bizarreville

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

A large blast was felt by the citizens in Bizarreville’s capital yesterday, measuring over 150 decibels.  Initially, authorities thought it was a whacko terrorist bomb, but the secret service could see no tell-tale smoke or fire, nor any shifty Islamo-terrorist groups gleefully taking credit.   Scientists quickly concluded it must be a volcanic eruption, and frantically started looking for lava flow, before someone told them that there were no volcanos withing 1000 miles of here.  Numerous other theories came forth, including the possible release of a huge vein of impacted gas, or possible capitol building implosion from too much vacuum….but all were dismissed.

Finally, the investigation determined that the sound came from a resounding thump as the 2000 page Health Care bill fell off the table and hit the floor.  The boom, which quickly obtained the moniker The Nancy Ex-Pelosion, startled thousands and caused severe hearing damage to over 30 legislators.  The damage, in point of fact, could have been even more severe, except for the fact that, fortunately, over 100 legislators who were nearby indicated that they were already deaf. 

Police authorities want answers.  They want assurances that this Nancy Ex-Pelosion will not happen again, and expect sufficient counter-measures to be put in place.  They ordered that cranes and special rigging be utilized to be able to move this edifice of a bill, without risking another Nancy bomb drop, causing more injury and collateral floor damage. “High capacity fork trucks will not cut it.  We need the big cranes….the ones they use to put derailed locomotives back on the track…if that thing needs to be moved, and that’s a big ‘if’.  Frankly, it would be best for everyone if these big-shots just let it set right where it’s at.” 

When asked what if someone wants to be able to read the bill, police responded,  “Are you really willing to take that risk?”

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs.  It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.

Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax.  If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements.  If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons.  It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.

Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out.  Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options:  the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.

Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month.  Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In.  But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.

There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points.  But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.

Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday.  This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed.  Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway?  What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something?  We need to expunge that day for sure.”  Others chimed in,  “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest?  Who harvests anymore?  We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket.  I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves.  Yeah, that’s been good.”  Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.

If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants.  Stay tuned.

A consortium of Bizarreville Business owners and Corporate chieftains are lobbying hard for quick passage of the Health Care bill Public Option (PO).  They are encouraging Legislators to ignore all the confusing/inconsistent polling numbers that bumble their way to gauge public opinion of the PO.  “Don’t believe the goofy numbers…trust us.  The PO will be a good thing.  It’s something we need, and need now,” cried the business people.

Pundits were quite surprised that these pillars of industry were so vocally in favor of the PO.  The talking heads asked them if they understood that they would still have the option to keep their current plans.

“Pffffft…yeah, right…you think we’re gonna hold onto our lousy high-cost cruddy program, when we have this other option?  You think we’re gonna go to our Boards and tell them we’ve got two options:  one, continue to pay out the ying-yang for this headache-inducing health plan we’ve got now, or two, punt, get out of the freaking health care business, dump the costs, and let the feds do it?  Hmmmm…let me see, tough choice, let’s study it.

“We compete globally with Yoks whose employees are already covered by government programs, Mr. Homebones.  We have had a major competitive disadvantage versus these subsidized twerps.  Guess they’re a lot smarter than us numbskulls, cuz they figured this out decades ago.

“Seriously, if we could take Health care off our Balance Sheet, how many New York minutes do you think it would take for any of us to pull the lever on our programs?  One?  Two?  Na na na na hey hey, kiss it good-bye.  Take a photo of it quick and hang it on the wall for nostalgia.”

The Legislators were asked to respond to the Business’ strong support for the PO.  But they said, “They just don’t understand.  They can keep their current Health plans.  The Public Option is just an option, one option, not the only option.  From our standpoint, we would love to see them all keep their current plans intact.”

The Consortium responded, “Yeah, okay, ha-ha…okay it’s an Option.  We will most certainly consider that, and do a proper/thorough evaluation…sure will…just before flushing our programs down the Corporate toilet….ha ha ha ha…you guys really crack me up!”

Recruiting efforts are now in high-gear to staff up the newly commissioned Death Panels in Bizarreville.  As you know, these are the panels that will ultimately decide if grammaw gets that 3rd hip replacement in lieu of a nicely rehabbed wheelchair…or if grampaw should get that appendix removed today, or just wait in line and hope for the best.  The Death Panel program has been a popular concept, particularly among the younger people, as a means of reducing spiralling health care costs and frankly helping solve the impending Social Security ballooning problem.  Critics have called it harsh, but became less vocal when it became apparent that Leaders were taking names.

Interviewers say that they’re looking for a strong set of Defiant Uber-ssertive skills in candidates for the job.  “You cannot be a bleeding heart, bed-wetting baby who wants his pacifier.  We will be looking for people with proven track records of starting fights in bars, climbing over weak people for promotions, telling the boss to Shove It, frantically yelling at Town Hall meetings, telling panhandlers to Get a Job, honking at bike riders…you get the idea.  If it happens they’ve pulled the plug on a close relative in the past…well, that would certainly earn bonus points.  Candidates with previous Boy Scout or Girl Scout experience probably should not apply.  People who have formerly coached Little League or any other kids sport should only apply if they can show that they yelled at the kids and quit at mid-season out of sheer frustration.”

Interviews will begin today at 2pm at the Hospital Emergency room.  Warning to all would-be candidates…interviewers will be closely watching you as you enter the ER.  Don’t fall into the trap by having a sympathetic look on your face as you walk by the pathetic moaner doubled-up in pain, or the young child bleeding out his ears.  It’s a test.  Keep that “Whatever…” look, and you’ll be good to go.  Good luck to all.

The word is getting out that Taxes will go up if the new Bizarreville Health Care plan goes into effect.  Leaders previously promised no new taxes to fund Health Care, but then a local 5th grader found a mistake that the Budget Office made in their arithmetic.  The staff of PhD’s on the Bizarreville Economic Council were embarrassed, but said that the flaw was in their solar calculators due to all the overcast skies in the past couple weeks.

So now the Leaders are trying to figure who will foot the bill for the new funding needs.  They took a poll of the Citizens, who overwhelmingly voted to tax the Rich guys…percentage-wise, the vote was about 90 to 10.  Some pundits were concerned that this was the sixth time recently that taxes would go up on the Rich, and at some point that gravy train would need to end.  They said that the new tax would reduce jobs, as more and more companies would move investment outside of Bizarreville to more tax-friendly places.  They whined that you can’t keep giving all these other people free rides.

The Other side responded:  “Waaah, waaah, waaah…let’s all shed tears for the multi-millionaires.  Boo-hoo.  May have to get by with 4 butlers instead of the conventional 5.  May have to sell off one of the 8 Jags parked in the garage, the one that hasn’t been properly dusted in over a week (how gross).”  They responded that the Boards will just jack up their salaries higher to compensate for the higher tax anyway…the rich dudes may end up net ahead when all is said and done.  When asked about the impact on small business, they responded that the small guys are all getting Walmartized anyway…wake up, smell the decaf latte.

The Tax Fairness Congregate (TFC) said that Bizarreville is moving toward a culture of Tax Payers and Tax Consumers, a very dangerous trend, long term.  “More and more people are getting removed from the tax rolls via reduced rates, tax rebates for the untaxed, and a plethora of freebies, handouts, and bogus breaks.  It’s moving us rapidly toward socialism/marxism.”

TFC opponents, when asked about how they feel about Karl Marx, responded: “Was he the Italian guy with the funny hat, or the mute guy with the little honking horn?  No matter…Bizarreville could definitely benefit from a little more comedyism and humorism.”

As the health care debate continued in Bizarreville, the discussion eventually turned to Tort Reform.  Truth is, the people of Bizarreville were definitely sue-happy…it was almost an official pastime where the mayor would throw out the first whiffle ball at the opening of sue season.  Seems everybody would look for any excuse to sue their friend, neighbor, or (especially) doctor in order to get something for nothing:  “Why work and slave when you can just sue your buddy, get a rich out-of-court settlement, and kick back on the back porch with with a pitcher of margaritas?”  Made sense.

But, in spite of this seemingly ideal state of things, there was a semi-lunatic fringe element bellowing about how all this was causing Health Care costs to skyrocket.  Malpractice insurance was getting so high that many doctors just said Screw It, and bailed.  One doctor got sued for $1 million because some lady’s hang nail got infected, causing her months and months of mental anguish.  The doctor replied, “I was treating you for a swollen ankle!”  But the lady said, “You should have noticed the hang nail.  That’s the trouble with you so-called ‘specialists’.”

The Legislators tried to put an Amendment on the Health Care bill to place limits on malpractice claims, which also included strict guidelines on what was/wasn’t covered.  It would no longer recognize pain/suffering claims, would limit coverage to out-of-pocket expenses, and put strong burden of proof on the claimant to show cause that a case was truly malpractice.  It would save hundreds of gazillions of dollars in phony baloney claims and bogus legal proceedings.

The legal lobby strongly objected.  The powerful Ambulance Chasers International (ACI) decried that this would give doctors free-rein to run rough-shod over our poor patients, do slip-shod meatball surgery at will, forget to take the forceps out of grammaw’s tummy after her gall bladder-ectomy.  They rolled-in poor Mr. Shlumbunk to the hearing who had gone to the hospital for a skin irritation, and ended up mistakenly getting his full package cut off by some renegade doctor, whose only comment was: “Ooops”. 

“Patients need to have recourse on these mavericks.”  And there were boatloads of hound dog lawyers ready to sniff out any crevice to make a case.  And sniff they did.  Sniff, sniff, sniff…

Meanwhile, the Doctors were appalled by these ACI loudmouth charges, and sued the lawyers over defamation of character.  But they couldn’t get any lawyers to try their case, so they filed another suit about restraint of trade/monopolistic practices.  The lawyers counter-sued when the doctors threatened: “Yeah, well, in the unlikely event that you can find an MD who will treat you, better be prepared for a full body cavity examination.”  Ouch.

The Legislators dropped Tort Reform amendments.  They realized that suing each other was just too central to the Bizarreville culture.  Plus, the lawyers were such great contributors to their political campaigns…much better than those stingy old penny-pinching doctors who threw quarters around like they were manhole covers.

Yesterday, during the mayor’s speech on the new Health Care program, there was wild cheering and booing in the crowd.  The mayor would talk about so-called Death panels for old codgers, and the young people would cheer.  He would mention free, assembly-line vasectomies, and the ladies would cheer.  He’d mention that there would be a public option, that it would only be an “option” so you could keep your current health plan, and there would be much booing among those with at least 2 licks of common sense.

But the mayor knew there was much concern about the cost of the program among the non-lobotomized fringe.  This fringe element worried that a major expansion of who gets covered and associated bureaucracy would bust the budget big time.

The mayor wanted to hit this issue head-on.  So, he stated unequivocally that, despite rumors to the contrary, there is no truth to the rumor that the program will include coverage for your pets…no cats, no dogs, certainly no hampsters or cockatoos.  No colonoscopies for your shitzus, no liver transplants for your schnauzers, no waiting in line in the ER behind a cat having a hairball incident.

But Joe Average, fuming in frustration from the mayor’s blathering, finally blurted out:  “You’re Lying!  The bill does offer coverage for pets.  I’ve read the darn thing.  There’s even funding for little bitty CAT-scan machines, new miniature gurneys, and scooper sterilization equipment.”

The mayor was a bit flummoxed, and looked puzzlingly at his aides with that “What the F@!*!” look.  Aides shrugged their shoulders, but deep inside, knew they had been caught trying to sneak one in.

Joe later apologized to the mayor for calling him a dirty rotten unscrupulous liar.  The mayor said:  “That’s all right.  Don’t worry, son, I’ve been called a liar by far better people than you.  Besides…how long have you been around involved in the political world?  You certainly must know that it is a defacto part of my job description to lie about stuff.  C’mon, don’t be so naive.  People are gonna start laughing at you behind your back if you keep showing off your greenness.  Brown-up, man.”

Joe was hounded by news reporters asking what made him decided to de-pants the mayor in public.  He thought about relaying the mayor’s job description comment, but decided to stick with the issue of how we can’t afford pet health care:  “I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to subsidize old Rover’s erectile dysfunction meds with my hard-earned tax dollars.”

Bizarreville is about ready to offer a Public Option (PO) to its citizens so that everyone has some level of health insurance.  Leaders would really like just a single payer government-run system, but since that is not palatable with 93% of the people who are already happy with their health care, they decided to call it an “option”.  That way, you have a  choice of keeping your beloved plan, or going with the PO…or so goes the theory.

The Bizarreville leaders would normally listen to their citizens.  But in this case, the Leaders clearly know best, so they have invoked issuing the dreaded Official Bizarreville Brush-Off Proclamation, which reads:

The major businesses in Bizarreville love the PO concept.  In public, they say they love Choice, because choice/options/freedom is what has made Bizarreville great.  But in private, they laugh and laugh.  They laugh as they plot-out quickly dumping their Health Care plan, and telling their people they must go with the PO.  The cost savings are so huge that the execs are hiring new janitors just to swab-up their puddles of drooling-at-the-mouth.  One exec was quoted saying: “Yeee hawwww.  Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop…uh huh, uh huh, uh, huh,”  before he collapsed in shear excitement.  An unnamed manager from one of Bizarreville’s largest companies, The General Deflabenator Company, said that the firm has already started processing cancellation notices with its Health provider, in anticipation of quick passage of the new bill.  “We were wondering how to get out from under these spiralling health care costs, and now the Leaders have handed us the solution on a silver platter.  Yeah, baby.”

When asked about the fact that their employees might not get as good health service, have to wait in lines, be denied certain medical treatments, etc., he responded:  “Pffft…hey man, ain’t my problem no more.  Here’s a quarter.  Go call your caring Leader.”

There have been a few protest gatherings, but they have fizzled out after Leaders started calling them Commies, Anti-Bizarros, and Kids who just need their diapers changed.  The Leaders also started taking down names, and that pretty much freaked-out the rest of the protesters.  “Guess we’ll just have to be sure and stay healthy,” said one of the citizens as she headed home.

The good citizens of Bizarreville dragged their weary cans into the much anticipated Town Hall meeting to discuss Odrama-care last night.  Congressman Rankeester adroitly fielded questions like an old putz juggling medicine balls with one hand tied behind his back.

Elmer Scroof asked:  “What about them so-called Death panels?” 

Rankeester replied: “I’m for them.  Let’s face it, when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.”

Scroof said: “What about you?  You had a freakin’ quad-bypass a year ago.  What if some glorified restroom attendent decided you weren’t worth 2 squirts of dog pee, and let you just have a thumper-clutcher, and pfffft….gone.  What about that, Jack?”

Rankeester replied:  “You obviously have not taken the time to be thorough before making such an uninformed comment as this.  Admit it…you farted-off reading the bill, didn’t you?  You and all your crazy nutbag lunatic friends are here just to create ficticious perversions of this fine bill, this crafted work of art.  If you had taken one lousy weekend to read the bill, you surely would have known that it does not apply to congresspeople.  Tsk, tsk.”

Then old Mrs. Shmelker blurted out: “You people are trying to ruin the health of all our grandchildren with this new program…what do you call it…McPathetic Care, of one-size fits all?  They won’t ever get any real care cuz of the long waiting lines.”

But Rankeester just laughed and snorted back: “These kids are already hard-wired to stand in endless long lines.  Just look at the lines at the Bizarro-Land theme park.  They’ll stand in line for hours just for 1 ride on the Skrote Floater roller coaster, or the Desnotter Simulator.  C’mon now.  We’ll just give old Doc Quackenheimer’s office a cool, thrill name like the Navel Jerker, and line ’em up in the cattle gates…Mooo…Mooo.   Next?

The Town Hall meeting seemed to run out of steam at that point, and all went home for their evening soaks.