December 18th, 2009
Mr. Ambiguity holds bankers accountable
Good afternoon. Today we’re speaking with a member of the
Bizarreville White House cabinet. Your name is…
You can just call me Mr. Ambiguity.
Okay, fine, Mr. Ambiguity….we understand that you have
recently met with a host of ‘Fat Cat’ bankers (I believe that
is what you called them). These would be, what….the CEO’s
of some large banks?
Yes. We met with these overweight greedy
Master Bastards earlier this week. Read them the
full, unabridged Riot Act for causing the whole world
financial crisis, which put the country in this recession.
It was a brutal butt-chewing… poop on the ceiling.
I heard that you did all this over a lavish dinner of 2-inch
thick New York strip steaks, fine Napa cabernet, and
creme brulee.
Well, yes. We wanted to thank them for paying back the
stimulus funds early, several months ahead of schedule.
And for starting to ease up credit a bit for small
businesses out there.
I thought….I mean, earlier you sounded like you had been
angry at them for getting into trouble in the first place?
Damn straight. We pointed out in no uncertain terms
their loosey goosey lending policies…approving loans
for gold bricks and ne’er-do-wells who had no intention
on ever repaying. We told them if it ever happened
again, someone would be going to jail.
But weren’t you guys the ones who told them to make
credit easier so that more people could afford personal
homes?
Yes. And we thanked them for taking on such a
daunting challenge, responding to our suggestions.
They helped millions of people out there, literally
millions. We gave each one of the bankers a poinsetta
as a token of our deep appreciation.
Daunting challenge? They used all kinds of hedging and
derivative schemes with reinsurance tricks. Those guys
are professional bankers, for crying out loud…trained,
trained, and re-trained in proper accounting methods.
We agree. These knuckleheads know better. Have
half a mind to call their alma maters and revoke
their college degrees.
Why haven’t you done that already? What are you
waiting for…an Act of Congress?
Well, some Bankers have been pretty nice, outstanding
contributors to our campaign…hundreds of thousands
of dollars of welcome loot. In fact, a couple of them are
staying in the Chester Arthur bedroom as a reward for
being such loyal friends.
So they’ve basically pre-bought your silence, when it
comes to calling the college dean?
Hell no. In fact, I just put it on my To Do list. Here it
is…right here: Call Harvard on Tuesday. I’ll rip them
a new one Tuesday.
Well thank you, Mr. Ambiguity. You certainly have lived
up to your stellar reputation.
Thank you. It’s been a pleasure talking to you…except
for the times when it was boring and mundane. Where’s
the door….this way?
