bizarreville

With Democratic members of Congress nestled tightly behind locked doors debating/negotiating final language in the upcoming Health Care bill, the public has been left wondering what monstrosity-from-the-deep will emerge.  Pundits have questioned why the process has been so secretive, particularly when the President promised that the negotiations would be transparent, with cspan television coverage.  Some in Bizarreville are saying this is yet another broken campaign promise, and the latest in the 2010 Misrepresentation Olympics.

A White House spokesman met with reporters yesterday and said that, yes, the President misspoke when he said it would be transparent.  He meant to say “translucent”, an easy and forgivable mistake for someone to make who is not an optical scientist.  The President apparently always gets the two words confused.  He said that the meetings are indeed translucent in that people know there that there are some people moving, shuffling, and fumbling around in the room, but they just can’t see what their doing or saying.  But, he said, you can probably guess that it has something to do with adding layers of bureaucracy, and piling up costs to fix something that isn’t broke…duh.

Reporters questioned why the meetings weren’t being covered by cspan, as the President had promised.  The spokesman indicated that cspan had brought in cameras and put on special frosted-glass type lenses to get the translucent effect…even had a few Aides watch it and comment.  “The picture was very blurry and just did not seem to be very effective,” he said.  “Plus, not having any audio made the whole thing seem like you were just watching a TV test pattern.”  Congress people had considered taking off the frosty lenses in order to have a clearer picture.  But it showed just a little too much intimate detail… a lot of touching, scratching, and pants dropping, that might not be considered appropriate for their PG-level viewership.

The spokesman said that the President is committed to having high levels of translucency in all policy matters during his administration.  “You might not be able to see the details, but you’ll know something is happening.  And that is what change is all about.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they are real.

Bizarreville enforcement authorities report that the practice of profiling Ugly people has now been approved as a sanctioned practice.  Authorities are, in fact, encouraging all patrols to begin profiling immediately to help mitigate the wave of inappropriate behavior by the uglies.  The public’s desire to adopt the new practice stems from a recently published study from Bizarreville College of Abnormality, which concluded that ugly people created more social problems than non-uglies over the past 5 years.

Criteria for what constitutes official ugliness include, but are not limited to:  scraggly beards, too much face-hardware, tatooville, pastel-colored hair, and general ‘beaten with an ugly stick’ appearance.  But it can also include people who wear ugly clothes with holes, rips, paisley patterns, obnoxious color mis-matches, or gross food stains.

The new profiling practice will allow law enforcement and other security authorities to randomly pull these people over for interrogation and/or investigating any inkling of suspicious behavior.  They can haul their ugly asses into the Station if there is any resistance, smart alec backtalk, finger gesturing, or any other lude bodily movements.

A stampede of critics have challenged this new practice as violating ugly people’s civil rights.  They have also pointed out that ugliness is too subjective, which will almost certainly lead to borderline ugly people being harassed and mis-characterized as true Uglies.  Other critics have asked whether obesity would be considered ugly, and have correctly pointed out that there are many cute fat people.  Still others have challenged whether wearing an ugly hat fits under the ugly clothes clause.  In general, critics feel that if this practice is to stick, there needs to be standards and a rating system of some sort…perhaps even a registration requirement.

Clearly there are many tough issues raised that will require resolution in upcoming weeks.  In the meantime, ugly people are encouraged to stay home unless necessary, or be on their best behavior when out on the streets of Bizarreville.

Bumco Motivational Tools Inc has just launched its new line of hydraulically-operated motivational tools, specifically targeted to help citizens motivate their stubborn legislators who refuse to vote their constituency.  With more and more legislators choosing to be total ignoramuses on bills like the Health Care bill, Bumco feels the market for these new tools could explode.  They see expansion of the whole product line, including their high-performance “Wake Up Call” face slapper, and their classic “Anal Redriller”.

The Inept-o-vator 9000 has a number of new features, including a new special “Wanker” setting which can deliver 70 boots per minute to the new breed of pesky stubborn spacetakers who just won’t respond to the subtle approach.

Liberal critics point out that the Bumco tools are dangerous and have been known to create permanent physical damage to some unfortunate legislators.  But Bumco officials are quick to point out that when used properly, there will normally be no permanent damage unless the legislator continually refuses to heed the will of his/her people.  Bumco also points out that there have been rare cases when citizens have mispositioned their legislators on the unit, causing certain sterility issues.  And, bruising can happen if the targeted legislator has not yet developed sufficient ass lard.  So, the company has issued new operating instructions with pictures that “even a congressman could understand.

Bumco offers a satisfaction guarantee warranty that its products will provide proper motivation to even the thickest of the thick-skulled meat-heads.  Rather than money returns, Bumco promises to send out a team of technicians to properly set tool parameters and/or bring other Bumco Motivational Tools to the scene.  The bottom line, according to the company, is to get the job done.

Yes, Friends…welcome to the Amazing Race to November, where the Bizarreville Congress will be challenged to ascertain how much worthless left-wing nutcase spending they can possibly do in just over 10 months.  The contestants know they’re getting swiftly booted out of their jobs in November, so by golly, they’ve got to work fast, damn fast, to get it done while there’s still no one who can effectively hold them accountable or slow their pace.

Remember, in the Amazing Race to November game, contestants get extra “style” point for ramming-through projects that are especially laughable in the eyes of our judges.  Research projects into the behaviors of stupid friggin’ animals, construction projects with no tangible benefits whatsoever, and anything that has the words “space” and “laboratory” in it are always solid qualifiers.  But judges will be looking for new deeper levels of creativity, not only in the project synopsis itself, but also in the ridiculousness of the supporting rationale.  Contestants are all reminded that they must make the judges laugh, real belly-rollers are certain to garner these bonus points.

Congress people are currently very busy with their bloated staffs trying to scrape up wasteage ideas, pulling records/notes that go back 30-40 years for shot-down projects and lame-brain funding requests that now have this once-in-a-lifetime shot at slipping into the 2010 frenzy.  One item, for example, is to completely restore the disco records blown up at the Sox game in the late 1970’s…a troubled project for decades, but now looking like a winner.

Congress is getting help from the Network of Inept Non-profit Non-functionals (NINN), the clearinghouse for coordinating/administering handouts to agencies too inept to make it on their own.  NINN always has a long running list of creepy, weepy adhocs who can turn on a dime to spend millions when extra cash is available.  A subsidiary organization of NINN, called Professors Too Inept to Teach (PTIT) also has a list of “shovel ready” university research projects to keep its research professors busy spinning wheels on inconsequentialness…and naturally keep them out of the classrooms where they can do real damage.  Suffice it to say, there are infinite places to whiz away money.

The Winner of the Amazing Race to November will be the Congress person who amasses the highest wasteful spending dollar count, plus the biggest earmark slush fund, combined with stupidity laugh points…a net total that should most certainly guarantee him/her a landslide loss in November for such blatant irresponsibility.  As a consolation, the winner will receive a lifetime guest spot on the interminable PBS pledge drives, an honorary pubah designation with the Acorn organization, and a commemorative set of gold-plated “McGovern for President” campaign buttons.  He/she will also get some kind of road, alley, or at least a ditch named after him/her somewhere in Bizarreville.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real or seem like they should be real.

Bizarreville senators have just taken a solemn pledge to stop smoking.  Turns out, most of the senators are smokers.  And the liberal senators are the worst, smoking continuously…lighting off the next one from the butt of the last one.  But now they’ve decided to all take the pledge to stop.

It has always been strange to see these esteemed people conducting themselves in a manner that they know is so detrimental to their future health.  They are all extremely smart people, college educated, most with graduate degrees who fully understand the consequences of near-term pleasure vs. long-term jeopardy.  Yet, for whatever reason, probably aided/abetted by peer pressure from their smoke-aholic colleagues, they continue the bad practice.  Clearly, it has been a strong addiction, a spiral they have been unable to pull out of.

And the Senate rules have not helped them.  Years ago, rules permitted smoking only 10 cigarettes in the Chambers per day.  Then, under pressure, they raised it to 12, then 15, then a pack/day.  They held it at one pack for a few years, driven by the few non-smokers who had trouble breathing the stench, and who tried to interject just a little discipline in these knuckleheads.  But finally, the majority won out, and they raised the ceiling to 1.5 packs, then 2 packs, and recently to 2.5 packs.  Some cynics wonder why they don’t just make the ceiling “unlimited” rather than going through the stupid charade every so often.  “No, we really, really want to try to discipline ourselves,” say Senate leaders as they draft up new rules to go to 2.7 packs.

New incoming freshman senators normally are non-smokers when they arrive.  But within 3 months, they become addicted via inhaling the intense secondary smoke cloud…and seem to quickly lose their sensibility.  A few holdouts have remained non-smokers, and have come to the Chambers donning gas masks to make a point.  Naturally, they just get laughed at.

But now…pressured by the Public who has already given this Class of senators the lowest favorability rating in world history…just slightly above the inmates at Gitmo, and slightly below Kim Jong Il…now they have enacted this Pledge to stop smoking.  This has been a headline story nationwide, but the press release was carefully crafted to say (in the smallest font possible) that there would be some “special circumstances” when smoking would be permitted, “…at times when the Body is under considerable tension and stress…”

Official spokespeople have been vague when asked about specific examples that fit under the Special Circumstance clause.  But inside sources say that anytime anyone is at the podium speaking or anytime the Body is voting would be 2 examples that fit the tension/stress criteria.

Pollsters are early-estimating that this pseudo-pledge could take them below the Gitmo boys.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are purely fictional, even the ones that sound like they are real.

The Bizarreville FBI office announced Monday with great pleasure, that serious crime such as murder, manslaughter, and mayhem dropped 10 percent in 2009.  This came as a surprise, given the tough economic conditions all year, which have historically caused sharp crime increases as the unemployed became whacky, desperate, and search for adrenaline-activating activities to occupy their idle time.

When asked to explain this unexpected outcome, FBI officials pointed to the increase in unemployment benefits, new entitlements, expanded food stamps, and assundry handouts to anyone who wants them, and other freebies which have negated much of the desperation factor.  “It’s a lesson for us all in how to reduce crime…just hand people what they want, when they want it, with minimal fuss and muss.  Stop all the greedy hording, and learn to share with your brothers and sisters.”

A Bizarreville News reporter challenged the FBI spokesman that this sounds a lot like Socialism, a socio-economic system that has typically produced more widespread desperation, expansive black markets, and high crime where/when tried…normally requiring expansion of policing agencies such as the FBI and other head-clobbering security forces.  The reporter was quickly whisked away by 4 large, fully-armed Agents, who indicated that they wanted to do more ‘exploratory questioning of his provocative, intriguing theories’.

The FBI spokesman went on to suggest that reducing the desperation factor could also apply to the country’s problem with hard drugs.  “It all comes down to the same desperation=crime formula.  In the Office, we are currently developing something we call the Nome Theory….here’s how it goes:  Let’s say we made all hard drugs legal in, say, all the northern counties of Alaska…made drugs relatively easy and cheap to obtain up there.  First, it would make the drug problems go away in northern Alaska.  But then…then, all the druggies across the country would begin to flock to northern Alaska, drawn by the ease of availability and ease of transaction…ultimately eliminating their desperation factor.  Yeah, you’d probably have some junkhead, spaced-out wonks crashing into each other in snowmobiles…might have a few frozen, tripped-out carcasses stretched out in the tundra…might have some illicit deals with the Eskimo mob.  Who cares?  The point is the Nome theory would hoover up the whole drug problem and dispose of it to an area where desperation could be ‘managed’ quite effectively at 20-below Farenheit.  The Nome Theory….pretty interesting, huh?”

The spokesman then asked if there were any more questions among the reporters, who all seemed a bit glassy-eyed at this stage.  But there were none.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

A new, venture-capital financed startup is emerging on the scene to take full advantage of the new Bizarreville Health Care program – Placebo Brothers Medi-quirk (PBM).  The company will focus on development and marketing of new/better placebos which will be sold stand-alone, and also mixed in with generic drugs to reduce the cost of an average 30-day prescription.

Elmer Squirp, Marketing Director for PBM, says that studies have shown that most patients can’t tell the difference between real medicine and placebos.  Sprinkling in 25 to 30 percent placebos into a prescription will be unnoticable to Joe Average out there because the placebos will look and taste like the real thing.  Squirp says, sure Mr. Average may take a day or two longer to get over his ailment…but what’s the diff?  Furthermore, the placebos will allow the body’s own natural defense mechanisms to better kick-in, to attack the problem.

Squirp went on to say that the PBM principals presented their intriguing proposition to a group of elite liberal senators who promptly fell in love with the concept, and diverted a quick billion of stimulus funds to finance the venture.  “They told us this fits right in with the new government-run Health Care program, and helps reduce the multi-trillion dollar deficit that the Health Care program will be creating.”  The placebo program will also be properly rubbed in the noses of the prima-donna brand name drug companies and their high and mighty arrogance.  Squirp said that the Era of the Brand Name Drug, with their high-cost, smoke and mirror research and development mumbo jumbo, is quickly coming to an end.  PBM will be there to fill in the pill gap, so that the country will not run out of pills to take.

Critics say that this is yet another example of the “dumbing down” of the world’s greatest health care system, and turning it into a system that any 3rd world country would be proud of.  But PBM officials reply that patients are already dumb, they don’t read the labels or check out the side-effects on the Internet sites…they just pop the pills, brainlessly.

Meanwhile, the new PBM Marketing department is busy combing through 19th century advertisements for various snake oils and magic elixers, the golden age of chicanery.  They plan to roll out a separate product line of placebos touting it can ‘cure all ills of mankind, invigorate the soul, and reduce gas pressure’.  PBM expects to roll out the new line, tentatively called ‘Shmunx’, by Spring 2010.

In a shocking, unprecedented move, the City of Detroit announced its plans to move to China.  This move comes on the heels of Honda’s announcement of plans to build a new car factory in Wuhan, and similar Chinese capacity expansion announcements by BMW, Volkswagen, and Nissan.

“There are a number of details that will need to be worked out,” said former NBA player and current Detroit mayor Dave Bing.  “Starting with where to locate the city.  We’re looking for something near a big lake system fed by plenty of rivers that have adequate sewage handling capacity.  Would also prefer a location with lousy weather…you know, snow, sleet, freezing rain, gray skies…at least 11 months of the year so our citizens can acclimate quickly.”

Detroit has been under severe pressure recently with closures of factories, layoffs by the Auto companies, and the pathetic performance of the University of Michigan football team.  This has created a sense of acute pessimism that pervades the town.  But this attitude will fit well in China, where the people are already moapy, depressed, and discouraged.  And Detroiters have become so used to entitlements and free handouts that the switch to Communism should be relatively seamless, and should bring up their spirits.

Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm expressed her disappointment in the move, but said she understands the reasons and will work with the Chinese on the transition.  When asked what will replace Detroit once it vacates, she said, “Probably a landfill.”

Detroit hopes to regain the moniker of the world’s Motor City, perhaps by annexing the land that the Chinese auto plants occupy.  Chinese officials commented back on this statement, but the translation was difficult….translators said that it it was a very ancient obscenity that involves your sisters, donkeys, and various viscous fluids.

Chinese authorities say they may rename Detroit after the move to a less French-sounding name.  They have suggested the name Fugwad, which they claim means “natural process” or “beautiful flow” in Chinese.  Detroiters say they cannot find that word in any Chinese dictionary, but may accept the change to appease their new hosts.

The Chinese have said that they will take the Tigers, but will not allow Detroit to bring the Lions over.  “Maybe you can give them to the North Koreans,” said a Chinese sports minister, laughing hysterically.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fictional.  Even the ones that sound like they could be real.

A new book has been released by Bizarreville Press authored by Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, describing his painstaking journey from a career as a prestigious politician to a cheap skanky prostitute.  It is a career shift that few, if any, have made…and certainly no one has done it quite like Ben.  It’s great reading for the whole family and a lesson to the youngsters out there:  anything is truly possible if you have the will, a will that can overcome stupid things like scruples.

Many people are shocked and amazed that he would make such a change.  Others are amazed that anyone would pay for his services…whatever services those might be.  The intriguing story points out that the lives of politicians and prostitutes are not that much different from each other…both entailing much back-scratching, butt-scratching, and sucking…lots of sucking.  “You get what you pay for” is a theme that threads its way through the book, suggesting a thick wallet is the key to achieving high aspirations and/or getting a good ride.

The author points out that people make choices, and some of those choices can be difficult.  He brings in his personal experience voting for the Health Care Plan as one of the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life.  Nelson admits that he knew that the Plan was pure malarky, destined to literally destroy the world’s greatest health system.  Furthermore, he clearly understood that it would bankrupt the country’s financial system, already rocketing down the highway on a crash course.  He acknowledges that his constituents back in Nebraska overwhelmingly disapproved of the stupid Plan, and showered him with emails and phone calls, suggesting he might want to consider the bizarre concept of actually representing his people.  “But, man, when they brought in those exotic dancing girls who just kept pouring me great Champagne and tickling me with those feathery things…well, it made me realize we must live for today…just like the song…don’t worry about tomorrow.  It was one of those epiphany moments.”

The book concludes that sometimes Leaders must make tough decisions, ignoring their instincts, dismissing hard facts, pushing aside advice from trusted colleagues, and totally blowing-off the will of the people.  “That’s why they pay us the big bucks…as the old cliche goes.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Even the ones that sound like they could really be true.

The new Bizarreville OSHA Secretary met with reporters Wednesday, boldly claiming there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s meanin’ to gun down anyone in his path.  This message was initially not received well by his supporters who generally favor total gun control, whining that they would have appreciated a different metaphor.  It was even worse when he showed up to the news conference in spats, a cowboy hat covering his mullet, and a 2-pistol holster…even walked a little bowlegged, adding to the shear pathetic-ness of his look.  Tsk, tsk, good lord!

Arthur Shlonk, the new OSHA “sheriff”, spouted there would be tougher enforcement, bigger fines with more findings of willful violations, and other  sanctions against reckless companies.  Puddle of water on the plant floor?  Willful violation, max penalty.  Shlonk has written a 500-page manifesto, affectionately known in industry circles as “Rules of Obnoxion”, specifying uber-protective measures well beyond the nth-degree so that “even a bumbling idiot could not get hurt.”  A cynic in the crowd replied, “Easy for him to say…he hasn’t seen our new crop of hyper-bumbling idiots.”

Millions of dollars will need to be spent on fixes considered ‘worthless wastes of money’ in the past.  But Shlonk claims those designations were just cop-outs, spoken by safe-ophobes.  When challenged by a reporter about providing data/specifics on this cop-out charge or cost/benefit analysis he employed, Shlonk gave the reporter the finger.  “Here’s your analysis.”

Shlonk favors, training, retraining, and re-retraining as a critical part of his agenda on such things as how to walk and chew gum without tripping, which side of a chainsaw to hold, and what to do when the alarm goes off telling people to get the  f*#!&  out of here.  It’s what he calls Back to Basics approach.  “You can’t just rely on people’s common sense.  No sir.  That would be considered irresponsible in my book, pard’ner,” said the sheriff reverting back to ‘character’ for a brief moment.

Industry response has been surpisingly positive to this new aggressive OSHA plan of attack.  A spokesman for Berfnerd Industries said, “Good news.  We were at the indifference point on expanding our factory in Bizarreville…but this latest pile of dog dollop has made the decision to invest overseas a slam dunk.  Thank you, Mr Shlonk, for tipping the balance with your lard.”

Another company, Clamordoink Inc., has decided to pull up stakes altogether and move to China.  “They’ve been courting us for a couple years.  Offered a 20-year exemption from all environmental and workplace safety rules.  20 years…no knucklebrain regulations, no twerp-parade unannounced inspections, no 1000-page bullshoi permits, no lawyers to figure the whole mess out then louse it up anyway.  It’s like heaven, baby.  Sayonara…or should I say, zai jian, OSHA dweebs.  Put that in your bong and smoke it.”

Sensing there was some leakage wisping among the Dems in the Bizarreville Senate on the upcoming Health Care vote, Leader Harry Dweed took decisive action.  He needed a professional, skilled at driving alignment.  Dweed brought in Shlembo, the circus lion-tamer, with a reputation for taking the meanest, nastiest, most ornery beasts and breaking their wills.

Shlembo is highly skilled in using 2 whips in his taming technique.  Allegedly, Shlembo can snap an unfiltered Camel cigarette out of a Senator’s mouth before he can exhale one ounce of secondary smoke.  He can pick off a single curly hair with one swift crack.  He claims he can have these stubborn hold-outs dancing the hokey-pokey in their underwear by vote time.

Some blue dog Dems are understandably in a bit of a pinch….they are stuck between supporting their loyal, loving constituents back home versus sucking up to Harry.  “It’s so darn difficult when your core values are fluid,” said one unnamed wind blowee.  “In today’s world, you absolutely must keep your belief system flexible.  Hey, just last night I had a talk with my family about converting to Scientology so we could be more hip.  I ordered a chicken sandwich at a MacDonald’s for lunch when I saw the lousy poll ratings on Burger-eater favorability.  Just made the big move to boxers.  It’s all about being smart.”

Dweed thinks Shlembo will snap these coreless wonders into shape and get their thinking straight.  “Either that or they’re gonna have some sore backsides,”  Dweed is serious as a heart attack on this issue.  “Socialized medicine is the most critical fundamental building block in our drive to expunge the old capitalistic ways.  We can’t let it all fall apart because a couple confused dingleberries forgot how to wipe their  a$$#*!$.”