bizarreville

During an interview a couple weeks ago, Congressman John Dingell from Michigan had an inadvertant slip of the tongue and let out the administration’s next series of strategies in the Change You Can Believe In program.  Dingell is the longest serving congressman in the House, having been reelected an amazing 26 times.  He has kept the liberal vision alive during all that time, and with the recent change in power, seems was just unable to control his exhuberence.

Dingell was quoted saying: “…it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that will have to be taken to put legislation together to control the people.”  The ‘control the people’ phrase set off a firestorm in conservative camps who immediately started probing into the next shoe-drop in the move toward socialism that is expected to be proposed by summer.  Under huge pressure, Mr. Edlard Smurf, spokesman for the administration finally relented and addressed the crowds.

“John has let the freaking cat out of the bag on our yet-to-be-announced program on tighter people control.  I guess he has been supporting this move for so long, that he just could no longer hold it in.  No matter.  Affectionately known as Project ViceGrip around here, it will be intended to quickly bring an end to the out-of-control freedoms that have simply lingered too long.  People have unfortunately been given too much choice…where to live, where to go for french fries, how to dance, where to go to college, what jobs to get…on and on.  And you see where it has gotten us?  To a country where some people live very well, and others live like crap.  It’s just not fair, the President knows it, and you know it.  Our new ViceGrip program will be the great equalizer.”

Smurf references how well tight control has worked with smoking.  By raising cigarette taxes and limiting where people can smoke, the government has been able to make a significant change in people’s behavior.  And even though there are many people who continue to smoke, Smurf says that it is mainly confined to dirt bags, rednecks, drug users, and kids.   

Smurf says that their People control program will be a comprehensive roll-out, that will eventually rein in behaviors of all kind that the Leaders feel are unhealthy, unwise, unproductive, or unfair.  In some cases, there will be incentives to encourage good behavior…such as eating carrots instead of cheese balls, or walking to the market instead of driving.  Specific incentives have yet to be determined, but could include things like free movie tickets to G-rated shows, a case of Granola bars, or a 6-pack of prune juice.  Extraordinary good behavior could get you a free vacation in Cuba with Michael Moore as your host.

But in addition to the “carrot” approach, there will also be the “stick” …for misbehavior such as attending Tea Party rallies, listening to Glenn Beck, or making profit in a business.  Even something as simple as Working Hard will be watched closely in order to flush out anyone who tries to play the one-upsmanship game.  Extra paddy wagons will be appropriated to shuttle off these ne’er-do-wells to various holding cells for remedial realignment retraining. 

ViceGrip will be extended to the college admission process by nationalizing all colleges.  Smurf says that there is no feasible way to reach true equality over who gets in and who gets tossed…so a select Committee will decide.  And their decision will not be based solely on the semi-unfair traditional measures such as high school grades or the SAT scores.  No, the Committee will have the latitude to consider all objective and subjective factors when making their assignments…with the watchword being “equalizing”.  Smurf said that those egghead prima donnas with the 1600 SAT scores may just find themselves enrolled at Bumf*#!k University next semester.

Dingell was later reached for comment, and said that he had originally wanted just a little more government control, but ViceGrip takes it far beyond his wildest dreams.  When asked how his suburban Detroit constituents will react to ViceGrip and whether this could influence his ability to go for a 27th term, Dingell said “I don’t really give a sh!*t.  I’m ready to retire anyway.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

With the recent announcement that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring, there is a scramble to quickly develop a short-list of candidates for his replacement.  Stevens was most known for being the outspoken leader of the liberal wing of the Court.  He was nominated by President Ford in 1975, and at the time, appeared to be a constitutional conservative, but almost immediately did a quick 180 and changed his views on everything legal.  He changed his views on affirmative action, the death penalty, gun control, and at one point suggested just scrapping the Constitution and starting over.  “Man, I sure fooled those bozos,” said Stevens at the time.  “What a bunch of saps.”

A local county judge from Bizarreville has emerged as a potential replacement candidate, named Judge Mert Shlunk.  Mert also owns the Shlunk Auto Body Collision shop, which offers a guarantee to give any customer 5 pounds of coffee if they gripe that their repair job sucks.  In terms of background, Shlunk got his law degree from Stubitz Refrigerator College with a solid C-average, and a fairly good class attendance record.  He became a judge 13 years ago, and put on a brilliant campaign… which seemed somewhat irrelevant when it turned out no one else was running.  He has had no issues of personal infidelity staining his tenure on the bench, but quips that maybe he would have if he was better looking.

Shlunk is an enigma in terms of his political philosophy and leanings.  He attends church regularly, but doesn’t put anything into the offering basket.  He believes strongly in the Constitution, but admits that technically he’s never read it, cover to cover.  “Every time I go to the library, it’s checked out.”

Shlunk supports equal rights, and espouses expanding the rights of NASCAR fans, light beer drinkers, and Moms-with-bratty-kids segments of the population.  He believes that women have the right to choose, but thinks that mainly should apply to what to cook for dinner and which fabric softener to buy.  He is unsure of his stand on the constitutionality of income tax, indicating that particular issue may be in the part of the Constitution he hasn’t read yet.  He does not believe in gay marriage, but says he’s not so crazy about straight marriage either.

When asked about Roe vs. Wade, he said he normally prefers to stay inside the boat, and would generally prefer to pick up an oar if his fishing boat motor konks out.  “In fact, I have a pretty solid record on this issue,” Shlunk said.  “I really need to buy a new motor for that friggin boat.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Introducing the new Thugster Card, a card designed especially for that small portion of the population who normally has been systematically excluded from any/all perky Rewards programs…the common thug.  Now you, yes you, can utilize your own unique talents/skills to earn exciting prizes and trips to your favorite destinations.

Each time you go into that biker bar and beat up a few weenies, you earn points that will be tabulated by the bar-keep hiding beneath the bar.  Break a few chairs or mirrors:  bonus points.  Pop some smart alec with a pool cue-stick:  earn gold star points, as well as the admiration of your fellow Thugster reward friends.

But there’s more, much more.  Even simple thuggery like shoving an old lady into a mud puddle gets you points, if witnessed by another Thugster card member.  Sticking out your tongue at a little baby and scaring him half to death has been another popular point-grabber.  Almost any kind of cheating will help you quickly rack up bonus points as you strive for Platinum card status.  And when you get there, point awards all double.  Imagine that!

Just present your card to the Warden after your sentence, and he will provide you with a pamphlet of thrill-packed choices…ranging from paisley or pastel-colored jumpsuits to Chain gang adventures where you can pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke and get the piss actually knocked out of you…!  How’s that for a reality experience?  You may even get 30 days in the hole, if they still have holes where you’ll be staying.

And when you’re parolled, the Warden will hand your Thugster card back so that you can get back on the street and start amassing new points:  harrassing homeless peole, urinating in public, or shouting obscenities at a cop.  The fun never stops.

Sign up now.  And remember there’s no annual fee.  Actually there was an annual fee, but our President stole it…gave him 300 points for that one…what a riot!  Act now.

The Bizarreville Bankers Association issued a statement yesterday that has a segment of citizens very upset.  The Bankers announced that there will no longer be a classification of mortgage loans titled “Sub-prime” mortgages.  As most know, sub-prime mortgages were widely viewed as a key contributing factor to the recent financial crisis and economic recession.  And so to distance themselves from this confusing and very ambiguous term, the Bankers have decided to drop it altogether.

In its place will be 3 new classifications of mortgage loans, and all loans for that matter:  (1) Prime credit loans, (2) Loans to people whose credit sucks, and (3) Loans to numbskulls who will most assuredly never pay them back, so say goodbye to that dough.  The Banks will also adopt a new logo system that will appear on all loan applications and other paperwork…a vacuum cleaner icon on the ‘Credit Sucks’ designees, and a stack of cash with wings icon for the ‘Kiss that dough goodbye’ designees.  Logo tee-shirts will also be available at any participating bank.

Much of the outcry has been related to the #2 classification, Loans to people whose credit sucks.  Gripers argue that this places a stigma on a lot of good people who, through no fault of their own, just ended up getting a dozen or so credit cards with maxxed-out balances, and/or a car loan whose monthly payments were set unreasonably high by greedy bankers.  They claim that it will now be difficult for them to get any financing for a new Lexus or Beamer, let alone a mortgage on that new lakefront cottage.  They will be embarrassed to ever file for bankruptcy for fear of being ridiculed and stigmatized by friends and neighbors.

Several banks have recognized the insensitivity of the ‘Credit Sucks’ designation, and have offered to give any lousy credit customer who opens a new account a free low-power vacuum cleaner as a promotional enticement.  Another bank is giving away free brooms with a label “Don’t suck, sweep”.  The Bankers Association said they are certain that these low-end customers will see the humor in these items…although privately one bank exec said he hopes they do their business at the credit union from here on out.

Surprisingly, there has been little pushback on the ‘Never Pay Back’ designation.  Most feel this segment of the market will return to their roots of borrowing money from Title Pawn companies, loan sharks, and the mob…where contract terms are simpler and payback terms are easy for them to understand.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

The President, during his “Suck up to America” national tour was given a surprise pop mid-term exam by an Econ 101 instructor.  It was a simple 1-question exam.  She asked:  With the incredibly horrible economic conditions and so many people out of work, do you think now would be a wise time to roll-out your proposed tax increases?  Most onlookers thought this was an easy “A” for the President.

Of course, the correct response was a simple “No”.  Just for good measure, 100 onlookers were given the chance to also answer the question, and 93% got it correct…even 5 pre-teens who did not even know how to spell Economics, and one well-trained poodle.

Unfortunately, however, the President did not provide the correct answer…he did not provide the simple “No” response.  Normally, this would have earned him a flat “F”.  But the President went on blabbering for a full 17 minutes in response to this simple yes/no question, rambling into off-tangent subjects such as How to keep jamming Health Care down throats, nationalizing the Porta-john businesses, and improving foreign relations with Mozambique.  When he completed his ramble-thon, he asked the puzzled instructor whether he had answered her question. 

The Test Board had no choice but to issue him an F-minus on this mid-term for “incoherency beyond obnoxion, and a profound lack of basic economic knowledge.”   Sad.

But the Test Board reminded him that it is not too late.  He still has an outside chance to Ace the final, and still get a passing grade.  Clearly he will have to buckle down, stop eating CheetO’s, read his assigned Econ 101 material…not just look at the pictures or grab the Cliff Notes version of Basic Economics…and study a little harder.  He must also avoid the temptation to read the “alternate” revisionist version of Economics authored by such crackerjacks as Homer Simpson, Keith Ubernerd, Michael Moore, or Pee Wee Herman…unless, of course, he wants to become the Millard Fillmore of the 21st Century.  He will have to demonstrate that he has a grasp on what it takes to create real jobs, as opposed to the hypothetical virtual job creating stats that his flunkies keep feeding him. 

He may be forced to dust off a Milton Friedman text or even listen to Bill O’Reilly bloviations to rinse out whatever Obamonomic toxins are clouding his thought process in order to get that passing grade.  Fans are pulling for him. 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

The ghost of Joe McCarthy came down (or up…he wouldn’t say) to assess the current situation on communist infiltration into our society.  He was then instructed to compile a full report for the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.  Tom had heard disturbing news coming from some of the recent liberal dead guys who seemed overly exuberent… even in the afterlife.  Seems they were feeling some sort of redemption from a lifelong struggle to bring the share-the-wealth, handouts for everyone, no-deadbeat-left-behind mantra into being.  They were thinking they found the path to eternal righteousness.  Unfortunately for them, Tom had to tell them they were dead wrong.  He then commissioned McCarthy to check things out.

McCarthy was able to sneak into the secret Democratic Obamacare meetings where they were busy carving out special deals to buy votes.  He reminisced that these were so much like the heady old days in 1940’s and 50’s Chicago where modern sleazy dealmaking was invented.  But he was flabbergasted that the Cornhusker Kickback was such an unabashed public pants-dropping.  “In the old days, we had to keep our skanky deals under the covers in the red light district, politically speaking, of course.  These guys don’t care who sees their soiled shorts.”

Joe started taking note of names who appeared certain to be communists at high levels in the country.  Interviewing one uber-liberal congressman, he was amazed to hear him assertively say, “No way am I a communist!!  No way.  That’s a mean-spirited ploy by the giant right wing conspiracy to mischaracterize me, my family, and my constituents.  It’s just not right.”  When McCarthy asked whether he believed in government health care, government control of oil companies and banks, restrictions on conservative talk radio, and sharing wealth by taxing the hell out of anyone earning a salary, his answer was, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to all of the above.”  When McCarthy suggested his political philosophies seem to line up more with Marx, Putin, or Mao, the congressman said, “You’re a communist.  You are.”

Joe chatted with 50 people on New York city steets, and 49 seemed to basically agree with the congressman.  The 50th guy was a wino who agreed with everything he said, then asked for a buck so he could wet his whistle before answering any more questions.

McCarthy had to report back to Tom that things have headed south since Reagan left office.  He asked Tom if he could come back down in life-form, recommission the House Un-American Activities committee, and bust a few chops of these softies.  But Tom said not right now.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Click over to the Simpli-Tax tab for the next exciting installment of the trek toward Simpli-Tax, and the CPA war to prevent it all from happening.

Note to all loyal Bizarreville followers:  Thanks so much to the growing number of members of Bizarreville Nation for supporting our site by purchasing our book, Tales of Obamaland.  This book helps us continue to fund Bizarreville.  If you’ve not yet dove into Obamaland, please consider buying a copy…for yourself, for a friend, for a colleague…we know you will thoroughly enjoy it.  With political satire written in a Dr. Seuss style, it is a book like no other.  Tales of Obamaland is available at Amazon.com, BooksAMillion.com, BarnesAndNoble (bn.com), and Powells.com, and it is available in e-Book format from iUniverse.com.  Click on any of the 4 logos below and order one!

Last Wednesday, a decrepid old codger- coughing, wheezing, and walking with a cane – showed up at the Capitol flailing his arms and warning of impending disaster.  He claimed that he was Thomas F. Wilson, the actor who played Biff in the Back to the Future movies, but clearly he appeared to be a much older fart than Wilson.  He demanded an audience with Speaker Pelosi and Senator Reid, or at least a 15 minute spot on Hard Ball.  All requests were denied.

Wilson said that, unbelievable as it may seem, he just arrived here, having travelled back from the future in a converted Toyota Prius.  “They couldn’t find a DeLorean when the scientists finally invented the flux capacitor, and there were a lot of unsold Prius’ in dealer lots gathering dust,” Wilson quipped.

But Wilson quickly changed to the subject at hand.  He said that some punk kid named Karl Pelosi had stolen the Prius in 2025, went back from the future to 2008, maybe even earlier, to engineer the fake bank crisis that led to the 2008/2009 recession.  “By doing that, he created an alternate space-time continuum that you are living today.  It allowed the ascendancy of Pelosi and Reid, and the election of Obama that has put the country on a path toward the destruction of capitalism and loss of economic freedom, which will happen gradually in the next 7 years.

Wilson said he tried to program the Prius to take him back prior to the Senate Health Care vote in late 2009 in order to try and change the vote of Ben Nelson, infamous turncoat senator from Nebraska.  “But the darn accelerator pedal stuck and it dropped me here.  Really need to fix that stupid thing before I end up in the friggin’ Middle Ages.”

He then rolled out the upcoming series of events in the current reality:  the Obamacare program could never be overturned, despite many attempts.  The Public Option was rammed through in 2011 on a “Reconciliation vote”, ultimately causing the end of private insurance plans.  “I had to wait 6 months to get a prescription for my hemmoroids, for crying out loud.”

Wilson recounted that the momentum Liberals get from Obamacare passage then help them nationalize the rest of the auto industry, the oil industry, the basic materials industries, and the media networks.  In 2015, they rename the Jefferson Memorial the “People’s Memorial” and allow graffiti artists to display their creative expression on the walls.  “They put a free condom dispenser where the old statue was standing,” Wilson lamented.

He said the November 2010 elections are a key turning point along this continuum.  In the current reality, Liberals hold onto both houses barely, but just enough to keep jamming through their socialist agenda at this critical time.  By 2012, there are so many people on the government dole, on “Expanded Welfare” that covers half the middle class, on the “Food Stamps Plus Beer Stamps” program, on the “Grown Up Kids without Jobs” program, on the “Call In Sick from Work and Still Get Paid” program, and/or on the “Totally Open Immigration” program that they end up with a quasi-permanent majority of voters who are indebted to them.  Conservatives lose their voice when talk radio is forced to adopt the ‘equal time’ provision in early 2012 and becomes so boring that people return to listening to classic rock.

While Wilson was railing about making a difference in the upcoming November elections, he started fading away.  “I think that idiot Karl Pelosi stole another Prius, went back, and started dating my mom.  I gotta go.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the time travel stuff.

The cracker jack Bizarreville Postal Service announced sweeping cost cutting moves in response to their $238 billion projected debt over the next decade.  The strategy will be rolled out in phases over the next 4-5 years to get them from 12-digit deficits down to a manageable 10-digit deficit.  The Postmaster General commented that he has not figured out a way to make money handling/delivering mail, and has suggested they may start delivering pizza if things don’t get better.  Pizza owners quip that a delivered pizza would cost about 38 bucks if the Post Office took charge.

The Post Office will initially start by cutting out Saturday deliveries and Saturday mail pickups to trim $5 billion/year in expenses, and put 49 thousand postal workers on the street.  But within a year or two, they plan to  eliminate Monday and Friday service, then in another two years take it down to just Thursday mail, and to hell with it.  They are considering a new Self-Service concept, whereby customers could just go to the post office and plow through a big pile of mail on the floor to find their stuff…but it’s only at the conceptual stage at this point.

The Office was expecting there to be an outcry about this service cutback, but surveys have shown that citizens could not care less.  Some people surveyed did not even know who the Postal Service was, until it was explained they were the ones who deliver Snail Mail that’s stuffed in that box at the end of their driveway.  “You mean the box that has all the worthless crap mail in it?” asked one surveyed customer, who later remembered getting a birthday card in the box about a year ago.

Supporters point out that the Postal Service is reasonably efficient, given the fact that they are still using a business model honed in the 18th century, and run by a government model honed in the 11th century.  They emphasize that most mail actually makes it to the destination desired, and challenge naysayers to find any other governmental bureaucracy that can get it right over half of the time.

Progressives have proposed bolstering the office with more federal funding, higher stamp prices, and maintaining bloated headcounts with generous wage hikes each year.  “Cuz if they fail, who will deliver our junk mail?” asked a progressive pundit.  “Who?  Fed Ex?  I doubt it.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Several states in the Midwest and South hurriedly passed new laws prohibiting citizens from using the new “N” word in public.  It is hoped that tougher enforcement will control the outbreaks in violence that have occurred since the Obamacare bill was passed, and the emergence of this new derogatory term.

The first reported incident happened in a cozy little bar in a small Indiana town, when one slightly inebriated tea partier called a middle-of-the-road independent “Nancy” in front of all the bar patrons.  Before you knew it, there were “Nancy” calls being shouted throughout the bar, leading to fistfights, broken bar stools, and many pints of spilled beer.  No apologies were given.

The story made national news, as an example of the pent-up frustration and anger stemming from the hyper-partisanship over the Health Care debate, and the raging disappointment over the performance of the nincompoops in Washington.  But others around the country soon jumped on the bandwagon, and Nancy cat-call incidents started popping up here, there, and everywhere.

Most leaders seemed to understand that there was frustration.  But using the Nancy-word took it to a new level…using a term that has come to mean an unscrupulous lying incompetent commie bozo…ouch.  Chiefs of police around the country have said that there is no way that they will allow this kind of pinko epithet to go unchallenged in today’s politically correct world….and will be invoking a no-tolerance policy on the name callers with harsh consequences.

Curiously, liberals have recently called other liberals “Nancy” supposedly as a term of endearment.  However, when overheard by anyone right of Mao, snickers and chuckles have ensued…as they made fun of the naive guy who just got slammed by his buddy.

Police say that the crackdown on Nancy-catcallers has begun, and is being applied whether used as endearment or used as a mega-insult.  “We can’t take chances,” said one chief.  “We will assume anyone using the term is being derogatory with it.”

Girls named Nancy have complained that no one will be able to call them now, without fear of punishment and possible jail time.  Officials say that they understand the predicament, but have advised them to change their names to Mona.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but most of you figured that out already.

Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”.  It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970’s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land.  Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation.  And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other.  Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.

Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines.  They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you.  And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!”  Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story:  good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.

The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook.  He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public.  But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost.  He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims.  “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”

Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable.  The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

“Shut up.  Don’t talk.  Don’t whisper.  Don’t even mouth any words.  Don’t let your body make any sounds whatsoever.  Got that?  None.”  This was the language that the President reportedly used in his recent one-on-one performance review with the Vice President.  Reports are that he was issued a ‘Needs Significant Improvement’ rating due to his general incoherency and his tendency to choose the absolute wrong thing to say at the wrong time.  The latest fumblerooskie during the Health Care bill passage celebration was by no means the sole reason for the special performance review.  But the Office of Stupidity Counts (OSC) indicated that the VP has broken the modern day record for foot-in-mouth incidents since he was nominated for the post, and the President finally said enough is enough.

A senior aide to the Vice President has been issued a vaudeville-era stage hook, and was instructed to carry it with him at all times…public events, private events, non-events.  “He may need to even use it when the Vice President is sitting on the john, if the guy can’t keep his trap shut,” a White House staffer said.

The VP allegedly has agreed to remain on Probation, even though there is technically no Constitutional language that covers Probation or dismissal of a VP on blabbermouth grounds.  But insiders say that the President is not concerned, and will just instruct the Congress to pass a law “regardless of any Constitutional mumbo-jumbo”.  He specified that they should just call it an amendment to the Health Care bill, or something…but just get it done.

An alternate remedy was to duct tape his pie hole shut with 6 wraps around his head.  But staffers couldn’t locate enough duct tape to accomplish the needed sound-proof seal.

The Vice President supposedly has been humbled by the whole experience.  But insiders say that he is busy learning sign language to get around the official restriction, and still satisfy his addiction to mindless blabbering.  Experts in sign language say that it may take quite a while before the VP is adept enough to make stupid statements in sign language, and by that time, he will probably be gone.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were really true.