bizarreville

Last year, the President and his team had built an ugly junky car out of spare and scavenged parts from the worst cars in automotive history:  the Edsel, the AMC Pacer, the Plymouth Horizon, the Chevette, and many more.  The result?  Not only is it ugly, but it represents a compilation of the worst engineered components in modern auto history with a fuel tank ready to explode, window cranks that fall off, an air conditioning system that smells like Pittsburgh Steeler armpits, and body panel fit and finish only Rube Goldberg could love.  It is a genuine piece of unadulterated  $#!t.

But now, he is trying to sell it at a special White House car auction.  The bidders are not allowed to see the  $#!t-mobile, but can only base judgements on his verbal descriptions of the car, apply the “lying freaking politician” adjustment factor, then ultimately decide on whether to bid or not.  Most sensible enthusiasts have told him to fly the fabled kite…but there are some patsy-types that have indicated their pseudo-desire to participate.

The President has decided to be his own pitchman, and has gotten blanket media coverage pitching what he claims are the 3 important aspects of the new Obamamobile:

• First, it is the most reliable car of all time.  It has been specifically over-designed, over-developed, over-built, and over-tested to make sure it won’t fall apart on a lonely road.  Money has been no object in making a masterwork that cannot be bent or broken even when severely abused by Republican cowboys.  It is chock full of iron, gussets, torque arms, cross-frames, and fiddle flammers.
• Second, it is a style-setting classic, reminiscent of the 1940’s Packard Clipper, the 1950’s Studebaker Conestoga, the 1960’s Rambler Ambassador, or the Checker Taxicabs still in use today, and a design that Andy Warhol would have been proud of.  It will deliver the oooohs and aaaahs, when driven through your neighborhoods, as people smirk, snicker, smile, and point as you drive by.
• Third, it is a one of a kind investment that will escalate in value.  It is a much better than some quirky mutual fund recommended by a stockbroker whose performance has never beat an index fund, a bank CD that has to go to 4 decimal points before you get to a number other than zero, or a chunk of gold being hawked by G. Gordon Liddy.  It is a real hard asset that will rise exponentially in value as collectors clamor to buy it away from you.

It is not clear what may or may not happen once the “lucky” bidder sees his newly acquired treasure for the first time.  But an extra patrol of armed Secret Service agents will be on hand in case there is some unruliness after he realizes he’s been buffaloed…and will then escort him to the parking lot to help him into his new dreamboat.

Insiders indicate that the President is partly conflicted with his strong desire to unload this piece of crap on one hand, while feeling guilty of the unsavory process on the other hand.  But in the end, he rationalizes, the buyer will eventually get over it.  “People move on.  You can’t dwell on things forever.” 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Progressive Democratic leaders have now begun taking reservations for spots underneath the Obamacare Bus.  The prime spots are expected to go fast, but the slots under the crushing weight of the bus tires will be held aside for those congressmen with the hardest heads and/or pre-existing brain damage. 

The king of hard heads, Harry Reid, has a special reservation under the front wheels, paid for by the President himself.  “Bring it on, baby,” Reid said.  “Bring on the Big Foot Bus, I don’t care….I’m ready and willing.”  Doctors have pointed out that Reid suffers from a variety of brain maladies already, and no additional head trauma could make him much worse.

The parade line for the bus crush had lengthened as the current health care poll results were released over the weekend.  Now 75% of citizens want the gimmick-ridden Obamacare program stopped or started over.  But one congressperson had said that she had just talked to one old woman in Syracuse who encouraged her to stay the course.  She cited that her best friend’s 3rd cousin’s housekeeper who smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day died from lung cancer because she couldn’t get quick treatment for her black lung.  The congressperson claims that was enough to convince her to keep the fight for Obamacare to the bitter end…”irrespective of your fudged poll numbers suggesting people think the whole program is lame.”

Liberal inner circle members of Obama’s staff have continued to load more and more sandbags onto the Obamacare wagon.  But they claim the way the Obamacare bus suspension is designed, no extra weight is being actually transferred to the tires and wheels.  One senator questioned the logic of that statement, but was promptly told to shut up, and slide under the bus, or he would find himself losing in his own primary.

Many blue dogs sense that their end is near, but are hoping against hope that some magic dust will be scarfed up by their Leaders that will prevent them from being crushed by the bus’ 12,000- pound weight.  They have been led astray before.  They have been led to believe in the Tooth Fairy, the caped crusader, and Wilma Flintstone by their “inspired” leaders in the past, only to find out much later that feet-propelled cars are totally impractical…and the TF pays absolutely nothing for broken dentures under pillows.

The bus crushing could get gruesome, but many could conceivably survive.  Skull structure experts warn all audience viewers that they should not try this at home.  They point out that these people are professional hard heads with extra skull thickness, allowing them to resist pressure more than most normal humans.  “Do not throw yourself or your buddy under such a bus unless you are one of these bonefide hard heads.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem pretty real.

In a move that will have old Tom Jefferson turning in his grave, the US government inked a deal to sell the state of Idaho to China.  The move was brought about from increasing pressure by the Chinese on the out-of-control US National debt, mostly being funded by China.  Chinese finance ministers indicated they were tired of accepting the flimsy US dollar as the sole form of asset transfer, and wanted to branch into something a tad more solid.

Negotiations had been underway for several months.  China had originally asked to buy Florida, while the US countered with New Mexico.  When one member of the Chinese due diligence delegation got bit by a sidewinder while on a New Mexico trip, they became furious.  The US delegation desperately tried to point out the rich natural beauty with amazing rock formations, but the Chinese team leader said, “It’s a freaking desert,  a$$#ole.”  Both sides finally settled on Idaho.

The decision was not without controversy.  Lobbyists for the fast food industry argued that Idaho’s potato industry is absolutely critical in the junk food supply chain.  “Without Idaho, the McDonald’s french fry that you’ve grown to love and cherish will be pooof, gone.  Better get used to the idea of ordering fried rice with your burger.”

A letter has gone out to all Idaho residents from the Chinese government stating that they will provide help and support during the transition, and allow them a full 12 months to move out of the state.  An extra 3 months will be granted for citizens who are hospitalized, debilitated, or severely handicapped.  Montana has offered assylum for the displaced Tatermongers.

One question still unresolved is whether Chinese Americans would be able to stay in Idaho.  China has proposed that they could each be interviewed, and if their belief system has not been totally brainwashed by capitalism concepts, then they would be permitted to remain in Idaho.  “But the first time they start doing any of that free speech crap, or blabber about making money, whoooosh, out they go,” the transition minister said.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

Introducing an exciting new product from your friends at Bumco Products Inc:  The “Progressive” short leash for your pooch.  It’s ideal to prevent old Rover from having too darn much freedom, and roaming through the whole yard sniffing your flowers, chasing little critters, and defecating all over tarnation.  It makes cleanup a snap.

The short leash is precisely 3 feet long and made of the sturdiest leather that will snap little Scooter’s neck if he momentarily forgets about this rein.  It comes in 6 different colors so that the dog owner can change it often to make it seem a bit different (of course, your color-blind dog will not know too much difference).  A sequined leash is available at extra cost for true style setters.

The Progressive is a bold product entry that has been extensively market tested.  Some may ask why Bumco is releasing the product when all the market research suggested it is one of the 10 stupidest ideas of all time?  The courageous leadership at Bumco World Headquarters are progressive, forward-thinkers who truly believe they are much smarter than the idiots in the research surveys and focus groups.  They plan to advertise, advertise, and then advertise a little more until people are so sick and tired of the badgering that they just go buy it.  It is certainly a bold marketing strategy that has never been successful in the history of mankind…but there is always a first time for everything, and this may just be that time.

Bumco is also in the final stages of development of an even shorter leash, measuring a mere 2 feet, 6 inches…tentatively named the “Progressive Plus”.  This product, when used with Big Dogs, will prevent them from even raising their heads up completely, but will still allow them to do normal functions like eat and piss.  Some have asked if the ultimate objective is to keep shortening until the dog’s nose is pressed up against the anchor stake…but Bumco responds, “Of course not.”

The product will initially be only offered on-line, since all the Bizarreville pet stores have expressed a reluctance to carry the Progressive line at this time.