bizarreville

Investigative reporters have uncovered secret papers showing conclusively the Administration’s strategy to begin the process of nationalizing the dog food industry before summer.  Dog food industry analysts were surprised and perplexed by this development, and initially failed to see how their business could be likened to autos or banks in terms of attractiveness for 100% government control….why not pick on film-making, beer production, or roto-rooting?

Larry Milfner, long time dog food industry analyst and inventor of the electronic pooper scooper, was not particularly surprised.  “Dog food is a highly strategic business for the country.  If some crazy terrorist group were to infiltrate dog food manufacturing and compromise their quality systems in a major way, the nation would have to start feeding its dogs cat food.

“This would create 2 problems:  First, the cat food would totally screw up the dogs’ digestive systems, causing doggie diarrhea on a monumental scale.  Second, the cat owners would become outraged by the almost immediate dwindling of cat food availability, and the ensuing breakout of cat malnutrition.  There would be fist fights in the WalMart parking lot between dog owners and cat owners over precious cans of Fancy Feast.

“I could see a civil war developing in the country between the masses of dog lovers versus cat lovers.  There is already so much tension between these 2 sects, and this kind of incident would take it over the tipping point.  There would be brother against brother feuds, sister against sister ‘cat fights’.  It would be bloody, and would require a leader with the charisma of Abe Lincoln to bring the sides together again.  And we’ve got no Abe Lincoln in the queue, believe me.

“Nationalizing the dog food industry, and for that matter the cat food industry too, is a logical step.  The government could bring in the whole Homeland Security force to provide the added protections that would preclude this catastrophic outcome to our nation.  I applaud the Administration for having this kind of foresight to protect our society.”

Another dog food industry expert was interviewed and asked to comment on Milfner’s analysis.  He said that it was high time that everyone realized the importance of dog food in our world.

Luis Gutierrez, representative from Illinois, was the latest in the series of Dems who have indicated plans to switch from No to Yes on the upcoming Obamacare vote.  Mr. Gutierrez was asked why he switched.

“Originally, I thought the Obamacare program sucked, sucked bad.  I was concerned, along with my constituents, that the government takeover of one-sixth the economy was not what we wanted, the death panels were a bad idea, and the trillion dollar cost tab was obnoxious.  Furthermore, I felt that we shouldn’t make the taxpayer pay for sex change operations or male enhancement hormone therapy.  But what really irked me was when I heard that the new bill would not allow illegal immigrants to participate.  I was flabbergasted at this unfair act of blatant discrimination.

“But I met with the President, and he helped put it all in a better perspective.  He told me that the evil Health Insurance companies were busy building a Death Star to blow up the planet, similar to the one that destroyed Alderaan.  Those insurance creeps have been using the enormous profits raked from our poor citizens to finance the construction work, and it was slated for completion within 4 years.  He said if we don’t stop them, crush them, they will complete the Death Star, relocate all their favored people onto it, and super-laser beam the earth.  The President also mentioned that he had inside information that there would be zero illegal aliens invited to board the Death Star…zip, nada.

“I knew that the Insurance companies were bad guys, but I never knew they were this nasty.  I knew they were indiscriminately jacking our rates up, but I never knew where all the money was going.  I thought that the rates were going up to pay for more technologically-advanced diagnostic equipment and extensive medical treatment facilities to prolong life.  Now I find out it has been used for technologically-advanced evil spacecraft to extend life for these extra-terrestial wannabes.  Man, was I wrong on that one!  No clue.”

Obamacare bill opponents told Gutierrez that the Death Star garbage was pure crap.  They laughed and said there is no such thing as a Death Star, and even if there was, they certainly wouldn’t blast Earth.  But Gutierrez responded that this was the honest-to-goodness President telling him this information, and there is no way he would ever make up that kind of stuff.  Luis said we need to support Obamacare immediately and snuff out these Insurance freaks and all their illicit buddies before we all end up vaporized.

Gutierrez looks at it from a practical standpoint now:  a trillion dollars to save the entire planet?  Easy choice.  “I’m on board with the President on this one.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

BB:  Looks like the House is going to try to pass the Senate bill by some flakey “deem and pass” rule so they don’t have to actually vote on this package of sheer stupidity.  Is that okay with you?

BO:  I don’t give a  s#!%  what procedural tom foolery they use to jam it through…just so long as the pass the friggin thing and I sign it.

BB:  We asked our viewers to email suggested questions.  More than 18 thousand took time to email them in.  Here’s one from California asking why all the intimidation, arm twisting, seedy deals…

BO:  Pfffft….18 thousand?  That’s nothing.  I could line up 40 thousand left wing kooks in less than 15 seconds who want more arm twisting, more seediness, and a hell of a lot more intimidation.  That’s why I’ve been stumping to intimidate these fence sitters.

BB:  But these are real people…

BO:  People, shmeeple.  Most of them don’t know what’s good for them.  It’s like when our moms forced castor oil down our throats when we were sick kids.  We just held our nose and gulped it down.  If we had a vote in those days, the castor oil company would be out of business.

BB:  But what about all these skanky deals, like the Connecticut deal…

BO:  The who….what???

BB:  The Connecticut 100 million bucks for the hospital deal, or Montana special asbestos program, or Florida’s special deal on Medicare.  The people in  Bumf%*k , New Jersey are wondering when their sweetheart package is coming down the pike?  People are saying this whole process is butt-ugly.

BO:  Okay, sure.  I, too, called this whole dealmaking process an “ugly” process at the Summit last month.  But the fact is, you have to do a certain amount of ugly stuff to get the votes.  I don’t like it, Harry Reid doesn’t like it, Nancy doesn’t like it…but it’s just something we have to do to get stuff passed.  The Republicans did the same thing when they were in charge.

BB:  But, sir, they did it on chicken sh!#  bills.  You are doing it on a bill that will impact one-sixth of the US economy.  One sixth, dude…

BO:  Yes, but we’re not transforming one-sixth of the economy all in one fell swoop.  It’s going to take a dozen swoops, maybe two dozen swoops before we get this health care program completely controlled by government.  I rejected a lot of strong demands from the Left who wanted a much quicker transition to socialized medicine.  But I said:  ‘Whoa…hold off until Swoop #3 or #4 with those notions so we don’t totally freak out the country with our master plans.’  You see I’m trying to act like a centrist, and work with the other side.

BB:  The Congressional Budget Office has said the $500 billion you say you’re going to save on Medicare is not even being spent on Medicare today.  Are you just making this stuff up as you go along?

BO:  Yes, partly.  It’s kind of like what we did when we talked about job loss avoidance.  There are really not any new jobs being created, but how can you spin that kind of bad news?  Easy, just talk about how many jobs might have been lost if we didn’t do these goofy programs.  We have excellent analysts who can gin up these fictitious numbers to make it sound good to the public…

BB:  Sir, you are filibustering again.  With all due respect, could you just answer the question without all your mindless blabbering?

BO:  The point is, yes, we play a numbers game…shifting money between accounts, so that we can say we saved here or there…when in fact we’ll be spending cash out the ying-yang.  Some people have figured it out, but honestly, most citizens are too dumb to know the difference, especially our core voters.  They don’t care about the $500 billion, they just care about getting that sales price on the Cheeto’s at WalMart.

BB:  Well, sir, we’re almost out of time.  One last question:  if this Obamacare bill doesn’t pass, does this mean you will be considered by historians to be the most incompetent president since Millard Fillmore?

BO:  You’re a pretty funny guy.  I’m surprised you haven’t gone on the comedy club circuit, rather than hanging around the Creepsville at Fox.  Time to wrap this one up.  Good night.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  But you probably figured that out already.

“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it,” Nancy Pelosi said recently in describing her intended path forward on the Obamacare bill.  Naturally, sound bites can be taken out of context and misinterpreted, so Bizarreville brings you the full speech made by Ms. Pelosi to better understand this odd-ball quote.

“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it.  Truly no one knows what’s in the bill because it keeps changing minute by minute, as we layer skanky deals, sleazy kickbacks, and other unconscionable wizardry to get reluctant lawmakers to get with the friggin program.    Honestly, no one up here knows what’s in this bill or any other bill for that matter.  It just takes too long to read the darn things.  To tell you the truth, I haven’t read a single bill since I got this gig.  Most of them are so full of legal garblety gook that I start dozing off after page one…yawn…I get sleepy even talking about it.  Got any No Doze?  Besides, I have high-paid flunkies to read this crap.  If there’s something I need to know, they’ll tell me.

“But the real point is:  it does not matter what’s in this particular bill.  Content is irrelevant.  It’s about taking over the Health care program….duhhh.  It’s a cornerstone in our revolution to get rid of the greedy private insurance companies that are making outrageous 3-percent profit margins, and get everyone and their uncle on the government dole… with the program controlled by smart people in high offices, rather than the whims of the so-called market.  Haven’t you all figured that out yet?  We’re going to be introducing the 100% Public program soon….oops, I mean public option….I keep forgetting it’s an ‘option’ (ha, ha).  We’ll turn Blue Cross into Blue Sauce by this time next year.

“But the real question is how to get this thing passed.  I’m not exactly sure how we’re going to pass the bill, but we will pass it one way or the other.  We may vote on it if we have the votes.  Or we may skip the voting process and just ‘deem’ it passed.  I like the deem approach personally.  Think I might deem myself a trip to Bermuda, or deem myeself a new 5-karat diamond ring…maybe deem myself a raise to pay for it all.  Yeah, deeming…glad we thought of it.  Deem a few Republicans to go jump off a bridge with a couple cases of tea bags in their arms.

“But listen, here’s the deal.  We’ll pass the Obamacare bill…incidently why haven’t you guys called it Pelosi-Care….I think I deserve at least partial credit for it all.  Then we’ll eventually figure out how it will work, and pass whatever bills we need to get it done.  That’s it…simple.  For the life of me, I don’t understand why everyone wants to make this thing so complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The joint leadership of Congress declared last week the official end of bipartisanship and any pretense of both sides working together.  The exciting announcement was made together by both parties on the steps of the Capitol, after which the parties gave each other high-fives, chest bumps, then flipped each other the bird.  There was dancing in the street by all the citizens who have been sick and tired of all the mickey mouse for months.  The press corps also cheered wildly, and broke out bottles of cheap champagne to celebrate the end to the silly games of gotcha…although some reporters sadly realized that the funnest parts of their jobs may now be over, and they will have to go back to just reporting plain old boring news.

It was long overdue.  But the recent Health Care bill fiasco finally made all realize that enough is enough.  “We want to take the country into a new, exciting, changed world…a world of marxism, and they don’t,” said a Democratic senator.  “There’s no reasoning with those slobs on the right.  They just want the same old/same old…with policies of minimal government that are so passe that no one in the world subscribes to anymore.  They need to seriously join the 21st century, and get out of their 1776-vintage old fogey ways.  Time to wake up and smell the latte, boys.”

Republicans are also relieved at not having to bother with “finding common ground with skunks,” as one congressman put it.  They had become frustrated after trying for months and months to interject one lousy little idea into the Obamacare bill, but were shot down and shut out on every try.  Conservatives had gotten angry over the secret backroom deals, the Cornhusker Kickbacks, making-up new far-fetched rules on the fly if Dems didn’t like the old rules, and worst of all – using the Constitution for TP.  Finally, they said piss on it…we’ll let the voters decide in November if they want Mao and his buddies running things.  They then bought themselves a round of shots at Murphy’s Bar, and poured them down their gullets.

The party atmosphere is expected to continue through the St. Patrick’s day holiday.  Liberals will be dressed in their customary orange outfits so as to not offend non-Irish people, and naturally are prepared to be cat-called “Protestants” on Wednesday.  All are hoping to avoid confrontations like the ones last year, which unfortunately culminated in one drunken Lib yelling out, “Danny Boy was a tea bagger.”  Naturally this erupted into fisticuffs with several black eyes, before the paddywagons took the drunk and his orange buddies away.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

A consortium of Mid-East lawyers has announced plans to file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of hundreds of suicide bombers, against Al-Qaeda leaders.  The suit was initiated by a lawyer representing one of the recent 4 bombers who lit off in Kandohar over ther weekend.  The lawyer claimed he was visited by his client’s ghost wearing a fire-retardant outfit, and smelling like a Burger King parking lot, wanting immediate justice.  The consortium spokesman said it would likely be a difficult lawsuit representing so many dead guys, but they were confident in ultimate victory.

The problem, they say, comes down to a breach of promise made to the suicide crazies:  that they would receive an eternal perch in heaven and a bevvy of virgins, in return for their suicide act.  The lawyers say that they have conclusive evidence that these patsies, in fact, ended up in the hottest-stoked grates in hell.  Worse yet, the so-called “virgins” ended up being virgin sheep.

Al-Qaeda lawyers say that there is no such evidence, and that they have been assured by the Council of Islamic clerics that the eternal promises are rock solid and are truly being kept.  They have produced volumes of scripts from prophets and learned theologians as their so-called proof.

But the plaintiffs believe they have a winnable case.  They have conducted hundreds of seances, producing audio tapes and bonefide transcripts from top-notch mediums.  Lawyers claim they have quotes such as “I’m friggin burning up down here,” “These sheep smell really bad,” “My soul is past well-done, turn me over,” and “Hitler sends his regards.”

It is still an uphill battle in getting a judge to hear their case.  Much of the evidence will be considered hear-say, at best.  Cross-examination will be difficult, if not impossible.  And, naturally, the other difficulty would be the lack of a workable remedy.  Stay tuned.

The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

At last count, the Democrats needed about 5 votes to swing from Maybe No to Maybe Yes on the upcoming Health Care vote in the House.  Some congresspeople have been sitting on the fence waiting for a Cornhusker kickback or a promise of a future modification to the Obamacare program to meet their own special need.  One guy said he was still a bit torn between representing his constituents and jumping on the Pelosi bandwagon, but said, “Hey, I can always go back to my original job when I get thrown out…an undertaker.  Lot less stressful, lot fewer complaints from the customer.  Pelosi even promised to send some deceased friends and clients my way.  Pretty sweet…”

Both sides are desperately scrambling to capture the waffler crowd.  Republicans, via talk radio, are encouraging voters to call/scream/email their congressperson.  Dems, meanwhile, convinced the President to cancel his agenda to talk one-on-one with these guys….even visiting them in the shower or stalls if necessary.  They feel that this type of intimacy will create a special bond that will help them see the President and his plan in a new light…and ultimately help them realize their position doesn’t measure up.

But just to be on the safe side, the Democrats are now pulling out all the stops, and starting to employ Elmer Goink, the Presidential gym instructor and piano mover, to provide a new level of persuasive techniques on the final holdouts.  Realizing that these holdouts are having “basic trouble” understanding simple expectations, the Leaders feel Elmer will help them make the connection.  They feel Elmer’s special techniques will work well on the slight-of-build and/or frail old farts who seemingly just need a smidgen of extra encouragement.  These conviction-less people, many of whom surprisingly were used-car salesmen prior to election to Congress, may reconsider when Goink uses terms like unexpected brake failure, chunks of ceiling mysteriously dropping, and bear hugs run amok.

Democratic leaders are already confidently counting these people in the Yes column, and are starting to work on the next piece of government takeover…but have been coy on whether it is going to be the Fast Food industry, the Airline industry, the Kentucky Bourbon industry, or the Waste hauling industry…the latter being a somewhat logical choice since there is so much expertise in the generation side of the waste business already in Washington.  Whichever it is, they say that they need to move fast so they can have a vote before May Day.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty darn real.

Bizarreville officials proudly announced today that, after much toil and tribulation, they were able to secure some of the dribblings from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.  Bizarreville had received a small dose of funds last year, mostly used to upgrade the Port-a-pottys at Shlumplers Park… along with a training program for citizens on how to properly use them.  When asked what in the world does this have to do with improving the economy, officials said that it puts the money being paid for pay toilet usage back in the hands of ordinary citizens.  As a side benefit, it will also keep the homeless from pissing in the alleys, thus improving the environment, hygiene, and general smell of the downtown area.

But now, new funding has made it through the bureaucratic maze of government, and passed muster of the allocation wizards and earmark distributors.  The first project will be to refurbish the disgusting ghetto homes on the south side.  These homes are only 2 years old, but have been completely trashed and turned into crap by the inhabitants.  The refurbishing, this time, will utilize much sturdier materials that will extend the life between trashings, and/or make it much more difficult for the trashees to do their demolition.

Some money will be used to spray Ortho-crud in the weed-infested front yards of these decrepid homes, as well as splash some grass seeds around.  Money will be saved versus original estimates after it was discovered that the yards have ample pre-existing fertilizer.

A second project will provide 50 audible pedestrian crosswalk countdowns, aimed at people who have trouble understanding the “Don’t Walk” concept.  Some extra funding was approved to commission George Clooney to do the countdown voiceover, and issue curt instructions for the disobedient when detected by heat-sensing equipment (also paid for with Stimulus funds).  Most officials expect that pedestrians will ignore these audio reminders just like they ignore the regular signals, but overwhelmingly love the novelty element of it all.  “Hey, it’s not our money, anyway….it’s Stimulus money,” spouted an unnamed official.

Click over and catch the newest update on our CPA buddies fighting the Simpli-tax proposal —–>

Toyota executives, tired and stressed-out from the continuing flap over alleged accelerator pedal sticking and faulty brake systems on their hybrid and other cars, have been huddling and finally announced an exciting new strategy for their company.  They plan to take all the recalled hybrids and convert them to electric bumper cars for the amusement parks around the world.

“It was a logical choice,” the Head Marketing manager for Toyota spouted.  “Bumper cars are pedal-to-the-metal vehicles all the time that never require let up on the throttle, and certainly do not need braking.  Why spend jillions of dollars trying to find some alleged needle in the haystack problem…then be faced with class-action lawsuit after class-action lawsuit from the idiots out there who probably just forgot to take their friggin foot off the gas?”

A spokesman for the United Bumper Car Association was concerned that the typical Prius is a bit too big for the current bumper car electro-tracks, and if placed along side conventional bumper cars, may in fact run them over…crushing the riders in the smaller car.  Toyota engineers agree, and suggest that the old-style cars adopt roll bars and roll-over protection enhancements that would prevent such a catastrophe.  “I’m frankly surprised that the bumper cars don’t have such protection now,” an engineer said.

Toyota strategists think this could rekindle the bumper car business, and may open up a brand new market for family fun.  They are considering building new, larger bumper car tracks near NASCAR venues to attract customers looking for an experience that is more than just spectating.

The Demolition Derby Association has also been asking about making a deal with Toyota for recalled cars, but thus far no deal has been reached.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Bizarreville reporters have been able to get the inside scoop to help us all better understand Rahm Emanuel’s new shower strategy to pressure various Dems to vote for the President’s liberaloski agenda.  Many pundits had previously thought the shower thing was kind of yang showdown…but further investigation uncovered certain technical problems that made that approach non-feasible.

No, Emanuel is instead trying to break down the shyness barrier that is so prevalent in the country, so that people get more used to the idea of communal showers and public baths.  “After all,” Emanuel said, ” it was commonplace in Roman times for citizens to get naked together, bathe with each other, and wash each others’ private parts.  Why, two thousand years later, are we so nakedophobic now?”

Communal bathing is a key cornerstone in his future vision for the country.  He considers people who have enormous master bathrooms and homes with multiple private toilets as “greedy crappers”.  He has mentioned several times that he converted 3 bathrooms in his own home into small apartments for his in-laws, and replaced one small toilet in the remaining head with a communal trough for multi-users.  Rahm points out that his family saves 2000 gallons of water per year by these buddy-up conservation measures.

For smirkers, Emanuel responds that his setup will be the model for the future, when water rationing becomes law…probably in Obama’s second term.  Meanwhile, he understands that some congressmen will complain about his jaybird strategy.  Female congresspeople could not be reached for comment.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.