bizarreville

Law enforcement authorities report that the infamous islamo-terrorists currently incarcerated at the military prison in Gitmo will soon be transferred to Bizarreville’s Furk Prison.  The new prisoners will enjoy full rights of any slug or sleazeball that is detained there.

This move was quite a pleasant surprise for Bizarreville Prisons Inc, who had been courting various other entities to build the sagging population of Furk Prison.  The prison has been on hard times in recent decades.  Once a bastion of maximum security and nastiness, the campus had fallen into disrepair, failing to modernize with new fitness gyms, high-tech kitchens, olympic-size pools, and flat-screen televisions with satellite sports packages that most modern prison facilities have come to expect.  The prison population continued to dwindle as more and more cons demanded transfers or just died.  A new warden was brought in 6 months ago, pledging to rebuild Furk and regain its status as a first-rate, 5-star slammer.  A new chef was brought in who used to slop hash at Sing-Sing…could make a tasty meatloaf out of meat byproducts.

Inmates are strongly objecting to this move.  They had enjoyed the year-round sunny climate where they could enjoy outdoor sports such as polo and squash…or even sun-bathing at the beach.  But this move to a freaking cold place has been an unpopular concept, where they will be certain to be freezing their gujingas off while shooting hoops on an iced-over asphalt parking lot.  “Go away and mind your own business, you a$$#%!*$,” commented Oflunkee dur Monkee, the mastermind of 6 subway bombings and inventor of the dastardly fart-bomb.  “Crank up those BeeGee songs at 2am…we’re all learning how to disco.”

Citizens have had mixed reactions to the new inmates…many concerned about these dirtbags having “friends” out in public who will vow retaliation, but others very happy that this has created over 100 new jobs for prison guards, food servers, and janitors of various kind.  The Chamber of Commerce has come out strongly in favor of the move, and continues to comb the globe to look for other crap-bags that people don’t want in order to fill the prison…possibly even expand the prison in the years to come.  “This could be our future, our niche,”  cited the Chamber president, lighting up a previously-smoked cigar.

Bizarreville reporters are on the scene in Copenhagen covering news of a mob, roughly estimated at 100 thousand people, marching in protest at the Global Warming conference.  Marchers claim that the weeny-fied global leaders were not doing nearly enough to quell the trend in global warming that will doom our planet.

The frigid weather caused thousands of the disgruntlage to be hospitalized, mostly for frostbite, but some for hypothermia.  Many of the knucklehead-fringe spurned overcoats, and came out in tank tops and bermuda shorts for the benefit of the cameras…apparently to illustrate the parching effect of green house gases.  To further illustrate, they used some “sunburn red” colored spray-on tan goop to give them a Heat Stroke look.  Medical authorities said that this spray crap probably accelerated the onsite of frostbite.  It also seemed to mask the purpleness in their extremities, causing a few finger tips to crumble off.

Several protesters showed up with candles and torches, but the torch-bearers were malled by marchers.  Their torches were quickly commandeered to provide thawing for the iced keisters and frosty jamungas in the crowd.  This sparked-off riots, and police showed up in riot gear and tear gas canisters.  There were many complaints about the tear gas, but the police chief responded, “The tear gas canisters did not emit any greenhouse gas whatsoever when they went off.”

The Leader of the Global Warming protest movement took the stage later in the day to speak to his followers. 

” I am s-s-s-so h-h-happy that you all have j-j-j-joined this critical m-m-m-movement,” he said as his teeth chattered like a 1966 IBM Selectric typewriter.  “Lets-s-s-s not allow this gl-gl-global warm-m-m-ming trend to go unch-ch-ch-challenged.  Geez, does anyone have any friggin’ c-c-c-coffee around this place?  Get a flunky to run over to that S-S-Starbucks there and get me a Venti…make it two…chop, chop.”

Bizarreville leaders made another impassioned plea to the Pakistan leadership group to ask for their help in fighting Taliban in their border areas with Afghanistan.  In particular, they would like to find one of the new up and coming Taliban leaders Oscummo bin Shizbak, who has been sending Facebook messages and instructions to Islamo-terrorists worldwide.  Fortunately, not too many people have signed onto his Facebook because he is so darn butt ugly.  Rumor is he’s now trying to set up his Facebook page without a face.

Pakistan leaders have refused to provide help in the past.  “We don’t want to go in those freaking, nasty, allah-forsaken ghettos…nor any of those rabies-infested moldy caves,” said a Paki spokesman.  “You kidding?  If Oscummo or any of his revolting buddies shows up in Islamabad, we’ll cuff ’em and stuff ’em.”  Syndicated reruns of Hawaii Five-O just made it to Pakistan. 

But they’re not expecting Oscummo or his chums to show.  Talibanners rarely venture into big cities.  “They’re the Mother of all Dirt Bags.  They never buy new clothes, or for that matter, even clean the clothes they wear.”  They don’t bother with what they call capitalist luxuries like taking baths or other acts of personal hygiene.  They can fart, and no one can even tell.  “Soap, what’s that?  More infidel foolishness and waste,” Oscummo once said addressing a crowd at an Afghanistan soccer game that he was referreeing. 

Pakistan authorities reiterated that these creeps avoid cities like the bubonic plague (which ironically has recently outbroken in some of their filthy camps).  “If you see a Taliban in a city, he’s probably there to suicide bomb something.”

The crusty old codgers sitting around the hot stove on a chilly day at the Bizarreville General Store were once again philosophizing about the state of the world.  The topic turned to the latest Climate Gate fiasco.

“It’s about time that moronic Global warming crap has finally been debunked.  Look at these purple fingers, would you.  My keister is so frosty you could instantly chill a PBR between my cheeks.  I can’t stop my dentures from chattering…they’re wanting to walk right out of my mouth.  Feel these ears…on second thought, don’t …you might bust off a piece.”

“Global warming….ha!  I saw that movie by that Gore fella…what was it called?  An Incontinent truth?  If that guy’s not pink, then I’m Mother Teresa.  I think old Gore B. Choff wants to be the next World Enviro-czar, and go around locking the doors on power plant that emit carbon dioxide.  Hey, Comrade Gore, you emit carbon dioxide…how ’bout if we lock your mouth?”

“Yeah, there’s a leader who knows how to walk the walk….as he jet-sets around the world, then takes his Caddy SUV to his 6-gazillion square foot mansion with 8 air conditioning units, 4 hot water heaters, and 13 crappers…then writes an article about how we should all tighten up our portholes and conserve.  Revolution by proxy.  Che Guevara in a 3-piece Armani suit with monogrammed “CG” shift cuffs.  Power to the People, baby. Pass me my decaf latte.  Ciao.”

“The truth is coming out that the science used in these studies may have been a bit flawed, a tad massaged.  Ooops, my calculator spit out the wrong number, not my fault.  I threw that dern thing out, and bought a new one now.  Will do better next time, trust me.”

“Yeah….or, oooops, I thought that was a nine instead of a zero.  I think my poodle must have dropped a little surprise on the data sheet.   My bad.  No dessert tonight.”

“Oooops, my Assistant sneezed on the graph and thought that glob was a real data point.   I put out a memo to all personnel – No more sneezing in the Analytical Lab, or you will be reprimanded.”

The sarcasm was getting pretty obnoxious, so the store manager finally kicked-out the old goats.  They were scaring away real customers.

The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down.  And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities.  But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place.  Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up.  Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.

But Elmo Mohammed has an idea.  He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park?  An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world?  Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?

“It would be more than just rides.  It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island.  It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.

“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls.  The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it.  May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.

“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp.  Guests could join right in:  Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals.  Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra?  Wow.”

The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical.  Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time.  Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.

In a recent interview with Randy Spurn, the head of Bizarreville’s largest service employees union, the BSEIU, our reporter probed into his deep beliefs on capitalism vis-a-vis other economic models.

“The problem basically goes back 223 years when those crazies in Philadelphia drafted up that Declaration thing.  They were all reading the radical teachings of that nutball Adam Smith, who ushered in this whole free-market, competitive structure, willy-nilly independence thing.  I think Smith was probably some kind of 18th century drug kingpin, or something.  You know, before that, there were rules.  And there were heavies right at hand to bust some chops of any rule-breakers.  Bottom line:  it worked.

“And now we’re seeing the fall-out from these 223 years of party/orgy/greed.  You see poor people in the ghetto who can only afford one measly flat-screen HD television, who have to buy ground chuck instead of ground round, and who must scrimp and save just to be able to afford two lousy packs of cigarettes a day.  Many are cutting back weekly lottery ticket purchases to under $25/week.  It’s tough out there.

“Even my people in the Union with our lousy pensions are having to wait until they’re 57 or 58 years old before they can retire.  Meanwhile, they’re busting their backs working 40 hours a week with only 4 or 5 breaks during the day…then getting criticized and harassed just because they happen to enjoy occasional sluff-off time at work.  Who doesn’t enjoy a little sluff time?  I mean, come on.

“And it’s all because these greedy CEOs are skimming the cream.  Yeah sure, they claim they work 80 hour weeks, 7-days a week, Blackberried to every little thing that happens….baaaah.  They’re all a bunch of crooks taking advantage of my dear members just because they’re uneducated, unskilled, uncoordinated, and smell kinda bad.  It’s discrimination, and needs to stop now.”

Shortly after the interview, Spurn was taken back to his rest home (paid for with BSEIU union dues), where he was administered his normal medications.

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.