February 1st, 2018
The Unknown Democrats
Reports have come in that the increasingly narrowing group of malcontents, affectionately known as The Unknown Democrats, have gone into hiding. These people, who are professed Trump-haters, are experiencing psychological trauma brought about by the booming US economy, skyrocketing stock market, record low unemployment levels, strength abroad, and generally positive levels of confidence in the future. The hard core element still believes that a Melt Down is right around the corner, but many of their former loyal followers are telling them to piss off.
Some of the leaders of The Unknown Democrats have gone to putting bags over their heads, with narrow eyeholes and frowny faces cut into the bags. The disguises are to mask the big smiles on their real faces from reaping 30-plus percent gains in their 401K’s and personal stock portfolios, and an employment playing field that has allowed their previously moochy kids to get actual jobs that pay. In some cases, their tears of joy have soaked through the paper. Not to worry…they conveniently explain that these are tears of sadness because of Trump’s stubborn insistence on keeping Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison open.
One challenge they are facing is a shortage of brown bags. With so many supermarkets moving to plastic bags, and states like California legislating basically the elimination of bags in supermarkets, paper bag producers have scaled way back. The thought of using plastic bags over their heads is reportedly being called “repugnant” by senior UD officials. Other, environmentally-friendly head coverings are being investigated, including a material made entirely out of kale. Stay tuned.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but sure sound like they could be real.
