December 16th, 2009
Gitmo prisoners going to Furk
Law enforcement authorities report that the infamous islamo-terrorists currently incarcerated at the military prison in Gitmo will soon be transferred to Bizarreville’s Furk Prison. The new prisoners will enjoy full rights of any slug or sleazeball that is detained there.
This move was quite a pleasant surprise for Bizarreville Prisons Inc, who had been courting various other entities to build the sagging population of Furk Prison. The prison has been on hard times in recent decades. Once a bastion of maximum security and nastiness, the campus had fallen into disrepair, failing to modernize with new fitness gyms, high-tech kitchens, olympic-size pools, and flat-screen televisions with satellite sports packages that most modern prison facilities have come to expect. The prison population continued to dwindle as more and more cons demanded transfers or just died. A new warden was brought in 6 months ago, pledging to rebuild Furk and regain its status as a first-rate, 5-star slammer. A new chef was brought in who used to slop hash at Sing-Sing…could make a tasty meatloaf out of meat byproducts.
Inmates are strongly objecting to this move. They had enjoyed the year-round sunny climate where they could enjoy outdoor sports such as polo and squash…or even sun-bathing at the beach. But this move to a freaking cold place has been an unpopular concept, where they will be certain to be freezing their gujingas off while shooting hoops on an iced-over asphalt parking lot. “Go away and mind your own business, you a$$#%!*$,” commented Oflunkee dur Monkee, the mastermind of 6 subway bombings and inventor of the dastardly fart-bomb. “Crank up those BeeGee songs at 2am…we’re all learning how to disco.”
Citizens have had mixed reactions to the new inmates…many concerned about these dirtbags having “friends” out in public who will vow retaliation, but others very happy that this has created over 100 new jobs for prison guards, food servers, and janitors of various kind. The Chamber of Commerce has come out strongly in favor of the move, and continues to comb the globe to look for other crap-bags that people don’t want in order to fill the prison…possibly even expand the prison in the years to come. “This could be our future, our niche,” cited the Chamber president, lighting up a previously-smoked cigar.
