bizarreville

Democrat leaders have finally concluded that Nancy Pelosi has completely flipped her lid, and have decided to commit her to a local DC insane asylum.  Two oversized behemoths showed up at her office to haul her away, as she was seen/heard kicking and screaming, “No Trump bodyguards are shutting me up, or locking me up.  My friends in the Illegal Alien Community will not let this stand!”

The latest tipping point occurred when Pelosi went ballistic over Trump’s announced plans to submit a Supreme Court nominee to replace Justice Ginsberg.  She threatened to initiate impeachment hearings immediately, if Trump proceeds with the nomination.  It is, of course, the President’s constitutional duty to make such a nomination.  But Pelosi claimed that this clause was yet another example of the numerous flaws in the Constitution.

Democrats, who have also spoken against Trump’s plan to announce a nominee, nevertheless felt that the impeachment threat was the clearest example of the Speaker’s mental derangement… an unfortunate deterioration in mental capacity that had begun when she ripped up the President’s State of the Union speech on live TV, and continued with her constant, obsessive whining, bellyaching, and overt displays of anger about everything the President did.  Democrat leaders feel that her latest crazy, bizarre behavior now puts the upcoming Election in Republican hands… unless she can be stifled.

Administrators at Kook City Rest Home indicate that they can keep her muzzled for 2 months, and far away from any cameras or microphones.  They have several “Happy Rooms” in back of the facility with freezers full of ice cream, and TV’s permanently tuned to Sesame Street.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound pretty darn real.

As Election Day approaches, many are concerned that the Democratic Nominee is exhibiting early stages of dementia.  At a recent campaign stop in Michigan, he fumbled through COVID statistics, at one point going totally incoherent, saying there were “6 thousand, 344 thousand, 700 positive cases in the US military, I mean the United States overall.”  It made people in his own Party extremely nervous about letting him out in public for the next 2 months.  House Speaker Pelosi went as far as to suggest cancelling the Presidential Debates, so that Joe doesn’t look like a complete moron on national TV.

DNC leaders, however, are not overly concerned.  They think that having a brain-impaired President who can be propped up in his chair as a non-functional figurehead may work to their advantage in executing their social revolution agenda.

“Let’s face it…leaders who are egomaniacs can be so difficult to work with,” one insider commented.  “They think they know it all, and are not good listeners.  Better to have a guy who mumbles to himself in the corner, so that the rest of us can get the country moving in the right direction.  Or (ha, ha) in the left direction, in our case.”

Still, Joe must make it through the Election.  Most Democrats don’t care if the citizens elect a candidate suffering from dementia or any other impairment, as long as it’s not Trump.  Hell, some were even so desperate that they wanted to nominate an avowed socialist, Crazy Bernie Sanders, and his platform to turn the USA into an oversized Cuba, albeit with better cars.  Even though Joe is no Bernie, his malady will allow the Marxist element to effectively run things in the White House, and get the country away from this darn free enterprise path, and onto a new, inspired road to social justice, income equality, and global re-cooling.

Opponents have suggested Biden receive a full medical exam prior to the Election, so that voters can know whether they are electing someone who could figure out what button to push in the event of a nuclear attack… hopefully not the one that orders cheesecake and a fresh latte from the White House butler.  Dems feel that an exam is unnecessary, since, according to them, a possibly-impaired Biden would still be better than a known-impaired Trump.  The fight goes on.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction… that’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Nancy Peloci, in her effort to be considered the most disrespectful House Speaker in the history of the country, just advised Democratic nominee Biden to cancel the Presidential debate because it would be an exercise in skullduggery.  She was reported to be foaming at the mouth as she disparaged the President with a continuous string of insults at her regular press conference.

Medical personnel on the scene were greatly concerned about her psychotic behavior, which put her at risk of having a nervous breakdown right there at the podium.  Her liberal followers were similarly concerned, since Ms. Pelosi’s nasty mouth is a vital cog in the DNC campaign strategy of daily Trump bashing.

“No one else in the Party has a secure enough position in their District to risk acting like a total idiot in front of the public,” a DNC spokesperson commented.  “Her mostly-deranged constituents in San Francisco accept her moronic behavior, and would vote for her, even if she was thrown in solitary confinement for treason and/or hording ice cream in her commercial-size freezer at her home.”

Her obnoxious act of ripping her copy of the President’s State of the Union address suggested to many medical professionals that she was borderline crazy, and should be placed on a Watch List.  Then, her obsession with spewing Hate Trump speech at every occasion, alerted medical personnel to always be on standby at her public events, just in case she did a total flip-out.

“She has this delusion that her whacky, hateful outbursts are showing the world that she’s a tough congresswoman who won’t back down to anyone, and believes she has a Pass to be able to be as disrespectful and disgusting as she wishes,” an RNC member mentioned.  “But we realize it’s all just part of her mental illness, and we have pity on her.”

Pelosi’s recent trouble with breaking the law when she illegally visited her favorite hair salon and forced the stylist to cut her mop inside the building in defiance of local COVID safety regulations has made her defenders nervous.  Then, blaming to store owner for “allowing” Pelosi to misbehave was too much for even the leftiest libs to accept.  They have vowed to get her professional psychological help after the election, provided voters keep her crazy ass in her seat.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but some have actually come true.

Seeing the success of the Students Protesting Against Masks (SPAM) protest march, another group of gripers formed to rally against the mask-wearing requirement.  The Citizens Lobbying Against Masks (CLAM) are an older throng of unhappy campers, claiming that masks make it difficult to breathe, and fog up their reading glasses.  Furthermore, they say that they heard that masks do not help ward off the virus anyway, since a virus is so small that it could easily pass through the weave.   A number of protestors took off their masks, and used their BBQ grille lighters to set them on fire, to the cheer of the crowd.

Mid-way through the rally, one of the protestors started wildly coughing, almost as if hacking up a lung.  This sent the other protestors into a screamy panic.  Some flopped down flat on the ground and buried their faces in the grass.  Others dashed away, and climbed trees to get away from the estimated 16 million germs expelled by the coughing maniac.  One person put on his charred mask and burnt his face.  A nearby taco truck closed his windows, packed it up, and moved across town, with condiments flying every which way as he sped off.

About one hour later, a professor from nearby Bumfunk College, who had been part of the CLAM rally earlier, took some measurements of the air at Ground Zero, and announced all was clear, and the rally could continue.  Unfortunately, by that time, everyone had gone home to shower down.

By the end of the day, the cougher had been tested for COVID, and results came out negative for the virus.  The CLAM organizer stated that she was happy and relieved at the test result, and planned to restage the protest rally, possibly next month.  She said they would do a better job screening participants to exclude any “cougher types” next time.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, to the best of our knowledge.

At a time when protests have become the norm, a new group calling themselves Students Protesting Against Masks (SPAM) has organized a march to the cheers and jeers of various onlookers.  SPAM is a collection of young people who are refusing to wear COVID virus masks, in defiance of rules and guidance for mask use in public spaces.

The young people say that masks are ugly, even the ones that have bling or hip decorations to try and make them look attractive.  Some claim that the dating scene has totally dried-up because of the ugly factor.  They say that the ugly factor makes gorgeous people look like scummy thugs… not to mention people with below-average looks in the first place.

They do not care that their misbehavior increases the likelihood that the Corona crisis will escalate and go on for a longer period of time if people, like them, don’t take proper safety precautions.

“We care about the NOW,” a SPAM spokesperson blurted out, “not what may or may not happen months from now.  If we have to bury ourselves in the sand for 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, or even a year, our lives will be pure dog piss.  That is unstomachable.  Masks are history.”

The spokesperson put his mask back on, then ripped it off in some kind of show of anger.  Most onlookers thought the guy looked better with the mask on, since it hid his complexion problems and oversized shnoz.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.  After that, who knows?

Let’s face it.  You are getting bored and stressed with all this Stay At Home regulation.  There’s nothing good on TV.  You have had enough Zoom meetings with friends.  You’ve read your whole stockpile of novels on your bookshelf, or have just stopped because they all make you too sleepy.  You’d like to do something that does not require wearing a mask.  It’s time for a change.

And, we at Bizarreville, have just the ticket.  Just released is our new satirical novel:  Rindy the Mold-eating Squirrel.  It is a fun, humorous story that is suitable for squirrel lovers of all ages.  As usual, it pokes fun at a wide variety of subjects… all in good taste.  Click on the book cover in the right margin, and that will link you directly to Amazon for an easy transaction.  Be prepared to laugh your rear-end off. ——>

Now, while you are sheltering-at-home, basically unable to do your normal fun-stuff, and wondering how to attack cabin fever and chronic boredom, the time is right to order one of our hilarious satire novels from Bizarreville.  Crush the sadness of this quarantine lock-down with hearty laughter.  Travel to a whimsical place that is almost as fun and a heck of a lot cheaper than your family vacation plans that are now on Hold.

You’ve been thinking about doing some reading anyway… why not read something that will put a smile on your face?  Right?  Way better than reading the autobiography of Millard Fillmore.  Click on any one of our book covers on the right, and it will immediately take you Amazon for easy ordering…and humor-therapy help will soon be on its way.

The recent dam failure in the Midland, Michigan area has put the state in serious turmoil, according to Governor Whitmer.  The catastrophic dam failure and associated flooding comes at a bad time, when the governor recently extended the mandatory shelter-in-place order.  Fortunately, there have been no injuries thus far from the flooding.

Many residents, complying with the stay-at-home directive, have been able to climb on top of their roofs if they have 2-story homes.  But the families with ranch homes or double-wide trailers in the flood areas have had to resort to manning their boats, and thus ignoring the stay-home rule.  The governor recognized that these are extraordinary times, and spoke out that boaters would not be penalized, as long as they tie-off to the tops of their chimneys or satellite dishes.  The State Police would not be issuing citations to these particular flood victims, and would go back to writing-up citizens for illegally buying non-essential mulch, shrubs, and plant food at home improvement stores.

The poor governor is at her Whit’s End, so to speak, and has privately indicated that dealing with all these problems was not what she bargained for when she decided to run for governor.  She was very upset when hundreds of armed militia members arrived at the State Capitol, protesting her unilateral lock-down restrictions.  When the President suggested she try to “put out the fire,” she instructed the National Guard to open up on the protestors with fire hoses.  She later said that the President’s advice did not help one bit.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, just like most national news stories.

Attention Bizarreville Nation:

Just released is our newest novel, hot off the Bizarreville Press:  Career Murder on the Metroid Express, now available from Amazon.  This book is a response to the frequent request that we try to do a murder mystery story.  Of course, we here do not want to deal with the gore and disgustingness of an actual murder, so we have instead developed a story of a career murder… where an employee gets unjustly fired, perpetrated allegedly by one or more of his sleazy office coworkers.  As you might guess, it all happens while he is riding the commuter train to work.  It’s a fun who-done-it, with humorous insights into the creepy world of office politics.  The story is written in real time, so it puts you, the reader, right in the middle of the unfolding drama as the investigation continues.  Find out who the culprit is, and what becomes of the career murdered victim.

Get your copy by clicking on the book cover icon in the right margin —->

Great gift for someone you like (or even someone you don’t particularly like).

Establishment Democrats are sweating bullets following Bernie Sanders’ surprise landslide in Nevada.  They say that it was one thing for the self-proclaimed pinko Communist to stir up emotions in fringe liberal kooks… far another thing for him to be their actual, for-real party leader… who would take the country on the road to becoming another Cuba, or Venezuela, or Greece, albeit with better fast food joints.  His recent praising of the nutcase Fidel Castro drew even more concerns with the mental health of the guy, especially when he said he was considering growing a beard and buying one of those Fidel hats.

Bernie, who brings a rich personal history of laziness, loafiness, sponging-off others most of his life, has been an attractive candidate for the underbelly of American voters… literally a poster child of underachievement.  These citizens relish the ideas of free food, free dope, free health care, free college, free day-care, while not having to endure the hardship of working for a living.  Sanders has now brought many young people into the fold, who had majored in Aztec Music Theory, and now have been only able to find a job flipping fake-meat burgers to slowly pay off their student loans.  They also want the right to sing off-key chants at work, even if it bothers co-workers.

“It’s not fair that people with real jobs get off paying such low taxes, while the rest of us have to smell their exhaust,” one music theorist complained.  “We need a leader who will elevate our culture and glorify the music of the Aztecs, Incas, and even the oft-forgotten Eskimos, so that the rest of us can participate in the American dream.”

Meanwhile, Democrat insiders are worried that Bernie’s appeals to the Hobo Left may turn off some of the more normal Democrat voters.  Many of these normal people don’t want to lose their current health card program, and have it replaced with an incompetently-run government system with a Death-Squad determining what would or wouldn’t be covered.  Some young voters have countered that a Death Squad would, at least, create jobs… at the front-end and the back-end of the process.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and are probably less scary than the real stories.

Nancy Pelosi is continuing to feel heat from citizens for her disrespectful act of ripping up the copy of the President’s State of the Union speech in front of a national audience.  She claimed that the speech was full of lies.  When asked whether the President’s claims that the country is experiencing exemplary GDP growth, record low unemployment, across the board wage increases, major improvements in trade deals, a spike in capital investment by companies that brought jobs back into the country, and skyrocketing 70% growth in people’s 401K retirement accounts were all “a bunch of lies,” she responded that she was unfamiliar with that kind of detail.  She said she leaves financial mumbo-jumbo analysis jazz to her staff people…unfortunately, most of them were taking personal leaves of absence that week.  “I am certain, when they come back to work, that they will find some exaggerations in the stated figures.  After all, most of my staff took math in high school, so are pretty good with, you know, numbers and stuff.”

Some people wondered why all the Democrats in the State of the Union audience looked so glum, refused to applaud at the booming economy numbers, snarled at the prospect of an even-better 2020 outlook.  One Democrat attendee admitted that she was sternly instructed by her leadership to put on a piss-face, and make occasional howls and groans during the speech.  It was explained to her that a lot of people in the country still do not have health insurance.  When she mentioned that that’s probably because they have chosen not to buy it, her leader responded, no, it’s because people just hate the TrumpCare program.  A fellow Democrat poked the leader in the side and told her that there is no TrumpCare… it’s all still ObamaCare.

“Yeah, but if it was TrumpCare, it would be bad,” the Democratic leader responded.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they usually sound pretty real.

Elizabeth Warren, after devastating losses in the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, appears about ready to hang up her campaign for the Democratic nomination for President.  Her messages of increasing taxes on every person who has a savings account or a share of stock, providing health care for pet dogs, cats, and gerbils, adopting a forgive/forget program for terrorists and human traffickers, and closing all power plants in the country in order to reduce climate change were widely supported early in her campaign, but seem to have fallen on deaf ears lately.  On top of that, her “angry lady” style of communicating has prompted some former supporters to suggest that she try going on Valium for a while… or spend some time in Colorado and sample some of their new agricultural products.

Her tactics in New Hampshire were borderline crazy, saying on one hand that the Democrats should stop fighting with each other and find common ground to win the election… then on the other hand, producing a variety of ads attempting to decimate her opponents by pointing out their considerable weaknesses and shortcomings.

“If you’re going to point out weaknesses, you should go for the jugular, and start giving opponents harsh, ridiculously cruel, insensitive nicknames,” one Aide suggested.  “It has been proven that goofy nicknames create a lot of laughter, and laughter is the key to a winning strategy.  Look at the last election…say no more.”

It may be too late for Warren to make a dramatic tactical change and save her campaign.  But it is something to consider for a possible 2024 run.  And it is not too early to start that process now.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they are still fun to imagine.