bizarreville

The Bizarreville Town Council was disappointed that their Olympic hopeful in the ski jump competition at PyeongChang placed only 38th overall, well out of medal contention.  Elroy Lunchner, who had been considered a shoe-in for the Bronze, failed to get much aero-lift in his launch, resulting in a jump of only 39 meters.  He beat out two Latvian jumpers, who both crashed on takeoff and got tangled in the snow fences.

Lunchner claimed there was meddling by the Russians, contributing to his pathetic performance and total failure.  He said that he had received social media messages supposedly on the newest-fangled ski jumping techniques, which turned out to be totally bogus.  He sobbed that he should have known better when they suggested to turn your skis around backwards for less wind resistance, and wear a loose-fitting ski jacket that would act like a hot air balloon to provide additional lift.

On a brighter note, there were almost no Bizarreville citizens watching the action on TV anyway.  The Olympics had gotten so darn boring with the endless coverage of excruciating cross-country skiing, flippety-flopping snow boarders, figure skating rump-outs, and insomniac-curing curling competitions, that most citizens simply turned their channels to The Bachelor Winter Games faux-counterpart.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are still fictional, except the boring Olympics part.

As we prepare for St Patrick’s Day, a day to celebrate the glories of inebriation, hijinks, and hilarity, consider giving LAME DUCK as a gift to a friend or colleague.  It is a wildly funny satirical novel of 3 friends…the President, a renowned doctor, and a corporate CEO…as they are coasting into retirement, until a crisis spoils their sluff-off plans.  You’ll like it.  Great with beer (green or otherwise).  Click on the book cover on the right to link to Amazon, and thanks for your support of Bizarreville.

Reports have come in that the increasingly narrowing group of malcontents, affectionately known as The Unknown Democrats, have gone into hiding.  These people, who are professed Trump-haters, are experiencing psychological trauma brought about by the booming US economy, skyrocketing stock market, record low unemployment levels, strength abroad, and generally positive levels of confidence in the future.  The hard core element still believes that a Melt Down is right around the corner, but many of their former loyal followers are telling them to piss off.

Some of the leaders of The Unknown Democrats have gone to putting bags over their heads, with narrow eyeholes and frowny faces cut into the bags.  The disguises are to mask the big smiles on their real faces from reaping 30-plus percent gains in their 401K’s and personal stock portfolios, and an employment playing field that has allowed their previously moochy kids to get actual jobs that pay.  In some cases, their tears of joy have soaked through the paper.  Not to worry…they conveniently explain that these are tears of sadness because of Trump’s stubborn insistence on keeping Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison open.

One challenge they are facing is a shortage of brown bags.  With so many supermarkets moving to plastic bags, and states like California legislating basically the elimination of bags in supermarkets, paper bag producers have scaled way back.  The thought of using plastic bags over their heads is reportedly being called “repugnant” by senior UD officials.  Other, environmentally-friendly head coverings are being investigated, including a material made entirely out of kale.  Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but sure sound like they could be real.

It appears Congress is finally getting close to a bipartisanship agreement on changes to the HealthCare program.  Squabbling back and forth over many months was getting nowhere…that is, until a junior senator from Bizarreville devised a workable solution.

Affectionately known as HealthCare SmelthCare (HCSC), the new program would add new, unprecedented levels of freedom and flexibility.  No longer would there be incredible amounts of forms to be filled out, or pre-screenings to determine if a procedure would be covered or not.  Set fees would be a thing of the past.  Coverage across state lines or county lines would no longer be an issue.  The Medicare/Medicaid financial crisis?  History.  It all seemed to good to be true.  The beauty is in its sheer simplicity.

HCSC would go something like this:  First, all people would have access to on-line Health Information sites to self-diagnose and self-treat your illness or medical condition, completely free.  Called “Virtual Mama”, it will contain old tried and true methods to deal with maladies of all sorts, usually ending up prescribing taking 2 aspirins and going straight to bed.  Next, if you have got to go to a doctor, you go, and when you’re done, you pay cash.  If you think you have to go to the hospital, you rethink it, then go back on-line to figure out how to treat your problem yourself…otherwise, get your wallet out.  Simple.

There would be a few Critical Treatment Hospitals (CTH) for things like cancer, which require specialized treatment and equipment.  These would be fully funded by the billionaire bastards who have all been able to richly benefit from virtues of the free enterprise system.  Rich Hollywood superstars would be asked to donate at even higher rates, since their hearts have always been especially bleeding.  Those refusing to pony up would be subject to mass adverse publicity via social media, automatically generating boycotts of their brand, due to their blatant inhumanity.  Rich sports figures would not be allowed any product endorsement deals until they built CTH hospital wings in their names.

Drug companies would have a 2-year window on their ultra-expensive, newly concocted super-drugs before the generic guys could sweep in and have total access.  Price gouging would be grounds for criminal prosecution.  FDA pre-testing and certification would be eliminated, replaced with Buyer Beware warning labels.

The elegance of the HCSC program is that it appeals to everyone.  The side of the aisle favoring Health Care fairness, no ridiculous penalties, and taxing the hell out of the rich is fully satisfied.  The other side who wants minimal bureaucracy, minimal governmental control, minimal government overhead, and freedom to choose is fully satisfied.  Something for everyone.  Costs will be reduced because, with fewer doctors needed, there will be increased competition among these guys wanting to fill up their empty waiting rooms.

Still, there are a few skeptics who say:  Wait a minute, there’s something about this that stinks pretty bad.  In time, it is believed that these naysayers will be told to shut up, unless they can figure out something else that is better than HCSC.  Insurance company spokespeople argue that this law will decimate their business…but their opponents have responded:  What’s your point?

Senator Irving Smelth, who initiated the HealthCare SmelthCare bill also has a tax proposal under development.  That initiative is called Wealth Smelth.  Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, at least for now.

The new Trump tax bill has been signed, sealed, and delivered, and has raised a ruckus, as expected.  What was not expected was that it raised ire with the Association of People Making Too Much Money (APMTMM), which includes many high brow Hollywood actors and a smattering of liberal-minded business CEO’s, apparently unhappy with the cuts in the highest tax brackets.  The Association has gone on record saying that it would have preferred much larger tax cuts in the lowest tax brackets.

This initially came as a surprise to most Hollywood tabloid reporters.  However, they quickly rationalized it as typical liberal guilt-complex attitudes for raking in millions as they watched movie ticket prices skyrocket in recent years to pay for their extravagant compensation demands.

One tabloid financial reporter, who incidentally was packing an impressive 8th grade math level education in his tool belt, noted that the reason these prima donnas support lower low-end rates is purely self-interest.  Their high-paid accountants have found considerable loopholes and squirrelly deduction schemes which have decreased their “adjusted income” and somehow managed to put them in the low-income tax brackets.

Someone argued that the Trump plan will close many of these loopholes, but the astute reporter replied that there will always be little tricks, gimmicks, and dodges buried in the law that few know about, no matter what law goes into effect.  The politicians will insist on it.  After all, they are professional dodgers, too.

Disclaimer:  the stuff in Bizarreville is largely fiction until proven otherwise.

Officials are reporting that a number of major metropolitan centers are experiencing flooding at unprecedented levels.  Meteorologists are baffled by this predicament since none of these cities have any significant precipitation in the past several weeks, nor have there been any unusual weather patterns that could have caused such flooding.  Scientists who are experts in hydrology have been brought into the crisis, but are scratching their hairless heads to understand the phenomenon.

Yesterday, one researcher on the ground in New York City believes he has found the answer.  The source of the water appears to be the millions of Democrats and Hillary-supporters who are crying literally oceans of tears for having lost the recent election.  In Manhattan, they have brought in extra towels and crates of facial tissue to try and mop up the tears, but the volume has far exceeded the absorption rate, and the problem continues to worsen as the Electoral College vote nears.

“I believe they should warn citizens to find high ground, avoid major thoroughfares which could turn into destructive white water rapids, at least until after the Inauguration,” suggested the Researcher.  “There is no guarantee that it will be much better after the Inauguration, but with the possibility of some of the biggest criers claiming to want to leave the country, the conditions could at least stabilize somewhat.”

Democrat leaders have discounted the Researcher claims, and believe that the flooding has been caused by the Russians hacking into the sewage treatment flow control systems.  There has been no evidence of this, but Democrats say that they have never needed facts to prove their case in the past.  “Anyone with half a brain could see this is a Russian conspiracy,” a  Democrat official was heard saying.  A rival in the crowd pointed out that the speaker spoke from authority, since he undoubtedly fit that brain-size category.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, or so they say.

As the 2 candidates get ready for their first head-to-head debate, pundits are licking their saliva glands, readying themselves to parse every phrase, every choice of word, figure out how to take it completely out of context, and dream up a creative misinterpretation of the point, while drawing a conclusion on which fringe group or groups will be offended by it.  They have hired out-of-work creative Hollywood writers out of failed sitcom TV shows by the dozens to help weave somethings out of nothings…a skill they are certainly proficient at…sparing no expense.  Fortunately, the unemployed writers come pretty cheap.  Turns out, most are also very good at making coffee and running down to the bagel shop.

At the moment, handlers for Hillary are developing contingency plans in case she passes out, or has a chow-blowing incident on stage.  “We’re not saying we think it’s going to happen,” one senior flunkie said, “but given her recent faking-not-being-sick incidents, we must be prepared for a sudden breakdown…especially when Trump starts forcing her to answer real questions…something she has not had to deal with thus far.  If she starts doing that weird fake laugh, that is a signal to be ready to move in, stat.”

Meanwhile, Donald says he does not want a lot of prep, suggesting that the audience gets bored to sleep when candidates start popping off useless facts and figures.  He said his mission is to keep people awake, and discourage them from flipping the channel to the equally boring Atlanta Falcons Monday night game.  He is thinking about tweeting football score updates while Hillary is talking, just to keep himself awake.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.

Special note to Bizarreville Nation:  Our new book is now available on Amazon.  Lame Duck is the story of 3 fellows in their last week before retirement…a corporate CEO, a renowned medical doctor, and the President of the US…who get wrapped up in a wild, whacky crisis…just as they were getting ready to hit the La-Z-Boy.  Make it a gift for a friend.

Ever since realizing his gaffes have gained him popularity at each spouting, Donald Trump has been busy hiring a staff of professional gaffe-writers to come up with new politically incorrect, insulting, and/or offensive blurbs for him to rattle off during upcoming rallies.  Most of the gaffe-writers have come from failed TV sitcoms.  But Trump has warned that a good gaffe is not the same as a bad joke…so do not use any previously failed punch lines, and pawn them off as political gaffes.  Cleverness is important.

Clearly, Mr. Trump has turned his apparent verbal fumbles into an art form, but an art form that apparently only he is able to pull off.  Others have tried, but invariably only look like nincompoops…then becoming double-nincompoops when they try to re-spin their failed artwork.

“It’s a naturally born talent,” Trump commented at a Gamblers Anonymous fundraiser in Vegas…throwing another log on the fire of whether some of his opponents are naturally born citizens or not.  “It’s like trying to teach an illegal immigrant from Cuba how to play hockey for the Calgary Flames.”  That drew hisses and boos from the crowd in the basement of Caesars.  But it was certain to gain him at least 2 poll percentage points in the Nevada Caucus, poll experts agreed.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, at least at the time of the writing.

Pundits are looking forward to the future possibility of a Hillary vs Trump debate.  Both are unafraid of looking like total a-holes in front of the public, and a televised debate could look like something out of a Jerry Springer show…maybe even with some hair-pulling and kick boxing.

The latest flap has been a barb battle over women’s issues…Trump saying he cherishes women, and Hillary saying, “Then why not me?”  Much more firework extravaganza would be anticipated in their respective drives for women’s votes during the campaigns.  Trump has flip-flopped a bit over the Right to Choose/ Right to Life issue, ultimately claiming he is in the middle somewhere…while Hillary has maintained her strong position about protecting abortions.

“I can’t help thinking about that poor depressed girl in the Dirty Dancing movie who desperately wanted an abortion so she could continue her summer dancing job, ” Hillary remarked to a crowd.  “Would it be better to let her career, her dreams, go down the drain?  Are you going to let Donald Trump make those kinds of decisions for you?  He’ll probably tell you to get a job as a waitress and shut your pie hole.”

In response, Trump just smirked.  “Hillary has a way of touching something deep inside you…deep, deep inside.  It kinda reminds me of that fellow on America’s Got Talent who calls himself The Regurgitator.  You know, I think he could win it all.  He can regurgitate a freaking billiard ball…amazing!  Someone told me he grew up in an orphanage in Scotland.  Imagine the loss to the world if he had been aborted.”

Ratings between these 2 could skyrocket in a debate.  The networks are already pre-selling advertising slots at near Super Bowl prices.  Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…at least until they become fact.

In a surprising development, Donald Trump has surged to a huge lead among Republican hopefuls in the 2016 Presidential nomination race.  Recent polls show Trump favored by 22% of likely GOP voters, over double the polling numbers of Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, and the others in the crowded field.  His performance in the recent first Republican debate was judged to be horrendous by pundits and various gallery sitters, but his numbers jumped 3 points the next day.  Political experts are shaking their heads.

Some say that his recent rise was partly attributable to pissing off different groups of people.  For example, he pledged to build an impenetrable wall at the Mexican border and would squeeze the 11 million illegal immigrants to high tail it out of Dodge before he invoked some sort of “You’re Fired” consequence to expedite matters.  He even said he would personally use his considerable persuasive skills to make the Mexicans pay  for the wall, but might allow them to retain his construction business to do the work at a special discount rate.

Trump would get tough on the Chinese for dumping their cheap products into the US, and force high tariffs on tee-shirts, crappy trinkets, and underwear.  He said he would personally go Commando, if necessary, to make the point.

He would plan to anger environmentalists by scaling back regulations and outlawing any further study of so-called global warming, or global cooling, or whatever temperature direction is being dreamed up by faux-scientists.  He would advocate a re-training program for ex-environmentalists to help them learn how to do real work.

Trump has gotten world leaders concerned by his expressing that the US needs to get tough.  He has said that they need to get rid of stupid people who are in critical leadership roles.  Some leaders are nervously worried that those comments are aimed directly at them.

It seems the more people he gets riled, the higher his poll numbers rise.

Other candidates are taking note, and are strategizing with their political consultants on how to mold their own piss-off campaigns.  They recognize that this approach is hitting a nerve with the voting public, and that means votes.  One campaign chairman, who wished to remain anonymous, said that he had his whole staff working on lists of various groups, whether they be related to physical traits, ethnicity, orientation, disorientation, or special interest, and concocting ideas that would set them off, big-time.

“The trick is not just picking the right group to anger, but picking the particular messages that will really tick them off,” said the chairman.  “Selecting a great target, but splashing them with a milky jab could backfire.  And that could mean curtains for a campaign.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  If any eventually become true, that would just be coincidence.