bizarreville

A Conservative and a Liberal walk into a bar.  The bartender tells the Lib that he’s okay to stay, but he cannot serve any nasty, ugly, pompous Conservatives without a Court Order.  The Lib says:  Fine, order the Court a cheeseburger and a Light beer.

How many Tea Partiers does it take to change a light bulb?  Two.  One to screw in the bulb, and a second to whine about the regressive Utility power grid taxes.

Two Conservatives walk into a bar.  One asks the bartender if he has any tea for a Tea Party he would like to organize.  The bartender says: We only serve Long Island Iced Tea in here.  The Conservative says:  Let me taste that…why that’s not even tea, it’s just plain booze.   He drinks the rest, and shakes his head.  The bartender says:  Well, I’m sorry, but that’s all we have.  The two Conservatives leave, cracking up as they walk out the door.  One says: Six more bars like this and we’ll have a good buzz on.

Why did the Conservative talk show host decide not to cross the road?  So as to not look like he was being too sympathetic with the other side, and risk losing half of his fan base.

An environmentalist, a liberal economist, and a Conservative are walking along the street when they see an electric car whizzing by.  The environmentalist says:  There’s a person who is environmentally responsible, and helping avoid greenhouse gases.  The lib economist says:  There’s a person who understands that burning fossil fuel in a dirty internal combustion engine is a big money-loser in the long-term.  The Conservative just smiles and says:  I don’t think they even offer a radio option in that piece of $#!t.

Take a quick tour of The Obamanation by clicking on the “Tour Guide of The Obamanation” page tab up at the top of this page

During his recent trip to this country, the Prime Minister of Israel was given a first-class snub by the President and his staff.  Other loyalists in the President’s party joined in the snubbing which took the snub category from “first class” to “legendary”.  This was the first time in modern history that an Administration has achieved the legendary snub designation with a supposed ally.

“We are quite proud of this achievement,” spouted a spokesman for the Administration boastfully.  “It frankly took a herculean team effort to get our people properly aligned on the snub protocol in such a short period of time.  But it just shows you our commitment and resolve to accomplish things that really matter.  We said from the get-go that we would embrace our enemies, understand their plights, sympathize with their struggles, make their struggles our own…while at the same time turning our nose to friends who don’t really need our help anymore.  This snub may seem cruel on its surface, but it’s really intended to send a message that you’re okay on your own, and we don’t need your mamby-pamby, cry-baby whining around here anymore.  You see now?  It all makes sense.”

An Israeli diplomat was asked to respond, but all he could say was, “Huh??”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in case that was not obvious.

The new book has arrived, and is available at Amazon by clicking on the bizarreville button, or the bookcover on the right sidebar——–>

The Obamanation is a futurescape novel that imagines the country a few years from now led by the next generation of liberal-minded leaders who extinguish the dangerous NFL and replace it with a touch football league, who outlaw unhealthy French fries and Tootsie Rolls, find new ways to reward shirkers at the expense of workers, and drive manufacturing companies to relocate overseas…all done, of course, with appropriate doses of sarcasm, satire, and irreverence that you would expect from Bizarreville.

Get your copy now for yourself, for a friend, or an unfriend for that matter.  Hurry up before we all become Obamanons.

Yesterday, police were called to a scene on Bizarreville Boulevard where a crowd of angry geriatrics were protesting police discrimination against old people.  Some of the geezers were throwing rocks at windows, but the hurls were so weak that the rocks just meekly bounced off the glass without damage.

Protesters griped that they were constantly being harassed by cops just because of age.  One 90-year old said he was pulled over just because he was driving the wrong way down a 1-way street.  When he could not remember where he had put his drivers license or registration, he was instructed to get out of the car, then was threatened with having to go to the police station.

Others in the crowd agreed that they had been similarly harassed for piddly things like driving through a stop sign, ramming into a mailbox, or crossing over double yellow lines on high-speed highways.

“It’s profiling, plain and simple,” grunted one codger.  “Profiling.  And profiling is illegal.  And not only that, profiling is illegal.  Prorating…I mean, profaning…that is…hmmm, what was I talking about?”

One poor chap retold a story when he inadvertently wet his pants, and some of the fluid dripped onto a sidewalk.  A cop eating a damn doughnut nearby asked him to go over and stand in the grass until the dripping stopped, so that the sidewalk wouldn’t turn yellow.  Then he went back to eating his doughnut.  The old man was humiliated and outraged, and drew the ire of the rest of the protesters, many of whom had similar wetness stories that, up to now, they were reluctant to share.

Another said a cop gave him a hard time when he forgot to put on his pants before going on his morning walk along Main Street.  “I had my skivvies on.  There was nothing showing.  And yet, here was this cop deciding to pick on me for no good reason.”

One angry old man said he had gotten manhandled by a police officer just because he had mistakenly forgotten to pay his food tab at The Diner 3 or 4 times.  The cop forced him to go into the kitchen, and told him he was going to have to wash dishes…but backed-off when the old man pulled a C-note out of his wallet.  The cop refused to take it, but the old guy said it wasn’t for him…it was to pay the damn tab.  “See, there you go.  Another cop on the take.”  All the protestors nodded in agreement.

The rally broke up at 4:30, when they all said they had to leave and catch the Early Bird specials at their respective favorite eateries.  They said they would be back marching tomorrow, if nothing good was playing on TV.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but I’m guessing you already figured that out.

Be on the lookout:  The much awaited, much anticipated new book is soon to arrive:  The Obamanation, by Robert Thomas.  It is a futurescape novel that imagines what the country might be like after you-know-who’s successor takes office, featuring the same crazy satire and irreverent humor you would expect.  Should be listed on Amazon within the next day or two…still in time for a last minute stocking stuffer.

The hubbub about the NFL Washington Redskins name and mascot has recently gotten the attention of the Citizens Against Animal Cruelty Society (CAACS).  That organization has pointed out that half the teams in the NFL have animal mascot names, all of which are offensive to animal lovers throughout the land.  Bird watchers, in particular, have been vocal about the NFL’s disregard for their tender feelings, insisting that name changes be immediately implemented, or face nationwide protests.  Lovers of falcons, ravens, cardinals, seahawks, and eagles have all jumped on the band wagon, uniting with the cat family protestors and fish lovers, demanding fast action from the NFL.

The CAACS gas gone so far as to suggest alternate, more inert names that not only eliminate the unacceptable stigma of animal association, but are more representative of the unique cultures of the individual cities.  They have proposed a list of alternate team names, including the Chicago Deep Dishes, the Detroit Spare Tires, the Miami Suntan Lotions, the Atlanta Traffic Snarl, the Cincinnati Soap-on-Ropers, the Indianapolis Pits, the Carolina Moonshiners, the Denver Stoners, the Seattle Umbrellas, and the Phoenix Parch.

The initial reaction of the affected teams has been somewhat negative so far.  They insist that there have been no complaints from the affected animals, and until they hear complaints from the creatures themselves, they have no plans to make any changes.  The CAACS has countered that they have found a person who understands and can translate dolphin language, and will use him as a star witness in the lawsuit, which will inevitably arise in the near future.  The society is also on the lookout for bird translators.

The Eagles organization responded that their team name was more an analogy to U.S. currency, as opposed to the bird itself…saying that the name was derived from the fact that their is a US mint in the city of Philadelphia.  The CAACS responded, “Fine, then call your team the Philadelphia Two-bits.”

The NFL organization itself has declined comment, adopting a wait and see approach to see how the issue pans out before jumping into the fray.  One reporter asked if they should adopt a chicken as the league mascot, but the spokesman said that would just get them in deeper hot water with the CAACS Bird Division.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction and not related to reality, at least not yet.

News from Russia has just been received that the country does not intend to rebuild the Iron Curtain.  Rumors had been rampant after Russia’s annexation of part of the Ukraine, sending a shock wave across Europe.  Russian officials have tried to calm the situation, stating that such rumors are typical of western journalism malpractice.  Reporters who spread such falsehoods should be placed in front of firing squad, said one central committeeman.

Unidentified insiders have revealed, however, that there is more to the story.  True, Russia does not plan to reconstruct the iron curtain, but that is mainly because of shortages of iron ore in Siberia, as well as shortages of iron workers in the curtain fabrication business.  Sources say that Russia does, in fact, plan to rebuild a wall…but it will be made of animal carcasses, human garbage, radioactive wastes, and other hazardous materials.  Their scientists say that such a wall would have less tendency for people to want to scale it to get out of the country, and would save billions of rubles in border security manpower costs.  Leachate from the piles would be allowed to soak deep into the ground, thereby making tunneling under the wall a dangerous proposition.

Sources say that Russian leaders are looking for profound thinkers of the world to devise a clever moniker for their new wall.  Names that have been considered but rejected so far include the Stall Wall, the Stench Fence, and the Nose-hurtin’ Curtain.  They say that leaders are looking for a name that would be more Churchill-esque.

Meanwhile, satellite photos show a mounting buildup of hazardous nastiness along borders.  The crisis is getting the attention of the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Health Advanced Technologists (WHAT).  When asked by reporters what is the plan, the technologists responded, “No, WHO is the plan.”  Then, when puzzled reporters answered “I don’t know”, the Techies snickered and said “They’re on Third,” then busted out in honky, hyena-like laughter.   The WHAT techies don’t get out much.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…at least so far.

According to a White House spokesman, the President has just been enrolled in Anger Management classes starting next month.  He reluctantly agreed to do this when several members of his staff conducted an intervention session with him after a recent round of golf.  Shooting a 129 score on 16 holes before giving up on the round after hitting 4 consecutive water balls on #17 had much to do with the intervention action, but the spokesman said there was much more to it than that.

The President has expressed his anger on several recent occasions, sending red flags to staff members.  Most recently, he blew up over the VA falsification scandal, and was rumored to have thrown a tuna fish sandwich at the wall when hearing the news.  Prior to that, he got mad in the Rose Garden about the failed Obamacare website, and promptly place-kicked 3 beautiful flowers.  He popped his cork over the flubs in the Benghazi attack when an ambassador was murdered, and nearly popped a blood vessel when learning about the IRS scheme of targeting conservative groups for intense tax audits.  Staffers claimed that there was no one who was more outraged than the President during these screw-ups on his watch.  This became a serious warning flag to Insiders who knew that there were so many other crazy angry nutso’s in the world who would have seemed to be angrier than the President on any of those issues.

It was one thing to exhibit a sort of faux-anger about issues on the job…quite another matter to get so kooky angry over a damn game of golf.  At one point during the round, after failing to get out of a shallow sand trap on the 3rd occasion, he bent his sand wedge into the shape of a pretzel…not an easy thing to do for a person with normal human strength…unless, of course, the adrenaline was running at extreme flows.  A Secret Service agent was not able to return to club to shape, and thereafter, the President played bunker shots with a 4-iron.

Doctors say that conditions like this are treatable with a combination of group therapy, and either ample doses of alcohol or medical marijuana.  The spokesman said that the President is considering his options…but points out that, in younger days, the latter seemed to be fairly effective.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that might seem plausible.

The Association of Punks, Thugs, and Hoodlums (APTH) has announced plans to file a discrimination lawsuit in the Bizarreville District Court.  For years, APTH has complained that they have been isolated from society, never considered an official “protected class”, and had to put up with disparaging joking from handicapped people, LGBT people, ethnic minorities, and others chiding them for their exclusionary status.  The joke has now gone too far, and APTH is going on the offensive.

The most recent incident that ignited the brouhaha was when 3 knife-wielding thugs got thrown out of Melford’s Bar for rabble-rousing, threatening customers, and failing to lift the seat on a family unisex restroom commode.  The bartender told them that they don’t serve punks like them, and promptly had the bouncers throw them out on their respective ears into the back alley.

“Punks like them?!?” a spokesman for APTH exclaimed.  “What does that nimrod bartender really mean when he says ‘Punks like them’?  What is he trying to say?  I’ll tell you what he’s trying to say.  He’s saying just because some booze pouring bozo does not like the look of a man’s knife sheath, or the colors of this tattoos all over his face, or maybe just his armpit smell…he thinks he has the right to discriminate.  Well, that should not and cannot be allowed to stand.”

During their interview, the 3 victims said that, in the past, they would have just started throwing chairs, overturned pool tables, tossed beer cans, and beat up a few arbitrary innocent patrons.  But that time has long since gone.  Now they prefer legal remedies.  One victim said he was going to hold-out for free drinks at that bar for a full year.  His thug buddy nudged him, and suggested he set his sights higher…three years…hell, why not four?

The owner of the bar said he was considering just converting the establishment into a sanctioned gay bar, where discrimination against all non-gays was perfectly acceptable and lawful.  He said he could no longer afford to pay for a lawyer who charges him $400 per hour, including the time he spends on his crapper, and needs to go to some kind of Plan B.

APTH attorneys agreed that Melford could employ the Gays Protection Law to keep his clients out of the bar…for now.  But he said that might be the next lawsuit in the works, where punks and bullies could once again be free to beat up anyone, no matter what their sexual orientation was.  Freedom is all they want.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.

bo:  Mr. President, how can you live with yourself when you know all these citizens are losing their Health Care insurance?

BO:  You can ask that kind of question to anybody.  For example, how do you live with yourself after being so disrespectful and mean to the President?

bo:  Everyone hates the Health Care program.  It was a total screw-up of Biblical proportions.  Moses could not have dreamed up a plague on the Egyptians this bad.

BO:  Yeah, but it’s getting better.

bo:  Let’s turn to Benghazi.  Another total screw-up where no one is being held accountable for lives lost, sir.

BO:  Okay.  You made your point.  Tell you what…tomorrow I’m going to hold someone accountable for that mess-up:  the Secretary of State at the time.  What was her name again?  I’ll go ahead and dock her pay.

bo:  It’s higher than that.  It’s you.  You were told that this was a terrorist attack, and it took hours, too many hours, to get something going to protect your people, our people.  By then it was too late.

BO:  Yeah, I think I crashed early that night.  Had a few brewskis with a couple of your pundit buddies at Fox earlier that evening.  They are much more fun than you, by the way.  They had bigger morning hangovers than me, though, from what I heard.

bo:  And then, there is the whole immigration issue that seems to be going nowhere because nobody really cares about it.

BO:  Ask me if I care.

bo:  Do you care?

BO:  Sure.  Next question…

bo:  How about the Super Bowl.  Who are you favoring and why?

BO:  As President, I cannot say that I favor any one team over the other.  If I do, I get hate mail from the other side, and threats to never vote for my party again for the rest of their lives.  So…no football picks.  I will be rooting for Willard Shmelberg in the National Bowl-off Tournament.  He’s from DC.  Saw him juggle bowling balls at a Press Club dinner last year.  Amazing guy.

bo:  Thank you, Mr. President.  I can tell that our heart is in the right place.

BO:  Yeah, it’s right there in the middle of the chest.  I knew a guy who had his heart in his lower intestine area.  Didn’t have the rib cage for protection, but had about 15 layers of fat, so probably worked out to be about the same.  Creeped out doctors when they tried to use their stethoscope on him, and he started moving their hand down his frame.

bo:  Thank you…Cut.

Northfunk Airlines announced yesterday, amid growing numbers of complaints from customers who are forced to sit next to obnoxiously fat people on flights, a new policy to deal with the obese.  The Northfunk airplanes have been internally modified to make the back two rows of seats extra wide for the 300-pounders who fly.  These seats, called the Fat Boy Specials, will be required seating for the enormous bulk set. defined as any passenger weighing more than 300 pounds.  A $75 surcharge will be assessed for these thick passengers occupying Fat Boy Specials.  Normal weight people will also be able to spend the $75 on the seats after all the chunksters have been seated, depending on availability.

The airline said that previous attempts to deal with fat people on a voluntary basis were unsuccessful.  The airline had asked obese riders to purchase two seats in the past, but none complied.  Fat passengers just bought a single seat, and let gravity take over.  The barrage of complaints from customers who were getting squished by rolls of sweaty fat spilling over their armrests, made the company decide to finally take action.  Weigh scales will be placed at the entry doors in their terminals.

The AFA immediately threatened to file a lawsuit, citing discrimination against the minority group of “hungry overeaters”, just because of their slow metabolism medical conditions.  A Northfunk spokesman said that they still want fat people to ride their planes, unless total weight limits are exceeded, or jetways are unable to support the weight.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…so far as we know.

The Institute of Study Studies (ISS) just published a new study this week revealing that, on an overall basis, all study conclusions…no matter if seemingly profound, no matter if done by the bluest of blue chip panels…cannot be considered valid.  They say that most studies are so full of bogus science, skewed and skewered data, illogical quasi-analysis, and statistical insignificance that no one can validate the true truth from ordinary bilge water.  Most conclusions have no real basis in fact.  More often than not they are manipulated and slanted to reflect what the payer of the study wanted to hear, with high hopes of getting re-funded to continue the work.

A spokesman for the ISS said that the studies stating that something is bad for you have a 33% chance of being correct, a 33% chance of having no impact one way or the other, and a 33% chance of it actually being good for you.  He pointed to the wave of lawsuits challenging nearly every prescription medicine ever sold, the ongoing debate about the health effects of eating eggs, the global warming debate, and the latest controversial study concluding that supplementing your dinner meal with a small side of dog chow helps digestion…as evidence of the range of uncertainty and confusion in the world of studies.

The ISS study has angered various think tank members, and egghead forums across the nation.  One outspoken multi-PhD member of the High IQ Bowling Society commented that if the ISS conclusion is true, then their own study of studies must also be considered invalid…so there.  The ISS responded that this guy needs to seriously get a life.

Others who spend their whole lives just thinking about stuff were similarly outraged when the ISS proposed that all study work be stopped, and that study wheel-spinners go find real jobs.  “The macroeconomic tightrope of such a broad reaching runway is arbitrary, mal-feasible, and potentially could channel benign resurgence,” one egghead complained.

“Case in point,” the ISS spokesman replied.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least for now.