November 18th, 2009
Sixth consecutive month of job loss avoidances is clear evidence of economic rebound
The Bizarreville Labor Dept is proud to announce that another 50 thousand job losses were avoided last month. This marks the 6th consecutive month of job loss avoidances, which Dept officials cite as evidence of a significant rebound in the economy.
As you know, Job loss avoidances are determined by telephoning a sample of businesses and asking them “If things don’t get better fast, will you have to shut down?” Then asking them, “Do you know that Congress recently passed a Stimulus bill?” If the answers are YES to both questions, that is considered an official Job Loss Avoidance. Numbers are then tallied, and statistical extrapolations are used to determine the nationwide estimate.
Unfortunately, slightly dampening that good news was the report that there were 30 thousand Job Gain Avoidances during the month. Several large expansions by Bizarreville companies were abruptly cancelled, when certain favorable tax incentives were dropped. Legislators had called for these tax revisions, claiming that the firms were getting “just too darn greedy”, and needed to pay more of their Fair share. One of the firms, Melfnerd Industries, decided to pull up stakes altogether and move the company to Botswana where the economic climate is better, and Leaders actually want the jobs there. Many legislators have dismissed the Job Gain Avoidance number as being “totally speculative and hypothetical, aimed at dampening an otherwise rosy picture.”
The Labor Dept also reported that Mean Wage Gain Avoidance was high last month, but Executive Compensation Loss Avoidance was much less than expected. “More evidence of the growing Avoidance disparity between the high-end and low-end of the pay scale,” cited liberally-minded Dept officials. “With consumer price inflation avoidance less than expected and crude oil price decline avoidance less than originally projected, there continues to be a ratcheting squeeze on the lower middle class…particularly those who failed to avoid the mortgage crunch.”
A night class is being scheduled at Bizarreville Community College to explain economic avoidance theory. At this point, however, the College is still searching for someone who would know how to teach it.
