that Bizarreville go ahead and just default on its National Debt. The default recommendation was unanimous among the 10-member assortment of ex-CEO’s that steerred their companies into bankruptcy proceedings, Economic college professors who are some of the country’s most brilliant minds buy have never done any real work, and a couple bankruptcy lawyers that are often seen hawking their services on TV.

“What’s the big deal?” one ex-auto industry CEO asked. “Hey, I’ve been there and it’s a non-event really. You declare bankruptcy, you stiff a few stockholders and bondholders, reorganize, throw a few execs under the bus…guys you probably wanted to deep-six anyway…call ourself the New Something-something, and it’s over before you know it. People make such a big deal of thw whole thing. Goodness sakes, it’s nothing…easier than a bicuspid root canal.”

The other committee members echoed the same sentiment. Professor Arnold Shanklard of BVU explained that the intrinsic correlation between the macro-eminent deviation matrix integer and the hypo-inflationary, pre-activated Neverland supply coefficient produces a nominal basis point rise or fall, which can be reverse de-stimulated or even repressed by global refunkatory initiative injection. That, in a nutshell, he explained, says it all. The other committee academics nodded at each other in agreement, and decided to jointly write a paper that proves their theory with plenty of graphs, that they plan to publish in the Bizarreville Business Journal.

Some critics are not so quick to suggest Default would be painless, and have even suggested the possibility of a global financial structure collapse. But the doomsayers admitted they thought the old Y2K scare was going to cause a financial system collapse, and the more recent world potato chip shortage was going to be calamitous…the former, of course, being a total non-event, while the latter just causing a spike in cheeseball consumption which eventually corrected itself.

It is likely that we will know the implications shortly. Negotiations with Congress have stalled due to their insistence on not having the proposed Bathroom Use Tax as part of the budget balancing program. “You just cannot tax the piss out of people,” a senior congressman lamented. “You got to draw the line somewhere on these so-called ‘creative’ taxes, and say we’re not going to take it anymore.”

 

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the scary ones.

The Price is Fright game show

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June 13th, 2010 Posted 1:53 am

Nancy Pelosi…come on down!!  You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright.  Whooop, whooop, whooop.  Okay contestants, here we go.  Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?priceisfright

Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!!  These are not just any jobs.  They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever.  From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy.  Nancy?

I’ll bid $100 billion.

Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker.  Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery.  Harry?

Yeah, that’s way too high for jobs that are basically make-work jobs.  Come on, give me a break.  I’ll say $78 billion.

Okay, now we’re getting serious.  Joe….you’re next…

I’ll bid one dollar.

One dollar for 100 jobs??  Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind.  Okay, one dollar.  Barack?

It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price.  It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy.  These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning.  And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs?  You can’t ….

Barack, Barack….please, man.  Just shut up.  Shut your cake hole, and give me a freaking bid already.

$62 billion.  There….you happy now?  You dirty, good-for-nothing mother mrrrrr,  mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, mrrrrr….

Thank you.  Retail price….$62 billion!!  Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot.  How did you ever do that?

It’s easy, Bob.  He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers.  He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal.  If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion.  Are you that naive?

Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw.  Am I right?  A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy?  Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?

No, Bob.  I don’t care if he always wins.  I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity.  We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will.  Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job.  No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.

(Buzzzzzz).  I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today.  But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements.  Until then,  good night friends.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even game shows

Idaho sold to the Chinese, taters and all

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March 2nd, 2010 Posted 12:48 am

In a move that will have old Tom Jefferson turning in his grave, the US government inked a deal to sell the state of Idaho to China.  The move was brought about from increasing pressure by the Chinese on the out-of-control US National debt, mostly being funded by China.  Chinese finance ministers indicated they were tired of accepting the flimsy US dollar as the sole form of asset transfer, and wanted to branch into something a tad more solid.idaho

Negotiations had been underway for several months.  China had originally asked to buy Florida, while the US countered with New Mexico.  When one member of the Chinese due diligence delegation got bit by a sidewinder while on a New Mexico trip, they became furious.  The US delegation desperately tried to point out the rich natural beauty with amazing rock formations, but the Chinese team leader said, “It’s a freaking desert,  a$$#ole.”  Both sides finally settled on Idaho.

The decision was not without controversy.  Lobbyists for the fast food industry argued that Idaho’s potato industry is absolutely critical in the junk food supply chain.  “Without Idaho, the McDonald’s french fry that you’ve grown to love and cherish will be pooof, gone.  Better get used to the idea of ordering fried rice with your burger.”

A letter has gone out to all Idaho residents from the Chinese government stating that they will provide help and support during the transition, and allow them a full 12 months to move out of the state.  An extra 3 months will be granted for citizens who are hospitalized, debilitated, or severely handicapped.  Montana has offered assylum for the displaced Tatermongers.

One question still unresolved is whether Chinese Americans would be able to stay in Idaho.  China has proposed that they could each be interviewed, and if their belief system has not been totally brainwashed by capitalism concepts, then they would be permitted to remain in Idaho.  “But the first time they start doing any of that free speech crap, or blabber about making money, whoooosh, out they go,” the transition minister said.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The Toothless Budget Deficit Commission

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February 19th, 2010 Posted 12:52 am

The President had announced with great fanfare the birth of a new Budget deficit reduction commission…a blue ribbon committee charged with taking a close examination of the deficit and deciding what actions could be taken.

But there was a problem, which staffers inside the White house later described as a cluster F#&*.  The President had privately instructed his Deficit Czar to organize a toothless effort to study deficit reduction.  And naturally, the obedient-to-a-fault Czar started tracking-down and recruiting candidates with no teeth.

toothlessHe had started with the National Hockey League, particularly with retired players who played in the era when men were men…no helmets, no mouthguards, proud of getting into bloodbaths on the ice and pulling the jersey over an opponent’s head.  These guys proudly displayed their toothless displays as a badge of honor.  But, unfortunately, these fellows, a bit battered from too many slap-shot pucks to the noggin, said they were not interested unless they would hold the committee meetings on the ice.

Next they went to the Bizarreville Affordable Dentures office to do some recruiting in the lobby.  But a lot of these people were only about as smart as a congressman, so could not pass the basic intelligence test.  Plus, the Czar was not sure if people with false teeth truly qualified as “toothless”, and he was just a bit too nervous to ask the President for clarification.

But finally the team managed to scrape together enough toothless wonders to have a meeting, and the cuts began.  The first item to get cut was, as no surprise, all government-sponsored dental care.  All dental programs for government employees, military personnel, and officials would be gone…zip.  Savings would be in the multiple billions.

Next item cut:  Food Stamps.  Their rationale was if people don’t have food, they can go to the soup kitchens like the rest of us.  Or they can just make their own soup, just like grammaw used to do.  More billions.

Third cut:  All earmarks.  No one at the toothless table knew what an earmark was.  So they just cancelled them all.  More billions.

The Gummers started going nuts on all the frivolous spending on National Endowment of the Arts, studies of Polar Bear mating habits in Alaska, embryonic stem cell research, and Acorn – whatever the hell that is.  They cut out Medicaid completely but agreed to provide each current Medicaid recipient with a bottle of Vicks VapoRub to help with the transition. 

In the end, the Toothless Deficit Commission cut out hundreds and hundreds of little streams that were flowing into Pisswater Channel, and figured out how to balance the whole budget without a tax increase.  But when they presented their study to the President, he looked puzzled and dumbfounded.  All he could say was, “Ahhh…errr…ummm…duh…I mean….hmmmmm.”  But the President thanked the committee for their good work, complimented them on their wholesome “rural beauty”, but indicated that he had to leave for a security briefing in 5 minutes as he gave them the bum’s rush.

He gently placed the study into File 13 on his way out the oval office door.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Pounce, bounce, and punt program

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February 2nd, 2010 Posted 1:52 pm

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”checkbook

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.

The Amazing Race in Spending to November

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January 4th, 2010 Posted 1:42 pm

Yes, Friends…welcome to the Amazing Race to November, where the Bizarreville Congress will be challenged to ascertain how much worthless left-wing nutcase spending they can possibly do in just over 10 months.  The contestants know they’re getting swiftly booted out of their jobs in November, so by golly, they’ve got to work fast, damn fast, to get it done while there’s still no one who can effectively hold them accountable or slow their pace.race

Remember, in the Amazing Race to November game, contestants get extra “style” point for ramming-through projects that are especially laughable in the eyes of our judges.  Research projects into the behaviors of stupid friggin’ animals, construction projects with no tangible benefits whatsoever, and anything that has the words “space” and “laboratory” in it are always solid qualifiers.  But judges will be looking for new deeper levels of creativity, not only in the project synopsis itself, but also in the ridiculousness of the supporting rationale.  Contestants are all reminded that they must make the judges laugh, real belly-rollers are certain to garner these bonus points.

Congress people are currently very busy with their bloated staffs trying to scrape up wasteage ideas, pulling records/notes that go back 30-40 years for shot-down projects and lame-brain funding requests that now have this once-in-a-lifetime shot at slipping into the 2010 frenzy.  One item, for example, is to completely restore the disco records blown up at the Sox game in the late 1970’s…a troubled project for decades, but now looking like a winner.

Congress is getting help from the Network of Inept Non-profit Non-functionals (NINN), the clearinghouse for coordinating/administering handouts to agencies too inept to make it on their own.  NINN always has a long running list of creepy, weepy adhocs who can turn on a dime to spend millions when extra cash is available.  A subsidiary organization of NINN, called Professors Too Inept to Teach (PTIT) also has a list of “shovel ready” university research projects to keep its research professors busy spinning wheels on inconsequentialness…and naturally keep them out of the classrooms where they can do real damage.  Suffice it to say, there are infinite places to whiz away money.

The Winner of the Amazing Race to November will be the Congress person who amasses the highest wasteful spending dollar count, plus the biggest earmark slush fund, combined with stupidity laugh points…a net total that should most certainly guarantee him/her a landslide loss in November for such blatant irresponsibility.  As a consolation, the winner will receive a lifetime guest spot on the interminable PBS pledge drives, an honorary pubah designation with the Acorn organization, and a commemorative set of gold-plated “McGovern for President” campaign buttons.  He/she will also get some kind of road, alley, or at least a ditch named after him/her somewhere in Bizarreville.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real or seem like they should be real.

Senators take pledge to stop their bad, stinky habits

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January 3rd, 2010 Posted 5:57 pm

Bizarreville senators have just taken a solemn pledge to stop smoking.  Turns out, most of the senators are smokers.  And the liberal senators are the worst, smoking continuously…lighting off the next one from the butt of the last one.  But now they’ve decided to all take the pledge to stop.

pledgeIt has always been strange to see these esteemed people conducting themselves in a manner that they know is so detrimental to their future health.  They are all extremely smart people, college educated, most with graduate degrees who fully understand the consequences of near-term pleasure vs. long-term jeopardy.  Yet, for whatever reason, probably aided/abetted by peer pressure from their smoke-aholic colleagues, they continue the bad practice.  Clearly, it has been a strong addiction, a spiral they have been unable to pull out of.

And the Senate rules have not helped them.  Years ago, rules permitted smoking only 10 cigarettes in the Chambers per day.  Then, under pressure, they raised it to 12, then 15, then a pack/day.  They held it at one pack for a few years, driven by the few non-smokers who had trouble breathing the stench, and who tried to interject just a little discipline in these knuckleheads.  But finally, the majority won out, and they raised the ceiling to 1.5 packs, then 2 packs, and recently to 2.5 packs.  Some cynics wonder why they don’t just make the ceiling “unlimited” rather than going through the stupid charade every so often.  “No, we really, really want to try to discipline ourselves,” say Senate leaders as they draft up new rules to go to 2.7 packs.

New incoming freshman senators normally are non-smokers when they arrive.  But within 3 months, they become addicted via inhaling the intense secondary smoke cloud…and seem to quickly lose their sensibility.  A few holdouts have remained non-smokers, and have come to the Chambers donning gas masks to make a point.  Naturally, they just get laughed at.

But now…pressured by the Public who has already given this Class of senators the lowest favorability rating in world history…just slightly above the inmates at Gitmo, and slightly below Kim Jong Il…now they have enacted this Pledge to stop smoking.  This has been a headline story nationwide, but the press release was carefully crafted to say (in the smallest font possible) that there would be some “special circumstances” when smoking would be permitted, “…at times when the Body is under considerable tension and stress…”

Official spokespeople have been vague when asked about specific examples that fit under the Special Circumstance clause.  But inside sources say that anytime anyone is at the podium speaking or anytime the Body is voting would be 2 examples that fit the tension/stress criteria.

Pollsters are early-estimating that this pseudo-pledge could take them below the Gitmo boys.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are purely fictional, even the ones that sound like they are real.