December 5th, 2009
Unemployment tidal wave appears to have crested
Bizarreville updated Labor data was just released, indicating that unemployment is down a whopping 0.2 points to 10.0%, and Leaders are starting the back-patting to celebrate the corner being turned. Critics argue that this pathetically miniscule change is not nearly enough to declare victory, but Labor Dept officials point out several other key barometers suggesting a turning tide:
- Lines at the Unemployment office are down from 2.00 blocks long, to 1.98 blocks
- Obscenities/verbal assaults on Unemployment office workers after they ask “how hard are you trying to find a job”: down from 73 per 100 applicants to 69 per 100 applicants
- Chair kickings down from 23/day to 17/day
- Odor alert factor inside the Unemployment office building is subjective, but still rated “Red” (very putrid, processed cabbage/beer fart)
- Average grumble noise is down about 0.5 decibels, but mumble factor is slightly up
- Slightly offset by Unemployee line pushings: up from 18 per hour to 20 per hour
Laid-off scientists who formerly worked in Global Warming Research Labs are evaluating these key trends and triggers. They will then devise data massaging plans, fact manipulations, and pretzel logic to provide rhetoric for Bizarreville Leaders to communicate to the public as “hard facts”, then further use the information to rationalize the next wave of bailouts and economic stimulus bills.
“These scientists have proven track records, and we are confident that they can gin up what we need. Plus they have a high sense of urgency, having recently been canned themselves, to help devise some sort of newfangled programs to keep them on the dole,” said an administration spokesman.
