bizarreville

Nancy Peloci, in her effort to be considered the most disrespectful House Speaker in the history of the country, just advised Democratic nominee Biden to cancel the Presidential debate because it would be an exercise in skullduggery.  She was reported to be foaming at the mouth as she disparaged the President with a continuous string of insults at her regular press conference.

Medical personnel on the scene were greatly concerned about her psychotic behavior, which put her at risk of having a nervous breakdown right there at the podium.  Her liberal followers were similarly concerned, since Ms. Pelosi’s nasty mouth is a vital cog in the DNC campaign strategy of daily Trump bashing.

“No one else in the Party has a secure enough position in their District to risk acting like a total idiot in front of the public,” a DNC spokesperson commented.  “Her mostly-deranged constituents in San Francisco accept her moronic behavior, and would vote for her, even if she was thrown in solitary confinement for treason and/or hording ice cream in her commercial-size freezer at her home.”

Her obnoxious act of ripping her copy of the President’s State of the Union address suggested to many medical professionals that she was borderline crazy, and should be placed on a Watch List.  Then, her obsession with spewing Hate Trump speech at every occasion, alerted medical personnel to always be on standby at her public events, just in case she did a total flip-out.

“She has this delusion that her whacky, hateful outbursts are showing the world that she’s a tough congresswoman who won’t back down to anyone, and believes she has a Pass to be able to be as disrespectful and disgusting as she wishes,” an RNC member mentioned.  “But we realize it’s all just part of her mental illness, and we have pity on her.”

Pelosi’s recent trouble with breaking the law when she illegally visited her favorite hair salon and forced the stylist to cut her mop inside the building in defiance of local COVID safety regulations has made her defenders nervous.  Then, blaming to store owner for “allowing” Pelosi to misbehave was too much for even the leftiest libs to accept.  They have vowed to get her professional psychological help after the election, provided voters keep her crazy ass in her seat.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but some have actually come true.

Seeing the success of the Students Protesting Against Masks (SPAM) protest march, another group of gripers formed to rally against the mask-wearing requirement.  The Citizens Lobbying Against Masks (CLAM) are an older throng of unhappy campers, claiming that masks make it difficult to breathe, and fog up their reading glasses.  Furthermore, they say that they heard that masks do not help ward off the virus anyway, since a virus is so small that it could easily pass through the weave.   A number of protestors took off their masks, and used their BBQ grille lighters to set them on fire, to the cheer of the crowd.

Mid-way through the rally, one of the protestors started wildly coughing, almost as if hacking up a lung.  This sent the other protestors into a screamy panic.  Some flopped down flat on the ground and buried their faces in the grass.  Others dashed away, and climbed trees to get away from the estimated 16 million germs expelled by the coughing maniac.  One person put on his charred mask and burnt his face.  A nearby taco truck closed his windows, packed it up, and moved across town, with condiments flying every which way as he sped off.

About one hour later, a professor from nearby Bumfunk College, who had been part of the CLAM rally earlier, took some measurements of the air at Ground Zero, and announced all was clear, and the rally could continue.  Unfortunately, by that time, everyone had gone home to shower down.

By the end of the day, the cougher had been tested for COVID, and results came out negative for the virus.  The CLAM organizer stated that she was happy and relieved at the test result, and planned to restage the protest rally, possibly next month.  She said they would do a better job screening participants to exclude any “cougher types” next time.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, to the best of our knowledge.

At a time when protests have become the norm, a new group calling themselves Students Protesting Against Masks (SPAM) has organized a march to the cheers and jeers of various onlookers.  SPAM is a collection of young people who are refusing to wear COVID virus masks, in defiance of rules and guidance for mask use in public spaces.

The young people say that masks are ugly, even the ones that have bling or hip decorations to try and make them look attractive.  Some claim that the dating scene has totally dried-up because of the ugly factor.  They say that the ugly factor makes gorgeous people look like scummy thugs… not to mention people with below-average looks in the first place.

They do not care that their misbehavior increases the likelihood that the Corona crisis will escalate and go on for a longer period of time if people, like them, don’t take proper safety precautions.

“We care about the NOW,” a SPAM spokesperson blurted out, “not what may or may not happen months from now.  If we have to bury ourselves in the sand for 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, or even a year, our lives will be pure dog piss.  That is unstomachable.  Masks are history.”

The spokesperson put his mask back on, then ripped it off in some kind of show of anger.  Most onlookers thought the guy looked better with the mask on, since it hid his complexion problems and oversized shnoz.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.  After that, who knows?

Let’s face it.  You are getting bored and stressed with all this Stay At Home regulation.  There’s nothing good on TV.  You have had enough Zoom meetings with friends.  You’ve read your whole stockpile of novels on your bookshelf, or have just stopped because they all make you too sleepy.  You’d like to do something that does not require wearing a mask.  It’s time for a change.

And, we at Bizarreville, have just the ticket.  Just released is our new satirical novel:  Rindy the Mold-eating Squirrel.  It is a fun, humorous story that is suitable for squirrel lovers of all ages.  As usual, it pokes fun at a wide variety of subjects… all in good taste.  Click on the book cover in the right margin, and that will link you directly to Amazon for an easy transaction.  Be prepared to laugh your rear-end off. ——>

Now, while you are sheltering-at-home, basically unable to do your normal fun-stuff, and wondering how to attack cabin fever and chronic boredom, the time is right to order one of our hilarious satire novels from Bizarreville.  Crush the sadness of this quarantine lock-down with hearty laughter.  Travel to a whimsical place that is almost as fun and a heck of a lot cheaper than your family vacation plans that are now on Hold.

You’ve been thinking about doing some reading anyway… why not read something that will put a smile on your face?  Right?  Way better than reading the autobiography of Millard Fillmore.  Click on any one of our book covers on the right, and it will immediately take you Amazon for easy ordering…and humor-therapy help will soon be on its way.

The recent dam failure in the Midland, Michigan area has put the state in serious turmoil, according to Governor Whitmer.  The catastrophic dam failure and associated flooding comes at a bad time, when the governor recently extended the mandatory shelter-in-place order.  Fortunately, there have been no injuries thus far from the flooding.

Many residents, complying with the stay-at-home directive, have been able to climb on top of their roofs if they have 2-story homes.  But the families with ranch homes or double-wide trailers in the flood areas have had to resort to manning their boats, and thus ignoring the stay-home rule.  The governor recognized that these are extraordinary times, and spoke out that boaters would not be penalized, as long as they tie-off to the tops of their chimneys or satellite dishes.  The State Police would not be issuing citations to these particular flood victims, and would go back to writing-up citizens for illegally buying non-essential mulch, shrubs, and plant food at home improvement stores.

The poor governor is at her Whit’s End, so to speak, and has privately indicated that dealing with all these problems was not what she bargained for when she decided to run for governor.  She was very upset when hundreds of armed militia members arrived at the State Capitol, protesting her unilateral lock-down restrictions.  When the President suggested she try to “put out the fire,” she instructed the National Guard to open up on the protestors with fire hoses.  She later said that the President’s advice did not help one bit.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, just like most national news stories.

Attention Bizarreville Nation:

Just released is our newest novel, hot off the Bizarreville Press:  Career Murder on the Metroid Express, now available from Amazon.  This book is a response to the frequent request that we try to do a murder mystery story.  Of course, we here do not want to deal with the gore and disgustingness of an actual murder, so we have instead developed a story of a career murder… where an employee gets unjustly fired, perpetrated allegedly by one or more of his sleazy office coworkers.  As you might guess, it all happens while he is riding the commuter train to work.  It’s a fun who-done-it, with humorous insights into the creepy world of office politics.  The story is written in real time, so it puts you, the reader, right in the middle of the unfolding drama as the investigation continues.  Find out who the culprit is, and what becomes of the career murdered victim.

Get your copy by clicking on the book cover icon in the right margin —->

Great gift for someone you like (or even someone you don’t particularly like).

Establishment Democrats are sweating bullets following Bernie Sanders’ surprise landslide in Nevada.  They say that it was one thing for the self-proclaimed pinko Communist to stir up emotions in fringe liberal kooks… far another thing for him to be their actual, for-real party leader… who would take the country on the road to becoming another Cuba, or Venezuela, or Greece, albeit with better fast food joints.  His recent praising of the nutcase Fidel Castro drew even more concerns with the mental health of the guy, especially when he said he was considering growing a beard and buying one of those Fidel hats.

Bernie, who brings a rich personal history of laziness, loafiness, sponging-off others most of his life, has been an attractive candidate for the underbelly of American voters… literally a poster child of underachievement.  These citizens relish the ideas of free food, free dope, free health care, free college, free day-care, while not having to endure the hardship of working for a living.  Sanders has now brought many young people into the fold, who had majored in Aztec Music Theory, and now have been only able to find a job flipping fake-meat burgers to slowly pay off their student loans.  They also want the right to sing off-key chants at work, even if it bothers co-workers.

“It’s not fair that people with real jobs get off paying such low taxes, while the rest of us have to smell their exhaust,” one music theorist complained.  “We need a leader who will elevate our culture and glorify the music of the Aztecs, Incas, and even the oft-forgotten Eskimos, so that the rest of us can participate in the American dream.”

Meanwhile, Democrat insiders are worried that Bernie’s appeals to the Hobo Left may turn off some of the more normal Democrat voters.  Many of these normal people don’t want to lose their current health card program, and have it replaced with an incompetently-run government system with a Death-Squad determining what would or wouldn’t be covered.  Some young voters have countered that a Death Squad would, at least, create jobs… at the front-end and the back-end of the process.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and are probably less scary than the real stories.

Nancy Pelosi is continuing to feel heat from citizens for her disrespectful act of ripping up the copy of the President’s State of the Union speech in front of a national audience.  She claimed that the speech was full of lies.  When asked whether the President’s claims that the country is experiencing exemplary GDP growth, record low unemployment, across the board wage increases, major improvements in trade deals, a spike in capital investment by companies that brought jobs back into the country, and skyrocketing 70% growth in people’s 401K retirement accounts were all “a bunch of lies,” she responded that she was unfamiliar with that kind of detail.  She said she leaves financial mumbo-jumbo analysis jazz to her staff people…unfortunately, most of them were taking personal leaves of absence that week.  “I am certain, when they come back to work, that they will find some exaggerations in the stated figures.  After all, most of my staff took math in high school, so are pretty good with, you know, numbers and stuff.”

Some people wondered why all the Democrats in the State of the Union audience looked so glum, refused to applaud at the booming economy numbers, snarled at the prospect of an even-better 2020 outlook.  One Democrat attendee admitted that she was sternly instructed by her leadership to put on a piss-face, and make occasional howls and groans during the speech.  It was explained to her that a lot of people in the country still do not have health insurance.  When she mentioned that that’s probably because they have chosen not to buy it, her leader responded, no, it’s because people just hate the TrumpCare program.  A fellow Democrat poked the leader in the side and told her that there is no TrumpCare… it’s all still ObamaCare.

“Yeah, but if it was TrumpCare, it would be bad,” the Democratic leader responded.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they usually sound pretty real.

Elizabeth Warren, after devastating losses in the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, appears about ready to hang up her campaign for the Democratic nomination for President.  Her messages of increasing taxes on every person who has a savings account or a share of stock, providing health care for pet dogs, cats, and gerbils, adopting a forgive/forget program for terrorists and human traffickers, and closing all power plants in the country in order to reduce climate change were widely supported early in her campaign, but seem to have fallen on deaf ears lately.  On top of that, her “angry lady” style of communicating has prompted some former supporters to suggest that she try going on Valium for a while… or spend some time in Colorado and sample some of their new agricultural products.

Her tactics in New Hampshire were borderline crazy, saying on one hand that the Democrats should stop fighting with each other and find common ground to win the election… then on the other hand, producing a variety of ads attempting to decimate her opponents by pointing out their considerable weaknesses and shortcomings.

“If you’re going to point out weaknesses, you should go for the jugular, and start giving opponents harsh, ridiculously cruel, insensitive nicknames,” one Aide suggested.  “It has been proven that goofy nicknames create a lot of laughter, and laughter is the key to a winning strategy.  Look at the last election…say no more.”

It may be too late for Warren to make a dramatic tactical change and save her campaign.  But it is something to consider for a possible 2024 run.  And it is not too early to start that process now.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they are still fun to imagine.

The poor Democrats are having a bad week so far.  The much-anticipated Iowa Caucus for the Democratic Presidential hopefuls fell apart in chaos on Monday when organizers were unable to total up results from the fractured, frenzied process.  Part of the problem was that, if a candidate did not achieve a threshold percentage in a given district, the candidate was labeled as “Not Viable.”  Turns out, none of the candidates, in fact, is really viable, and that caused their computerized tally system to discombobulate.  The leading candidates were heard saying, “I’m viable, I’m viable, I’m viable,” but by then, their system could not undo the chaos.  The Democratic candidates are now headed for New Hampshire, where they have agreed to have a big snowball fight to determine how the New Hampshire delegates are divvied up.

Meanwhile, the Democrats in Congress are looking particularly stupid as they fumbled their attempt at impeachment of the President using fake news, fake depositions, and fake data.  They were reportedly dumbfounded that the fake news approach did not work this time, considering it has been so successful in the past.  Dem leadership has vowed to find some new fake news and new fake witnesses to make another try later this year.  One way or the other, they feel, they say they can find something/anything to overturn the election.  Their constituents, many who admit to being proud ignoramuses, expect nothing less from their elected officials.

The Democratic candidates are hoping that the next impeachment run can happen before the nomination conventions in the summer, so that they can get the kind of chaos going that will be like the chaos in Iowa this week.  But they are not able to spend much time talking about it now, because they are busy gathering snowballs for their arsenal.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, just like the fake stuff in politics nowadays.

The Chairman of the American Conservative Union announced that Senator Mitt Romney will not be invited to the annual CPAC conservative conference this year.  His un-invitation came moments after Romney sided with all the Democrats in a key vote in the Trump Impeachment Hoax, regarding parading a new throng of witnesses to elongate this charade on the American public.  Fortunately, the vote rejected more witnesses, placing Romney in the difficult spot of looking like a total bozo.

Romney, who claims to be a Republican, has behaved more like a Democrat, even going back to his failed run for the Presidency in 2012.  Voters then were confused on his constant flip-flopping on issues, appearing to swing to whatever messages the particular audience was wanting to hear at the time.  His fuzzy positions of gun control, immigration, defense, and social issues made some characterize him as an Etch-a-Sketch politician.  The makers of Etch-a-Sketch said, “We know Etch-a-Sketches, Etch-a-Sketches are our friends.  He’s no Etch-a-Sketch.”

Meanwhile, as a designated bozo, Romney faces the prospect of not being able to sit with any fellow Senators at lunches, and being left off the lists for Washington cocktail parties.  A spokesman said that was okay, because he’s on a diet anyway.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and no one can prove otherwise.