bizarreville

AARP announced yesterday that they have unilaterally cancelled the membership of Arlen Specter, the fumbling senator from Pennsylvania.  The action comes as a last-straw from Specter’s latest action which they described as “profound numbskullness”.  Specter was a guest during a recent radio talk show with Congressperson Michelle Bachmann where, at one point, he scolded and whined, “I’m going to treat you like a lady.  Now ACT like one!”

AARP said they are proud to represent most all flavors of old people…geezers, cobweb collectors, geriatrics, grouch bags, mean old farts, and creaky basket cases.  But Specter went above and beyond AARP standards for even mean old farts, and violated the idiot clause in the association’s bylaws.

This latest Specter-flub was just the latest in a series of bizarre antics, starting when he drifted into total confusion about what party he belongs in and what values he believes in.  He then essentially flipped the bird at the party that had supported him without even a courtesy phone call.  Then there was his infamous Town Hall meeting where he chided his own constituents who had the audacity to want their voices heard.  Even the Democrats are keeping their distance from the guy.  “He’s a vote,” commented a party spokesperson.  “That’s about it in terms of our interest.”

But a congressional medical authority weighed in on the situation, “It’s not that unusual.  This guy has been serving in a totally dysfunctional Congress for decades.  And with his lack of core values, he has had to swing back and forth, go around and around, and incur enormous stress just trying to decide what to do every day.  Clearly, that has caused irreversible brain softening, which now appears to have shut down his ability to reason.  Rather than criticize, we should all feel sorry for him…and find him a home somewhere.”

AARP has said that it is sympathetic to his brain softening condition, but it must protect its reputation, and the reputation of its huge membership.  “If the public begins to think we’re all a bunch of Specteroids, our organization will cease to be taken seriously and lose the political punch we’ve garnered over decades of work.”  The association is assessing the rest of its 80-plus agers to determine if there are other Specteroids out there that will need to be purged or rehabilitated.

AARP has said they will return a prorated portion of his dues.  And as a further act of compassion, they will send Specter a packet of brochures where he can get some psychological help at a 20% discount.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

General Electric today announced that it had applied for Obama government bailout funding, citing extraordinary unexpected financial difficulties.  Sources say that their difficulties all stem from its NBC division having to pay Conan O’Brien and his staff $45 million to not show up to work.  It had been rumored that NBC might easily qualify for bailout funding, stimulus funding, or some kind of earmark funding which could come out of a special bucket for companies adept at sucking-up to the Administration.

But the Obama bailout czar suggested that the well is dry, and that GE should just put O’Brien to work mopping office floors, cleaning toilets, and restocking shelves at 11:35 pm every night.  “Put a couple cameras on him, and just call it the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.”  He proposed that they keep his staff busy dusting furniture, emptying garbage, spraying pest control, and washing windows all night…cancel the cleaning crew. 

It is possible that the O’Brien camp might consider that option, considering the difficulty he may find trying to land another show with another network.  Television experts say that there is already a plethora of pathetic unfunny nitwits in the Telesphere, hardly room for one more… let alone a guy who just got fired from a job in 7 months, from a show whose average tenure of predecessors was 25 years.  “He could always change his shtick to drama: maybe Conan MD, Hairmeister NYPD, or Desperate Talk Show hosts.

The GE spokesman said he was disappointed in being turned down for bailout money, and that the company would need to seek alternate financial help.  He remarked that the Conan payoff was just a small piece of their difficulties.  “About 50 NBC executives will need to get the boot after this fiasco, with untold golden parachute costs.  Then there are the rehiring costs of a whole new team of execu-bozos who will need to doll up their offices, stock up their mini-refrigerators, and load up on gold-plated staplers and business card holders.  Yeah, it’s more than just Conan.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Security agents have the Capitol locked down as they put together the pieces to better understand the disastrous incident early this morning.  All are shocked and puzzled in disbelief as they look for mops to clean up the mess.

It all started when Nancy Pelosi, the spaced-out Speaker of the House of Ill Repute, was given word of Scott Brown’s stunning victory in Massachusetts.  Sensing the world as she knew it coming to an end, she started flipping out, foaming at the mouth, and acting like a total imbecile.  Normally that would not have been considered too unusual for her.  But then she started to faint, with her eyes rolling back into her head.  A top aide instinctively, without thought, reached for a bucket of water and doused her from head to toe.

Pelosi started fizzing and fizzling, becoming enveloped in a turquoise fog, then started literally melting away right on the spot.  Within one minute, she totally dissolved into a puddle of green goo on the floor.  All that was left was her ever-present broom and pointy black hat drenched in 2 quarts of green slop.  Bystanders just stood by with jaws dropped.  Her final gurgled comments were, “Et tu, my little pretty?”

Democratic congresspeople have been desperately trying to figure out how to reconstitute her.  Some are reading and re-reading all the novels of L. Frank Baum to see if there are any hidden deliquifying instructions embedded somewhere.  But others are just standing around like a box of rocks trying to figure out what to do next…directionless.

Meanwhile, the EPA called in its Hazardous Material Unit to quarantine the area with red danger tape and don moon suits.  The EPA inspector indicated that it was likely Congress would be issued a Notice of Violation and sizeable fines for an unpermitted hazardous spill…an outcome of the Administration’s orders to toughen enforcement.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

The recent announcement of yet another major airline deciding to pillage customers 25 dollars for a lousy piece of luggage has touched-off Upcharge wars in Bizarreville.  The 2 Bizarreville airlines are donning battle gear…let the war begin.

Leadbelly Airlines, the perennial last place holder in on-time arrival (or industry leader in off-time arrival if you prefer the positive perspective) has shot off the first volley.  Yesterday they announced that, yes, there would be charges for checked bags.  But they are taking it several steps further by announcing additional fee schedules for bringing crap on board:

Leadbelly says they are considering upcharges for tall people, fat people, and people wreaking of body odor in order to take even greater lead in the Upcharge race.  Obnoxiously fat people or stinky people will be charged for the whole row of seats.

Lame Duck Air, the leader and award-winner in marginally lousy customer service who coined the motto “Shut Up, Sit Down, and We’ll Getcha There” is taking a decidedly different tack in the Upcharge challenge.  They announced that they will immediately begin charging $2 to use the restroom, bringing back the classic Pay Toilet concept from the 1950’s for nostalgia buffs.  TP will be available from a restroom vending machine for a nominal extra charge, exact change only.  They have eliminated Flight Attendants per se, but will allow customers to buy Attendant service at one dollar per help item, or a booklet of 6 help coupons for $4.  They toyed with the idea of joining the baggage fee crowd, but are upping the ante…they have just eliminated all baggage on all flights, checked or otherwise.  “You want baggage, call UPS,” quoted a Lame Duck press release.

Leadbelly responds they will stay competitive in this war and may eliminate that darn “free baby” allowance scam that has been hampering airlines for decades.  “Bring your baby?  Full charge.  Don’t like it?  Get a friggin’ baby sitter.  Next?”  said the VP Customer Service.

Lame Duck Air (LDA) stock was up $0.13 on the news, while Leadbelly (LBA) was down $0.10.  Analysts with Dingbird and Doodle are still calling Lame Duck a BUY.   LDA quarterly earnings results are coming out next week…anticipated to be pathetic, but above expectations.

The President made a special trip last weekend to Massachusetts trying to pull all stops in order to avoid losing the critical Ted Kennedy seat in the special election today.  But his personal charm and charisma may not be enough, as Independent voters, exhausted from vomitting over the Reid/Pelosi commode, are switching allegiances by the droves, according to recent polls.

Many liberal pundits have lamented that losing the Kennedy seat will fly in the face of everything Senator Kennedy stood for…collosal bureaucracy, government control over all life functions, and irresponsible spending like drunken sailors out for a joy ride…right at the cusp of having all those dreams really coming true.  They have urged the President to do something, anything.

So the President has been busy trying to find new payola buckets that can be rolled out to the Massachusetts citizens quickly.  “It’s got to be more pragmatic than the Louisiana or Nebraska payoffs,” said an unnamed insider.  “It must be fast cash in the pockets, no fuss, no muss.” 

Insiders say the President, who just met with major bankers last week to shake them down for paying employees enormous bonuses, may have secretly launched a landmark deal.  In the deal, registered Independent voters will be emailed a special password today that will allow them to go to any Massachusetts ATM and withdraw up to $1000 free cash…today before 7pm only.   The four largest banks will foot the bill as a penance for just too much bonus greed, accounting tom-foolery, and general poor eating habits and farting at the table.

Sources say that the Independent Free Cash program will clearly demonstrate to voters that they, the Democrats, are the party of freebies, benny’s, and other good stuff on silver platters.  Privately, they acknowledge that many Independents will eventually understand the fallacy in all this.  But they are banking on the 1-day euphoria factor to get through the special election before they think it all the way through.  The nice new 46-inch flat screen TV on their credenza might help with their internal struggles, as well.

A Republican party spokesman was asked to comment on the proposed Free Cash program, and just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots.”  A bank CEO who had been listening-in said, “I’ll second that.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

A special election is being held Tuesday in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy’s old Senate seat.  Conventional thinking had been that this would be a slam-dunk win for Martha Coakley, the Democrat, who would take over for the temporary appointee Democrat Paul Kirk.  But with recent public outcry regarding the socialist agenda being rammed-through in Washington, the Republican challenger Scott Brown has closed the gap, particularly among the Common Sense fringe element in Massachusetts.

The Dems had been panicking, but in their desperation, they believe they have devised a foolproof plan to keep the seat.  To show that they are in tune with the public and even a bit hip, the campaign committee announced that they have changed their campaign theme song to “Pants on the Ground”.  The song, written by General Larry Platt and introduced to the world during the American Idol show last week, is almost certain to go platinum and win Grammies.  Dem strategists want to catch this wave early and use it to their immediate advantage.

The campaign musicologist tweaked some of the lyrics suggesting Republican Brown walks around with his pants on the ground, wears his hat sideways, and flashes his gold teeth.  Most voters know that none of it is true.  But the campaign is hoping for some sort of subliminal connection when the wavering voter is in the booth scratching his ass.

Dems plan to rent hundreds of large horn speakers that mount on top of cars, and will play their new theme continuously around towns and especially near polling places.  They have also asked all campaign workers to dress up in a Pants On The Ground costume theme on Election day, including inserting some fake gold teeth to complete the effect.

The Democratic campaign believes this will be enough to hold onto a thin victory on Tuesday, and avoid losing their fillibuster-proof majority that would undo Obamacare, for sure.

A Republican campaign spokesman was asked to comment, but he just shook his head and said, “Friggin’ idiots…”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Following a 15-year trend of increasing sports gimmickry, the silly sideshows have now eclipsed the games themselves in fan interest.  Exit polls done by the Jallop organization of fans leaving sports venues have shown diminishing interest and outright boredom of the high-priced arrogant prima donna parade out on the field.  More and more fans could not even remember who won the game, some even were not quite sure who was playing.  Only one in 10 even knew who Art Shmellman was.

But all remembered and were excited about the cheerleaders shooting air cannons of cheap T-shirts to the fans…which was voted the #1 fan interest activity in the latest poll.  Even though the T-shirts were often just goofy promotional crap from places like Bill’s TV and Appliance, fans would dive and crash into little kids just for the chance of snapping one up.  At a recent Bizarreville Skunkspray football game, little Tommy Derfberger received a broken nose when Elmer “the Whale” Flabbertime launched  himself over several rows to get a tie-dye.  Ironically, the shirt size was “Medium”, 5 sizes short of Elmer’s girth needs.

Other popular sideshows in order of popularity included the old grammaw trying to throw a football through an orifice 20 yards away, the scoreboard icon race, the little  s#*!t  bands that go through the stands playing obnoxious mini-songs, and the mock fighting between opposing team mascots with a crotch-busting at the goalpost finale. 

The Wave, which years ago was #1 in sideshow popularity did not make the latest Top Ten….although it continues to be exceedingly popular at some schools in Ohio, which apparently have not received the memo yet.

Team owners seem very happy with the trends.  For years, they were able to only cater to the hard-core, cigar-smoking ultra-fans who would laser focus on game play and keep score in their programs.  Unfortunately, this group rarely bought the 8-buck nacho chips, the 9-buck cotton candies, or the 10-buck vanilla cokes.  The new fans load up on all this overpriced garbage like there’s no tomorrow, as well as the chintzy hats, helmets, and literally anything with a team logo, creating a huge new revenue stream for the salivating owners.  “The experience has changed from just watching a meaningless game to a whole new social activity now,” one owner said.  “I don’t know…seems like the new fans just want to stuff their faces more.”

Owners are now contemplating how to better exploit the ultimate sideshow:  the tailgate party.  One innovative owner is trialling a bratwurst tax, with a team of weiner checkers to make counts in the lot.  If this is successful, you can bet that it won’t be long before all sports teams have weiner checkers on staff.

Congress just announced passage of a major new bill, creating a new 51st state which will be called the state of Confusion.  The name has Latin roots in meaning “a group pour”, which is very much how the new state will come into being.  Congress had originally wanted to persuade one of the existing states to donate land for this new state, but none would pop for it.  So they plan to construct the new state by filling in a small piece of the Atlantic Ocean with landfill garbage, wastewater treatment sludge, junk mail, plus all the returnable beer and soft drink containers from Michigan and other ‘enlightened’ states.  “It will be like Atlantis’ outhouse,” one senator said.

Congress announced that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be co-presidents of Confusion, a departure from the convention of having the state’s chief executive being titled governor.  But it emphasizes how important Confusion will be in the new world order.  Both Harry and Nancy will have equal power to issue executive orders and statewide misdirection.  They will also have the power to collect tax  from any/all inhabitants, even the rodents, pigeons, and dodo birds.

Surprisingly, these Confusion appointees received overwhelming bi-partisan support.  Democrats pointed out that both leaders deserve this promotion opportunity as a reward for their brave, high-performing leadership in the past 12 months.  Republicans were enthusiastic about putting these two on a mound of  s#*!t  off our shores, in which they would be hard-pressed to find a way to turn it into a worse pile of  s#*!t.

The announcement did not indicate how to handle the difficulty of adding a 51st star to the flag, but sources say they will just put a small asterisk on one of the white stripes and call it even.

Truckloads and bargeloads of crap are already being diverted from city dumps and hazardous landfills around the country to the new Confusion-in-the-making.  Congress authorized $1 trillion for constructing the new state, but some fear it might overrun the budget.  Insiders say, “It doesn’t really matter.  After all what’s another trill or so when it comes to something this big?  A hundred years from now, who will know the difference when they’re enjoying the slip-n-slide rides at Confusion Disneyland?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Bizarreville’s local NBC affiliate announced yesterday that it was totally fed-up with all the wankers running the network, is pulling the plug on these guys, and signing on to become some kind of PBS station.  They say that the latest nuttiness over who will host the Tonight Show has been the last shovelful of excrement in filling up the NBC manure wagon.

Bizarreville’s station plans to keep a late night talking format, but with an intriguing PBS twist.  They will employ PBS’ patented Pledge Drive babble for the full 55 minutes of the show without commercial interruption.  This format, according to the station manager, will be used to target the key market in that time slot:  folks who just want white noise to help them fall asleep in their beds.  Negotiations are underway with Joe “the Monotone” Barker to host the show by just drivelling nonsense continuously for 55 minutes, while old-fashioned telephones ring off-the-hook in the background manned by a panel of drones.  Joe has plenty of experience, and has hosted several interminable PBS pledge drives in the past 5 years with a droopy style that fits the new concept perfectly.

The station believes this talk format will be much more effective than the comedian format in terms of accomplishing the true goal:  doze-off.  They are confident that they can get a 90% konk-out performance within a 30-minute sleep timer.  The station has tested the concept with office staff people, and found most dozing off in 10-15 minutes listening to Joe, even during daylight hours with several pots of coffee at hand.  “We believe this will also make our viewers healthier by getting up to 30 minutes more sleep per night, and waking up more refreshed and energized,” the station manager said.

NBC is paying attention, has gotten the lowdown on the Bizarreville concept, and is rumored to be studying something similar…especially in light of Leno and O’Brien telling them to stick the Tonight Show up their ass.   NBC has a stable full of mellow-voice yawnable candidates for hosting such a show, who cut their teeth in their limpy News department and have been putting the public asleep for years.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

A federal judge issued an order yesterday requiring both national political parties to change their names, as a matter of what he called “truth in advertising”.  The Democrats will be required to change their name to the Spendocrats, and the Republicans will be forced to change to the ReSpendicans prior to their 2010 political campaigns.  This was in response to a class-action lawsuit charging that both parties have been total imbeciles when it comes to spending discipline, with no apparent plans to rein it in…and seem oblivious to the problem as they dance through their field of daisies on Capitol hill.

Needless to say, both parties were outraged and have responded that there is no way in hell a judge has authority to make such an order.  Furthermore, they have both said that they are not spendaholics as some have charged, nor do they take hard drugs that would cause them to hallucinate that they are actually balancing annual budgets.  The Spendocrats and ReSpendicans have both stated unequivocally that it is 100% the fault of their predecessors who put them in this hole, and claim that it is only through enormously hard work and dedication that the fiscal situation isn’t in a bigger hole than it is now. 

The judge countered with an expletive, then cautioned that if they fail to comply, the parties will be in contempt of court and will suffer appropriate consequences, which may include selective disqualification from November contests.  He recommended making the change quickly, so that new logos can be designed and new flyers, brochures, posters, and other nonsensical paraphenalia can be printed prior to the primary races.  The judge even doodled some possible logo ideas with old-fashioned cash register themes during closing arguments of the case to keep from falling asleep… which he gave to party leaders, gratis.  “Emphasize your strength, boys,” he commented cynically just before he left the courtroom.

The judge had further ordered that all party leaders would have to either (a) resign, or (b) attend remedial arithmetic classes at nearby Shmeldmore Elementary School, under the tutelage of mean Miss Funkenheimer.  The 68-year old codgery math teacher has successfully taught over 1000 students in her career, some of whom were even dumber than these guys.  “She can teach total bozos how to do basic math, but may need to bust a lot of knuckles in the process,” the judge said.

When it was revealed that Harry Reid had uttered a racially-insensitive comment about then Candidate Obama during the 2008 campaign, he quickly got an audience with Obama to offer an apology.  The shrill/quacky apology was taped and broadcast nationwide…and, as it turned out, the audio was picked up by the executives of the Aflac insurance company.  Aflac had been looking for someone or something to replace their aging duck mascot, and associated worn-out advertising theme which had run its course into the ground.  But they wanted a transitional approach to avoid pissing-off their duck-lover customer base, which surprisingly makes up a large percentage of total sales.

The think they found their man.  Harry’s quack-barking apology excited the Aflac leaderships team, “He looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and…well, performs like a genuine quack to boot.  What more could you ask for in a duck surrogate?”

Aflac, which supplies supplemental employee benefit insurance to various companies, sees another benefit of courting Harry…possibly getting the inside track on some of the new Health Care provisions.  Aflac admitted that they had been nervous about their future in the upcoming Obamacare world.  But they think if they suck-up to ole Harry, he might make Aflac supplemental coverage part of their freebie package to everyone.

Aflac hopes they can ink the deal within the next couple weeks, before other firms discover his amazing quacking talent.  He was asked to quack “Aflac” a few times over the phone during the recent phone interview, and performed flawlessly.  “I thought I was talking to a real duck, honestly,” commented Aflac’s executive duck recruiter.  “He may be a jerkbag senator, but, my, what a duck talent!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

The Bizarreville International Cliche Association has voted “The Buck Stops Here” as the winner of the most ambiguous, wimpified cliche of 2010.  Association Chairman Max Mumpf admitted  that the President’s applying the cliche recently to the Christmas Underwear Bomber followup fiasco was the clincher.  The “Wimpy” trophy will be awarded at a special Rose Garden ceremony next week.

Last year’s winning cliche, as most will recall, was “Give it 110 percent”.  This cliche was hailed for the beauty in its ambiguity…concerning what numerical value constituted Full Effort by an employee.  It was beautiful to watch the judges debating, some thinking 110 percent was more than full effort, while some thought it was less than full effort.  It was also given a Special Award as the most de-motivating little phrase of the past 100 years. 

The Buck Stops Here is a famous cliche that goes back to the Truman administration, where it was used to denote that passing the buck (or blame for a bad decision) would end with Truman.  During those times, however, its context would have much too tough-minded, not nearly wet & wimpy enough to be a finalist for the Cliche Assn award.  The committee took into consideration that President Obama has personally redefined this formerly tough, historically-significant cliche and turned it into a milk toast of total ambiguity and confusion.  That made it a clear winner in the 2010 competition.

The judges noted that the President further ambiguated the cliche by making totally vague what the word “here” meant.  They were particularly impressed because normally the word Here is clear, straight-forward, and so difficult to make ambiguous.  Here is here, right here. “It takes a real silver-tongued devil to say Here, and mean ‘maybe here, maybe there, maybe Timbuktu, maybe nowhere’,” said the head judge.  “Most impressive bit of word-dodging since Clinton’s ‘depend on what the definition of is is’ fiasco.  Brilliant.  Bravo.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the crazy ones that sound like they could be real.