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Posts Tagged ‘congress’

The Bizarreville Chronicles

The line had 100 people in front of him.  One hundred bodies fuming from having to wait for one of two highly unmotivated, thoroughly discharged clerks to finally get to his or her number.  “62,414” blared the loudspeaker.  Was this the number of people this week?  This month?  He looked at his ticket…62,513, now only a mere 99 shmucks to wait for.  This was just to get a damn drivers license renewal…not an unemployment compensation check, or a donated kidney, or anything that made more sense to be waiting for.  The photo camera must be on the fritz or something.  Why else would there be such a nonsensical queue?

He thought himself to be better than the shlubs and shlubettes that were supposed to be in long lines like this.  After all, he was a prestigious lawyer who became a congressman, with a law practice on the side, not some ordinary Joe.  Joes, yes, they should wait in lines.  They had much less important things to do today…hey, maybe this little exercise was the highlight of their drab day.

He thought back to the old days when his life was more drab…back to the days just after graduating college with no job offers in his field of study.  A friend of an uncle had convinced him that Entomology was the hot career of the next century.  Fact is: he truly did thoroughly enjoy his Masters thesis work researching/examining the Eating Habits of the Housefly.  But, sadly, no corporate recruiters seemed to make the seemingly obvious connection on how this unique skillset could help guide them on their roads to excellence.  Vinnie Shlango did, however, when he offered him the pizza delivery job, instructing him to get creative in devising clever diversions to keep those nasty flies from buzzing the pizzas in the back of the van.  Even that drab job had its interesting moments.  Never did quite figure out if it was the pizza itself or the diversion that caused so many customers to complain.  Could have been the box made of recycled paper…who knows what sleazy components could have gone into that mixing tub?  62, 415 squawked the speaker.

Maybe he would introduce a bill into congress to address this ridiculous bureaucratic nightmare of simple license renewal.  Could be a tough sell to his colleagues who tended to favor complex bureaucracy and dismiss simplicity.  This was the organization, after all, that figured out how to make the Postal Service less efficient, more customer un-friendly, and more costly…accomplishing what was known as the “Trifecta” in their little circles.  The Licensing function clearly already had 2 of the 3 legs, and probably just needed a fee redoubling to get the third.  62, 416.

He was gradually becoming a convert to the notion that people wanted rules and procedures, not so-called freedom.  Freedom meant unfairness to many people, giving free rein to exploiters to run amok and trample the exploitees.  Thinking back, hell, even Vinnie was a friggin’ exploiter, demanding a cut in all his delivery boys’ tips to “help pay for gas.”  All that Econ 101 Milton Friedman Free to Choose malarkey was just capitalist propaganda, assuming that people were smart enough to make their own wise choices.  Ha, wishful thinking!  These were people who struggled on whether to watch the NFC or AFC game of the week, let alone make decisions on whether to put in an extra hour on the job, or sign up for a course to advance their education.  62, 417.

A lady’s voice came across the loudspeaker saying that the office would close in 15 minutes, and that all those with numbers above 62,426 could come back tomorrow when the count would resume.  She apologized for the long wait, saying they were just shorthanded today, and maybe it would be better tomorrow.  She encouraged everyone to not lose their ticket, or else would have to get a new number at the back of the line.  One line-waiter got frustrated and belligerent, yelling out “This is bull$#!t.”  Within 3 seconds, a security officer confiscated his ticket and whisked him out the door.  A hummmm resonated through the crowd.

The congressman pulled out his Blackberry and sent a message cancelling all meetings for the next day, and putting meetings the following day on tentative hold.  Trifecta potential for sure, he thought.  62, 418.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Nothing in real life could be this crazy.

Bizarreville Congress 1 month vacation

The Bizarreville Congress has left to take a well-deserved vacation after months upon months of difficult, physically demanding wheel-spinning, accountability dodging, high horse riding, wagon circling, and ball fumbling.  Anyone who has ever ridden a bicycle knows how much energy it takes to overcome a rider who is continually dragging his feet…it can be extremely tiring.  Add to that the mental stress/strain of people who really and truly want to make important things happen, but are just too stupid to figure out how to do it.  Grueling.

“People who call us a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing sleep walkers do not begin to understand the tough physical and mental challenge of our jobs,” one Bizarreville congressman commented.  “Take Immigration Reform…imagine yourself sitting through days and days of all-day meetings, debating the same crap about border security walls, pathway to citizenship amnesty, and local enforcement crazies over and over again ad nauseum.  You tell me anyone who would not desperately need a month long vacation after that torture.  Brother, you won’t find anybody.”

Some have argued that they should take the rest of the year off, talk to their constituents, contemplate their navels, hit the beach, and come back with some sort of notion on what to do.  Others have said, if they did that, most would probably get accosted by their citizens, left beaten-up in roadside ditches, and not make it back for the next round of votes.

One congressman had a novel idea, suggesting that the public just give them all “early retirement” packages, just like corporations do to rid themselves of deadwood.  “We need to embrace the Best Practices from our friends in Free Enterprise, rather than trying to always reinvent the broken wheel ourselves.  I would be willing to be a guinnea pig, or trial balloon, and accept a package myself.”  Unfortunately the congressman dozed off before he could complete his thought process.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Some seem a little more real than others, though.  Notice:  Get ready for our all new book, “Bizarreville Campfire Stories”, available at Amazon.  It is a collection of 36 fun stories of hyjinx and satire, the kind of stuff you will love.  More coming soon.

Truth in Lawmaking

Despite bi-partisan dissatisfaction, the President signed the new Truth in Lawmaking Act in a poppy garden ceremony yesterday.  The new law will require that legislators and other government officials be completely honest in development and communication of new laws, budgets, and other mischievious political dealings.  As expected, both parties issued scathing rebuttals, with threats that the Act could unravel the very framework of the legislative body.

The law had been initiated after a nationwide referendum.  87% of the public favored a truth in lawmaking rule; the other 13% turned out to be government employees.

The law will no longer allow congress to call a reduction in the amount of funding increase a “cut”.  A cut will have to be a cut, which is defined in the Act as an actual reduction versus current spending.  A “sizeable cut” will require a 15% real reduction or more.  A “huge cut” will require a 30% hacking.  A reduction in the amount of increase will hereafter be called a “smaller increase”.

Politicians will be forced to quit claiming job losses or job gains from sequesters or any other program.  A recent Bizarreville University study determined that all such claims suggesting there is a relationship between numbers of jobs and political actions of one type or other are “meritless poppycock”.  The study left open the possibility that there could, in the future, conceivably be a specific directed government program aimed at truly incentivizing an industry to build new manufacturing plants and create real, long-lasting jobs…but doubted it would ever happen, since it has never happened before.

The President pointed out that he has always supported the whole notion of truth and honesty.  An Aide had to pull him aside mid-speech, and tell him that he could no longer get away with that kind of comment any more.

States and local legislatures would be forced to comply with the new law, as well.  The concept of a temporary one-cent sales tax, used in the past purportedly to help build new schools and hire better teachers, but really used to line the pockets of cronies with ill-conceived new sidewalk programs, would be specifically prohibited.  The new Act states that any local lawmaker even suggesting such a program would be immediately impeached and forced to do 120 days of dog park cleanup duty.

The new law even extends to rogue Homeowner Association Boards who recklessly implement increases in annual dues, based on lies and deceptions.  Many such Boards were discovered to have hired inept association managers who were almost as bad as congresspeople in their lack of financial prudence, cost discipline, transparency, and character traits.  Some were found trying to jam through increases with fictional accounts of problems in order to fund their swelling budgets.  One manager, who was discovered trashing perfectly good flowers at the entrance gate in order to change-up the color scheme, threatened to leave the association and run for congress if any action was taken against her.

A spokesman for the Liberals decried the new law, stating that it infringed on the legislature’s “inalienable right” to massage facts, contort reality, and hide the fine print…so important to the lawmaking process.  He said that it would throw 200 years of history in the legislative commode, a commode that is already stopped-up with some big ones.

A Conservative spokesman said, “Ditto”.

A respresentative of the Homeowner Association Managers Union said they plan to continue to bend the truth regardless of the new law.  They claim that they are an independent governing body protected from intrusive federal regulation.  A network pundit, former judge, just laughed and said, “See you knuckleheads in Court.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in spite on any obvious similarities.

Fiscal Cliff Dropouts

Once upon a time, there were 2 congressmen.  These fellows, at one time in their lives, were very smart people.  But the draining effect of serving many years, decades, in congress emptied all their intelligence juices into the congressional sewer, forcing them to act like mindless numbskulls.  Somehow these bozos continued to get re-elected, probably because their constituents were as dumb as they were.  So they muddled through their legislative jobs, showing up occasionally, and voting Aye or Nay on stuff, normally not paying much attention to what the stuff was.  Some pundits, evaluating their lacklusterness, called them gutless weiners.  This hurt their feelings, and they claimed that such a characterization was a distortion of the truth.

One gloomy day, the two were wandering aimlessly and found themselves on the brink of a fiscal cliff.  One congressman asked the other, “Do you think we should jump?”

“That’s a good question,” the second congressman replied.

“I wasn’t really asking you to give me a letter grade on the quality of the question, sir,” the first responded.  “I was asking for your position statement.”

“I’m standing.  Right here, next to you.  Can’t you see that?  I know you have eye problems, but this is ridiculous.”

Both congressmen, in fact, had serious eyesight problems.  Neither could see much beyond his own nose.  But the first man confidently spoke that there was a pond at the bottom of the fiscal cliff that would break their fall and prevent serious injury.  He said that he thought they should go for it.

The second congressman hesitated.  He gazed across the narrow plateau, and noticed another fiscal cliff on the other side.  They both walked over, and saw what appeared to be a very deep, catastrophic drop-off into a pile of craggy impailing rocks.  “Why don’t we jump off this fiscal cliff instead?  We would get a lot less wet.  My wife gets so upset when I come home with soaking wet clothes.”

“But it’s about 10 times as big a drop.  We could get seriously skewered on those rocks at the bottom.”

“But it would take longer for it to happen.  I bet it would take almost a minute before we were shish-kabobed.  Over there on your cliff…you would get totally soaked within 3 seconds.”

“Yeah, you’re right.  I wasn’t thinking.  You know it’s really great when we work together in a bi-partisan way to solve a tough problem.  We learn so much when we work together.”

They hugged each other, and took a flying leap.  It took 43 seconds for them to get bludgeoned, far short of the one-minute prediction.  A mountain climber who witnessed the leap said they seemed happy and excited most of the way down.  He said one yelled “Cowabunga” at about the halfway point, but the other fellow yelled something that sounded like the F-word.  He was not sure if that was a positive kind of F, or a negative F…probably the latter.

Back at the Hall of Congress, the fellow congressmen of their 2 fallen comrades commended them for their bravery, and passed a resolution that history should not regard them as gutless weiners.  One freshman congressman asked why they felt the need to jump at all?  But he was pulled aside and reprimanded by a senior legislator for his lack of sensitivity in this moment of grief.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Are you surprised?

Cut, cap, balance, toss, and mop

The Bizarreville Congress continues to argue and debate spending and taxing scenarios ad nauseum, and wily congressmen are digging deep to gin up new schemes with clever-sounding, catchy names.  The most recent one, proposed by Senator J. Ribbletart Twadd, is what he called “Cut, Cap, Balance, Toss, and Mop”.  It includes an element to please everyone…or displease everyone.  No matter.

The proposition starts with a healthy, aggressive series of spending cuts.  There will naturally be the low-hanging fruit cuts of obvious goofy programs like Ant Hill Architecture Study.  But then it will get to the major cuts in all government agencies, resulting in layoffs of millions of pencil-pushing spreadsheet shufflers, thumb-twiddling admino-funk journeymen, and other office seat warmers.  Large staffs of finance clerks will be replaced by Bob from AccountTemps, and HR departments will be appropriately vaporized.  Congressmen who have enjoyed bulging staffs of administrative uber-flunkies with lavish budgets will be trimmed down to sharing Dorothy, the husky girl Friday who got lost around Tuesday.

The second element would be to Cap the Debt Ceiling.  Most legislators are in agreement on this element…the question is:  what limit?  A straw poll was taken and the ranges varied, but it seemed like consensus could be reached by calling the cap $1 quadrillion…a good round number, and certainly a cap that would allow the millions and millions of people currently sponging off the system to ween off.

Balancing the Budget is the tough one.  Congress members become brainwashed early in their terms of office that there is no need to balance, never has been a need to balance…why start now?  They are indoctrinated into the Backscratching culture, the Whats In It For Me negotiating whine, and actually take night classes on Financial Bumblenomics 101, 102, and Advanced Wasteage and Pissaways.  The thought of balancing is so abhorrent to them that it leads to the 4th element:  Toss.

Tossing of Cookies will most certainly happen as these addicted spendaholics are faced with the Balancing grim reality…the end of spending freedom as they knew it.  That internal stress/strain will pull hard on their abdominal muscles, causing massive stomach acid release, and the inevitable projectile Chow Blow.  The good news is that soon the blowing and dry heaving ends.  The bodily systems learn to adapt to the new reality of living within means.  The contracted muscles and popped-out veins begin to return to their normal state.

All that remains is the Mopping.  This could be a tough issue, given the pink-slipping of would-be moppers among the congressional flunk staff.  But that’s when the Constitutional process comes in…a new Constitutional Amendment which requires senators and congresspeople to mop up their own stinky vomit.  It is quite certain that this amendment would quickly receive the 75% state passage votes, and become law of the land.

While the Cut, Cap, Balance, Toss, Mop proposal seems logical, almost a slam-dunk in its attractiveness, it still faces some uphill battles convincing the Congressional Old Fart caucus, who may struggle seeing its merits.  Stay tuned.

 

All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sensible ones.

Epidemic of Senate deafness has Health officials worried

Bizarreville Health officials are seriously worried over the recent epidemic of total deafness among liberal senators.  They have called for an immediate confab of Ear, Nose, and Throat specialists nationwide to diagnose the source of the problem and develop a solution path, before the ailment spreads outside this group. 

The outbreak appears to have happened as the senators voted to pass the so-called “Tax Cut extension” bill.  The 2000 page bill, erroneously sold to the public as a tax cutting measure, actually contains 6000 spending earmarks, costing billions.  The earmarks include such lame-brainness as a peanut research program, mosquito trapping research, and a swine waste management study.  It was not clear if the “swine” referred to pigs or senators…or whether there was really any significant difference in the makeup of their waste products anyway.

A senior senator on the Appropriations committee was asked by reporters whether he had listened to the voice of citizens during the last election who demanded spending cuts and fiscal responsibility.  “Huh?” the senator responded.  He was then asked if he had heard the cries by voters to get the dang Federal budget deficit under control and eliminate the irresponsible Earmark program.  He answered, “What was that??  Are you talking to me?”  Another reporter asked whether he had any clue about how to balance any sort of freaking budget, or whether he and his colleagues were simply too inept to do basic math.  The senator replied, “I see your lips moving.  Are you a mime or something?  Man, it sure got quiet in here.”

An opposing party official was asked why this deafness ailment just seemed to affect the Liberals, and not the Conservatives.  He replied that he did not know what exactly they did in their caucuses, did not want to know, and was uncertain what nasty little bug was gnawing inside their auditory canals…or, for that matter, how the bugs got there in the first place.  He also expressed relief that he was not one of those ENT doctors who would have to mine through the earwax of those senators, nor peer into their heads full of jell-o.

Health officials noted that this ailment has happened before.  “Affected legislators normally do not have any long-term ill effects,” one official commented, “and seem to gain full recovery once they are swiftly booted out of office and go home.  Bed rest is really what they need, months of bed rest.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

New tax compromise infuriates King Georgers

The compromised tax deal announced by the President has infuriated a group who were thought to be his staunchest allies.  The activist group known as the King Georgers was formed soon after the Tea Party groups were formed, in direct opposition to the “teabaggers”.  Their platform is simple:  ‘More tax.  Never, never less tax.’  They believe in fiscal responsibility:  tax the piss out of people to support an ever-expanding government with everybody paying their unfair share.  Hey, life is not fair.  The King Georgers claim that there is so much work to do in terms of complete Health Care takeover, auto/steel industry nationalization, and bank/financial system totalitarianism.  And that needs to be paid for.  This recent deal of continuing the ill-advised Bush tax cuts, after promising to nuke them, is their last straw, prompting them to take to the streets.

The King Georgers staged a rally yesterday to coalesce their membership, which is mostly comprised of multi-billionaires on one hand, and people who don’t pay any taxes on the other.  There was a smattering of pseudo-intellectuals in the crowd, mostly burnt-brain college professors who were reportedly mumbling incomprehensible jibberish to themselves.  They proudly raised their flag, featuring a likeness of King George III himself, looking pissy and ready to pound some colonist butt.

“Our elected officials,” the GeorgeMaster shouted, “are continuing to let us down.  They are squandering away precious time that could be spent dreaming up new creative tax schemes, squelching slimy loopholes, and melting away frivolous deductions.  Instead they are wasting time on these incomprehensibly stupid tax cut ideas.  How do they expect to pay for the next General Motors takeover?  The next Citi Bank takeover?  The complete takeover of all media by the FCC??  We need revenue, lots of revenue to realize our bold plans for a united controlled system.”

Just then, the crowd started chanting, “Tax, tax, tax, tax.”  The echo almost made it sound like “Axe tax”, so the leader quickly hushed the crowd, lest anyone get the wrong message.

“We long for the good old days of King George III,” he continued. “A time of glory when kickbacks, bribes, and favors were the primary tools to win influence.  A time of ‘well-managed corruption’ throughout the land.  A time when vindictiveness was the answer for those who chose to be misaligned.  Where leaders would respond to Tea Party hijinx by closing the port, shutting down the city, and shooting a few rowdies if they got too confused.  We need to get back to that heavy-handedness of yore.”

Insiders on the President’s staff have unofficially responded that the King Georgers just need to show a little more patience.  “He has the same goals that you do,” he said, speaking to a gang of Georgers.  “He’s just doing a little shake & bake right now to catch the opposition off-guard.  Don’t worry, he’ll be back…then look out!  He’ll make ole King George look like Mary Poppins.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.

Dumbing down the Senate (if that’s possible)

The advancement of Mr. Alvin Greene, Democratic nominee for the Senate from South Carolina, has inspired a brand new segment of the Bizarreville population to consider seeking government office.  The so-called “air head” sector has become a larger and larger political force in the country, and many feel it is about time for this group to be fairly represented.  Besides, most everyone has realized that you do not need to be that smart to be in the Senate anyway.

Mr. Greene started this movement by surprisingly capturing the South Carolina Senate Democratic primary.  He was an unemployed man who had just been involuntarily tossed out of the military after getting numerous poor evaluations, citing him as an ineffective leader who lacked organization and was unable to express thoughts clearly.  He ran in the primary with basically no money, no campaigning, no website, few appearances…somehow managing to win overwhelmingly.  Pundits were initially confused about the outcome, until they determined that the jugheads, bean brains, and noodle noggen citizens in the state rallied together, came out in force to vote, and pushed him to easy victory.

Even though Mr Greene has some sort of college degree, he is appealing to the constituency of illiterate, uneducated knuckleheads who want a voice…even if it is a voice that can’t utter a coherent thought.  Other low-IQ people are now considering a run at political office, according to officials at the National Association of High School Dropouts and Beauty School Dropouts.  “Our members are sick and tired of smart, educated people thumbing their noses at them.  And they are particularly sick and tired of lawyer types and other elitists who drive around in their Buicks, and couldn’t care less about people who just happen to have mush between their ears.  Our members are starting to figure out where the polling places are, and believe me, they will start showing up on Election Day… if they don’t forget.”

Senior Senators were initially taken back by the fear of having dozens of low-IQ’ers part of their esteemed body. They considered trying to pass a quick measure to establish a minimum 50 IQ standard to be qualified to serve in the Senate.  During the debate, however, it was pointed out that many of the current incumbents might not pass the 50 IQ standard, so the issue has been tabled for now.  Some Senators are taking it in stride, and think the new wave of nincompoops could actually work to their advantage.  “Smart people can be a disadvantage,” said one Senator.  “The smart ones tend to ask too many questions on every bill, over-analyze every paragraph and clause, argue points ad-nauseum.  Getting a few drones in here will make life much simpler…just vote this way, and shut up.  I’m starting to like it already.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

The official end of bipartisanship

The joint leadership of Congress declared last week the official end of bipartisanship and any pretense of both sides working together.  The exciting announcement was made together by both parties on the steps of the Capitol, after which the parties gave each other high-fives, chest bumps, then flipped each other the bird.  There was dancing in the street by all the citizens who have been sick and tired of all the mickey mouse for months.  The press corps also cheered wildly, and broke out bottles of cheap champagne to celebrate the end to the silly games of gotcha…although some reporters sadly realized that the funnest parts of their jobs may now be over, and they will have to go back to just reporting plain old boring news.

It was long overdue.  But the recent Health Care bill fiasco finally made all realize that enough is enough.  “We want to take the country into a new, exciting, changed world…a world of marxism, and they don’t,” said a Democratic senator.  “There’s no reasoning with those slobs on the right.  They just want the same old/same old…with policies of minimal government that are so passe that no one in the world subscribes to anymore.  They need to seriously join the 21st century, and get out of their 1776-vintage old fogey ways.  Time to wake up and smell the latte, boys.”

Republicans are also relieved at not having to bother with “finding common ground with skunks,” as one congressman put it.  They had become frustrated after trying for months and months to interject one lousy little idea into the Obamacare bill, but were shot down and shut out on every try.  Conservatives had gotten angry over the secret backroom deals, the Cornhusker Kickbacks, making-up new far-fetched rules on the fly if Dems didn’t like the old rules, and worst of all – using the Constitution for TP.  Finally, they said piss on it…we’ll let the voters decide in November if they want Mao and his buddies running things.  They then bought themselves a round of shots at Murphy’s Bar, and poured them down their gullets.

The party atmosphere is expected to continue through the St. Patrick’s day holiday.  Liberals will be dressed in their customary orange outfits so as to not offend non-Irish people, and naturally are prepared to be cat-called “Protestants” on Wednesday.  All are hoping to avoid confrontations like the ones last year, which unfortunately culminated in one drunken Lib yelling out, “Danny Boy was a tea bagger.”  Naturally this erupted into fisticuffs with several black eyes, before the paddywagons took the drunk and his orange buddies away.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The Lib Congress electronic translator

The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

-We need more jobs                            -We need new Health care

 

-Lower taxes for everyone to              -Raise taxes only on people making an

 help the economy really grow            income. More rebates for people who

                                                             pay no tax at all.

 

-Less government intrusion into        -Need to get Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity

 our daily lives                                      off the air. They are too subversive, and

                                                             keep talking about our Founding fathers,

                                                             Ronald Reagan, and other old farts.

 

-Need a lot more jobs now.  Jobs,       -Need speedier implementation of Health

 jobs, jobs, jobs.  Get it???                    Care.  It’s the Health Care, Stupid!!

 

-Unemployment is at a 50-year          -Bastard companies are exporting jobs

 high. What are you doing about it?     to China to get that cheap labor. Need

                                                              to punish them more or just nationalize

 

-People are defaulting on their             -Greedy bankers are screwing the  

 mortgages and losing homes                common man. Need to hang them out

                                                                to dry, and force banks to stay open

                                                                on Holidays, as punishment.

 

-We like our current Health Care         -Nasty health insurance companies are

 plan. Don’t F#&! with it                        screwing us. We poor souls don’t

                                                               know any better, but you’ll save us

 

-I need you to start listening to me,   -You’re a handsome devil. Weren’t you

 really listening to me                           on the latest cover of GQ?

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

I’m more bipartisan than you

To break the monotony of wraggling over bills, Congress has adopted a fun little internal game that they will be playing with themselves.  It’s called “I’m more bipartisan than you”.  Each congressperson will amass points between now and November whenever they do something that shows bipartisanship.  Of course the difficulty and excitement in the game is that no one there really knows what bipartisanship really means.  So it will be hilarious to see how they stumble and bumble trying to figure out how the points system works, and then conniving games on how to score points.

Now the rules of the game are as follows.  Every time a congressperson tells an opposing member “that’s a great idea”, he/she gets one point.  It can be recognizing a great idea on a landmark bill, or discovering a new way of washing his hands after going to the poddy.  It cannot be sarcasm (i.e. that’s a “great” idea), although the cleverest members may find ways to sneak some sarcasm into the dialog without the unclever, mind-numb opposing member even realizing it.

The congressperson will get 2 points if they have had a meaningful discussion with an opposing member to try to resolve a persnickety disagreement on a bill.  Points, however, will not be awarded if the person makes disparaging comments about his grandmother, makes inaccurate comments about certain body dimensions, or uses the F-word in describing what actions the opposing member can do with himself.

They will get 3 points if they actually find common ground with an opposing member.  Naturally, all feel that these points will be rarely given out.  It’s not even clear that most of these hardheads even know what common ground means, so it will be especially difficult for any of them to know it if they see it.  But points are theoretically available to the rare few who might take the time to probe and reconcile true desires of each side…or, more likely, the rare few who stumble upon common ground by sheer accident.

Finally, they will get 5 points if they actually come to a written bonefide agreement on an issue with an opposing member.  A panel will question both members to make certain that they really agree and are not just pretending to agree to get extra points.  Laughing or spit-takes during the panel questioning will put grave doubt on the authenticity of the agreement.  And if found to be faked, it will cause both players to lose 5 points, and furthermore, both members will be forced to listen to House floor speeches for 3 solid days in a row as additional punishment.

No points will be awarded for “compromise” agreements, where both sides feel like they lost in the deal.  Anyone caught compromising in this manner will be given a travelling stuffed toy duck that just quack, quack, quacks all day.  The Quacker will be required to be kept on the Quackee’s desk for the next 24 hours.

The winner of the “I’m more bipartisan than you” contest will receive an upgrade to his seat in the congressional chamber to a La-Z-Boy Sleepmaster XF…so that if he/she is going to be bored, at least it will be a comfortable boredom.  The seat has an optional vibration unit that can be energized when the House is set for a vote…or the unit can be switched off entirely to prevent sleep interruption.

Unloading obsolete merchandise at F-mart

Attention all shoppers.  For the next several months, we will be having a Storewide sale like you have never seen before.  Everthing must go.  Our people are ready to deal to move this stinky old garbage…err, I mean obsolete mechandise…off the dusty shelves it’s been sitting on, and out the door.  We must make room for new stuff, and do it lickety split.

In Aisle 86, there are special close-out sales on Flakes of all types…corn flakes, potato flakes, grape nut flakes, cajun nut flakes, sugar coated snow flakes.  One word of caution…these flakes may not be what you are used to.  They are limp, soggy, noodle-like flakes that turn into a smelly mush when mixed with milk.  But we’re willing to give you a 20% discount for caseload quantities.  And remember, if you don’t like the taste, you can feed it to your dog or hamster.  Act fast, because they are sure to be whisked away in no time flat.  As you know, there are no returns on this merchandise.

In Aisle 31, we are trying hard to move out our Compost Fermenters.  These units have traditionally been big sellers among the Green, Eco-friendly nerd-type customers.  Customers can take all types of organic waste materials…yes, even the disgusting stuff… and shovel it into the unit, which will then just sit there without expending any energy whatsoever, and process the crud into a fertilizer-like product.  The odorous methane gas produced in the process can be turned into energy with a small turbine generator, available at extra cost.  While not for everybody, the turbine generator has been a popular add-on at our Beverly Hills store among clue-less customers who are awash in money.

In our Toy Department, we are overstocked with that new hit game, “Sleaze Bags”.  This is a fun game for all members of the family, where players toss wet slimy bags of goo among each other, until the bag finally busts open and sloshes yellow horse-piss all over its victim…to the uproarious laughter of all the other players.  It’s a riot.

In our Antiques Department, we are literally jammed to the gills with eclectic merchandise of all sorts.  We have dozens of antique nose hair trimmers which make for great decoration, even though they don’t actually work anymore.  We’re loaded with the old-fashioned suit hanger bags, and we’ll throw in a carton of old moth balls with every purchase.  But take a peak at some of our antique furniture that can take up space almost anywhere in your household; all pieces come with doilies so you don’t have to dust as often.

So, hurry up and help us unload this stuff before it starts wreaking worse than the wreak-fest up to this point.  Help yourself, and help your fellow shoppers purge the undesirables, so we can all have a better shopping experience in years to come.