bizarreville

Don Smerfnerd of Smerfnerd Investments is urging all customers to load up on gold, and do it now.  He says he is personally jumping on the bandwagon, joining the new cast of Gold Fever who have been coming out of the woodwork, citing the recently released Shlunkmann Economic Study that, he says, predicts gold could go as high as $2000 per ounce.

But the truth is, the Shlunkmann study, if anyone took the time to read it, never predicted gold would go to 2000.  The study itself was about self-fulfilling prophesies, the Pygmalion effect.  But it used the example if enough nutcases started predicting that gold would double in price, and ginned-up enough fear in the marketplace, it could all set in motion events that would actually cause the price of gold to double.  So, then what’s the deal with Smerfnerd?  Many of his colleagues have been wondering the same thing…why is Smerfnerd, a conservative investor, doing this?  He has never been one to buy at the high end of the market and get shmucked.

Turns out, our intrepid investigative reporter discovered that Smerf and a couple of his ex-Amway buddies devised a Buy Gold pyramid scheme.  It goes like this:  You buy some gold, then go pitch/grab some buddies to buy gold, who go hawk even more people to buy it, who then shake down some of their friends/family…and so on.  Feed the fear factor of world economic collapse, and roll out some drivel likening our situation to the fall of the Roman Empire.  Get someone to do a story of a family storing canned goods in their 60’s -era fallout shelter.  Toss in a Nostradamus prediction or two.  Develop a network of gold sellers, and grab a little commission on every layer in the sales pyramid.  Pocket some serious dough.

At some point, like all good pyramid schemes, it will all come crashing down.  Smerf will eventually run out of nimrods to suck into his web, and some people will start doing a little bit of gold dumping….then the gold price will plummet.  But by then, Smerf will likely have bailed on all his stash, pocketed a tidy profit, raked in enough commissions, and will be laughing all the way to the Caymans.  Smerfnerd could not be reached for comment.

The Chinese just announced that they will offer Bizarreville a newly-issued credit card to make it easier and convenient to make payments on the national debt.  As part of the package, the system will allow payments on-line from any Bizarreville Treasury computer, with a simple “Click and Doink” user-friendly method.

China has suggested, as a first step, transferring the $11 trillion (oops, just went over $12 trillion) National Debt to the card with no transfer fee.  They argue that rather than having T-bills spread across such a wide base, why not just do a bill consolidator loan into one central spot?  “Just like the poor shmuck who has a half-dozen personal loans who’s getting eaten up with minimum charges, and finally consolidates them into one huge home equity loan.  Just the sensible thing to do, right?”

The Chinese will offer low monthly minimum payment, in exchange for a slightly higher interest rate.  As a teaser, they will offer a 6.1% APR rate for the first six months, but then it will go up to 11.0% APR afterward.  Some Bizarrvillians were rebuffed initially at this high rate, but the Chinese said it was “…fixed for 20 years irregardless of any impending world financial meltdown.  In time…you’ll see.”

The Chinese are also offering a Rewards Points program with the new card.  The catalog has pages and pages of prizes, some pretty nice, but some pretty pathetic.  Lousy ones include several hundred thousand used Chinese military uniforms, and a 70’s-era Russian built “fixer-upper special” fighter jet.  Example of a good prizes include multiple-night stays at the new Macau casinos with $100 free seed gambling dollars.

Bizarreville economists probed into the details of the card, then asked that there be no prepayment penalty.  The Chinese busted out laughing uncontrollably at that notion.  After 12 minutes of this laugh-fest, the top Chinese economist said, “Sure.  No problem.”

B-Mart, Bizarreville’s largest discount chain, unveiled a new exciting strategy yesterday – its plans for entry into the primary medical care business.  Company spokesmen indicated it fits extremely well with the new government health care program, which will be seeking high-volume, quickie-care providers to displace the soon-to-be-obsolete model of slower deliberate medical care.

B-Mart is particularly well-suited to this new model of care.  The company built its enormous business on providing cheap consumer crap to the masses.  “This is exactly what the new health system will be wanting…especially when demand skyrockets as whiney hordes want their noses wiped, just as more and more “conventional” doctors bolt and retire.  Someone needs to fill the void, and it might as well be us.”

B-Mart plans to displace their underperforming Auto Parts department with this new, fast-growth department.  “Who buys their own oil filters anymore?  Go to Jiffy Lube.”

B-Mart’s creative engineering team has come up with an innovative moving sidewalk approach to maximize patient throughput.  The people mover will be similar to what one might see at some airports today.  Patients will jump on board, and travel from station to station:

– Patient will swipe their credit card at the start, and punch the ailment button from a menu choice

– At the first station, vitals will be checked by an octogenarian quasi-nurse, just promoted from the Greeter job, and given an official looking nurse hat.

– Next station: urine test station, which may get a little tricky and will require some degree of coordination and dexterity to prevent making a disgusting mess.

– Pass through a combination x-ray/CAT scan machine for a quick flash.  The pictures are never developed nor used, but it gives the patient the confidence that something real is happening.

– A real doctor (not necessarily the brightest bulb in the fixture, but one who does have a bonefide shingle) will do what real doctors do:  look down your throat and ears, ask you to cough, thump a few things, then write down a lot of blurbage on a record of some sort.  If time permits, the doc may ask you what specifically your problem is, but this information is not critical to the overall process.

– An automated shot dispenser gives you one in the hiney of some predetermined concoction of goop.  Meanwhile an automatic printer spits out a fresh prescription for you to take over to the Rx counter.

B-Mart thinks they will revolutionize meatball health care just like they revolutionized mass junk retail.  They are thinking an introductory price would be $9.95 per visit…and that cost may even be picked up by the government in the Public Option.  Clearly, innovation is back in full swing at B-Mart and they are ready for the next wave of mass customers.

Bizarreville is trying to quickly follow New Hampshire’s initiative – a government requirement to provide 6 paid sick days off per year for each and every employee on the payroll.  Government officials are not exactly making it a requirement to be sick 6 days/year, but admit that it would be “extremely helpful” if all people would contract some ailment to meet the specified quota.  “There are many ailments out there, but Flu would certainly be a suggested choice, and there are many, many places where it can be gotten.”  Officials are dissuading people from catching the Cold, because that is often considered too lame an excuse for taking a day off.

Shmelker Industries claimed that this was the stupidest idea since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution.  Historians, however, responded that this comment was inaccurate, and that there were considerably more ideas stupider than this one:  the Edsel, new Coke, Mr. Potato Head, to name a few.  Shmelker quipped they used to give lapel pins for perfect attendance but were now being mandated to give them to all who miss 6 days of work or less.  “Maybe we should call it Fair-To-Midlin Attendance, rather than Perfect Attendance?”  Unamused officials said, “No, six or less is perfect…don’t be a punk.”

Labor unions have been generally positive about the change but insisted that “overstress” also be considered a legitimate reason for taking a day, and that Doctor Bartender be authorized as a sanctioned treatment center.  Officials indicated that this would comply with the reg, but the employee would have to  get a signed slip from the bartender before returning to work.

Some opponents have argued that this is just another example of government control mania…wanting to take over more and more aspects of business and personal life oversight.  The government response to that: “What was that guy’s name, and where does he live?”

Shlumbucker Inc. said that this concept of paying for nothing is spreading to the other areas of their business.  A bearing supplier recently sent them a pallet of empty boxes, but still invoiced for full payment.  The situation was a bit embarrassing for execs at Derford Bearing Company, but they tried to lighten things up, “Guess those bearings were just sick that day and decided to stay home (ha, ha).”  Later, those execs checked into Bizarreville Hospital with minor contusions/lacerations to their ears from scraping on asphalt.

Bizarreville leaders just got back from what they termed a “quasi-successful” diplomatic trip to China.  The trip purpose was primarily economic – to discuss the crippling trade deficit that’s reaching epic proportions, and also to try to sell them an assortment of large bridges and a lot-ful of used Chrysler LeBaron convertibles.

The Bizarreville contingent had started by suggesting the Chinese open their markets to Bizarreville goods.  But the Chinese responded “Your garbage is the best quality product you make, and we’re already buying much of that (ha, ha).  But seriously, we’re thinking about importing some of your Chinese eggrolls….yours are much tastier and crisper…must use better grease.  Might even go ahead and have you ship us the grease, too.  Yeah, take a note…one supertanker load of grease, ship it to the port of Shanghai.”

Bizarrevillians hinted that the Chi-coms might be dumping athletic footwear products in their markets, but made no outright accusation.  One Bizarreville economist chided that “You can’t sell Air Smellbom shoes in Bizarreville at cheaper prices than you sell them in your home market.”  But the Chinese responded, “Pfffft…hey, our comrade citizens don’t even buy that expensive crap, if they even buy shoes at all.”  Bizarreville leaders explained that China just needed to stop exporting so darn much stuff to them.  But Chinese suggested, “Why don’t you go back to that ‘Made in Bizarreville’ shtick you tried a few years back?  Wasn’t that WalMart that was pitching that drool?  Our guys laughed like hell during that fiasco…man, that was precious!”

Bizarreville leaders concluded that, while not much progress was made on the economic front, at least they made the Chinese leaders laugh.  “After all, laughter is a key element in building a strong diplomatic foundation for a long-term sustainable partnership.”  That statement made the Chinese laugh even more, “Ha, ha, ha…you guys really crack me up…..ha, ha, ha, ha…stop it man, I’m dying here…ho, ho, ho…Ooooh, I’m busting a gut…ha, ha, ha, ha.”

A special task force was formed last week to develop workable solutions and countermeasures to halt the growing fear of Sarah Palin in Bizarreville’s left wing community.  Even the nighttime TV talk show comic hosts can be seen sweating profusely when joking about her, prompting complaints from their guests about the host’s BO during the couch interviews.  “He might need to take a quick shower during commercial break…either that or start joking about someone less fearful during the monologue.  If not, I’m wearing a clothespin on my nose next time,” cracked one Hollywood actor recent guest.  “Hey, even I start sweating in the Green Room when her name comes up…almost caused me to forget my pitch lines for my upcoming movie ‘Brokebutt Mountain’.  Geez.”

Clearly, Sarah’s radical ideas of small government, accountability, fiscal responsibility, family, and patriotism do not play well in the left corners of Bizarreville.  The small government argument, in particular, seems to fan the biggest fear flames.  “We have worked for generations to create a huge bureaucracy.  Our gampaws and great-grampaws fought tooth and nail for every little new worthless agency, new goofball department, new half-baked program, new flaky handout.  Are we going to let all their hard work just get flushed down the toilet?  They’d be turning over in their graves, so unproud of our lack of guts to hold the line on these cuts.”

“I’ve heard Sarah talk, and she’s serious, just a little too serious, thank you very much.  I mean the other lame politicians would get up there and blabber about cutting down the size of government…blah, blah, blah, blah.  But we all knew they were just blowing hot air, and that once they got into Power, they’d fall right in line with our fine legacy of knuckleheads.  But I don’t think Sarah’s got the knucklehead in her.  This is a serious, serious threat…let me tell you.”

The task force main focus will be to continue to find absurd ways to make fun of Sarah…the old “make her look stupid, trashy, disconnected” ruse.  Some on the committee are concerned that that card has already been overplayed, and might backfire.  They want some new bold discreditation strategy, even if they have to make stuff up, or stage events.  “The Hollywood community has pledged to help us produce whatever films, videos, or other media to support this Bash & Trash strategy.” 

The task force has committed to issue their report including Marching Orders to the Left Wingers and Left Leaners by their May 1st Holiday.

Reports are surfacing of much sinister deal-making by Leaders squirming to get votes to pass the new Bizarreville Health Care program. It’s going to be a close vote, so they’re exercising their creativity like never before.

Allegedly, leaders promised one lawmaker that his district would get funding for an all-new theme park if he voted YES on the bill.  The park would create thousands of new jobs.  When Leaders were challenged about this shenanigan, the Whip explained it would be a “Medical Theme” theme park with roller coasters that look like giant arteries and coaster cars outfitted to look like clots.  There would be simulators that take riders on exciting, adventurous trips up the human bowel.  “It would be an educational experience like no other for the kids, and a perfect fit with the intent of the proposed Health Care bill to better educate the public,” said the Leaders.

Another lawmaker was wavering on his vote, so Leaders threw him a bone…funding to rebuild each and every highway in his district.  The decision was rationalized by saying those potholes and rough roads were creating teeth-jarring impacts on backs and spinal columns, running up health costs for the citizenry.  Fixing the roads and reducing these costs would greatly help pay for the huge bureaucracy that would be necessary to drive the whole program.  The Lawmaker tried to hold out for all concrete roads, but reluctantly settled on some asphalt in the final negotiated deal.

A 3rd lawmaker, Ernest Drooper, wanted his back scratched at least as much as those other two.  Drooper and the Leaders wrestled through several negotiating sessions to delve into what greasing-of-the-skids would be needed to change his vote.  Finally, they agreed to build a modest-size pharmaceutical research laboratory focused on eliminating corns on baby toes…apparently a huge problem among his constituents.  The Corn Toe Lab will break ground early next year.

So, it’s looking like the Health Care bill is getting the bolstering it needs for passage.  There could be some additional vote leakage as word gets out of the flim-flamming going on, and other lawmakers demand their fair share of beak-wetting.  But Leaders plan to hurry the bill through, while Pandora’s box is still partially closed.

Bizarreville citizens are getting suspicious.  First it was the whole business of the Feds commissioning the medical study that ultimately concluded that women did not need annual mammograms, in fact did not need to even start until 50 years old.  Frustration could clearly be seen on the faces of Officials in the Health Dept, almost to the point of shock.  Later,  it leaked out that they were looking for a frequency of every 5 years, starting at age 60.

Soon after, another curious study showed up in press releases.  This one concluded that clipping toenails would prevent catching the flu…and this was much more effective than stupid flu vaccines at 25 bucks a pop.  The study also pointed out that toenail clipping was much lower risk than going to your doctor’s office and incubating in his germ-infested scuzz-bucket waiting room, departing with new ailments.

But then, a 3rd study was published recommending all citizens smoke at least 3 packs of cigarettes a day.  The stated rationale was that the enormous amount of inhaled tar essentially built an impenetrable protective shield, preventing nearly all types of parasites and microbes from entering the body.  Plus, the abundant poisonous additives mixed into the tobacco would be very effective killing cancer cells and other unwanted nasties.  The study further recommended that all restaurants revert back to putting No Smoking areas in lousy back corners of the room, like was done in the old days, thus flip-flopping the 2nd class citizen designation.

Skeptics say that these whacky studies do not pass the Smell Test…in point of fact, they smell like 6-month old stale liverwurst sandwiches stuffed in a gym locker with well-perspired undergarments.  Nevertheless, Bizarreville authorities have stamped the studies as “Official”, and are using the results to help mold the new upcoming Health Care program.  “Smells like money to me,” one official was quoted saying.

In a recent interview with Randy Spurn, the head of Bizarreville’s largest service employees union, the BSEIU, our reporter probed into his deep beliefs on capitalism vis-a-vis other economic models.

“The problem basically goes back 223 years when those crazies in Philadelphia drafted up that Declaration thing.  They were all reading the radical teachings of that nutball Adam Smith, who ushered in this whole free-market, competitive structure, willy-nilly independence thing.  I think Smith was probably some kind of 18th century drug kingpin, or something.  You know, before that, there were rules.  And there were heavies right at hand to bust some chops of any rule-breakers.  Bottom line:  it worked.

“And now we’re seeing the fall-out from these 223 years of party/orgy/greed.  You see poor people in the ghetto who can only afford one measly flat-screen HD television, who have to buy ground chuck instead of ground round, and who must scrimp and save just to be able to afford two lousy packs of cigarettes a day.  Many are cutting back weekly lottery ticket purchases to under $25/week.  It’s tough out there.

“Even my people in the Union with our lousy pensions are having to wait until they’re 57 or 58 years old before they can retire.  Meanwhile, they’re busting their backs working 40 hours a week with only 4 or 5 breaks during the day…then getting criticized and harassed just because they happen to enjoy occasional sluff-off time at work.  Who doesn’t enjoy a little sluff time?  I mean, come on.

“And it’s all because these greedy CEOs are skimming the cream.  Yeah sure, they claim they work 80 hour weeks, 7-days a week, Blackberried to every little thing that happens….baaaah.  They’re all a bunch of crooks taking advantage of my dear members just because they’re uneducated, unskilled, uncoordinated, and smell kinda bad.  It’s discrimination, and needs to stop now.”

Shortly after the interview, Spurn was taken back to his rest home (paid for with BSEIU union dues), where he was administered his normal medications.

The Bizarreville Labor Dept is proud to announce that another 50 thousand job losses were avoided last month.  This marks the 6th consecutive month of job loss avoidances, which Dept officials cite as evidence of a significant rebound in the economy.

As you know, Job loss avoidances are determined by telephoning a sample of businesses and asking them “If things don’t get better fast, will you have to shut down?”  Then asking them, “Do you know that Congress recently passed a Stimulus bill?”  If the answers are YES to both questions, that is considered an official Job Loss Avoidance.  Numbers are then tallied, and statistical extrapolations are used to determine the nationwide estimate.

Unfortunately, slightly dampening that good news was the report that there were 30 thousand Job Gain Avoidances during the month.  Several large expansions by Bizarreville companies were abruptly cancelled, when certain favorable tax incentives were dropped.  Legislators had called for these tax revisions, claiming that the firms were getting “just too darn greedy”, and needed to pay more of their Fair share.  One of the firms, Melfnerd Industries, decided to pull up stakes altogether and move the company to Botswana where the economic climate is better, and Leaders actually want the jobs there.  Many legislators have dismissed the Job Gain Avoidance number as being “totally speculative and hypothetical, aimed at dampening an otherwise rosy picture.”

The Labor Dept also reported that Mean Wage Gain Avoidance was high last month, but Executive Compensation Loss Avoidance was much less than expected.  “More evidence of the growing Avoidance disparity between the high-end and low-end of the pay scale,” cited liberally-minded Dept officials.  “With consumer price inflation avoidance less than expected and crude oil price decline avoidance less than originally projected, there continues to be a ratcheting squeeze on the lower middle class…particularly those who failed to avoid the mortgage crunch.”

A night class is being scheduled at Bizarreville Community College to explain economic avoidance theory.  At this point, however, the College is still searching for someone who would know how to teach it.

The new provision in the Bizarreville Health Care program forcing jail time on those who defiantly refuse to buy Health Care has set off a bit of a storm.  And rightly so.  The detractors correctly point out that prisons are presently over-crowded, which has allowed some thieves and murderers to be let out early…back on the street to their lives of pilfering, maiming, and other thuggery.  Critics argue that this new Health Care provision will just put more dirt-baggage on the street where gang goons are ready to swoop down and whisk them back to the nest.

But the clever legislators had already thought about that, and worked up a solution.  There will be considerable funding in the gradiose Health Care program to build a new nationwide array of jails for the new class of scofflaws…Health Care Ditchers Prisons.  Each will be a cookie-cutter replica of each other, with a moderate level of security to keep these rascals rounded-up.  And each prison will be fully staff to administer rehabilitative health care, and lots of it…daily checkups with lots of pokes and probes, enemas, generic drugs and placebos 8 times/day, bland healthy meals with lots of oats.  “We will drive this anti-health care behavior clean out of them, excuse the pun.  They will either learn to love it, or they will get more and more of it.  The most ornery will be put in solitary with a round-the-clock nurse, continually taking blood pressure and anal temperature.  We believe in rehabilitation, and the Health Care Ditcher Prison concept will make it happen.”

These Idealists believe that, once released, the Cons will rejoin society and pony-up for the health care insurance without gripes or acts of violent defiance.  “They may not go for all the supplemental coverages, but they will shell out for the Basic package, believe me.  That aggravating streak of independence will be mollified…replaced with a new sense of toe-the-line conformity.”

There will also be a Health Care Ditchers federal agency to manage and enforce the rules.  Already, the agency is gathering names of likely culprits.  They are particularly looking at Apple Computer users as a breeding ground, since these people in the past have typically exhibited severe conformity issues, and could be trouble-some.

Meanwhile, the agency is also developing a national advertising campaign to give all citizens fair warning.  It will be based on the theme tag line:  “Buy or Fry” …a message sure to convince the reluctant ones to sign up quickly for the health insurance program, whether they want it or not.

Congressman Burfman, supported overwhelmingly by his constituents, is pressing hard for passage of his Beer Amendment in the Health Care bill.  The Beer Amendment would classify beer as a prescription medication under the auspices of the FDA.

Initially, many were against the concept of having beer under federal authority…the oversight, the bureaucrazy, the numbskull rules and regulations, etc.  But Burfman explained how it would work under the new Health Care plan.

“Here’s how it would work.  You go to your family doctor, and claim that you’re totally stressed-out, causing palpitations, tremors, headaches, whatever.  The Doc prescribes beer…and not some wimpy “Light” beer, but a full-bodied pale ale…and makes the prescription to specify taking one six-pack per day.  Now here’ s where the fun comes in.  You go to the mail order prescription firm, and get a 90-day supply for a lousy $10 co-pay.  Huh??  That’s right!!  You get 540 premium pale ales, over 22 cases of brewskies for one sawbuck.  I believe that comes to 2 cents per beer, if my math is correct.  Now is this an idea we can all find some common ground on?  Can we cross the aisle, shake hands on this?”

The Budget Office is running the numbers.  But their preliminary analysis is that this would be a hell of a lot cheaper than some of the so-called “regular” nervous/anxiety meds priced out the wazoo.  It appears they will give it the green light.

Meanwhile, some of the old fogies in the Bizarreville Congress object that this whole thing is totally ridiculous, absurd, and out of the question, “Beer medicine…baaaah.”  But Burfman replies, “Why not a Beer Amendment?  There’s a lot more stupid stuff in the freaking Health Care bill than the Beer Amendment.”