bizarreville

AARP announced yesterday that they have unilaterally cancelled the membership of Arlen Specter, the fumbling senator from Pennsylvania.  The action comes as a last-straw from Specter’s latest action which they described as “profound numbskullness”.  Specter was a guest during a recent radio talk show with Congressperson Michelle Bachmann where, at one point, he scolded and whined, “I’m going to treat you like a lady.  Now ACT like one!”

AARP said they are proud to represent most all flavors of old people…geezers, cobweb collectors, geriatrics, grouch bags, mean old farts, and creaky basket cases.  But Specter went above and beyond AARP standards for even mean old farts, and violated the idiot clause in the association’s bylaws.

This latest Specter-flub was just the latest in a series of bizarre antics, starting when he drifted into total confusion about what party he belongs in and what values he believes in.  He then essentially flipped the bird at the party that had supported him without even a courtesy phone call.  Then there was his infamous Town Hall meeting where he chided his own constituents who had the audacity to want their voices heard.  Even the Democrats are keeping their distance from the guy.  “He’s a vote,” commented a party spokesperson.  “That’s about it in terms of our interest.”

But a congressional medical authority weighed in on the situation, “It’s not that unusual.  This guy has been serving in a totally dysfunctional Congress for decades.  And with his lack of core values, he has had to swing back and forth, go around and around, and incur enormous stress just trying to decide what to do every day.  Clearly, that has caused irreversible brain softening, which now appears to have shut down his ability to reason.  Rather than criticize, we should all feel sorry for him…and find him a home somewhere.”

AARP has said that it is sympathetic to his brain softening condition, but it must protect its reputation, and the reputation of its huge membership.  “If the public begins to think we’re all a bunch of Specteroids, our organization will cease to be taken seriously and lose the political punch we’ve garnered over decades of work.”  The association is assessing the rest of its 80-plus agers to determine if there are other Specteroids out there that will need to be purged or rehabilitated.

AARP has said they will return a prorated portion of his dues.  And as a further act of compassion, they will send Specter a packet of brochures where he can get some psychological help at a 20% discount.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Bizarreville leaders, after so many years of looking like idiots by leaking out key military information to the enemy, have this time molded a new, intriguing approach to blabbermouthia.  Rather than giving Afghan Talibans a heads-up on upcoming plans, they decided to take the opposite tack and just blab about when they plan to punt…in about 16 to 18 months. 

Spy reports say Taliban leaders in cave headquarters were totally befuddled by this announcement.  They said they normally figure Bizarreville leaders are a bunch of scheming perpetual liars…so they don’t know how exactly to reinterpret this potential lie.

Meanwhile, back in Bizarreville, the Leader’s supporters were upset at his policy redirection vs. campaign promises, and called him a liar.  But simultaneously, his opponents in the world of punditry pointed out his failure to fully support the troops, his ambiguous mumbo-jumbo, and called him a liar.  Even people sleeping on the couch who were tired of watching him on prime time TV, couldn’t think of anything else to call him, so called him a liar.

So the Taliban, seeing all these mixed messages, was not sure who to disbelieve.  After seeing supporters call him a liar, they figured that he might indeed be lying…or it might be a trick.  But then after seeing opponents and couch potatoes calling him a liar, they figured he was probably telling the truth.  Or it could all be a double-lie, or triple-lie…must be a lie of some sort, but a lie about what?

An smiling anonymous administration insider said: “A lie is as good as the truth, if you can get someone to believe it.”  He then hopped in his limo, joining an anonymous female in the back seat.

Good evening.  This is Marvin Shankst, Bizarreville TV13 reporter…on the scene at Tiger’s home.  We’ve been trying to get an interview with Tiger all afternoon, but he has turned us down every time…telling me to just settle down and get some Decaf, man.  Well, I told him “Man, I don’t drink decaf or coffee of any kind…maybe a pumpkin spice latte once in a while, but that’s it.”  I guess I may have seemed a little hyper…who knows?

I tried to ask him about the tree and the fire hydrant that, as you can see from here, are damaged…but he gave no comment.  I went to the local Fire Chief and asked him about the fire hydrant, and he seemed pretty rattled.  Here’s my interview:

“These hydrants are our lifeblood in the Station.  We lose one, we put each and every home in that neighborhood at risk.  You can’t just take this kind of thing lightly.  It’s serious, real serious.  We need someone….maybe a non-golfer or someone who doesn’t park themself in front of a freaking TV watching boring golf for 6 hours on a Sunday…someone to get to the bottom of this thing.  If you don’t, you’ll have all these rich  as*!&+$  running willy-nilly over hydrants, without any regard to the impact on us firefighters.  These guys just don’t give a  s$!&  about the safety of others.  They just sit in their Drawing rooms, and do whatever you do in a drawing room…draw, I guess.  Probably just draw all day….make little doodles that they probably sell at some “modern” art gallery:  Tiger’s Doodles…a thousand bucks.  Includes a frame.  Will personally sign it for another thousand.  What a life…golf and doodles…pfffft.

Retailers across Bizarreville were high-fiving each other after what they viewed as a successful Black Friday shop-athon.  More shoppers than expected had flocked to the malls, creating that rich tradition of constipated parking lots, bumper-car shopping & shoving excursions, and of course the endless lines.  Many retailers adopted the new Black Friday tradition of minimizing sales staffing on that Friday so that checkout lines were especially long, creating the impression of huge crowds inside their store to any passers-by.  It all seemed to work, as crowds were near record-level.  Missing from their wild exuberence was one minor detail:  no one was spending much money.

Particularly hit by the shop/no-buy paradox was Eldberd’s House of Flatscreens.  Old Eldy has been in the TV business for 50 years, expanding bit by bit.  But recently he decided to go “All In” in the growing Flatscreen market and built a showroom the size of a football field – boasting 1000 Flatscreens of every permutation of size, pixel, Hertzage, techno-nonsense, and plasmology.  Even found some metric screen sizes for European wannabe’s.

Eldy opened his doors at 3am, with typical ads for 30% off one obscure model:  a 3700 millimeter, paisley-colored, 82 Hertz Bullshmitz LCD television, but only carried 2 total units in stock.  Naturally those were snarfed up quickly.  Many other disgruntled customers were surprised to find all his other models were at full or nearly full price…causing considerable grumbling and grouching as they were still wiping sleep from their eyes and wondering why in the  f*@!  did they set the alarm and wake up for “this”?  Nevertheless, they roamed the great Hall of Same to marvel at the units upon units, with few actually plunking down ten C-notes to garner one of these trinkets.  One woman approached a beleaguered sales associate with the question, “Which one would you recommend?”  The sales person was restrained from throttling her by several onlooking customers.

Someone forgot to tell Eldberd that this ain’t your father’s TV business anymore.  Eldy still remembers the day when the only new feature on the next year’s model TV was a slightly different color on the vinyl fake-woodgrain overlay.  They forgot to tell Eldy that his vast array of Flatscreen inventory would all be obsolete in less than 9 months…replaced with all-new models with obsolesence-creating zinkrofaddles and dorkuloids.  Poor Eldy doesn’t even know what a fankerfloyd does…tsk, tsk.

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

Bizarreville carmakers report that car thefts are down to a 20-year low, initially bringing about some excitement in Executive offices.  But, after further review, it became clear that pathetic design, ugly styling, and general car boringness were the biggest contributing factors to the decline.  Curiously, golf cart thefts have trended up in recent months.

The Car Thieves International Union (CTIU) agreed with the assessment.  “Yeah, dem cars are so freaking ugly, I for one would not be caught dead pilfering one,” commented the CTIU president.  The Union noted that even the stolen car parts were now harder to peddle, due to shoddy quality and lousy basic designs.  This has caused Fences to have to return the stolen merchandise for full credit.  There was even a recent case where a thief was clubbed over the head with a busted, defective tie rod from an unhappy Black Market customer who had frankly gotten fed up with poor quality goods.  “It’s becoming epidemic.  And it’s putting our entire  f#&*!$  business at risk,” cited an underground paint shop proprietor.

The insurance companies are naturally thrilled by the theft trend, and have gone on record to encourage all the car companies to go even further in adopting mediocrity, especially in car styling.  “Take that new model from Shanker Motors called the Thumb.  That car is so ugly my grammaw wouldn’t get inside.  It looks like a cross between a bratwurst and a…well…you-know-what.  But it works most of the time, and just doesn’t get stolen.  Would like to see more Thumbs out there, and other ‘Fingers’ for that matter.”  Insurers point out that this reduction in thievery will also eventually save money on insurance premiums…or at the very least, reduce the amount of the annual premium increases to the car owner…which they say is basically the same thing.

Meanwhile the car companies are just plain perplexed…but that is really nothing particularly new.  After all, they had thought they were making real cool cars, before they started realizing what was actually coming out the factory door.  “Hey, if the market wants junk, we’ll give ’em junk.  That’s something we know how to do (ha, ha),” an unnamed car exec said in jest.

Michael Moorebird, the genius expert on World Economic systems and part-time screwball movie producer, gave a stirring speech at the Bizarreville Moose Lodge last Thursday evening.  He was also pitching his new book: Communist Manifesto, the Sequel.  “I think there’s a movie in that one.  Karl would be so proud,” he whimpered, holding back tears as he pre-pitched yet another brilliant, creative idea.

Moorebird had just returned from a short trip to his Promise Land, Cuba, where he had filed an investigative report on the superb conditions of their high-tech hospitals.  “I was so impressed that I think I’ll go down there for my upcoming colonoscopy next month.  May go ahead and have an Upper GI while I’m there.  Why not…let’s live it up!”

Cuban authorities admitted that they had loaded him up with mucho Mango Mojitos laced with triple shots of 151 Rum.  “Senor Moorebird lapped up those Mojitos, and kept asking for more, more, more.  We just about ran out of mint leaves.”  Onlookers report that Moorebird was stumbling and weaving through the hospital hallways, eventually flopping onto an open gurney…whereupon he promptly lost his lunch into a partly-full bed pan.

Moorebird has a busy speaking itinerary promoting his Anti-capitalism mantra and Adam Smith hate speech.  He realizes that any revolution starts small, so proposes to start by nationalizing the Port-a-John industry.  “Have you ever sat in one of those stinky freaking things??  No other nation in the world would put up with this pathetic level of quality.  Let’s start by nationalizing port-a-johns…we’ll call it AmCrack.”

Moorebird argued that you’d never see a nasty port-a-john in Cuba.  Opponents responded: “Yeah, but the alleys don’t smell so great.”

His next target might well be the Florist Industry where he has oft criticized how those coniving capitalists quadruple the price of fresh roses on Valentines Day.  “That kind of collusion and gouging has got to stop.  They don’t even smell that great any more.”  Later he did admit that his sense of smell might be a bit out of calibration from frequent trips to Cuban alleys.

Bizarreville’s own auto industry, Shanker Motors, has been feeling the pinch lately.  Shanker has had a proud history, an automotive innovation leader in past years, coming up with such ideas as the self-cleaning ash tray, the power parking brake, the lighted hood ornament, and the optional dog seat in the trunk.  These ideas were years/decades ahead of their time.

But Shanker more recently has been beset with quality problems.  Bumpers would fall off when the velcro started getting old.  The “Smudge Master” windshield wipers never quite performed up to expectation.  Fuel gauges were often about a quarter of a tank out of calibration, causing some drivers to run out of gas at 2 in the morning.  This, combined with the fact that the cars were downright butt-ugly, drove the sales trend down in the past 5 years or so.  Market share was cut literally in half.

A year ago, the Shanker management team recognized the problem and did a reorganization, literally switching job titles of every exec.  It cost several million dollars in new office nameplates, furniture moves, business cards, memo pads, and new drapes.  To cut cost, they eschewed the 12-way adjustable lumbar support massaging swivel chairs for the more basic 8-ways.  They totally cut out the restroom attendants in the executive restrooms.  The management team conducted several off-site meetings, days and days of meetings, using 14 full pads of flipchart paper and 117 packets of Post-It notes. They developed mission statements, vision statements, strategy statements, charters, bubble charts, quadrant charts, and SWOT analyses.  They were serious.

But in spite of all these seemingly bold, brilliant moves, results failed to improve at Shanker.  Next, they brought in an HR consultant, who promptly surveyed the Shanker workers to probe into productivity/morale problems.  Survey results, combined with intense focus group interviews, clearly showed that if the workers were given a 7 percent raise, morale would improve.  In further analyzing results, the HR consultants estimated that the improved morale would produce a linear improvement in productivity, 7 percent to be exact. 

Management agreed, made the change.  But they quickly found that the consultant’s projections were off…by about 7 percent, give or take.  The consultants pointed out that there were “other factors” at work, but agreed to trim their normal fee by 5 percent as a matter of good faith.

It seems that Shanker prospects look bleak and they may be headed for Chapter 11.  In the mean time, the Purchasing Department has told their suppliers to either drop prices 10 percent or they would be given a kite to fly.  To be fair…it is a fairly nice kite with the company logo and a pretty red paisley background…but it does have a hand gesture illustration that might be considered a bit inappropriate when flying down on the beach.

Bizarreville Leaders are debating if there is some help that could be given.  But there is not much enthusiasm, since many of the Leaders have owned Shankers and, yes, have done that 2:00 am walk home. 

It still may be possible that a deal could be worked out to have them develop a line of taxi cabs…sort of the final link at the very end of the auto food chain.  Stay tuned.

Bill Cronie, Bizarreville’s fine upstanding pharmacist, is very upset.  “The continuing talk in the News about Cronies being appointed to critical positions in the Administration has thoroughly besmirched our family name beyond repair.  The incompetent goof-balls and tax cheats receiving these important appointments…none of them are Cronies, none are even distantly related to any Cronies, not even by marriage.  They are dirt-bag nimrods who are drawn together by their vacuum of character and held together by the sticky goo they spew.  But no…no…no way are any of them Cronies, trust me.  Please call them Nincompoops.”

Elwood Nincompoop could not be reached for comment.

Recruiting efforts are now in high-gear to staff up the newly commissioned Death Panels in Bizarreville.  As you know, these are the panels that will ultimately decide if grammaw gets that 3rd hip replacement in lieu of a nicely rehabbed wheelchair…or if grampaw should get that appendix removed today, or just wait in line and hope for the best.  The Death Panel program has been a popular concept, particularly among the younger people, as a means of reducing spiralling health care costs and frankly helping solve the impending Social Security ballooning problem.  Critics have called it harsh, but became less vocal when it became apparent that Leaders were taking names.

Interviewers say that they’re looking for a strong set of Defiant Uber-ssertive skills in candidates for the job.  “You cannot be a bleeding heart, bed-wetting baby who wants his pacifier.  We will be looking for people with proven track records of starting fights in bars, climbing over weak people for promotions, telling the boss to Shove It, frantically yelling at Town Hall meetings, telling panhandlers to Get a Job, honking at bike riders…you get the idea.  If it happens they’ve pulled the plug on a close relative in the past…well, that would certainly earn bonus points.  Candidates with previous Boy Scout or Girl Scout experience probably should not apply.  People who have formerly coached Little League or any other kids sport should only apply if they can show that they yelled at the kids and quit at mid-season out of sheer frustration.”

Interviews will begin today at 2pm at the Hospital Emergency room.  Warning to all would-be candidates…interviewers will be closely watching you as you enter the ER.  Don’t fall into the trap by having a sympathetic look on your face as you walk by the pathetic moaner doubled-up in pain, or the young child bleeding out his ears.  It’s a test.  Keep that “Whatever…” look, and you’ll be good to go.  Good luck to all.

The Bizarreville Skunksprays lost another heart-breaking football game yesterday, an embarrassing loss to the Nerfville Nerdnuts 27-14, pushing the Sprays record to 0-4 and promising another mega-losing season.

“I thought we had a chance to win this one,” said Coach Schlumpp.  “First-off, the Nerdnuts are a pathetically lousy team.  But when the Nerds lost their 1st string quarterback in the First Quarter, their 2nd string quarterback in the Second Quarter, and had to put their Kicker in to take snaps…well, then I thought we had ’em.  That kid was just tossing up rainbows, but somehow the Receivers managed to gather them in and score.  And when the Nerdnuts’ main running back, the midget with just one arm, racked up 175 yards rushing…well, that was pretty humiliating to say the least.”

Fans left the stadium very disappointed but not too surprised.  They have grown accustomed to poor play, poor coaching, poor management.  Some fans have stopped attending, oft criticized for being fair-weather fans.  But they have reminded us that it’s been decades since they saw blue skies, and the forecast calls for rain and golf-ball size hail.

Management shows the face of being upset, but deep down inside they really don’t care if the team loses…the fans keep coming out, the TV revenue piles in, the dog and beer sales continue, even with ratcheted up prices.  They rationalize that there’s no guarantee of a winning season even if they pay big bucks for talent or knowledgable coaches…a brilliant strategy of maximizing profit margins.  They’ve even parlayed this strategy into trading draft picks for old decrepid has-beens and picking up undrafted walk-ons and stumble-ons.  Scouts continually scour the bottom of the stats charts and game low-lights using a novel points system that scores ineptness, confusion, mistake-making, and general lack of athleticism.  It’s helped find those little horse nuggets buried in the hay.

“It’s a Cost Control model of high-esteem,” said Professor Stewbeed of Bizarreville College’s MBA program.  “It’s a model that had shown past success among some upper Midwest professional sports teams, but the Skunksprays have taken it to an all new level.  Each cut of cost has produced a significantly lesser marginal revenue impact, thereby providing incremental EBITDA to the shareholder.  Bravo!”

“But what about the fans?” asked a prying reporter.

“Pffffft…next question?” smirked the Prof.

The Skunksprays face a tough opponent next week, the Murgatoid Marauders, undefeated and leading the league.  Vegas points spread is currently at 63 points, but many Bizarreville citizens think Murgatoid will not cover the spread.  “63 points??  That’s ridiculous.  I’m taking the points.”  The Skunksprays coach was asked if he is doing anything special to prepare for the game, and he responded, “We’ve bolstered our supplies of bandages, splints, and gauze…lots of gauze…and neckbraces, you can never have enough of those.”

Bizarreville’s committee has submitted its proposal to become the 2016 Olympic site.  Competition will be tough.  Chicago seems to be a front-runner, with its first-class facilities, park settings with skyline backdrop, restaurants/bars, and fun things to do.

Of course, Bizarreville has none of that.  The committee is pitching the Bizarreville bid on a cost/economics appeal, which is always a concern for the tightly managed IOC.  Bizarreville’s cost dismemberments include:

– Round up of partly rusted-out trailers, stacked on top of each other as the Olympic village. “Will almost look like one of those art-deco hotels at South Beach.” 

– Stoke a bonfire instead of the Olympic torch, full of traditional old pallets, old couches, and wood paneling from defunct basement rec rooms

– Upgrade the Bizarreville High School football field for the big track and field events with a fresh pack of real cinders instead of that artificial rubber crap.

– Use Shmefle’s pond for Aquatics.  Not much rehab necessary beyond removing a minor amount of pond scum, relocating a small frog population, and some air-freshener (or fans).

– Employ Honkers Edible Diner to cater the food, well-known for stretching a meal with creative additives and starch substitutes.

– Have some 50/50 raffles to cover expenses and create some real fun for attendees, a nice diversion from the goofy little competitions of people you’ve never heard of and will never see again.

Organizers say that the Bizarreville Olympics would cost about one-third of the cost of those primo sites, and would create a new model for Olympics of the future. Critics have called their proposal the “Junque Olympics” or the “Lame Games”, but the local committee dismisses it as Arrogance from the Arrogocracy (whatever that means).  Melvin Fermerfermer, the committee chairman, said “Running is running, jumping is jumping, diving is diving…what freaking difference does it make where you do it?”  They plan to construct temporary bleachers at the venues from a startup company called Rickety Rump… who will use older prematurely discarded stands to save money and provide a no-collapse guarantee.  Rickety would, however, take out an insurance policy with Lloyds of London, just in case the unthinkable happens.

Bizarreville plans to minimize the so-called excessive security found at previous Olympics.  The committee will ask each team to bring its own security and weaponry…a few thugs in black shades certainly wouldn’t hurt.  The concept of mutually-assured massacre is believed to be sufficient disuasion against would-be terrorists.  “The Mid-East countries may belly-ache about this policy, but we have a simple/concise answer for them, if the question should arise.”

The Bizarreville committee is confident that their 2016 bid will prevail, even though the odds seem to be stacked against them.  “Go to Vegas, and put a wad on it,” encourages Chairman Fermerfermer, puffing on a big foot-long stogey.