bizarreville

The Bizarreville Bankers Association issued a statement yesterday that has a segment of citizens very upset.  The Bankers announced that there will no longer be a classification of mortgage loans titled “Sub-prime” mortgages.  As most know, sub-prime mortgages were widely viewed as a key contributing factor to the recent financial crisis and economic recession.  And so to distance themselves from this confusing and very ambiguous term, the Bankers have decided to drop it altogether.

In its place will be 3 new classifications of mortgage loans, and all loans for that matter:  (1) Prime credit loans, (2) Loans to people whose credit sucks, and (3) Loans to numbskulls who will most assuredly never pay them back, so say goodbye to that dough.  The Banks will also adopt a new logo system that will appear on all loan applications and other paperwork…a vacuum cleaner icon on the ‘Credit Sucks’ designees, and a stack of cash with wings icon for the ‘Kiss that dough goodbye’ designees.  Logo tee-shirts will also be available at any participating bank.

Much of the outcry has been related to the #2 classification, Loans to people whose credit sucks.  Gripers argue that this places a stigma on a lot of good people who, through no fault of their own, just ended up getting a dozen or so credit cards with maxxed-out balances, and/or a car loan whose monthly payments were set unreasonably high by greedy bankers.  They claim that it will now be difficult for them to get any financing for a new Lexus or Beamer, let alone a mortgage on that new lakefront cottage.  They will be embarrassed to ever file for bankruptcy for fear of being ridiculed and stigmatized by friends and neighbors.

Several banks have recognized the insensitivity of the ‘Credit Sucks’ designation, and have offered to give any lousy credit customer who opens a new account a free low-power vacuum cleaner as a promotional enticement.  Another bank is giving away free brooms with a label “Don’t suck, sweep”.  The Bankers Association said they are certain that these low-end customers will see the humor in these items…although privately one bank exec said he hopes they do their business at the credit union from here on out.

Surprisingly, there has been little pushback on the ‘Never Pay Back’ designation.  Most feel this segment of the market will return to their roots of borrowing money from Title Pawn companies, loan sharks, and the mob…where contract terms are simpler and payback terms are easy for them to understand.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

The President, during his “Suck up to America” national tour was given a surprise pop mid-term exam by an Econ 101 instructor.  It was a simple 1-question exam.  She asked:  With the incredibly horrible economic conditions and so many people out of work, do you think now would be a wise time to roll-out your proposed tax increases?  Most onlookers thought this was an easy “A” for the President.

Of course, the correct response was a simple “No”.  Just for good measure, 100 onlookers were given the chance to also answer the question, and 93% got it correct…even 5 pre-teens who did not even know how to spell Economics, and one well-trained poodle.

Unfortunately, however, the President did not provide the correct answer…he did not provide the simple “No” response.  Normally, this would have earned him a flat “F”.  But the President went on blabbering for a full 17 minutes in response to this simple yes/no question, rambling into off-tangent subjects such as How to keep jamming Health Care down throats, nationalizing the Porta-john businesses, and improving foreign relations with Mozambique.  When he completed his ramble-thon, he asked the puzzled instructor whether he had answered her question. 

The Test Board had no choice but to issue him an F-minus on this mid-term for “incoherency beyond obnoxion, and a profound lack of basic economic knowledge.”   Sad.

But the Test Board reminded him that it is not too late.  He still has an outside chance to Ace the final, and still get a passing grade.  Clearly he will have to buckle down, stop eating CheetO’s, read his assigned Econ 101 material…not just look at the pictures or grab the Cliff Notes version of Basic Economics…and study a little harder.  He must also avoid the temptation to read the “alternate” revisionist version of Economics authored by such crackerjacks as Homer Simpson, Keith Ubernerd, Michael Moore, or Pee Wee Herman…unless, of course, he wants to become the Millard Fillmore of the 21st Century.  He will have to demonstrate that he has a grasp on what it takes to create real jobs, as opposed to the hypothetical virtual job creating stats that his flunkies keep feeding him. 

He may be forced to dust off a Milton Friedman text or even listen to Bill O’Reilly bloviations to rinse out whatever Obamonomic toxins are clouding his thought process in order to get that passing grade.  Fans are pulling for him. 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

The ghost of Joe McCarthy came down (or up…he wouldn’t say) to assess the current situation on communist infiltration into our society.  He was then instructed to compile a full report for the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.  Tom had heard disturbing news coming from some of the recent liberal dead guys who seemed overly exuberent… even in the afterlife.  Seems they were feeling some sort of redemption from a lifelong struggle to bring the share-the-wealth, handouts for everyone, no-deadbeat-left-behind mantra into being.  They were thinking they found the path to eternal righteousness.  Unfortunately for them, Tom had to tell them they were dead wrong.  He then commissioned McCarthy to check things out.

McCarthy was able to sneak into the secret Democratic Obamacare meetings where they were busy carving out special deals to buy votes.  He reminisced that these were so much like the heady old days in 1940’s and 50’s Chicago where modern sleazy dealmaking was invented.  But he was flabbergasted that the Cornhusker Kickback was such an unabashed public pants-dropping.  “In the old days, we had to keep our skanky deals under the covers in the red light district, politically speaking, of course.  These guys don’t care who sees their soiled shorts.”

Joe started taking note of names who appeared certain to be communists at high levels in the country.  Interviewing one uber-liberal congressman, he was amazed to hear him assertively say, “No way am I a communist!!  No way.  That’s a mean-spirited ploy by the giant right wing conspiracy to mischaracterize me, my family, and my constituents.  It’s just not right.”  When McCarthy asked whether he believed in government health care, government control of oil companies and banks, restrictions on conservative talk radio, and sharing wealth by taxing the hell out of anyone earning a salary, his answer was, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to all of the above.”  When McCarthy suggested his political philosophies seem to line up more with Marx, Putin, or Mao, the congressman said, “You’re a communist.  You are.”

Joe chatted with 50 people on New York city steets, and 49 seemed to basically agree with the congressman.  The 50th guy was a wino who agreed with everything he said, then asked for a buck so he could wet his whistle before answering any more questions.

McCarthy had to report back to Tom that things have headed south since Reagan left office.  He asked Tom if he could come back down in life-form, recommission the House Un-American Activities committee, and bust a few chops of these softies.  But Tom said not right now.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Last Wednesday, a decrepid old codger- coughing, wheezing, and walking with a cane – showed up at the Capitol flailing his arms and warning of impending disaster.  He claimed that he was Thomas F. Wilson, the actor who played Biff in the Back to the Future movies, but clearly he appeared to be a much older fart than Wilson.  He demanded an audience with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid, or at least a 15 minute spot on Hard Ball.  All requests were denied.

Wilson said that, unbelievable as it may seem, he just arrived here, having travelled back from the future in a converted Toyota Prius.  “They couldn’t find a DeLorean when the scientists finally invented the flux capacitor, and there were a lot of unsold Prius’ in dealer lots gathering dust,” Wilson quipped.

But Wilson quickly changed to the subject at hand.  He said that some punk kid named Karl Pelosi had stolen the Prius in 2025, went back from the future to 2008, maybe even earlier, to engineer the fake bank crisis that led to the 2008/2009 recession.  “By doing that, he created an alternate space-time continuum that you are living today.  It allowed the ascendancy of Pelosi and Reid, and the election of Obama that has put the country on a path toward the destruction of capitalism and loss of economic freedom, which will happen gradually in the next 7 years.

Wilson said he tried to program the Prius to take him back prior to the Senate Health Care vote in late 2009 in order to try and change the vote of Ben Nelson, infamous turncoat senator from Nebraska.  “But the darn accelerator pedal stuck and it dropped me here.  Really need to fix that stupid thing before I end up in the friggin’ Middle Ages.”

He then rolled out the upcoming series of events in the current reality:  the Obamacare program could never be overturned, despite many attempts.  The Public Option was rammed through in 2011 on a “Reconciliation vote”, ultimately causing the end of private insurance plans.  “I had to wait 6 months to get a prescription for my hemmoroids, for crying out loud.”

Wilson recounted that the momentum Liberals get from Obamacare passage then help them nationalize the rest of the auto industry, the oil industry, the basic materials industries, and the media networks.  In 2015, they rename the Jefferson Memorial the “People’s Memorial” and allow graffiti artists to display their creative expression on the walls.  “They put a free condom dispenser where the old statue was standing,” Wilson lamented.

He said the November 2010 elections are a key turning point along this continuum.  In the current reality, Liberals hold onto both houses barely, but just enough to keep jamming through their socialist agenda at this critical time.  By 2012, there are so many people on the government dole, on “Expanded Welfare” that covers half the middle class, on the “Food Stamps Plus Beer Stamps” program, on the “Grown Up Kids without Jobs” program, on the “Call In Sick from Work and Still Get Paid” program, and/or on the “Totally Open Immigration” program that they end up with a quasi-permanent majority of voters who are indebted to them.  Conservatives lose their voice when talk radio is forced to adopt the ‘equal time’ provision in early 2012 and becomes so boring that people return to listening to classic rock.

While Wilson was railing about making a difference in the upcoming November elections, he started fading away.  “I think that idiot Karl Pelosi stole another Prius, went back, and started dating my mom.  I gotta go.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the time travel stuff.

The cracker jack Bizarreville Postal Service announced sweeping cost cutting moves in response to their $238 billion projected debt over the next decade.  The strategy will be rolled out in phases over the next 4-5 years to get them from 12-digit deficits down to a manageable 10-digit deficit.  The Postmaster General commented that he has not figured out a way to make money handling/delivering mail, and has suggested they may start delivering pizza if things don’t get better.  Pizza owners quip that a delivered pizza would cost about 38 bucks if the Post Office took charge.

The Post Office will initially start by cutting out Saturday deliveries and Saturday mail pickups to trim $5 billion/year in expenses, and put 49 thousand postal workers on the street.  But within a year or two, they plan to  eliminate Monday and Friday service, then in another two years take it down to just Thursday mail, and to hell with it.  They are considering a new Self-Service concept, whereby customers could just go to the post office and plow through a big pile of mail on the floor to find their stuff…but it’s only at the conceptual stage at this point.

The Office was expecting there to be an outcry about this service cutback, but surveys have shown that citizens could not care less.  Some people surveyed did not even know who the Postal Service was, until it was explained they were the ones who deliver Snail Mail that’s stuffed in that box at the end of their driveway.  “You mean the box that has all the worthless crap mail in it?” asked one surveyed customer, who later remembered getting a birthday card in the box about a year ago.

Supporters point out that the Postal Service is reasonably efficient, given the fact that they are still using a business model honed in the 18th century, and run by a government model honed in the 11th century.  They emphasize that most mail actually makes it to the destination desired, and challenge naysayers to find any other governmental bureaucracy that can get it right over half of the time.

Progressives have proposed bolstering the office with more federal funding, higher stamp prices, and maintaining bloated headcounts with generous wage hikes each year.  “Cuz if they fail, who will deliver our junk mail?” asked a progressive pundit.  “Who?  Fed Ex?  I doubt it.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Several states in the Midwest and South hurriedly passed new laws prohibiting citizens from using the new “N” word in public.  It is hoped that tougher enforcement will control the outbreaks in violence that have occurred since the Obamacare bill was passed, and the emergence of this new derogatory term.

The first reported incident happened in a cozy little bar in a small Indiana town, when one slightly inebriated tea partier called a middle-of-the-road independent “Nancy” in front of all the bar patrons.  Before you knew it, there were “Nancy” calls being shouted throughout the bar, leading to fistfights, broken bar stools, and many pints of spilled beer.  No apologies were given.

The story made national news, as an example of the pent-up frustration and anger stemming from the hyper-partisanship over the Health Care debate, and the raging disappointment over the performance of the nincompoops in Washington.  But others around the country soon jumped on the bandwagon, and Nancy cat-call incidents started popping up here, there, and everywhere.

Most leaders seemed to understand that there was frustration.  But using the Nancy-word took it to a new level…using a term that has come to mean an unscrupulous lying incompetent commie bozo…ouch.  Chiefs of police around the country have said that there is no way that they will allow this kind of pinko epithet to go unchallenged in today’s politically correct world….and will be invoking a no-tolerance policy on the name callers with harsh consequences.

Curiously, liberals have recently called other liberals “Nancy” supposedly as a term of endearment.  However, when overheard by anyone right of Mao, snickers and chuckles have ensued…as they made fun of the naive guy who just got slammed by his buddy.

Police say that the crackdown on Nancy-catcallers has begun, and is being applied whether used as endearment or used as a mega-insult.  “We can’t take chances,” said one chief.  “We will assume anyone using the term is being derogatory with it.”

Girls named Nancy have complained that no one will be able to call them now, without fear of punishment and possible jail time.  Officials say that they understand the predicament, but have advised them to change their names to Mona.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but most of you figured that out already.

Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”.  It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970’s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land.  Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation.  And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other.  Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.

Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines.  They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you.  And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!”  Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story:  good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.

The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook.  He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public.  But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost.  He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims.  “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”

Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable.  The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Complaints have been registered across the country pertaining to that sharp increase in the bothersome whooshing noise that cropped up on Sunday.  Ear Nose & Throat doctor offices have seen their waiting lines grow to a staggering half-block long.  But, unfortunately, the docs have been unable to offer their flustered patients any immediate remedy.

The Sucking Sound had been first warned by Ross Perot back in the Summer of 1992.  But his crackpot style made people refuse to take him seriously.  Nevertheless, he had forewarned of the Suckphonic Disturbance during campaigning, cautioning citizens to take action to prevent the calamity.  And for many years, although the suck became somewhat louder and louder, it had never quite reached the eardrum implosion level, until Sunday.

Several citizens complained that their wallets had literally gotten sucked out of their pants pockets as they walked along the sidewalk.  They would chase after the illusive sucked-away billfold, but when they caught up to it, all the bills had been sucked out, along with credit cards, medical insurance cards, and Lotto tickets.  Only photos of mama and condoms were left in the battered wallets.

Other citizens claimed that the giant suck pulled zeroes right out of their IRA’s, instantly turning $200 thousand balances into 20 bucks.  One guy claimed it sucked so hard on his 401-K that it took a positive $90 thousand balance and turned it into a negative 90K. 

“How can that happen?!?” screamed the outraged middle-aged investor.  “Easy,” his liberal/progressive congressman said.  “It’s called sharing the wealth, sharing the dream, giving the less-fortunate a leg up…and teaching you greedy bastards a lesson.  Complain a little louder, punk, and we’ll crank it up to Mega-Suck, and get your deficit into 6 digits. ”

Meanwhile, however, the loud sucking sound is getting irritating, even to the sponge crowd.  They would like the same suck, but just less noise.  Since no one knows how to do that, lawmakers are expected to approve a multi-billion dollar grant for a high-level research project to study Quiet Suck technology at a designated left-leaning elitist college.  The money will come out of the new Health care slush fund.

Investigative reporters have uncovered secret papers showing conclusively the Administration’s strategy to begin the process of nationalizing the dog food industry before summer.  Dog food industry analysts were surprised and perplexed by this development, and initially failed to see how their business could be likened to autos or banks in terms of attractiveness for 100% government control….why not pick on film-making, beer production, or roto-rooting?

Larry Milfner, long time dog food industry analyst and inventor of the electronic pooper scooper, was not particularly surprised.  “Dog food is a highly strategic business for the country.  If some crazy terrorist group were to infiltrate dog food manufacturing and compromise their quality systems in a major way, the nation would have to start feeding its dogs cat food.

“This would create 2 problems:  First, the cat food would totally screw up the dogs’ digestive systems, causing doggie diarrhea on a monumental scale.  Second, the cat owners would become outraged by the almost immediate dwindling of cat food availability, and the ensuing breakout of cat malnutrition.  There would be fist fights in the WalMart parking lot between dog owners and cat owners over precious cans of Fancy Feast.

“I could see a civil war developing in the country between the masses of dog lovers versus cat lovers.  There is already so much tension between these 2 sects, and this kind of incident would take it over the tipping point.  There would be brother against brother feuds, sister against sister ‘cat fights’.  It would be bloody, and would require a leader with the charisma of Abe Lincoln to bring the sides together again.  And we’ve got no Abe Lincoln in the queue, believe me.

“Nationalizing the dog food industry, and for that matter the cat food industry too, is a logical step.  The government could bring in the whole Homeland Security force to provide the added protections that would preclude this catastrophic outcome to our nation.  I applaud the Administration for having this kind of foresight to protect our society.”

Another dog food industry expert was interviewed and asked to comment on Milfner’s analysis.  He said that it was high time that everyone realized the importance of dog food in our world.

Luis Gutierrez, representative from Illinois, was the latest in the series of Dems who have indicated plans to switch from No to Yes on the upcoming Obamacare vote.  Mr. Gutierrez was asked why he switched.

“Originally, I thought the Obamacare program sucked, sucked bad.  I was concerned, along with my constituents, that the government takeover of one-sixth the economy was not what we wanted, the death panels were a bad idea, and the trillion dollar cost tab was obnoxious.  Furthermore, I felt that we shouldn’t make the taxpayer pay for sex change operations or male enhancement hormone therapy.  But what really irked me was when I heard that the new bill would not allow illegal immigrants to participate.  I was flabbergasted at this unfair act of blatant discrimination.

“But I met with the President, and he helped put it all in a better perspective.  He told me that the evil Health Insurance companies were busy building a Death Star to blow up the planet, similar to the one that destroyed Alderaan.  Those insurance creeps have been using the enormous profits raked from our poor citizens to finance the construction work, and it was slated for completion within 4 years.  He said if we don’t stop them, crush them, they will complete the Death Star, relocate all their favored people onto it, and super-laser beam the earth.  The President also mentioned that he had inside information that there would be zero illegal aliens invited to board the Death Star…zip, nada.

“I knew that the Insurance companies were bad guys, but I never knew they were this nasty.  I knew they were indiscriminately jacking our rates up, but I never knew where all the money was going.  I thought that the rates were going up to pay for more technologically-advanced diagnostic equipment and extensive medical treatment facilities to prolong life.  Now I find out it has been used for technologically-advanced evil spacecraft to extend life for these extra-terrestial wannabes.  Man, was I wrong on that one!  No clue.”

Obamacare bill opponents told Gutierrez that the Death Star garbage was pure crap.  They laughed and said there is no such thing as a Death Star, and even if there was, they certainly wouldn’t blast Earth.  But Gutierrez responded that this was the honest-to-goodness President telling him this information, and there is no way he would ever make up that kind of stuff.  Luis said we need to support Obamacare immediately and snuff out these Insurance freaks and all their illicit buddies before we all end up vaporized.

Gutierrez looks at it from a practical standpoint now:  a trillion dollars to save the entire planet?  Easy choice.  “I’m on board with the President on this one.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

BB:  Looks like the House is going to try to pass the Senate bill by some flakey “deem and pass” rule so they don’t have to actually vote on this package of sheer stupidity.  Is that okay with you?

BO:  I don’t give a  s#!%  what procedural tom foolery they use to jam it through…just so long as the pass the friggin thing and I sign it.

BB:  We asked our viewers to email suggested questions.  More than 18 thousand took time to email them in.  Here’s one from California asking why all the intimidation, arm twisting, seedy deals…

BO:  Pfffft….18 thousand?  That’s nothing.  I could line up 40 thousand left wing kooks in less than 15 seconds who want more arm twisting, more seediness, and a hell of a lot more intimidation.  That’s why I’ve been stumping to intimidate these fence sitters.

BB:  But these are real people…

BO:  People, shmeeple.  Most of them don’t know what’s good for them.  It’s like when our moms forced castor oil down our throats when we were sick kids.  We just held our nose and gulped it down.  If we had a vote in those days, the castor oil company would be out of business.

BB:  But what about all these skanky deals, like the Connecticut deal…

BO:  The who….what???

BB:  The Connecticut 100 million bucks for the hospital deal, or Montana special asbestos program, or Florida’s special deal on Medicare.  The people in  Bumf%*k , New Jersey are wondering when their sweetheart package is coming down the pike?  People are saying this whole process is butt-ugly.

BO:  Okay, sure.  I, too, called this whole dealmaking process an “ugly” process at the Summit last month.  But the fact is, you have to do a certain amount of ugly stuff to get the votes.  I don’t like it, Harry Reid doesn’t like it, Nancy doesn’t like it…but it’s just something we have to do to get stuff passed.  The Republicans did the same thing when they were in charge.

BB:  But, sir, they did it on chicken sh!#  bills.  You are doing it on a bill that will impact one-sixth of the US economy.  One sixth, dude…

BO:  Yes, but we’re not transforming one-sixth of the economy all in one fell swoop.  It’s going to take a dozen swoops, maybe two dozen swoops before we get this health care program completely controlled by government.  I rejected a lot of strong demands from the Left who wanted a much quicker transition to socialized medicine.  But I said:  ‘Whoa…hold off until Swoop #3 or #4 with those notions so we don’t totally freak out the country with our master plans.’  You see I’m trying to act like a centrist, and work with the other side.

BB:  The Congressional Budget Office has said the $500 billion you say you’re going to save on Medicare is not even being spent on Medicare today.  Are you just making this stuff up as you go along?

BO:  Yes, partly.  It’s kind of like what we did when we talked about job loss avoidance.  There are really not any new jobs being created, but how can you spin that kind of bad news?  Easy, just talk about how many jobs might have been lost if we didn’t do these goofy programs.  We have excellent analysts who can gin up these fictitious numbers to make it sound good to the public…

BB:  Sir, you are filibustering again.  With all due respect, could you just answer the question without all your mindless blabbering?

BO:  The point is, yes, we play a numbers game…shifting money between accounts, so that we can say we saved here or there…when in fact we’ll be spending cash out the ying-yang.  Some people have figured it out, but honestly, most citizens are too dumb to know the difference, especially our core voters.  They don’t care about the $500 billion, they just care about getting that sales price on the Cheeto’s at WalMart.

BB:  Well, sir, we’re almost out of time.  One last question:  if this Obamacare bill doesn’t pass, does this mean you will be considered by historians to be the most incompetent president since Millard Fillmore?

BO:  You’re a pretty funny guy.  I’m surprised you haven’t gone on the comedy club circuit, rather than hanging around the Creepsville at Fox.  Time to wrap this one up.  Good night.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  But you probably figured that out already.

“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it,” Nancy Pelosi said recently in describing her intended path forward on the Obamacare bill.  Naturally, sound bites can be taken out of context and misinterpreted, so Bizarreville brings you the full speech made by Ms. Pelosi to better understand this odd-ball quote.

“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it.  Truly no one knows what’s in the bill because it keeps changing minute by minute, as we layer skanky deals, sleazy kickbacks, and other unconscionable wizardry to get reluctant lawmakers to get with the friggin program.    Honestly, no one up here knows what’s in this bill or any other bill for that matter.  It just takes too long to read the darn things.  To tell you the truth, I haven’t read a single bill since I got this gig.  Most of them are so full of legal garblety gook that I start dozing off after page one…yawn…I get sleepy even talking about it.  Got any No Doze?  Besides, I have high-paid flunkies to read this crap.  If there’s something I need to know, they’ll tell me.

“But the real point is:  it does not matter what’s in this particular bill.  Content is irrelevant.  It’s about taking over the Health care program….duhhh.  It’s a cornerstone in our revolution to get rid of the greedy private insurance companies that are making outrageous 3-percent profit margins, and get everyone and their uncle on the government dole… with the program controlled by smart people in high offices, rather than the whims of the so-called market.  Haven’t you all figured that out yet?  We’re going to be introducing the 100% Public program soon….oops, I mean public option….I keep forgetting it’s an ‘option’ (ha, ha).  We’ll turn Blue Cross into Blue Sauce by this time next year.

“But the real question is how to get this thing passed.  I’m not exactly sure how we’re going to pass the bill, but we will pass it one way or the other.  We may vote on it if we have the votes.  Or we may skip the voting process and just ‘deem’ it passed.  I like the deem approach personally.  Think I might deem myself a trip to Bermuda, or deem myeself a new 5-karat diamond ring…maybe deem myself a raise to pay for it all.  Yeah, deeming…glad we thought of it.  Deem a few Republicans to go jump off a bridge with a couple cases of tea bags in their arms.

“But listen, here’s the deal.  We’ll pass the Obamacare bill…incidently why haven’t you guys called it Pelosi-Care….I think I deserve at least partial credit for it all.  Then we’ll eventually figure out how it will work, and pass whatever bills we need to get it done.  That’s it…simple.  For the life of me, I don’t understand why everyone wants to make this thing so complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.