bizarreville

At his recent budget balance press conference, the President suggested that billionaires need to have more skin in the game, and pucker up for higher taxes. This comment prompted a group of investigative reporters to seek out and survey some billionaires to get their reaction. The reporter consortium published their findings in yesterday’s edition of the Bizarreville Daily Moon.

The results were surprising. One hundred billionaires were found, mostly playing bad golf at exclusive country clubs, pounding martinis at swanky clubs, or sunning their wrinkles on various-sized yachts. When asked how they felt about a 3 or 4 percent tax bump, the general response was: “Huh? Beats the s#!$ out of me. Why don’t you go ask my Accountant. He’s that flunky over there mixing me a cocktail at the bar. Ask him to whip you up one of these peach mojitos. Have him splash a little moonshine in it, then hold onto the rail.”

The report concluded that clearly the issue of raising taxes on all 100 billionaires by 3, 4, maybe 5 percent would have very little negative pushback from the affected parties…most of whom would instruct their Accountants to go find some new tax shelter anyway, and start earning their keep. It suggests that it should be relatively simple for the Congress and President to come to quick consensus on this Easy Button tax adder.

But members of the More Tax Now & Forever advocacy group point out that this is not enough, not nearly enough, to cover the important spending needs of our time. They point out that there are still people here living below the poverty line, some with only one flatscreen TV, many who are forced to continue to use cumbersome, old-fashioned non-Smart cell phones. They point out that many Bridges to Nowhere are starting to crumble, let alone the Bridges to New Nowheres that were promised, but never built. They further point out that the proposed Unemployment Retirement program, which would provide important retirement benefits to people who have been dutifully collecting unemployment checks for up to 20 years, has still not been passed. They suggest that there are so many studies that could be done–investigating the mating habits of cockroaches, weed propogation in western deserts, and the kinetics of a slinky as it flops down stairs. But none of this important work can be done without bold new taxes. They plead that it is time to decide what kind of nation we want to be.

But as the tax debate continues, it seems apparent that billionaires will be asked to contribute more of their fair share. One billionaire CEO responded, “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just tell my Board to give me a raise to compensate for it.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you would swear are true.

Bizarreville economists have dubbed the current economic climate as the Obama-nation Recovery.  It is different than most other recoveries in that it features no jobs, a pathetic housing market in the dumpster, and uncontrolled skyrocketing federal spending on stuff totally unrelated to helping the economy.

“Hey, you can’t have everything,” one of the Economic Council members commented.  “At least the banks are still open…they are still open aren’t they?  Yeah, they are.  I drove by one this morning.  Whew!”

Critics have called the Obama-nation Recovery a concoction of smoke, mirrors, spaghetti, and beer farts.  “Smells as bad as it looks,” commented an adversary, who wished to only be known as Mr. Onionbreath.  ” I think the smell receptors inside my nose have melted down.”

One ice cream shop owner expressed her concern about the prospect of an upcoming Double dip recession on her near-term business.  “There’s no way we can start giving a free 2nd dip to customers, just cuz the President says so.  If we’re forced, we’ll just have to raise our single dip price…maybe even our Kiddie dip price.  And I’ll assure you, that won’t make the mommas and grammaws happy.  Besides…and we’ve seen it before…when you start putting a 2nd dip on kid’s cones, it ends up on the floor making a mess.  And you-know-who gets to clean it up.  Have they thought about that?”

Members of the Economic Council have suggested that further recovery must start by incentives at the retail level.  “Stores need to start giving crap away…you know, the kind of junky, mold-encrusted merchandise that is not selling anyway.  Give it free when you buy a couch, or a swimsuit, or a set of bedsheets.  It all stimulates people buying…gets wallets out of their Captain Kangaroo pockets.  They love free stuff…don’t even care if it’s garbage that they would never use in 1000 years.  It’s like tossed beads at Mardi Gras parades.  It’s free.  It’s good.”

The Obama-nation Recovery is facing a stressful stretch, as the stock market has started behaving erratically, businesses have pulled back on capital investment, and congress cannot seem to quell their narcotic-like spending addiction.  Nevertheless, the President maintains his optimism in the spirit of the people, who are used to sucking it up and prepping for another pounding.

“People are resilient,” an administration spokesperson said.  “You throw them into a wall, they bounce back.  You drop 80 pounds of stool on their head, they rinse it off.  You drop kick them through the goal posts, they score.  It all works out.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you’d swear are true.

After days and days of dodging questions about whether the famous Twitter photo was a depiction of him, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally issued a firm denial that it was his weiner in the shot.  “Let me just clear the record,” Weiner stated.  “My staff has completed a thorough investigation of this matter, and has proof beyond any shadow of a doubt that the protruding member is not mine, nor anyone in my close circle.”

Weiner refused to go on record with the specific evidence of proof, but inside sources say that the sizing was the critical determinant.  The source said there was a time in his life when he might have been that large, but his liberalness over past decades would have shrunk it by 30 to 40 percent.  Furthermore, his pathetic voting record on tough-minded spending cuts would have essentially drained all the testosterone from his body, which in turn, would have caused another 15 to 18% shrivelling.  Urological experts agree that there is no way such a flaming gutless liberal could generate or maintain that size.

Congressman Weiner continues to bristle at the jokes between the male member and his proud family surname, according to his chief of staff L. Richard Schwantz.  “He has been teased, ridiculed, jabbed, and made fun of since he was 7 years old,” Schwantz stated.  “He has endured the cackles, smirks, and spit-takes everytime his name is announced in public.  For a time in college, he tried to get everyone to pronounce with the German pronunciation “Veener”, but everyone just laughed and said, ‘Okay, Weiner Boy.'”

The congressman is expecting to be the butt of an additional round of Late Night talk show jokes with this new revelation and associated rumor of sizing deficiency.  The Main stream press, however, is expected to continue to go easy on him, since the vast majority of mainstream reporters have suffered from the same embarrassing shrinkage affliction.  Some reporters have allegedly gone as far as employing prosthetics in public appearances to disguise their issue, and are likely to be extremely sympathetic to the congressman in their ongoing coverage, and may even offer some campaigning advice.

In the meantime, the congressman has deep-sixed his Twitter account to prevent any copy-cat weiner shooters from hacking into his account.  He has also changed his Facebook user name from Weiner Face to New York Hosebag, supposedly a throwback to an old family name on his mother’s side.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear must be real.

More congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are now belatedly recognizing that the Debt can stand no more raising.  This realization has apparently come after these lunks and lunk staffs had been barraged with phone calls from their 4th and 5th grade Math teachers, who scolded them on their failure to understand basic arithmetic…and in particular their seemingly total obliviousness to the chapter on “Subtraction”.  The scoldings have appeared to have hit home, as many voted down the recent attempt to raise the debt ceiling.

Mrs. Marge Flumpzit, who was the elementary school teacher of Harry Reid, was an outspoken member of this band of teachers.  Flumzit, who is now 97 years old, still remembers the precocious Reid who was always throwing spitballs at the girls in class while she was trying to explain how subtraction worked…and how it was quite different from addition.  Flumpzit was able, in those days, to be able to whack Reid with a yardstick or fire a piece of chalk at his ear if he was not paying full attention.  But, she says, it did no good as Reid would resume his spitball fettish moments later.  “The bad thing,” she lamented, “was that I’d have to go clean up those disgusting, slimy balls of snotty goo after class.  Some of them would literally stick to the wall.  Yeah, I don’t think that kid retained one lousy ounce of subtraction knowledge.”

Experts in the field of Mathematics Education have explained that this phenomenon is not that uncommon, particularly among dimwits.  Jonathan Wanker, the Executive Director of the Mathnerd Institute, says that kids with lightly loaded melons often struggle with the difficult concepts of subtraction and division, frequently turning to a variety of distractions, which may include daydreaming, writing little notes to classmates, or wetting their pants, as defensive measures.

The sad thing, Wanker states, is that all too frequently these subtraction-ignoramuses tend to find careers in Politics.  Their lack of fluency with Subtraction can, and has, become a real danger to the unsuspecting public, who often have trouble understanding how a congress person or senator can really be that dumb.  The public just does not realize, according to Wanker, that some people are not wired to process this “higher level” math, no matter how much tutoring or yardstick whacking they receive.

Wanker sas that, eventually, citizens may require that politicians take a simple arithmetic test, including plenty of subtraction problems, before being allowed to register as a candidate.  The test may have subtraction problems that are 5, 6, or maybe even 9 digits long to really test the skill level and competency.  This, he says, may not screen out all the numbskulls, but it could certainly make a dent.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

The battle continues in Capitol Valley on what to do about The Debt.  The Debt, as most people know, is an old ramshackle building next door to the Bizarreville Capitol where all the IOU’s are kept that have stemmed from the rampant mindless government borrowings to fund its wild and crazy spending spree over many years.

In early times, the IOU’s were neatly filed in beautiful oak file cabinets, alphabetized by lender, with an army of secretaries doing the filing in crisp manila folders.  As the IOU rate accelerated, the oak cabinets became jammed full, and they had to buy some cheap metal cabinets…later ratcheting down to cardboard cabinets.  But, after a while, the incoming IOU’s were just too rapid-fire, so they went with plain old brown boxes.  Soon after, when the job of “secretary” was eliminated by Bizarreville courts as being “too demeaning to the soul…a reprehensible exploitation of women…an excuse to have glorified waitresses shlepping coffee for a bunch of lazy suits,” the organized filing simply ceased.  IOU’s were just dollied into rooms, closets, and hallways, and dumped helter skelter.  Papers were strewn everywhere.

When all the available space was packed as tight as a colon on a no-fiber diet, the Elders determined that the only solution was to raise The Debt ceiling, and add another flat of rooms.  That would free up some space in lower floors, so they said, in case anyone wanted to navigate through the mess to pay off a few of the IOU’s.  Unfortunately, though, before the next floor was even roughed-in, it began to fill with new truckloads of IOU paperwork, promissory notes being shuttled in continuously.  The Bizarreville fathers hurriedly raised the ceiling again, and started construction of another floor.  The lack of time for architectural planning or construction oversight caused a few, mostly cosmetic, issues to develop which were corrected with careful gerryrigging.

The Spenders were happy with the solution of adding more and more floors.  Sure, the building was ugly, but it was functional, and really that’s all that mattered.  The IOU’s were in a place that was mostly dry except in torrential rainstorms.  And without secretaries, there was none of the constant whining and bellyaching about crowded conditions, as there had been previously.  Curtains were purchased for the windows, drawn closed, so that no one would have to see the mess inside.

The Ceiling raising solution was one that everyone could be happy about…that is, until the Bizarreville Building Engineer finally insisted on an inspection.  In his report, he pointed out that The Debt was an unstable, overloaded fire hazard that would likely crash to the ground within 12 months.  Naturally, he was fired the next day for his delusional scare tactics, irresponsible analytics, and offensive personal hygiene.

In his aftermath, however, the debate has continued to resound about the quality of the building and structural soundness.  Legislators point out that The Debt has become a tourist attraction, especially by foreign visitors who marvel and love to take photographs of it.  “The Debt has so much more character than that silly leaning tower in Pisa,” one world traveler commented.  “No comparison.  This photo is going up in my Rec Room next to a couple Andy Warhol soup cans.”

Rumors have started that maybe Congress would stop their manic hyper-spending, negating the need to raise The Debt ceiling anymore.  “Hope not,” another shutterbug answered.  “At least not until they add one or two more floors to this wobbly piece of crap.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would like to be true.

The Bizarreville Supreme Court announced its controversial decision in a split 5-4 vote that will order the entire congress to be replaced by bobblehead dolls.  This move would include both the 435 member House and 100 member Senate, for a total of 535 bobbleheads.  The units will be ordered from Bilgewater Bobblers Inc, at a discounted price of $9.99 per doll.

The action, as most people know, was part of a sweeping program to drastically cut the costs of running the bloated government, whose spending had spiralled out of control.  It was promptly challenged in the Courts, but in writing the majority opinion, the Chief Justice wrote, “The body had become a nest of whiny, bickering, prima-donna knuckleheads whose every step had been a wrong step, whose every new law had become fubar, and whose leadership had reminded us of ElmerFudd.  The founders would have opted for this course-shift long ago…”

Bilgewater says that they can deliver a variety of doll types to meet the Court’s instructions for diversity.  They will offer some dolls that bobble up and down, some that bobble sideways, basically mimicking the affirmative nods or negative head shakes of their human counterparts in their respective parties.  They can be specified with solid blockheads or mushy marshmallow noggens.  And they will come in a range of designer colors and odors, including the newest offerings:  shocking pink onion loaf and blue bayou swamp gas.

Accountants estimate the Bobblehead Replacement Initiative (BRI) will save $50 billion per year or more, when just considering their salaries, outrageous perqs, bulging staff costs, frivolous office supply wastage, and of course, the ever-expanding itineraries of boondoggles.  More importantly, the initiatve will save hundreds of billions by squelching the spendaholism disease that has ravaged the body of people who, sadly, just can’t say “No”.   Some have likened them to Miss Ado Annie in the play ‘Oklahoma’, who sang that she just ‘Cain’t say no’ to fellers…the difference being, of course, that the citizens are on the other end of the sexual experience.

Polls of citizens suggest a concern that the new bobbleheads won’t represent them as well as humans.  A protest group of well over 12 people descended on the Courthouse after the announcement.  “You can’t be serious,” cried one protestor.  “These dolls are just going to blankly stand there like bozos in front of Town Hall meetings, pretend to listen to constituents, while just bobbling their little heads the whole time, and ultimately doing nothing worthwhile….come to think of it, I guess there’s not so much difference after all.  Scratch that.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority.  They have stated that it is a program that no one wants:  businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan.  If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?

“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied.  “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed.  These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors.  They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.”  He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance.  These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.

“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter.  “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”

“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied.  “You gotta beef?  Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie.  No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders.  That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless.  After all, jobs are jobs.”

Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed.  He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction.  “Next step:  We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs.  The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more.  Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”

The Earmarks Rehab Clinic administrators have announced that the clinic is now officially open for business.  But, they warn that the reservation spots are filling quickly, so are encouraging lawmakers to register as soon as possible, before the Waiting Line begins.

As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation.  The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children.  One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend.  The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks.  In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes.  Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.

Happily, help is on the way.  The Earmark Rehab Clinic employs a 9-step program to thoroughly cleanse them of their earmark addiction.  “It starts with a physical cleansing,” the Chief Nurse explained.  “We use enemas, lots and lots of enemas, dozens each day to clear the fecal backup that is inevitably part of the problem.  We also do a nostril enema to clear that backup.  We flush all the nasty stuff out, and that seems to relieve the pressure on their noggens somehow.”

The Head physician then went on to explain the next steps, which he half-kiddingly referred to as “mental enemas”.  The clinic uses a series of mental tests, psychological counseling, ouiga boards, and hypnosis to work on the addict’s behaviors.  The hypnosis is particularly interesting, as the staff turns the patients into a squawking flock of birds, or a raging pack of donkeys.  “The donkey bit might not change their behavior much, but it’s certainly entertaining to the staff around here.  What a riot when they all start hee-hawing in harmony!”

The head of administration said that their January schedule is now full, but there are a few openings still left in February.  They explained that no lame duck lawmakers will be allowed to register until all the re-elected addicts have gotten their chances for earmark rehabilitation.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were real.

Bizarreville Health officials are seriously worried over the recent epidemic of total deafness among liberal senators.  They have called for an immediate confab of Ear, Nose, and Throat specialists nationwide to diagnose the source of the problem and develop a solution path, before the ailment spreads outside this group. 

The outbreak appears to have happened as the senators voted to pass the so-called “Tax Cut extension” bill.  The 2000 page bill, erroneously sold to the public as a tax cutting measure, actually contains 6000 spending earmarks, costing billions.  The earmarks include such lame-brainness as a peanut research program, mosquito trapping research, and a swine waste management study.  It was not clear if the “swine” referred to pigs or senators…or whether there was really any significant difference in the makeup of their waste products anyway.

A senior senator on the Appropriations committee was asked by reporters whether he had listened to the voice of citizens during the last election who demanded spending cuts and fiscal responsibility.  “Huh?” the senator responded.  He was then asked if he had heard the cries by voters to get the dang Federal budget deficit under control and eliminate the irresponsible Earmark program.  He answered, “What was that??  Are you talking to me?”  Another reporter asked whether he had any clue about how to balance any sort of freaking budget, or whether he and his colleagues were simply too inept to do basic math.  The senator replied, “I see your lips moving.  Are you a mime or something?  Man, it sure got quiet in here.”

An opposing party official was asked why this deafness ailment just seemed to affect the Liberals, and not the Conservatives.  He replied that he did not know what exactly they did in their caucuses, did not want to know, and was uncertain what nasty little bug was gnawing inside their auditory canals…or, for that matter, how the bugs got there in the first place.  He also expressed relief that he was not one of those ENT doctors who would have to mine through the earwax of those senators, nor peer into their heads full of jell-o.

Health officials noted that this ailment has happened before.  “Affected legislators normally do not have any long-term ill effects,” one official commented, “and seem to gain full recovery once they are swiftly booted out of office and go home.  Bed rest is really what they need, months of bed rest.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Management regrets to inform you that the Federal spending binge is now over.  Kapoot.  The 2-year window of opportunity for reckless spending out the veritable ying-yang has closed…closed down on the poor fingers of many unsuspecting lawmakers.  On behalf of the kazillions of government employees and lame duck government officials, we just must say we are sorry the party could not have lasted longer.

But my…wasn’t if fun while it lasted!  All involved had such a joyous time on this wide-open throttle wild ride down Finance Abuse Highway 101.  The death-defying, high speed spins down Obamacare Curve, Bail Out Bend, and Harry Spender Hill gave tingles down our legs.  Sure, we may have jeopardized the futures of our kids and grandkids, but so what?  They’re probably going to be spoiled brats anyway.  They need to feels some hardship in their catered lives, taste a little bitter pill of struggle and difficulty, see what it’s like to beg for a lousy cup of coffee.  Be good for them.

There will be further announcements of belt tightening, program cancellations, thinning down bloated bureaucracy…so stay tuned to your local media network for whining updates.

In the meantime, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, please go ahead and send in your taxes early this year.  Don’t wait until April 15th.  We’re in a bit of a pinch, since some of our big time lenders have told us to kiss-off.  We may have to delay bonuses to top government officials, cut back on frivolous office supplies, and/or start buying our own doughnuts and coffee.  If you throw in a little more than you owe, we’ll send you a set of bubble gum trading cards with the recent ex-lawmakers’ pictures on them.  These will undoubtedly become cherished collector items, sure to skyrocket in value.

A newly released survey conducted by the prestigious Flemm organization concluded that new laws requiring fat food restaurants to post calorie content of meal offerings may be missing their intended targets.  The survey found that 93% of all excessively fat and obnoxiously obese people don’t give a crap about the postings and certainly do not read them.

Even the moderately obese porkers overwhelmingly refuse to pay any attention to the calorie numbers.  “Hey, we know these freaking cheeseburgers and XL fries are loaded with fat, lard, and calories out the ying yang,” said one of the chubby overeaters, while munching a double bacon cheese chunkburger deluxe with extra mayo.  “If we wanted a friggin’ salad, we’d go to Salad King.  Durrrrr.”

The calorie postings remain popular with the green, organic eco-nerds, who remain committed to their continuation.  Unfortunately, this group is primarily comprised of skinny anorexic types, who truly need to burger-up a bit.  Nevertheless, lawmakers seem to listen to these stringbean weenies for some unexplained reason.  “We’re hopeful that, in time, the overweightoids will come to their senses,” one congressperson said.  “At some point, they must stop the packing and jamming, and learn some self-control.  If these postings won’t help….well, we’ll just have to move into some more drastic measures of unbridled freedom restriction.  We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Pssst…make a note to check the foundation structure of that bridge.”

Some fast food outlets have allowed gangs to go ahead and deface the calorie counter signs with graffiti and gang artwork, making them somewhat unreadable.  “It still technically complies with the law,” said one franchisee.  “Our lawyers have given us the thumbs up.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you may think are real.

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”.  Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent.  He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques.  He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way.  I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally.  But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir.  You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar.  He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.”  When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth.  But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter.  Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football.  “My money is on UNLV,” he replied.  When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too.  Next question?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.