Posts Tagged ‘obamacare’
January 6th, 2011 Posted 2:07 am
Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority. They have stated that it is a program that no one wants: businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan. If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?
“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied. “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed. These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors. They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.” He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance. These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.
“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter. “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”
“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied. “You gotta beef? Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie. No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders. That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless. After all, jobs are jobs.”
Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed. He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction. “Next step: We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs. The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more. Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”
April 14th, 2010 Posted 2:28 am
During an interview a couple weeks ago, Congressman John Dingell from Michigan had an inadvertant slip of the tongue and let out the administration’s next series of strategies in the Change You Can Believe In program. Dingell is the longest serving congressman in the House, having been reelected an amazing 26 times. He has kept the liberal vision alive during all that time, and with the recent change in power, seems was just unable to control his exhuberence.
Dingell was quoted saying: “…it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that will have to be taken to put legislation together to control the people.” The ‘control the people’ phrase set off a firestorm in conservative camps who immediately started probing into the next shoe-drop in the move toward socialism that is expected to be proposed by summer. Under huge pressure, Mr. Edlard Smurf, spokesman for the administration finally relented and addressed the crowds.
“John has let the freaking cat out of the bag on our yet-to-be-announced program on tighter people control. I guess he has been supporting this move for so long, that he just could no longer hold it in. No matter. Affectionately known as Project ViceGrip around here, it will be intended to quickly bring an end to the out-of-control freedoms that have simply lingered too long. People have unfortunately been given too much choice…where to live, where to go for french fries, how to dance, where to go to college, what jobs to get…on and on. And you see where it has gotten us? To a country where some people live very well, and others live like crap. It’s just not fair, the President knows it, and you know it. Our new ViceGrip program will be the great equalizer.”
Smurf references how well tight control has worked with smoking. By raising cigarette taxes and limiting where people can smoke, the government has been able to make a significant change in people’s behavior. And even though there are many people who continue to smoke, Smurf says that it is mainly confined to dirt bags, rednecks, drug users, and kids.
Smurf says that their People control program will be a comprehensive roll-out, that will eventually rein in behaviors of all kind that the Leaders feel are unhealthy, unwise, unproductive, or unfair. In some cases, there will be incentives to encourage good behavior…such as eating carrots instead of cheese balls, or walking to the market instead of driving. Specific incentives have yet to be determined, but could include things like free movie tickets to G-rated shows, a case of Granola bars, or a 6-pack of prune juice. Extraordinary good behavior could get you a free vacation in Cuba with Michael Moore as your host.
But in addition to the “carrot” approach, there will also be the “stick” …for misbehavior such as attending Tea Party rallies, listening to Glenn Beck, or making profit in a business. Even something as simple as Working Hard will be watched closely in order to flush out anyone who tries to play the one-upsmanship game. Extra paddy wagons will be appropriated to shuttle off these ne’er-do-wells to various holding cells for remedial realignment retraining.
ViceGrip will be extended to the college admission process by nationalizing all colleges. Smurf says that there is no feasible way to reach true equality over who gets in and who gets tossed…so a select Committee will decide. And their decision will not be based solely on the semi-unfair traditional measures such as high school grades or the SAT scores. No, the Committee will have the latitude to consider all objective and subjective factors when making their assignments…with the watchword being “equalizing”. Smurf said that those egghead prima donnas with the 1600 SAT scores may just find themselves enrolled at Bumf*#!k University next semester.
Dingell was later reached for comment, and said that he had originally wanted just a little more government control, but ViceGrip takes it far beyond his wildest dreams. When asked how his suburban Detroit constituents will react to ViceGrip and whether this could influence his ability to go for a 27th term, Dingell said “I don’t really give a sh!*t. I’m ready to retire anyway.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.
April 6th, 2010 Posted 11:24 pm
The President, during his “Suck up to America” national tour was given a surprise pop mid-term exam by an Econ 101 instructor. It was a simple 1-question exam. She asked: With the incredibly horrible economic conditions and so many people out of work, do you think now would be a wise time to roll-out your proposed tax increases? Most onlookers thought this was an easy “A” for the President.
Of course, the correct response was a simple “No”. Just for good measure, 100 onlookers were given the chance to also answer the question, and 93% got it correct…even 5 pre-teens who did not even know how to spell Economics, and one well-trained poodle.
Unfortunately, however, the President did not provide the correct answer…he did not provide the simple “No” response. Normally, this would have earned him a flat “F”. But the President went on blabbering for a full 17 minutes in response to this simple yes/no question, rambling into off-tangent subjects such as How to keep jamming Health Care down throats, nationalizing the Porta-john businesses, and improving foreign relations with Mozambique. When he completed his ramble-thon, he asked the puzzled instructor whether he had answered her question.
The Test Board had no choice but to issue him an F-minus on this mid-term for “incoherency beyond obnoxion, and a profound lack of basic economic knowledge.” Sad.
But the Test Board reminded him that it is not too late. He still has an outside chance to Ace the final, and still get a passing grade. Clearly he will have to buckle down, stop eating CheetO’s, read his assigned Econ 101 material…not just look at the pictures or grab the Cliff Notes version of Basic Economics…and study a little harder. He must also avoid the temptation to read the “alternate” revisionist version of Economics authored by such crackerjacks as Homer Simpson, Keith Ubernerd, Michael Moore, or Pee Wee Herman…unless, of course, he wants to become the Millard Fillmore of the 21st Century. He will have to demonstrate that he has a grasp on what it takes to create real jobs, as opposed to the hypothetical virtual job creating stats that his flunkies keep feeding him.
He may be forced to dust off a Milton Friedman text or even listen to Bill O’Reilly bloviations to rinse out whatever Obamonomic toxins are clouding his thought process in order to get that passing grade. Fans are pulling for him.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.
April 2nd, 2010 Posted 2:00 pm
Last Wednesday, a decrepid old codger- coughing, wheezing, and walking with a cane - showed up at the Capitol flailing his arms and warning of impending disaster. He claimed that he was Thomas F. Wilson, the actor who played Biff in the Back to the Future movies, but clearly he appeared to be a much older fart than Wilson. He demanded an audience with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid, or at least a 15 minute spot on Hard Ball. All requests were denied.
Wilson said that, unbelievable as it may seem, he just arrived here, having travelled back from the future in a converted Toyota Prius. “They couldn’t find a DeLorean when the scientists finally invented the flux capacitor, and there were a lot of unsold Prius’ in dealer lots gathering dust,” Wilson quipped.
But Wilson quickly changed to the subject at hand. He said that some punk kid named Karl Pelosi had stolen the Prius in 2025, went back from the future to 2008, maybe even earlier, to engineer the fake bank crisis that led to the 2008/2009 recession. “By doing that, he created an alternate space-time continuum that you are living today. It allowed the ascendancy of Pelosi and Reid, and the election of Obama that has put the country on a path toward the destruction of capitalism and loss of economic freedom, which will happen gradually in the next 7 years.
Wilson said he tried to program the Prius to take him back prior to the Senate Health Care vote in late 2009 in order to try and change the vote of Ben Nelson, infamous turncoat senator from Nebraska. “But the darn accelerator pedal stuck and it dropped me here. Really need to fix that stupid thing before I end up in the friggin’ Middle Ages.”
He then rolled out the upcoming series of events in the current reality: the Obamacare program could never be overturned, despite many attempts. The Public Option was rammed through in 2011 on a “Reconciliation vote”, ultimately causing the end of private insurance plans. “I had to wait 6 months to get a prescription for my hemmoroids, for crying out loud.”
Wilson recounted that the momentum Liberals get from Obamacare passage then help them nationalize the rest of the auto industry, the oil industry, the basic materials industries, and the media networks. In 2015, they rename the Jefferson Memorial the “People’s Memorial” and allow graffiti artists to display their creative expression on the walls. “They put a free condom dispenser where the old statue was standing,” Wilson lamented.
He said the November 2010 elections are a key turning point along this continuum. In the current reality, Liberals hold onto both houses barely, but just enough to keep jamming through their socialist agenda at this critical time. By 2012, there are so many people on the government dole, on “Expanded Welfare” that covers half the middle class, on the “Food Stamps Plus Beer Stamps” program, on the “Grown Up Kids without Jobs” program, on the “Call In Sick from Work and Still Get Paid” program, and/or on the “Totally Open Immigration” program that they end up with a quasi-permanent majority of voters who are indebted to them. Conservatives lose their voice when talk radio is forced to adopt the ‘equal time’ provision in early 2012 and becomes so boring that people return to listening to classic rock.
While Wilson was railing about making a difference in the upcoming November elections, he started fading away. “I think that idiot Karl Pelosi stole another Prius, went back, and started dating my mom. I gotta go.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the time travel stuff.
March 30th, 2010 Posted 2:23 am
Several states in the Midwest and South hurriedly passed new laws prohibiting citizens from using the new “N” word in public. It is hoped that tougher enforcement will control the outbreaks in violence that have occurred since the Obamacare bill was passed, and the emergence of this new derogatory term.
The first reported incident happened in a cozy little bar in a small Indiana town, when one slightly inebriated tea partier called a middle-of-the-road independent “Nancy” in front of all the bar patrons. Before you knew it, there were “Nancy” calls being shouted throughout the bar, leading to fistfights, broken bar stools, and many pints of spilled beer. No apologies were given.
The story made national news, as an example of the pent-up frustration and anger stemming from the hyper-partisanship over the Health Care debate, and the raging disappointment over the performance of the nincompoops in Washington. But others around the country soon jumped on the bandwagon, and Nancy cat-call incidents started popping up here, there, and everywhere.
Most leaders seemed to understand that there was frustration. But using the Nancy-word took it to a new level…using a term that has come to mean an unscrupulous lying incompetent commie bozo…ouch. Chiefs of police around the country have said that there is no way that they will allow this kind of pinko epithet to go unchallenged in today’s politically correct world….and will be invoking a no-tolerance policy on the name callers with harsh consequences.
Curiously, liberals have recently called other liberals “Nancy” supposedly as a term of endearment. However, when overheard by anyone right of Mao, snickers and chuckles have ensued…as they made fun of the naive guy who just got slammed by his buddy.
Police say that the crackdown on Nancy-catcallers has begun, and is being applied whether used as endearment or used as a mega-insult. “We can’t take chances,” said one chief. “We will assume anyone using the term is being derogatory with it.”
Girls named Nancy have complained that no one will be able to call them now, without fear of punishment and possible jail time. Officials say that they understand the predicament, but have advised them to change their names to Mona.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but most of you figured that out already.
March 28th, 2010 Posted 2:19 pm
Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”. It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970′s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land. Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation. And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other. Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.
Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines. They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you. And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!” Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story: good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.
The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook. He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public. But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost. He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims. “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”
Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable. The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.
March 26th, 2010 Posted 1:45 am
Complaints have been registered across the country pertaining to that sharp increase in the bothersome whooshing noise that cropped up on Sunday. Ear Nose & Throat doctor offices have seen their waiting lines grow to a staggering half-block long. But, unfortunately, the docs have been unable to offer their flustered patients any immediate remedy.
The Sucking Sound had been first warned by Ross Perot back in the Summer of 1992. But his crackpot style made people refuse to take him seriously. Nevertheless, he had forewarned of the Suckphonic Disturbance during campaigning, cautioning citizens to take action to prevent the calamity. And for many years, although the suck became somewhat louder and louder, it had never quite reached the eardrum implosion level, until Sunday.
Several citizens complained that their wallets had literally gotten sucked out of their pants pockets as they walked along the sidewalk. They would chase after the illusive sucked-away billfold, but when they caught up to it, all the bills had been sucked out, along with credit cards, medical insurance cards, and Lotto tickets. Only photos of mama and condoms were left in the battered wallets.
Other citizens claimed that the giant suck pulled zeroes right out of their IRA’s, instantly turning $200 thousand balances into 20 bucks. One guy claimed it sucked so hard on his 401-K that it took a positive $90 thousand balance and turned it into a negative 90K.
“How can that happen?!?” screamed the outraged middle-aged investor. “Easy,” his liberal/progressive congressman said. “It’s called sharing the wealth, sharing the dream, giving the less-fortunate a leg up…and teaching you greedy bastards a lesson. Complain a little louder, punk, and we’ll crank it up to Mega-Suck, and get your deficit into 6 digits. ”
Meanwhile, however, the loud sucking sound is getting irritating, even to the sponge crowd. They would like the same suck, but just less noise. Since no one knows how to do that, lawmakers are expected to approve a multi-billion dollar grant for a high-level research project to study Quiet Suck technology at a designated left-leaning elitist college. The money will come out of the new Health care slush fund.
March 20th, 2010 Posted 5:07 pm
Luis Gutierrez, representative from Illinois, was the latest in the series of Dems who have indicated plans to switch from No to Yes on the upcoming Obamacare vote. Mr. Gutierrez was asked why he switched.
“Originally, I thought the Obamacare program sucked, sucked bad. I was concerned, along with my constituents, that the government takeover of one-sixth the economy was not what we wanted, the death panels were a bad idea, and the trillion dollar cost tab was obnoxious. Furthermore, I felt that we shouldn’t make the taxpayer pay for sex change operations or male enhancement hormone therapy. But what really irked me was when I heard that the new bill would not allow illegal immigrants to participate. I was flabbergasted at this unfair act of blatant discrimination.
“But I met with the President, and he helped put it all in a better perspective. He told me that the evil Health Insurance companies were busy building a Death Star to blow up the planet, similar to the one that destroyed Alderaan. Those insurance creeps have been using the enormous profits raked from our poor citizens to finance the construction work, and it was slated for completion within 4 years. He said if we don’t stop them, crush them, they will complete the Death Star, relocate all their favored people onto it, and super-laser beam the earth. The President also mentioned that he had inside information that there would be zero illegal aliens invited to board the Death Star…zip, nada.
“I knew that the Insurance companies were bad guys, but I never knew they were this nasty. I knew they were indiscriminately jacking our rates up, but I never knew where all the money was going. I thought that the rates were going up to pay for more technologically-advanced diagnostic equipment and extensive medical treatment facilities to prolong life. Now I find out it has been used for technologically-advanced evil spacecraft to extend life for these extra-terrestial wannabes. Man, was I wrong on that one! No clue.”
Obamacare bill opponents told Gutierrez that the Death Star garbage was pure crap. They laughed and said there is no such thing as a Death Star, and even if there was, they certainly wouldn’t blast Earth. But Gutierrez responded that this was the honest-to-goodness President telling him this information, and there is no way he would ever make up that kind of stuff. Luis said we need to support Obamacare immediately and snuff out these Insurance freaks and all their illicit buddies before we all end up vaporized.
Gutierrez looks at it from a practical standpoint now: a trillion dollars to save the entire planet? Easy choice. “I’m on board with the President on this one.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.
March 19th, 2010 Posted 12:57 am
BB: Looks like the House is going to try to pass the Senate bill by some flakey “deem and pass” rule so they don’t have to actually vote on this package of sheer stupidity. Is that okay with you?
BO: I don’t give a s#!% what procedural tom foolery they use to jam it through…just so long as the pass the friggin thing and I sign it.
BB: We asked our viewers to email suggested questions. More than 18 thousand took time to email them in. Here’s one from California asking why all the intimidation, arm twisting, seedy deals…
BO: Pfffft….18 thousand? That’s nothing. I could line up 40 thousand left wing kooks in less than 15 seconds who want more arm twisting, more seediness, and a hell of a lot more intimidation. That’s why I’ve been stumping to intimidate these fence sitters.
BB: But these are real people…
BO: People, shmeeple. Most of them don’t know what’s good for them. It’s like when our moms forced castor oil down our throats when we were sick kids. We just held our nose and gulped it down. If we had a vote in those days, the castor oil company would be out of business.
BB: But what about all these skanky deals, like the Connecticut deal…
BO: The who….what???
BB: The Connecticut 100 million bucks for the hospital deal, or Montana special asbestos program, or Florida’s special deal on Medicare. The people in Bumf%*k , New Jersey are wondering when their sweetheart package is coming down the pike? People are saying this whole process is butt-ugly.
BO: Okay, sure. I, too, called this whole dealmaking process an “ugly” process at the Summit last month. But the fact is, you have to do a certain amount of ugly stuff to get the votes. I don’t like it, Harry Reid doesn’t like it, Nancy doesn’t like it…but it’s just something we have to do to get stuff passed. The Republicans did the same thing when they were in charge.
BB: But, sir, they did it on chicken sh!# bills. You are doing it on a bill that will impact one-sixth of the US economy. One sixth, dude…
BO: Yes, but we’re not transforming one-sixth of the economy all in one fell swoop. It’s going to take a dozen swoops, maybe two dozen swoops before we get this health care program completely controlled by government. I rejected a lot of strong demands from the Left who wanted a much quicker transition to socialized medicine. But I said: ‘Whoa…hold off until Swoop #3 or #4 with those notions so we don’t totally freak out the country with our master plans.’ You see I’m trying to act like a centrist, and work with the other side.
BB: The Congressional Budget Office has said the $500 billion you say you’re going to save on Medicare is not even being spent on Medicare today. Are you just making this stuff up as you go along?
BO: Yes, partly. It’s kind of like what we did when we talked about job loss avoidance. There are really not any new jobs being created, but how can you spin that kind of bad news? Easy, just talk about how many jobs might have been lost if we didn’t do these goofy programs. We have excellent analysts who can gin up these fictitious numbers to make it sound good to the public…
BB: Sir, you are filibustering again. With all due respect, could you just answer the question without all your mindless blabbering?
BO: The point is, yes, we play a numbers game…shifting money between accounts, so that we can say we saved here or there…when in fact we’ll be spending cash out the ying-yang. Some people have figured it out, but honestly, most citizens are too dumb to know the difference, especially our core voters. They don’t care about the $500 billion, they just care about getting that sales price on the Cheeto’s at WalMart.
BB: Well, sir, we’re almost out of time. One last question: if this Obamacare bill doesn’t pass, does this mean you will be considered by historians to be the most incompetent president since Millard Fillmore?
BO: You’re a pretty funny guy. I’m surprised you haven’t gone on the comedy club circuit, rather than hanging around the Creepsville at Fox. Time to wrap this one up. Good night.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. But you probably figured that out already.
March 18th, 2010 Posted 12:43 am
“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it,” Nancy Pelosi said recently in describing her intended path forward on the Obamacare bill. Naturally, sound bites can be taken out of context and misinterpreted, so Bizarreville brings you the full speech made by Ms. Pelosi to better understand this odd-ball quote.
“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it. Truly no one knows what’s in the bill because it keeps changing minute by minute, as we layer skanky deals, sleazy kickbacks, and other unconscionable wizardry to get reluctant lawmakers to get with the friggin program. Honestly, no one up here knows what’s in this bill or any other bill for that matter. It just takes too long to read the darn things. To tell you the truth, I haven’t read a single bill since I got this gig. Most of them are so full of legal garblety gook that I start dozing off after page one…yawn…I get sleepy even talking about it. Got any No Doze? Besides, I have high-paid flunkies to read this crap. If there’s something I need to know, they’ll tell me.
“But the real point is: it does not matter what’s in this particular bill. Content is irrelevant. It’s about taking over the Health care program….duhhh. It’s a cornerstone in our revolution to get rid of the greedy private insurance companies that are making outrageous 3-percent profit margins, and get everyone and their uncle on the government dole… with the program controlled by smart people in high offices, rather than the whims of the so-called market. Haven’t you all figured that out yet? We’re going to be introducing the 100% Public program soon….oops, I mean public option….I keep forgetting it’s an ‘option’ (ha, ha). We’ll turn Blue Cross into Blue Sauce by this time next year.
“But the real question is how to get this thing passed. I’m not exactly sure how we’re going to pass the bill, but we will pass it one way or the other. We may vote on it if we have the votes. Or we may skip the voting process and just ‘deem’ it passed. I like the deem approach personally. Think I might deem myself a trip to Bermuda, or deem myeself a new 5-karat diamond ring…maybe deem myself a raise to pay for it all. Yeah, deeming…glad we thought of it. Deem a few Republicans to go jump off a bridge with a couple cases of tea bags in their arms.
“But listen, here’s the deal. We’ll pass the Obamacare bill…incidently why haven’t you guys called it Pelosi-Care….I think I deserve at least partial credit for it all. Then we’ll eventually figure out how it will work, and pass whatever bills we need to get it done. That’s it…simple. For the life of me, I don’t understand why everyone wants to make this thing so complicated.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
March 14th, 2010 Posted 1:23 pm
The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing. It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events. The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events. It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.
The Translator works like this: Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue. The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener. For example:
The citizen comment is… The Translator will spit out….-We need more jobs -We need new Health care -Lower taxes for everyone to -Raise taxes only on people making an help the economy really grow income. More rebates for people who pay no tax at all. -Less government intrusion into -Need to get Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity our daily lives off the air. They are too subversive, and keep talking about our Founding fathers, Ronald Reagan, and other old farts. -Need a lot more jobs now. Jobs, -Need speedier implementation of Health jobs, jobs, jobs. Get it??? Care. It’s the Health Care, Stupid!! -Unemployment is at a 50-year -Bastard companies are exporting jobs high. What are you doing about it? to China to get that cheap labor. Need to punish them more or just nationalize -People are defaulting on their -Greedy bankers are screwing the mortgages and losing homes common man. Need to hang them out to dry, and force banks to stay open on Holidays, as punishment. -We like our current Health Care -Nasty health insurance companies are plan. Don’t F#&! with it screwing us. We poor souls don’t know any better, but you’ll save us -I need you to start listening to me, -You’re a handsome devil. Weren’t you really listening to me on the latest cover of GQ?
The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.
March 13th, 2010 Posted 2:46 pm
At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House. Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need. One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker. Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer. Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way. Pretty sweet…”
Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd. Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson. Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary. They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.
But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts. Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection. They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement. These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.
Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington. Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.