November 21st, 2009
Slinky dealmaking is helping get health care bill done
Reports are surfacing of much sinister deal-making by Leaders squirming to get votes to pass the new Bizarreville Health Care program. It’s going to be a close vote, so they’re exercising their creativity like never before.
Allegedly, leaders promised one lawmaker that his district would get funding for an all-new theme park if he voted YES on the bill. The park would create thousands of new jobs. When Leaders were challenged about this shenanigan, the Whip explained it would be a “Medical Theme” theme park with roller coasters that look like giant arteries and coaster cars outfitted to look like clots. There would be simulators that take riders on exciting, adventurous trips up the human bowel. “It would be an educational experience like no other for the kids, and a perfect fit with the intent of the proposed Health Care bill to better educate the public,” said the Leaders.
Another lawmaker was wavering on his vote, so Leaders threw him a bone…funding to rebuild each and every highway in his district. The decision was rationalized by saying those potholes and rough roads were creating teeth-jarring impacts on backs and spinal columns, running up health costs for the citizenry. Fixing the roads and reducing these costs would greatly help pay for the huge bureaucracy that would be necessary to drive the whole program. The Lawmaker tried to hold out for all concrete roads, but reluctantly settled on some asphalt in the final negotiated deal.
A 3rd lawmaker, Ernest Drooper, wanted his back scratched at least as much as those other two. Drooper and the Leaders wrestled through several negotiating sessions to delve into what greasing-of-the-skids would be needed to change his vote. Finally, they agreed to build a modest-size pharmaceutical research laboratory focused on eliminating corns on baby toes…apparently a huge problem among his constituents. The Corn Toe Lab will break ground early next year.
So, it’s looking like the Health Care bill is getting the bolstering it needs for passage. There could be some additional vote leakage as word gets out of the flim-flamming going on, and other lawmakers demand their fair share of beak-wetting. But Leaders plan to hurry the bill through, while Pandora’s box is still partially closed.
