April 2nd, 2010
Old Biff comes Back from the Future
Last Wednesday, a decrepid old codger- coughing, wheezing, and walking with a cane – showed up at the Capitol flailing his arms and warning of impending disaster. He claimed that he was Thomas F. Wilson, the actor who played Biff in the Back to the Future movies, but clearly he appeared to be a much older fart than Wilson. He demanded an audience with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid, or at least a 15 minute spot on Hard Ball. All requests were denied.
Wilson said that, unbelievable as it may seem, he just arrived here, having travelled back from the future in a converted Toyota Prius. “They couldn’t find a DeLorean when the scientists finally invented the flux capacitor, and there were a lot of unsold Prius’ in dealer lots gathering dust,” Wilson quipped.
But Wilson quickly changed to the subject at hand. He said that some punk kid named Karl Pelosi had stolen the Prius in 2025, went back from the future to 2008, maybe even earlier, to engineer the fake bank crisis that led to the 2008/2009 recession. “By doing that, he created an alternate space-time continuum that you are living today. It allowed the ascendancy of Pelosi and Reid, and the election of Obama that has put the country on a path toward the destruction of capitalism and loss of economic freedom, which will happen gradually in the next 7 years.
Wilson said he tried to program the Prius to take him back prior to the Senate Health Care vote in late 2009 in order to try and change the vote of Ben Nelson, infamous turncoat senator from Nebraska. “But the darn accelerator pedal stuck and it dropped me here. Really need to fix that stupid thing before I end up in the friggin’ Middle Ages.”
He then rolled out the upcoming series of events in the current reality: the Obamacare program could never be overturned, despite many attempts. The Public Option was rammed through in 2011 on a “Reconciliation vote”, ultimately causing the end of private insurance plans. “I had to wait 6 months to get a prescription for my hemmoroids, for crying out loud.”
Wilson recounted that the momentum Liberals get from Obamacare passage then help them nationalize the rest of the auto industry, the oil industry, the basic materials industries, and the media networks. In 2015, they rename the Jefferson Memorial the “People’s Memorial” and allow graffiti artists to display their creative expression on the walls. “They put a free condom dispenser where the old statue was standing,” Wilson lamented.
He said the November 2010 elections are a key turning point along this continuum. In the current reality, Liberals hold onto both houses barely, but just enough to keep jamming through their socialist agenda at this critical time. By 2012, there are so many people on the government dole, on “Expanded Welfare” that covers half the middle class, on the “Food Stamps Plus Beer Stamps” program, on the “Grown Up Kids without Jobs” program, on the “Call In Sick from Work and Still Get Paid” program, and/or on the “Totally Open Immigration” program that they end up with a quasi-permanent majority of voters who are indebted to them. Conservatives lose their voice when talk radio is forced to adopt the ‘equal time’ provision in early 2012 and becomes so boring that people return to listening to classic rock.
While Wilson was railing about making a difference in the upcoming November elections, he started fading away. “I think that idiot Karl Pelosi stole another Prius, went back, and started dating my mom. I gotta go.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the time travel stuff.
