bizarreville

“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it,” Nancy Pelosi said recently in describing her intended path forward on the Obamacare bill.  Naturally, sound bites can be taken out of context and misinterpreted, so Bizarreville brings you the full speech made by Ms. Pelosi to better understand this odd-ball quote.

“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it.  Truly no one knows what’s in the bill because it keeps changing minute by minute, as we layer skanky deals, sleazy kickbacks, and other unconscionable wizardry to get reluctant lawmakers to get with the friggin program.    Honestly, no one up here knows what’s in this bill or any other bill for that matter.  It just takes too long to read the darn things.  To tell you the truth, I haven’t read a single bill since I got this gig.  Most of them are so full of legal garblety gook that I start dozing off after page one…yawn…I get sleepy even talking about it.  Got any No Doze?  Besides, I have high-paid flunkies to read this crap.  If there’s something I need to know, they’ll tell me.

“But the real point is:  it does not matter what’s in this particular bill.  Content is irrelevant.  It’s about taking over the Health care program….duhhh.  It’s a cornerstone in our revolution to get rid of the greedy private insurance companies that are making outrageous 3-percent profit margins, and get everyone and their uncle on the government dole… with the program controlled by smart people in high offices, rather than the whims of the so-called market.  Haven’t you all figured that out yet?  We’re going to be introducing the 100% Public program soon….oops, I mean public option….I keep forgetting it’s an ‘option’ (ha, ha).  We’ll turn Blue Cross into Blue Sauce by this time next year.

“But the real question is how to get this thing passed.  I’m not exactly sure how we’re going to pass the bill, but we will pass it one way or the other.  We may vote on it if we have the votes.  Or we may skip the voting process and just ‘deem’ it passed.  I like the deem approach personally.  Think I might deem myself a trip to Bermuda, or deem myeself a new 5-karat diamond ring…maybe deem myself a raise to pay for it all.  Yeah, deeming…glad we thought of it.  Deem a few Republicans to go jump off a bridge with a couple cases of tea bags in their arms.

“But listen, here’s the deal.  We’ll pass the Obamacare bill…incidently why haven’t you guys called it Pelosi-Care….I think I deserve at least partial credit for it all.  Then we’ll eventually figure out how it will work, and pass whatever bills we need to get it done.  That’s it…simple.  For the life of me, I don’t understand why everyone wants to make this thing so complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.