bizarreville

The new Bizarreville OSHA Secretary met with reporters Wednesday, boldly claiming there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s meanin’ to gun down anyone in his path.  This message was initially not received well by his supporters who generally favor total gun control, whining that they would have appreciated a different metaphor.  It was even worse when he showed up to the news conference in spats, a cowboy hat covering his mullet, and a 2-pistol holster…even walked a little bowlegged, adding to the shear pathetic-ness of his look.  Tsk, tsk, good lord!

Arthur Shlonk, the new OSHA “sheriff”, spouted there would be tougher enforcement, bigger fines with more findings of willful violations, and other  sanctions against reckless companies.  Puddle of water on the plant floor?  Willful violation, max penalty.  Shlonk has written a 500-page manifesto, affectionately known in industry circles as “Rules of Obnoxion”, specifying uber-protective measures well beyond the nth-degree so that “even a bumbling idiot could not get hurt.”  A cynic in the crowd replied, “Easy for him to say…he hasn’t seen our new crop of hyper-bumbling idiots.”

Millions of dollars will need to be spent on fixes considered ‘worthless wastes of money’ in the past.  But Shlonk claims those designations were just cop-outs, spoken by safe-ophobes.  When challenged by a reporter about providing data/specifics on this cop-out charge or cost/benefit analysis he employed, Shlonk gave the reporter the finger.  “Here’s your analysis.”

Shlonk favors, training, retraining, and re-retraining as a critical part of his agenda on such things as how to walk and chew gum without tripping, which side of a chainsaw to hold, and what to do when the alarm goes off telling people to get the  f*#!&  out of here.  It’s what he calls Back to Basics approach.  “You can’t just rely on people’s common sense.  No sir.  That would be considered irresponsible in my book, pard’ner,” said the sheriff reverting back to ‘character’ for a brief moment.

Industry response has been surpisingly positive to this new aggressive OSHA plan of attack.  A spokesman for Berfnerd Industries said, “Good news.  We were at the indifference point on expanding our factory in Bizarreville…but this latest pile of dog dollop has made the decision to invest overseas a slam dunk.  Thank you, Mr Shlonk, for tipping the balance with your lard.”

Another company, Clamordoink Inc., has decided to pull up stakes altogether and move to China.  “They’ve been courting us for a couple years.  Offered a 20-year exemption from all environmental and workplace safety rules.  20 years…no knucklebrain regulations, no twerp-parade unannounced inspections, no 1000-page bullshoi permits, no lawyers to figure the whole mess out then louse it up anyway.  It’s like heaven, baby.  Sayonara…or should I say, zai jian, OSHA dweebs.  Put that in your bong and smoke it.”

Sensing there was some leakage wisping among the Dems in the Bizarreville Senate on the upcoming Health Care vote, Leader Harry Dweed took decisive action.  He needed a professional, skilled at driving alignment.  Dweed brought in Shlembo, the circus lion-tamer, with a reputation for taking the meanest, nastiest, most ornery beasts and breaking their wills.

Shlembo is highly skilled in using 2 whips in his taming technique.  Allegedly, Shlembo can snap an unfiltered Camel cigarette out of a Senator’s mouth before he can exhale one ounce of secondary smoke.  He can pick off a single curly hair with one swift crack.  He claims he can have these stubborn hold-outs dancing the hokey-pokey in their underwear by vote time.

Some blue dog Dems are understandably in a bit of a pinch….they are stuck between supporting their loyal, loving constituents back home versus sucking up to Harry.  “It’s so darn difficult when your core values are fluid,” said one unnamed wind blowee.  “In today’s world, you absolutely must keep your belief system flexible.  Hey, just last night I had a talk with my family about converting to Scientology so we could be more hip.  I ordered a chicken sandwich at a MacDonald’s for lunch when I saw the lousy poll ratings on Burger-eater favorability.  Just made the big move to boxers.  It’s all about being smart.”

Dweed thinks Shlembo will snap these coreless wonders into shape and get their thinking straight.  “Either that or they’re gonna have some sore backsides,”  Dweed is serious as a heart attack on this issue.  “Socialized medicine is the most critical fundamental building block in our drive to expunge the old capitalistic ways.  We can’t let it all fall apart because a couple confused dingleberries forgot how to wipe their  a$$#*!$.”

Law enforcement authorities report that the infamous islamo-terrorists currently incarcerated at the military prison in Gitmo will soon be transferred to Bizarreville’s Furk Prison.  The new prisoners will enjoy full rights of any slug or sleazeball that is detained there.

This move was quite a pleasant surprise for Bizarreville Prisons Inc, who had been courting various other entities to build the sagging population of Furk Prison.  The prison has been on hard times in recent decades.  Once a bastion of maximum security and nastiness, the campus had fallen into disrepair, failing to modernize with new fitness gyms, high-tech kitchens, olympic-size pools, and flat-screen televisions with satellite sports packages that most modern prison facilities have come to expect.  The prison population continued to dwindle as more and more cons demanded transfers or just died.  A new warden was brought in 6 months ago, pledging to rebuild Furk and regain its status as a first-rate, 5-star slammer.  A new chef was brought in who used to slop hash at Sing-Sing…could make a tasty meatloaf out of meat byproducts.

Inmates are strongly objecting to this move.  They had enjoyed the year-round sunny climate where they could enjoy outdoor sports such as polo and squash…or even sun-bathing at the beach.  But this move to a freaking cold place has been an unpopular concept, where they will be certain to be freezing their gujingas off while shooting hoops on an iced-over asphalt parking lot.  “Go away and mind your own business, you a$$#%!*$,” commented Oflunkee dur Monkee, the mastermind of 6 subway bombings and inventor of the dastardly fart-bomb.  “Crank up those BeeGee songs at 2am…we’re all learning how to disco.”

Citizens have had mixed reactions to the new inmates…many concerned about these dirtbags having “friends” out in public who will vow retaliation, but others very happy that this has created over 100 new jobs for prison guards, food servers, and janitors of various kind.  The Chamber of Commerce has come out strongly in favor of the move, and continues to comb the globe to look for other crap-bags that people don’t want in order to fill the prison…possibly even expand the prison in the years to come.  “This could be our future, our niche,”  cited the Chamber president, lighting up a previously-smoked cigar.

The Bizarreville Stimulus Funding Disbursement Dept announced that there are 4300 agencies/companies who had received economic stimulus handouts, but failed to fill out the proper reports on what they are actually doing with the money.  While it only accounts for $25 to 30 billion of the total, it’s still a significant problem, according to the department.

Part of the problem, admits the department, was known in advance.  “Many billions were given to groups of illiterate ignoramuses and/or people who can barely speak the English language, let alone write it,” said a spokesman.  “How could we possibly expect these ignorant people to fill out reports?”  When it was suggested that the reports are extremely simple, easy enough for a D-student 2nd grader to fill out, the spokesman responded, “What’s your point?”

Some other firms simply said that they do not have time or resources to complete the reports.  They claim they are too busy spending the money to be able to sit someone down to fill out paperwork.  But they have come up with a solution:  earmark some extra stimulus funds just to fill out reports.  “One bil…two at most…should cover it,”  reported a stimulee.  “Maybe three, if we hire a staff of graphic artists to make the reports visually appealing.”

Some other firms claimed they were unable to get logged-onto the website to get the report template.  But department computer geeks cyber-investigated that story, reporting that they are unmitigated liars.  The geeks can show electronic proof that, yes, they did log-in, and yes, they did download the report templates.  The department is contemplating cutting off funding to these liars, but as of yet have found no legal grounds to halt the gravy train.  They suspect that funds are being totally misused, but can find no definition distinguishing “good use” from “misuse” in the bill.

Bizarreville reporters are on the scene in Copenhagen covering news of a mob, roughly estimated at 100 thousand people, marching in protest at the Global Warming conference.  Marchers claim that the weeny-fied global leaders were not doing nearly enough to quell the trend in global warming that will doom our planet.

The frigid weather caused thousands of the disgruntlage to be hospitalized, mostly for frostbite, but some for hypothermia.  Many of the knucklehead-fringe spurned overcoats, and came out in tank tops and bermuda shorts for the benefit of the cameras…apparently to illustrate the parching effect of green house gases.  To further illustrate, they used some “sunburn red” colored spray-on tan goop to give them a Heat Stroke look.  Medical authorities said that this spray crap probably accelerated the onsite of frostbite.  It also seemed to mask the purpleness in their extremities, causing a few finger tips to crumble off.

Several protesters showed up with candles and torches, but the torch-bearers were malled by marchers.  Their torches were quickly commandeered to provide thawing for the iced keisters and frosty jamungas in the crowd.  This sparked-off riots, and police showed up in riot gear and tear gas canisters.  There were many complaints about the tear gas, but the police chief responded, “The tear gas canisters did not emit any greenhouse gas whatsoever when they went off.”

The Leader of the Global Warming protest movement took the stage later in the day to speak to his followers. 

” I am s-s-s-so h-h-happy that you all have j-j-j-joined this critical m-m-m-movement,” he said as his teeth chattered like a 1966 IBM Selectric typewriter.  “Lets-s-s-s not allow this gl-gl-global warm-m-m-ming trend to go unch-ch-ch-challenged.  Geez, does anyone have any friggin’ c-c-c-coffee around this place?  Get a flunky to run over to that S-S-Starbucks there and get me a Venti…make it two…chop, chop.”

Bizarreville Senate leader Harry Dweed has got the whole Health Care issue figured out.  He has, however, had to bank on a new, not yet fully recognized branch of Mathematics to make the numbers come out right…a branch he has named “Bizarreville Math”.  PhD mathematicians worldwide are scratching their collective heads to decipher the pretzel logic on this one.  It could be a candidate either for the Nobel Prize in Math, or the Gobel Prize in comedy.  We’ll see.

Dweed proposes to expand Medicare to people in the age group 55-64, whom he says desperately want to early retire from their boring, mundane 40 hour/week jobs.  “These people have golfing and gardening to do, and it’s getting harder to get it all done just on weekends,” Dweed advocated.

At the same time, Dweed proposed drastic cuts in Medicare coverage, such as limiting all hospital stays to 1 day max, and eliminating so-called “discretionary” procedures such as heart bypass surgery, hip replacements, and cataract surgery.  “There’s alternatives for all those procedures that are far cheaper,” said a lib senator who apparently owes Dweed a favor.  “My mother-in-law is a working example of 1 of those.  I just bought her a beautiful guide dog for 200 bucks.  That’s what we call ‘fiscal responsibility’ in our household.”

Dweed said that his program will make Medicare solvent once again, using Bizarreville Math concepts and fully endorsed by Bill Smith Accounting and Waste Disposal Services LLC.  Critics have challenged the analysis, but Bill Smith gave a simple answer on how it works.  “Senator Dweed just gave me the answer, and all I had to do was plug the numbers to make it come out right.  Could not have done this years ago.  But with new Microsoft Excel spreadsheet technology, it makes it so much easier to do the reverse math.”

Dweed responded that it’s not quite that simple.  He claims that he used sophisticated algorithms, linear regression, and multi-variate analysis of inputs to derive the proforma calculations.  “But I guess we came out with the same answer, so who cares?”

(thanks for the idea, Mark)

Bizarreville leaders had been trying to push through sweeping environmental legislation for several months.  But they faced dwindling public support, fueled by a barrage of resistance and disgruntlement from the uncaring industrial community…mostly those mean, heartless SOB’s who supply all that disgusting electrical power.  They would moan and groan about the billions of dollars that would have to be spent on installing exotic control equipment which would drive up all kinds of costs to the consumer to solve a problem that, admittedly, no one cares about.  Waah, waah, waah.

The Bizarreville Leaders were fed up with all this cry-baby arguing, and decided to be preemptive, drawing swords in preparation for rattling.  They announced at a National Chamber of Commerce meeting that the business community damn well better support Cap and ‘Fraid legislation, or face severe consequences, “consequences so harsh you could never imagine.”

The crowd at the meeting got rowdy, demanding to know the specific details of the threat.  The administration representatives refused and refused, but finally the pressure became too great.  “If you fail to sign this piece of paper stating that you will support the Cap and ‘Fraid law, if you outright defiantly refuse to do this minor thing to support your environment and the environment of your kids and grandkids….then we will contact your Mother-in-laws.  We will get your mother-in-laws onboard to nag you to death until you sign a support affadavit.  That’s right.  Full court nag press:  why won’t you sign it, are you too good to sign it, is there something wrong with your brain, I don’t know why on earth my Emma ever married a bum like you, you should sign it, sign it right now, I think you have a drinking problem and that’s why you won’t sign it, you are such a pathetic loser, do you need some Viagra to get you to sign it…”

A cruel threat indeed….but one that appears to be effective.  Several business leaders have been arriving at the EPA office with soiled pants, and have knuckled under and signed on.  “Mean, just plain below-the-belt freaking mean,” commented the CEO of Belchnard Edison, as he scribbled an illegible signature.

Bizarreville leaders made another impassioned plea to the Pakistan leadership group to ask for their help in fighting Taliban in their border areas with Afghanistan.  In particular, they would like to find one of the new up and coming Taliban leaders Oscummo bin Shizbak, who has been sending Facebook messages and instructions to Islamo-terrorists worldwide.  Fortunately, not too many people have signed onto his Facebook because he is so darn butt ugly.  Rumor is he’s now trying to set up his Facebook page without a face.

Pakistan leaders have refused to provide help in the past.  “We don’t want to go in those freaking, nasty, allah-forsaken ghettos…nor any of those rabies-infested moldy caves,” said a Paki spokesman.  “You kidding?  If Oscummo or any of his revolting buddies shows up in Islamabad, we’ll cuff ’em and stuff ’em.”  Syndicated reruns of Hawaii Five-O just made it to Pakistan. 

But they’re not expecting Oscummo or his chums to show.  Talibanners rarely venture into big cities.  “They’re the Mother of all Dirt Bags.  They never buy new clothes, or for that matter, even clean the clothes they wear.”  They don’t bother with what they call capitalist luxuries like taking baths or other acts of personal hygiene.  They can fart, and no one can even tell.  “Soap, what’s that?  More infidel foolishness and waste,” Oscummo once said addressing a crowd at an Afghanistan soccer game that he was referreeing. 

Pakistan authorities reiterated that these creeps avoid cities like the bubonic plague (which ironically has recently outbroken in some of their filthy camps).  “If you see a Taliban in a city, he’s probably there to suicide bomb something.”

The Bizarreville Job Summit is concluding, and the roundtable of guys-with-briefcases (i.e. experts) participated in good constructive debates on how to best stimulate job growth.  Their answer:  infrastructure improvements.

The first infrastructure priority will be to revamp the entire Bizarreville sewer system, which has badly deteriorated over the decades from the high acid content of our citizens’ urine.  In the past, however, it has been difficult to embark on the sewer project for two reasons:  (1) too little funding available to pay for the project, (2) too much foul odor to attract good mechanics to fix the problems.  The first issue:  no problem.  But the second issue is still a big concern, and may ultimately require some out-of-the-pipe thinking.

“I’m not friggin’ Ed Norton,” said one journeyman after refusing to traipse down the manhole.  “I looked down there in that yellow river and almost passed out after 15 seconds.  What have these people been eating around here?”

“One of my buddies used to work in the sewers 10 years ago.  And you know what?  He still stinks.  That’s right…you can still smell sewer on him.  Even if he puts on after-shave, he just smells like cinnamon-scented crap.”

Leaders say that they will not be dissuaded by the working condition issue, and vowed to pull out their checkbooks to find some shmucks/ any shmucks who will slop in the defilement for a price.  “May cost a couple hundred bucks an hour, but by God, we’ll find low-lifes with low scruples who’ll do it,” said a spokesman.  “We may not get high-skills, but we’ll make up for it with more warm bodies.  Hey, that’ll reduce unemployment even more.” 

When asked about training these subtrained workers, he replied,  “I can teach my grammaw how to weld pipe.  Granny’d probably do a better job than these ‘I’m too good for sewers’ prima-donnas anyway.”

One of the first items on the agenda at the upcoming Copenhagen Climate Summit will be carbon footprints.  It is expected to be a very emotionally-charged discussion, spurred by the list of impressive celebrities who will be attending…stately world leaders from all over the globe, renowned scientists, and a rich assortment of numb-nut goofballs from Hollywood.  Critics have argued to keep the air-heads from La-la-land out of the summit, since they know absolutely, positively nothing about the subject.  But others argue neither do all the other wankers who will be there…so what?

The crux of the discussions will be where to put these carbon footprints.  A spokesman for the Hollywooders argued that they should be placed on Hollywood Boulevard right along side the Hollywood Walk of Fame footprints.  “That way, tourists can see all the movie stars that have made this country great, right alongside the nasty mother  f%*##&$  from the heavy polluting industries and power plants who have brought this country down with all their filth belching.”

Prince Charles is expected to be at the summit and may argue to put the footprints in Piccadilly Circus.  “After all, England has had centuries of blackening the daytime sky, while you Yankees were still shooting buffaloes with bloody bows and arrows,” shouted a reporter from a London newspaper.

Third world countries are certain to get into the mix…with legitimate claims that they have never done anything whatsoever to control factory pollution, have no plans to do so in the future, and have actually executed people right in the street who have even suggested adopting environmental controls.  One negative, however, would be that many of them have no sidewalks, so would have to plunk the footprints down in the mud, goop and manure.

Clearly it will be a bloodbath fight.  But in the end, the issue will be decided by a Climate Summit Subcommittee, comprised of an assortment of enlightened grass sniffers and grass smokers.  They will weigh the pros, weigh the cons…and probably weigh a few other things while they’re at it.