bizarreville

It appears Congress is finally getting close to a bipartisanship agreement on changes to the HealthCare program.  Squabbling back and forth over many months was getting nowhere…that is, until a junior senator from Bizarreville devised a workable solution.

Affectionately known as HealthCare SmelthCare (HCSC), the new program would add new, unprecedented levels of freedom and flexibility.  No longer would there be incredible amounts of forms to be filled out, or pre-screenings to determine if a procedure would be covered or not.  Set fees would be a thing of the past.  Coverage across state lines or county lines would no longer be an issue.  The Medicare/Medicaid financial crisis?  History.  It all seemed to good to be true.  The beauty is in its sheer simplicity.

HCSC would go something like this:  First, all people would have access to on-line Health Information sites to self-diagnose and self-treat your illness or medical condition, completely free.  Called “Virtual Mama”, it will contain old tried and true methods to deal with maladies of all sorts, usually ending up prescribing taking 2 aspirins and going straight to bed.  Next, if you have got to go to a doctor, you go, and when you’re done, you pay cash.  If you think you have to go to the hospital, you rethink it, then go back on-line to figure out how to treat your problem yourself…otherwise, get your wallet out.  Simple.

There would be a few Critical Treatment Hospitals (CTH) for things like cancer, which require specialized treatment and equipment.  These would be fully funded by the billionaire bastards who have all been able to richly benefit from virtues of the free enterprise system.  Rich Hollywood superstars would be asked to donate at even higher rates, since their hearts have always been especially bleeding.  Those refusing to pony up would be subject to mass adverse publicity via social media, automatically generating boycotts of their brand, due to their blatant inhumanity.  Rich sports figures would not be allowed any product endorsement deals until they built CTH hospital wings in their names.

Drug companies would have a 2-year window on their ultra-expensive, newly concocted super-drugs before the generic guys could sweep in and have total access.  Price gouging would be grounds for criminal prosecution.  FDA pre-testing and certification would be eliminated, replaced with Buyer Beware warning labels.

The elegance of the HCSC program is that it appeals to everyone.  The side of the aisle favoring Health Care fairness, no ridiculous penalties, and taxing the hell out of the rich is fully satisfied.  The other side who wants minimal bureaucracy, minimal governmental control, minimal government overhead, and freedom to choose is fully satisfied.  Something for everyone.  Costs will be reduced because, with fewer doctors needed, there will be increased competition among these guys wanting to fill up their empty waiting rooms.

Still, there are a few skeptics who say:  Wait a minute, there’s something about this that stinks pretty bad.  In time, it is believed that these naysayers will be told to shut up, unless they can figure out something else that is better than HCSC.  Insurance company spokespeople argue that this law will decimate their business…but their opponents have responded:  What’s your point?

Senator Irving Smelth, who initiated the HealthCare SmelthCare bill also has a tax proposal under development.  That initiative is called Wealth Smelth.  Stay tuned.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, at least for now.