bizarreville

BB:  Looks like the House is going to try to pass the Senate bill by some flakey “deem and pass” rule so they don’t have to actually vote on this package of sheer stupidity.  Is that okay with you?

BO:  I don’t give a  s#!%  what procedural tom foolery they use to jam it through…just so long as the pass the friggin thing and I sign it.

BB:  We asked our viewers to email suggested questions.  More than 18 thousand took time to email them in.  Here’s one from California asking why all the intimidation, arm twisting, seedy deals…

BO:  Pfffft….18 thousand?  That’s nothing.  I could line up 40 thousand left wing kooks in less than 15 seconds who want more arm twisting, more seediness, and a hell of a lot more intimidation.  That’s why I’ve been stumping to intimidate these fence sitters.

BB:  But these are real people…

BO:  People, shmeeple.  Most of them don’t know what’s good for them.  It’s like when our moms forced castor oil down our throats when we were sick kids.  We just held our nose and gulped it down.  If we had a vote in those days, the castor oil company would be out of business.

BB:  But what about all these skanky deals, like the Connecticut deal…

BO:  The who….what???

BB:  The Connecticut 100 million bucks for the hospital deal, or Montana special asbestos program, or Florida’s special deal on Medicare.  The people in  Bumf%*k , New Jersey are wondering when their sweetheart package is coming down the pike?  People are saying this whole process is butt-ugly.

BO:  Okay, sure.  I, too, called this whole dealmaking process an “ugly” process at the Summit last month.  But the fact is, you have to do a certain amount of ugly stuff to get the votes.  I don’t like it, Harry Reid doesn’t like it, Nancy doesn’t like it…but it’s just something we have to do to get stuff passed.  The Republicans did the same thing when they were in charge.

BB:  But, sir, they did it on chicken sh!#  bills.  You are doing it on a bill that will impact one-sixth of the US economy.  One sixth, dude…

BO:  Yes, but we’re not transforming one-sixth of the economy all in one fell swoop.  It’s going to take a dozen swoops, maybe two dozen swoops before we get this health care program completely controlled by government.  I rejected a lot of strong demands from the Left who wanted a much quicker transition to socialized medicine.  But I said:  ‘Whoa…hold off until Swoop #3 or #4 with those notions so we don’t totally freak out the country with our master plans.’  You see I’m trying to act like a centrist, and work with the other side.

BB:  The Congressional Budget Office has said the $500 billion you say you’re going to save on Medicare is not even being spent on Medicare today.  Are you just making this stuff up as you go along?

BO:  Yes, partly.  It’s kind of like what we did when we talked about job loss avoidance.  There are really not any new jobs being created, but how can you spin that kind of bad news?  Easy, just talk about how many jobs might have been lost if we didn’t do these goofy programs.  We have excellent analysts who can gin up these fictitious numbers to make it sound good to the public…

BB:  Sir, you are filibustering again.  With all due respect, could you just answer the question without all your mindless blabbering?

BO:  The point is, yes, we play a numbers game…shifting money between accounts, so that we can say we saved here or there…when in fact we’ll be spending cash out the ying-yang.  Some people have figured it out, but honestly, most citizens are too dumb to know the difference, especially our core voters.  They don’t care about the $500 billion, they just care about getting that sales price on the Cheeto’s at WalMart.

BB:  Well, sir, we’re almost out of time.  One last question:  if this Obamacare bill doesn’t pass, does this mean you will be considered by historians to be the most incompetent president since Millard Fillmore?

BO:  You’re a pretty funny guy.  I’m surprised you haven’t gone on the comedy club circuit, rather than hanging around the Creepsville at Fox.  Time to wrap this one up.  Good night.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  But you probably figured that out already.