bizarreville

Polls suggest it’s looking like the Midterms could see significant balance-of-power changes in Bizarreville.  The Crazy Lunatic Spendaholic (CLS) party is assured to gain seats at the expense of the Doing Nothing is Better than Doing Anything (DNDA) party, although the numbers shift daily due to the wavering of the Undecided But Still Apathetic segment of the voting population.  Some Undecideds have mounted a campaign to just write-in the name of “Bill Smith” for any and all open election slots.  If Bill should win, they vow to find a Bill Smith somewhere out there to fill the job.  He may be Plumber Bill, or Grocery Store Bill, or Garbage Man Bill, but he is bound to be no worse than the incumbents, so they say.

Officials in both major parties have urged voters to not waste their votes on such a hare-brain scheme.  A survey of likely Undecided voters have said that it’s probably high time for a hare-brain like Garbage Man Bill…whoever he may be.

Disclaimer:  all stories about garbage men in Bizarreville are fiction.

With all the controversy over kneeling for the national anthem, a new protest group has emerged.  Calling themselves The Wimp Factor, out of Fizzie Village, California, they have come out and decried that the national anthem lyrics are no longer pertinent in the country today.  They say that all that business about rockets glaring and bombs bursting may be okay for all the gun-toters in the South and Midwest, but the enlightened people in our areas believe it is all very passé.

In particular, they have proposed changing the last line in the anthem, claiming that there are no longer that many “brave” people anymore, aside from people in the military and a few others.  So the country is hardly the home of the brave.  They propose:

O say does that star spangled banner go limp,

O’er the land of the free and the home of the wimp

They say that flags are usually fairly limp anyway, unless the wind is blowing strongly.  And besides, the updated anthem will recognize the millions of wimps out there, who have been ridiculed and disparaged for years…people who, themselves, have always wanted to protest the whole brave-thing, but were too scared that they might get beaten-up.

The Wimp Factor plans to take their case on the road and garner support.  They say that even if they are unsuccessful at changing the anthem, they will at least have made a statement to the world.  The group has retained the services of Bodyguards For Weaklings Inc. to prevent too many butt-beatings in the heartland.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, until they become real.

Bizarreville Lovers,

We have just released our latest book, and it is one of our best.  Bad Boss is a hilarious, quirky story, written as the diary of Sherman Flunknerd, a bad boss of legendary stature, as he navigates his first few weeks on his new job to transform his plant at Toxoid Chemical Company.  Sherman, of course, thinks he is a good boss, and the rest of the bosses of the world suck.  You will laugh and enjoy reading the complexities of this fellow as he tries to establish a new level of accountability with his troops…then must deal with a bizarre personal ailment which impacts his approach to the job.  You will love it.  Give it as a gift to a friend who needs a pick-me-up.  Click on the Book Cover on the right to buy it on Amazon.

Tensions continue to rise as tariff rhetoric escalates, and the timetables approach.  Rather than back down, the President seems to be ratcheting up the tweats, calling for a trade war, apparently.  The entire NAFTA agreement could be up for grabs.  A recent meeting with the Prime Minister of Canada broke down when the Canadian leader started singing, “American Woman, get away from me,” a song from the early 1970’s.  A spokesperson representing American women later said that would be no problem, fella.

Meanwhile, however, Gift Shops across the land fear that any trade war with China could decimate their sources of cheap trinkets and chintzy souvenirs.  “We do not have any good options at this point,” said the Chairperson of Gift Association of Bizarreville.  “We may be forced to selling good stuff at higher prices…if we can find anybody that still makes artsy crafty gadgets.  May have to check some Senior Living residences.”

Many people still hope that the trade negotiations will be resolved, so that announced tariffs on soybeans, maple syrup, strawberry jam, chicken incubators, bowling machines, and saran wrap will go away, and allow Wall Street to breathe a sigh of relief.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even if you wish they were true.

The recent announcement that the U.S. will put a 50 percent tariff on socks imported from China has put the country into an unexpected predicament.  Citizens were expecting some sort of retaliation but were not anticipating that Chinese manufacturers would simply stop all sock production.  Egads.

In almost no time, this created a nationwide sock shortage and ensuing crisis.  People are now having to wear their socks for 3, 4, sometimes 5 days in row.  Some have resorted to rolling deodorant on the bottoms of their feet to help combat the stench, while others are going sock-commando and dealing with the ensuing blisters.  Many Hollywooders, who had already stopped wearing socks with their suits at Award shows, have said they may start wearing socks, as a means of protest.

The U.S. is considering banning the impact of Fortune Cookies as further retaliation, which would, of course, cripple the Chinese food takeout business in America.  Restaurant owners have said that people here will not patronize, if the cookies are not included in the bag.  The Chinese spokesman has responded by saying, “Fine, let them eat gyros.”

As the rhetoric continues to heat up, both sides are hoping that negotiations can quickly resolve the problems before wontons hit the fan, or the production curtailments extend to tighty-whities.  That latter fear alone has convinced negotiators that their opponents plan to play hard ball.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least so far.

Bizarreville Toys and Timewasters announced today that they have stopped selling toy guns, toy knives, and toy slingshots at their store in Bizarreville.  This is in wake of the recent incidents of violence at schools.  Ray Shlonker, the store’s general manager, said it’s a small step but an important leap in order to “do something”.  He hopes that the rest of the town will take this kind of initiative to do something, as well.

Some kids have voiced their disappointment in this action, noting that birthdays will not be the same without toy weapons in the mix of possible surprises at gift-opening time.

“You realize,” explained little Billy Smith, “that no massacres have ever happened by any little kid wielding a Lone Ranger toy rifle or a plastic Billy the Kid squirt pistol?  This is going to end our funnest games:  cops and robbers, cowboys and injuns, Martians against Earthlings, drug dealers versus other drug dealers.  If they have to do something, why can’t they do something else?”

The jury is still out on what other irrelevant things that Bizarreville leaders will try, in order to claim that can/will Do Something.  Some have suggested they ought to just lock up people who have gone nuts.  Prison authorities say there is not enough room in the prison universe to house all the nutbags…unless they stack-up about 17 bags per cell.  They say that the convicted murderers, in particular, get antsy when packed that tight.

The “Do Something” debate will go on…meanwhile Teddy Bears are on sale at Bizarreville Toys and Timewasters, and are expected to be a big hit.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.