bizarreville

Disproving another adage, Bizarreville is now offering a Free Lunch from 12 noon to 1:00 pm Monday through Friday.  It is being done with no adverse impact to current taxpayers, and no strings attached.  It is totally free, and open to anyone and everyone who wants or needs a lunch.

Free Lunch will be available at the former home of Shanky’s Bar-B-Q, the originators of the baby back donkey ribs and the cabbage-flavored barbeque sauce.  Shanky’s, as most know, went belly-up after the alleged food poisoning epidemic and associated lawsuits.

One word of caution for the lunch freeloaders who might be tempted to take advantage of this enticing opportunity.  The bill of fare consists of a variety of pre-digested, processed, and freshly scooped dog food…somewhat watery in texture and pungent to the nose.  It is not particularly appetizing, but it is free, and free in basically unlimited quantities.  Free Lunch also solves a perplexing environmental problem…but that is the subject of another story.

Free Lunch is brought to you by your friends on the Liberal Left, who believe that quantity is more important than quality, and that everyone has an inalienable right to the pursuit of food.  Free Lunch will be funded by the future, not-yet-conceived grandchildren of Bizarreville taxpayers.  Thank you letters have been written, and will be sent/opened when the babies are born and become old enough to read.  When the kids reach 21 years of age, they will receive the invoice.

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD…”

This, of course was a brief snippet from a speech made by Harry Reid on March 5th, after seeing the most recent jobless claims data.  Many people have heard this quote and concluded that Harry is totally out of touch.  But too often sound bites can be taken out of context and misconstrued.  So, in order to better understand the meaning and emotion he was trying to convey, we present the full speech below:

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD.  Sure it would have been better for our Party and the Liberal/Progressive movement if the number was more like 136 thousand job losses.  But we can’t be greedy, and I ask my colleagues to take comfort that jobs are continuing to disappear, and what few are left are being swallowed up by illegal Mexicans.  Data clearly shows that more and more people are sucking on the government entitlement bosom than ever before.  Millions and millions more.  Don’t believe that 9.7 percent unemployment number.  The real number is 17 percent.  That’s right, 17 percent.  Believe it.  We’re on our way to posting 20’s.

“Right now the Senate is debating a new “Jobs” bill.  But fear not, my comrades, it’s only meant to add jobs in a parallel universe to our own…with anti-matter people drilling for anti-matter energy in dry wells.  That’s the kind of virtual jobs we will be talking about…job fiction.  But we must name it a Jobs bill to create the proper illusion and misdirection to fool the idiots out there.  We will use the buzzwords to make voters think we’re creating jobs, while at the same time using the old sleight of hand trick to dump a few trillion in cash into the bottomless abyss to do absolutely, positively no good for nobody. Presto!   Ooooh, I’m getting shivers up my leg just thinking about it!

“So do not fear.  Do not pay attention to the trash talk and mis-characterizations that suggest we are nuzzling up with Republicans, Freedom Lovers, Tea Baggers, or other Capitalistas.  Ain’t happening, won’t happen.  I know I’ve lied to you before, but you have got to believe me on this one.  I promise on a stack of Communist Manifestos that I am true to our movement.

“But we all must stay diligent to the effort to bring down capitalism.  We must all work together to push the National Debt to astronomical levels, so that the evil Financial institutions start to crumble.  We must pass more outrageous regulations and taxes to drive those nasty industrialists to bankruptcy, so we can nationalize them just like we did at GM.  People said we couldn’t take down a huge company like GM, naysayers gave us little hope…but we showed them all that it could be done.  But remember, one big filthy auto company and a couple bloated banks here and there are not enough.  There’s still huge food/beverage businesses, computer/information technology industries, and diaper businesses that are ripe for the taking….no pun intended.  So, do your part to bring them down, one by one, quarterly disappointment by quarterly disappointment, greedy bastard by greedy bastard.

“Together, we can make change…change that you and I can believe…..wait, wait…are those cameras rolling?  Oh crap…Cut!  Cut!!  Shut those  f#*%r$  off, you  A$$#*!es!!  Oh geez….

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Doctors across Bizarreville were surprised and shocked that the AMA came out in favor of Obamacare.  They asked how can this be true when 90% of doctors are totally opposed to this belligerent, radical takeover of the Health Care industry?  Many doctors are claiming they will retire when/if this nightmare comes true.  They are puzzled that the AMA somehow “doesn’t get it”, or has chosen to flip the bird to the people they represent.

The truth behind this story has been discovered.  Our investigative reporters have dug deep into the bowels of this issue, and found the facts.  Turns out, the members of the AMA Leadership Council were held up at gunpoint several weeks ago, while taking a casual stroll along the Potomac.  A masked man wearing an “Obama loves me” wife-beater shirt and smelling like a Liberal accosted them, threatening to take their $75 million funding away if they didn’t play ball.  One of the leaders became outraged and screamed ‘No way, Jose’….and he was promptly shot.  Luckily the assailant’s gun was a squirt gun, and he was shot with 12 ounces of horse piss.  But it ruined his suit, and the event was enough to terrorize the other wimpified AMA Leaders into blubbering a tacit acceptance of the gunman’s demands.

Even the sprayed doctor agreed to play ball after considering that the Obamacare thug might visit his personal home and spray his whole family, his Beemer, and his cigar humidor.  “You think it’s funny,” the sprayee cried.  “But let me tell you, that horse piss is nasty stuff and hard to wash off.  I can still smell it on that suit…had it dry cleaned twice and it still wreaks like formeldehyde or monofrodian moxolate….ugghhh!  Probably will have to give it to Goodwill.”

Many doctors across the land have pledged to drop their horse piss-tainted AMA membership in response to this weak-kneedness to stand up and fight for them.  “Hey, I’ll buy the doc a freaking suit,” one doctor yelled in anger.  When asked if he would be willing to buy the guy’s Beemer, however, he responded, “Probably not.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Check out the next installment of Simpli-tax, the series —–>

Last year, the President and his team had built an ugly junky car out of spare and scavenged parts from the worst cars in automotive history:  the Edsel, the AMC Pacer, the Plymouth Horizon, the Chevette, and many more.  The result?  Not only is it ugly, but it represents a compilation of the worst engineered components in modern auto history with a fuel tank ready to explode, window cranks that fall off, an air conditioning system that smells like Pittsburgh Steeler armpits, and body panel fit and finish only Rube Goldberg could love.  It is a genuine piece of unadulterated  $#!t.

But now, he is trying to sell it at a special White House car auction.  The bidders are not allowed to see the  $#!t-mobile, but can only base judgements on his verbal descriptions of the car, apply the “lying freaking politician” adjustment factor, then ultimately decide on whether to bid or not.  Most sensible enthusiasts have told him to fly the fabled kite…but there are some patsy-types that have indicated their pseudo-desire to participate.

The President has decided to be his own pitchman, and has gotten blanket media coverage pitching what he claims are the 3 important aspects of the new Obamamobile:

• First, it is the most reliable car of all time.  It has been specifically over-designed, over-developed, over-built, and over-tested to make sure it won’t fall apart on a lonely road.  Money has been no object in making a masterwork that cannot be bent or broken even when severely abused by Republican cowboys.  It is chock full of iron, gussets, torque arms, cross-frames, and fiddle flammers.
• Second, it is a style-setting classic, reminiscent of the 1940’s Packard Clipper, the 1950’s Studebaker Conestoga, the 1960’s Rambler Ambassador, or the Checker Taxicabs still in use today, and a design that Andy Warhol would have been proud of.  It will deliver the oooohs and aaaahs, when driven through your neighborhoods, as people smirk, snicker, smile, and point as you drive by.
• Third, it is a one of a kind investment that will escalate in value.  It is a much better than some quirky mutual fund recommended by a stockbroker whose performance has never beat an index fund, a bank CD that has to go to 4 decimal points before you get to a number other than zero, or a chunk of gold being hawked by G. Gordon Liddy.  It is a real hard asset that will rise exponentially in value as collectors clamor to buy it away from you.

It is not clear what may or may not happen once the “lucky” bidder sees his newly acquired treasure for the first time.  But an extra patrol of armed Secret Service agents will be on hand in case there is some unruliness after he realizes he’s been buffaloed…and will then escort him to the parking lot to help him into his new dreamboat.

Insiders indicate that the President is partly conflicted with his strong desire to unload this piece of crap on one hand, while feeling guilty of the unsavory process on the other hand.  But in the end, he rationalizes, the buyer will eventually get over it.  “People move on.  You can’t dwell on things forever.” 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Progressive Democratic leaders have now begun taking reservations for spots underneath the Obamacare Bus.  The prime spots are expected to go fast, but the slots under the crushing weight of the bus tires will be held aside for those congressmen with the hardest heads and/or pre-existing brain damage. 

The king of hard heads, Harry Reid, has a special reservation under the front wheels, paid for by the President himself.  “Bring it on, baby,” Reid said.  “Bring on the Big Foot Bus, I don’t care….I’m ready and willing.”  Doctors have pointed out that Reid suffers from a variety of brain maladies already, and no additional head trauma could make him much worse.

The parade line for the bus crush had lengthened as the current health care poll results were released over the weekend.  Now 75% of citizens want the gimmick-ridden Obamacare program stopped or started over.  But one congressperson had said that she had just talked to one old woman in Syracuse who encouraged her to stay the course.  She cited that her best friend’s 3rd cousin’s housekeeper who smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day died from lung cancer because she couldn’t get quick treatment for her black lung.  The congressperson claims that was enough to convince her to keep the fight for Obamacare to the bitter end…”irrespective of your fudged poll numbers suggesting people think the whole program is lame.”

Liberal inner circle members of Obama’s staff have continued to load more and more sandbags onto the Obamacare wagon.  But they claim the way the Obamacare bus suspension is designed, no extra weight is being actually transferred to the tires and wheels.  One senator questioned the logic of that statement, but was promptly told to shut up, and slide under the bus, or he would find himself losing in his own primary.

Many blue dogs sense that their end is near, but are hoping against hope that some magic dust will be scarfed up by their Leaders that will prevent them from being crushed by the bus’ 12,000- pound weight.  They have been led astray before.  They have been led to believe in the Tooth Fairy, the caped crusader, and Wilma Flintstone by their “inspired” leaders in the past, only to find out much later that feet-propelled cars are totally impractical…and the TF pays absolutely nothing for broken dentures under pillows.

The bus crushing could get gruesome, but many could conceivably survive.  Skull structure experts warn all audience viewers that they should not try this at home.  They point out that these people are professional hard heads with extra skull thickness, allowing them to resist pressure more than most normal humans.  “Do not throw yourself or your buddy under such a bus unless you are one of these bonefide hard heads.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty real.

In a move that will have old Tom Jefferson turning in his grave, the US government inked a deal to sell the state of Idaho to China.  The move was brought about from increasing pressure by the Chinese on the out-of-control US National debt, mostly being funded by China.  Chinese finance ministers indicated they were tired of accepting the flimsy US dollar as the sole form of asset transfer, and wanted to branch into something a tad more solid.

Negotiations had been underway for several months.  China had originally asked to buy Florida, while the US countered with New Mexico.  When one member of the Chinese due diligence delegation got bit by a sidewinder while on a New Mexico trip, they became furious.  The US delegation desperately tried to point out the rich natural beauty with amazing rock formations, but the Chinese team leader said, “It’s a freaking desert,  a$$#ole.”  Both sides finally settled on Idaho.

The decision was not without controversy.  Lobbyists for the fast food industry argued that Idaho’s potato industry is absolutely critical in the junk food supply chain.  “Without Idaho, the McDonald’s french fry that you’ve grown to love and cherish will be pooof, gone.  Better get used to the idea of ordering fried rice with your burger.”

A letter has gone out to all Idaho residents from the Chinese government stating that they will provide help and support during the transition, and allow them a full 12 months to move out of the state.  An extra 3 months will be granted for citizens who are hospitalized, debilitated, or severely handicapped.  Montana has offered assylum for the displaced Tatermongers.

One question still unresolved is whether Chinese Americans would be able to stay in Idaho.  China has proposed that they could each be interviewed, and if their belief system has not been totally brainwashed by capitalism concepts, then they would be permitted to remain in Idaho.  “But the first time they start doing any of that free speech crap, or blabber about making money, whoooosh, out they go,” the transition minister said.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Introducing an exciting new product from your friends at Bumco Products Inc:  The “Progressive” short leash for your pooch.  It’s ideal to prevent old Rover from having too darn much freedom, and roaming through the whole yard sniffing your flowers, chasing little critters, and defecating all over tarnation.  It makes cleanup a snap.

The short leash is precisely 3 feet long and made of the sturdiest leather that will snap little Scooter’s neck if he momentarily forgets about this rein.  It comes in 6 different colors so that the dog owner can change it often to make it seem a bit different (of course, your color-blind dog will not know too much difference).  A sequined leash is available at extra cost for true style setters.

The Progressive is a bold product entry that has been extensively market tested.  Some may ask why Bumco is releasing the product when all the market research suggested it is one of the 10 stupidest ideas of all time?  The courageous leadership at Bumco World Headquarters are progressive, forward-thinkers who truly believe they are much smarter than the idiots in the research surveys and focus groups.  They plan to advertise, advertise, and then advertise a little more until people are so sick and tired of the badgering that they just go buy it.  It is certainly a bold marketing strategy that has never been successful in the history of mankind…but there is always a first time for everything, and this may just be that time.

Bumco is also in the final stages of development of an even shorter leash, measuring a mere 2 feet, 6 inches…tentatively named the “Progressive Plus”.  This product, when used with Big Dogs, will prevent them from even raising their heads up completely, but will still allow them to do normal functions like eat and piss.  Some have asked if the ultimate objective is to keep shortening until the dog’s nose is pressed up against the anchor stake…but Bumco responds, “Of course not.”

The product will initially be only offered on-line, since all the Bizarreville pet stores have expressed a reluctance to carry the Progressive line at this time.

The administration announced today that Keith Uberman, famous sports anchor-turned-leftomaniac, has been appointed to the new position of Propoganda Ministry Czar.  He will be able to keep his current position as angry commentator and socialist bureau chief at MS-NBC.

The administration spokesman said that the President has been a big fan of Uberman’s snappy, passionate, over-the-top blathermanship of the extreme liberal agenda.  They see a role for Uberman in creating a series of films, television specials, commercials, and other media delights that will better persuade the naive public to their way of thinking, the proper way of thinking.

“We have tried and tried and tried to explain to citizens the wonderful benefits of socializing medicine, nationalizing industry, sharing wealth, and taxing the piss out of anyone who earns a decent salary…but, I guess, the citizens are just too darn thick-skulled to understand it,” the spokesman said.  “But we blame ourselves for not delivering a clearer message that can be understood by people who are, quite frankly, less intelligently-endowed than us.  That’s where Uberman comes in.  He’ll take pages out of the best propogandists in world history, and apply it to the issues of today.  And to work with him, we will choose from a long list of liberal Hollywood-types to score the background music to tug those emotional strings of the viewers.”

MS-NBC did not offer much comment except to say that occasional loss of Uberman’s service is not expected to have much impact on audience share.  “We may just put a cardboard cut-out of his upper body in his seat, and have a mic’ed impersonator offstage delivering his monologue commentaries.  We’ve tested that concept with focus groups of typical MS-NBC viewers, and honestly they can’t even tell the difference.  We may try to add that Clutch Cargo lip movement special effect to help make it look even more real.”

A spokesman for Conservatives was asked to comment, and said he remembered how funny Uberman was as a sports anchor on ESPN.  When asked about his shift over to hard-left commentary, he said that they all thought he’s just been kidding… just being a deadpan sarcastic wisenheimer all this time.  “You mean he’s actually being serious with all that liberal drivvel??   Ha, ha, ha, ha…could have fooled me!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Continuing coverage of the President’s Health care summit with 5th graders.  Next up for the class is Matt Burpmore:

Q4. How can we make the Health insurance companies themselves more efficient so that insurance costs can come down for the people?

Matt:  Why are the health insurance companies inefficient now?

President:  Part of the problem, Matt, is that there’s not enough competition among the health insurance companies.  When there is less competition, companies are not quite driven to reduce costs…so costs start going up.

Matt:  I see.  Thank goodness there’s not just one company running all insurance…imagine how costs would go out of control if that ever happened!  But is there a way to get more competition going?

President:  One problem is that Health insurance companies can’t compete from one state to another, so that limits how much competition there can be.

Matt:  Why don’t you just let them go ahead and compete in other states?  Is there some reason that wouldn’t be a good idea?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  It’s like if your mom told you that you can only trade marbles with the kids on your street, but not the kids on the next street…because we don’t really know them very well, and they might try to take advantage of you.

Matt:  I don’t care if they’re on the next street.  If some kid there has a marble I like, then I’m going to trade for it.  Wouldn’t you?

President:  Yes, probably.  But there is still a problem with all these insurance companies just making too much money and getting greedy.

Matt:  Yeah, I know what you mean.  Last summer, my friend Johnnie Plunger set up a lemonade stand down the street and was charging 5 bucks for a glass of watered-down lemonade.  That was ridiculous.  He was being greedy, and I went over and told him he shouldn’t be so greedy.  He told me to…well, I better not say what he told me I could do…but I’m not sure if it’s even technically possible.  Anyway, I set up my own lemonade stand and charged 50 cents.  I had a line of customers a block long.  Twelve nano-seconds later, he dropped his price to 50 cents.

President:  Maybe there should be a government rule on the maximum price kids can charge for lemonade?  Say, no higher than a buck a glass?

Matt:  No, sir, I think that would create more confusion, because kids would just keep varying the size of the glass.  I think if you just left us kids to work it out, we’d work it out, trust me.

President:  Perhaps you’re right.  Well, kids, thank you for all your insights on health care issues.  If all of us in Washington were as smart as you, we could solve a lot more problems quicker.  But that would just put all the pundits out of a job.  Have a great day.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Continuing coverage of the President’s health care summit with a bunch of very smart 5th graders.  Laura Laxatiff responds for the class on question 3.

Q3.  Some insurance companies won’t cover what they call “pre-existing conditions”.  That means if someone has a medical problem before the company starts insuring them, the company won’t pay the bill.  What can we do about that?

Laura:  Well, if you ever had a cold, does that mean they would never cover you for colds?  Or if you had an earache before?

President:  I’m not sure, but I think it just applies to things that people have wrong with them.

Laura:  Just about every old person I know has something wrong with them.  Cindy’s mom has sore knees, Jacob’s dad takes 6 pills a day for something, Chelsea’s dad is always complaining about his sore back.

President:  If they leave one insurance company and go to another, they might not be covered for those old knees and bad back problems.

Laura:  That’s not very fair.  They should definitely be covered for whatever problem they have.  Why wouldn’t an insurance company cover them?

President:  The insurance companies are worried that people will stop paying for insurance…but then when something goes wrong, they’ll hurry up and sign up for insurance.

Laura:  Seems kind of silly to me.  Do you think that would really happen very often?

President:  No.  Probably once or twice in a blue moon.

Laura:  Then why are they so worried about it if it would hardly ever happen very much?

President:  It’s complicated.  I personally think they’re just trying to get out of paying for different things.

Laura:  Yeah, I know.  My friend Marty Mopeburger is always tring to get out of work his mom tells him to do.  Even easy stuff like taking out the garbage.  He’ll do all kinds of stuff to get out of taking out the garbage, when it would be so much easier to just do it and get it over with.  He’s a pretty weird kid.

President:  So you think we should tell them to just cover pre-existing conditions?

Laura:  Yeah.  Some people are sick, some aren’t.  If you try to get too picky on stuff, it will drive you nuts.  They should all just say:  “Come on, join us.  We’ll take care of you.”  Stop trying to be so weird about little meaningless stuff.

President:  How should we go about tell them to do it?

Laura:  I’d say just tell them to do it and that’s final.  That’s what my mom tells me when she wants me to do something.  If she’s allowed to do it, I guess you’re allowed to do it, too.

 (to be continued)

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Continuing coverage from the Health Care Summit between the President and a group of very smart 5th graders.  The next respondent for the class was Rudy Dinglewonk, who took on question two:

Q2.  How can we get insurance for the 30 million people who do not have health insurance?

Rudy:  Well, sir, why exactly don’t these people have insurance?  All the families I know on my block have insurance.  Jimmy Shmellboink had to go to the doctor last week when he sprained his ankle playing Curling on the ice.  His mom told my mom that they had insurance.  If all those millions of people want insurance, why don’t they just go get it?

President:  Well, Rudy, some people are poor and can’t afford to buy insurance.

Rudy:  Why can’t we help the poor people and give them insurance?

President:  We do that already with a program called Medicaid.  It’s a government-run program that helps poor people get health care.

Rudy:  So then if you have Medicaid, why don’t those people just use that?

President:  Well, some people make too much money to be on Medicaid.

Rudy:  If they make too much money, then why don’t they just go buy insurance?

President:  They say they can’t afford it, with all the other expenses and bills that they have to pay for.

Rudy:  Like what kind of expenses and bills?  Is it food, or is it other stuff?

President:  No, they can afford food and other basic necessities.  But with other expenses like cable TV bills, cigarettes, Wii machines, soccer uniforms, Nike Air Jordan shoes, dinners out at Chuck E. Cheese, birthday parties and such…puts a lot of strain on their budgets.  They say that they don’t have any extra money for health insurance.

Rudy:  Couldn’t you just give them some kind of Discount Coupon to help them, so they could go get insurance?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We could expand Medicaid, but unfortunately that’s a pretty inefficient, cumbersome, disorganized, bureaucratic nightmare program already.  Expanding it might make it even more screwed up.

Rudy:  Why don’t you just cancel it if it’s not that good…and go with something that is good?  I know.  I used to buy SuperSlump comics last year, but they started getting real boring, and now I buy AstroClod.  It’s a lot better, and pretty funny, too.

President:  Hey maybe we need an AstroClod makeover in our Medicaid program, Rudy.

Rudy:  I’d say go with something that works.  Don’t try to fix something that’s totally broken.  My little brother tried to fix his bike after it got run over by a pickup truck.  Man, that was a waste of effort.  He kept falling down and busting his head.  Dad finally bought him a new bike for Christmas and we threw that old piece of junk in the garbage can.

President:  Maybe your “Discount Coupon” idea could work.  I suppose we could just apply it to our existing Health insurance companies, and throw Medicaid in the garbage with your brother’s bike.  The insurance companies are not perfect, but you know, overall they work pretty well.

Rudy:  Yeah.  My bike’s not perfect, but I like it.  I wouldn’t want to throw it away.

President:  Let’s move on to question three…

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.