July 9th, 2019
Angriest Person in America
Elizabeth Warren was just nominated for the 2019 Angriest Person in America award by the National Crab Ass Society (NCAS). This distinction comes on the heels of her angry tirades at the recent Democratic Candidate debate, where she went off the deep end denouncing free enterprise, sniping at all corporations, viciously attacking health care providers, and showing intense hatred toward any/all individuals who have ever achieved some modicum of success in their lives. Her rants were cheered by the debate audience members, most of whom were crabby, card-carrying members of the NCAS. Some audience members commented later, however, that some of her angry remarks were a bit over-the-top, making her look like she was just pretending to be super-angry for the cameras. Her staff members said No, she is sincerely a raging maniac, embittered by the lack of pleasures in life, and transfixed on politically destroying any remaining happy campers left in the country. She believes if she can win the Presidency, she can level the playing field by turning all the happy winners into angry losers.
One reporter asked if she turns the winners into losers, wouldn’t the losers turn into uber-losers? She responded that there is not all that much stratification in the loser classification, so it would not really matter that much…losers are losers are losers.
Her angry assault in a recent Senate Banking Committee meeting aimed at Wells Fargo CEO Stumpf, ultimately forcing him to get tossed out of his job, had won her additional points with the NCAS Nominating Committee. “She’s consistent in her shouts, screams, and blaring negativism about everything in the country,” commented a NCAS spokesperson. “And her anger is not just for anger’s sake…it gets the job done. You’ve got to respect that.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but we are still wishing some may come true.
