bizarreville

As the population continues to see the rich wisdom of Universal Health Care, the next logical step would be Universal Food Stamps.  After all, what good is health care if you can’t eat?  And in the world of Obamanomics, it all makes perfect sense.

All citizens would be issued enough Universal Food Stamps (UFS) to provide 3 squares a day.  However, shoppers would only be able to use them on certain kinds of food items…which will be called “Common Food”.  Examples of common food:  burger, dogs/sausages, corn flakes, frozen pizzas, generic colas, white bread, canned veggies, skim milk, ramen noodles, and twinkies.  Stamps cannot be used on any so-called high-end items like steak, shrimp, fresh veggies, ice cream, multi-grain buns, taco chips, or anything with chocolate (except CocoPuffs).  TV dinners, pot pies, and lunch meat are still questionable on whether they would be covered.

Obamanomic theory suggest that, in time, the high-end products will become extinct.  Citizens will be hard-pressed to rationalize spending good, hard cash for center-cut pork chops when they can get turkey burger for free.  The cash groceries will start to rot on the shelves and meat cases, as the UFS stuff gets whisked out the door.  Large food manufacturers will quickly grasp the futility of producing high-end products, and will shift production to common food brands.  Cash grocery brands will soon be produced by only a small handful of tiny, boutique manufacturers who will be forced to price their items out the ying yang.  The hope, of course, is that these renegade manufacturers will eventually be squeezed out by virtue of a continually dwindling market of stubborn cash buyers.  And naturally, as companies squeeze out, prices will skyrocket even further until only billionaires will be cash buyers, if there are any of them left.

The Universal Food Stamp concept has gained widespread support from the Generic Food Association, the Screw-the-Rich Club, the Committee for Universal Fairness, and the No Tea For Me Party.  The administration has tried to gain the support of the United Food Workers Union, but union officials have stated that they are a bit skeptical and need more time to review the concept details.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including the economic theories.

In the theory of Obamanomics, heavy industry is just plain undesirable.  Steel mills, paper mills, Febreeze plants, breweries, textile mills, auto plants are just ugly, stinky pockmarks on the landscape.  They cough up nasty micro-particles that kill fish and dogs.  They look so much better when they have been bulldozed, and replaced with nicely landscaped strip malls with free parking.  These old-fashioned edifices need to be moved to other spots on the globe where the inhabitants don’t know any better, and are stupid enough to actually welcome them with incentives.  Let ’em have ’em.  In fact, we will provide our own incentives to help them pack in a new program called “Pack and Blow”.  The destinkification of the nation will be applauded by not just enviro-whackos, but all citizens seeking a better something-or-other.

To help drive them out, Obamanomics has a foolproof strategy.  It starts with legislating some new “get tough” rules on the environmental front.  The government will partner with some liberal-leaning, research universities to concoct studies on the adverse health impacts of any kind of process emission…any kind os substance that could conceivably come out of a pipe or stack.  They will conduct thousands of government-sponsored laboratory studies subjecting test animals to concentrations 100 thousand times higher than normal, and watching them croak.  Pictures and video will be taken showing the disgusting deterioration of these previously lively creatures as their lungs fill up with various nasty gook.  When enough data has been gathered, final reports will be edited to properly slant the findings to support the conclusions sought.  Splashy liberal media coverage will be on hand as the government enacts new regs that are beyond tough, and clearly economically unachievable…obvious to even the dumbest CEO of a black smoke company.  All will watch gleefully as these companies spin around like tops trying to defend their right to spew nasty pollutants that will do such harm to kids, grammaws, and their pooches.  Protestors will be staged outside corporate offices wearing gas masks and wielding signs of babies wearing gas masks.  It will be great comedy under a pretense of seriousness.

The second step in the heavy industry purge plan is to invoke some new changes in national Labor rules.  This will start by requiring that all employees who take Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) absence get their full salary while away.  The current FMLA law is fairly punishing to companies as is, with plenty of goldbricks finding any excuse under the sun to lay out of work.  But making this goldbricking fully compensable will spur even more deadbeat workers to make their sore backs and grampaw’s hemmoroid condition a reason to shirk work.  Why work if you’re getting paid to stay home and watch soaps?  People will catch-on, absenteeism will skyrocket.

The next element is to step up OSHA wall-to-wall inspection audits of all manufacturing plants.  It has been proven that bringing in an army of OSHA inspectors for a month to any manufacturing plant will discover a long laundry list of alleged violations, which can (and should) result in hefty fines.  Followups every 6 months with more violations and fines will eventually persuade companies to shutter the facilities.  If, however, a facility is stubborn to closure, it may be necessary to step up the followup inspections to every 3 months…that should probably put them over the edge.  But in the rarest of cases, the ultra-stubborn manufacturers who just cannot see the light, it may be necessary to threaten them with criminal prosecution for “Willful” violations.  Any good OSHA inspector worth his/her salt should be able to connect the dots to take these followup inspection results, and create a Willful scenario of some sort.  Government lawyers will be dispatched to quickly develop the prosecution paths.  The fear of a little jail time will most certainly do the trick.

Replacing a smoke-belching manufacturing plant with a new modern strip mall probably creates more jobs than it loses, on balance.  Each small store in the strip mall will create 10-20 fresh new jobs.  A large anchor store might add 50-100 clean jobs…jobs where employees can come to work in dressy new fashions, rather than dungarees and stained tee-shirts.  It’s better for society in so many ways.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the lessons in economics.

The second lesson of Obamanomics is Spending Carpe Diem…focus on today, not tomorrow or all that future generation crap, when it comes to government spending.  After all, no one knows what will happen in the future.  For all we know, there could be nuke wars, health pandemics, or other global catastrophies.  Why tighten our belts too much now?  How sad would it be to scrimp, save, sacrifice, and economize now, only to then have a nuclear holocaust that made all that tightening meaningless and irrelevant.  Carpe diem is the answer.  Here are some of the specific elements of Spending carpe diem:

1. Stop measuring and reporting Budget deficits, trade deficits, and National Debt numbers.  These figures just get people rattled, needlessly so since they can do nothing about them.  Make these numbers “need to know” high-security clearance available only, mostly just accessible to Financial Ultra-geeks sworn to secrecy.

2. Ramp up all government spending on new bridges to nowhere, new interstate highways that can save 3-4 minutes on a 200-mile trip, new ditches needing dug, new painting of rusty stuff.  Expand these programs until we run out of bodies to do the work, even after importing all the illegal aliens who want to come here.

3. Get rid of all that Debt ceiling raising approval malarky.  It is undeniably a totally worthless process:  a bunch of knucklehead congresspeople pretending to be managing something that they’re not really managing.  Seriously?  Why expend energy on anything so meaningless?  Wheelspinning takes much too much work.  Raise it to infinity and forget about it.

4. Don’t fret about the kids/grandkids factor anymore.  Let them figure it out on their own when they get there.  Don’t spoil them with a cushy world that has all their problems solved.  Just makes them lazy.  Our forefathers had to fight to survive, eek out a living, solve major problems like all the manure buildup on muddy city streets; there’s very little manure on streets nowadays.  What other societal problems will the kids have to work on?  They’ll figure it out.

5. Give increases, perqs, and new benefits to all government civil servants.  They are, after all, servants of the people.  And even though they are servants, they almost never get a tip.  No 15% of the check, or 18% for parties of 5 or more.  All they get is a base wage, maybe some free coffee, doughnuts, a parking spot, and a couple dozen holidays per year.  We need to show them that we appreciate them.  No better way than boosting their salaries 20-25%.  It will make them happier, and certainly more productive as they push their endless piles of paperwork, file stuff by the traincar load, and unravel or re-ravel red tape.  And the raises will boost their demeanor as they don new smiling faces while dealing with citizens trying to get licenses, permits,and food stamps…no more of gruff old Bertha snapping heads off because their paperwork is filed incorrectly.

6. Expand all regulations and tighten all enforcement to provide jobs to permit writers, lawyers, and enforcement goons.  And, accompanying that will be new bulging administrative staffs to help these new government officials with various wiping functions.

7. Require every legal, semi-legal, and non-legal document to be notarized.  Make Notary Publics full time positions to increase jobs.  Establish some Notary-specialized colleges that offer advanced degrees in the art/science of notarizing.  Establish a new cabinet-level position, Secretary of Notarization Controls to ensure that non-notarized documents become a thing of the past.

The Spending Carpe Diem approach will reduce the stress and strain on stock markets worldwide.  With no data to get flustered about, markets can go back to just worrying about the success or patheticness of their respective business sectors.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the economic lessons.

Bizarreville will feature a series of economic lessons which will attempt to illustrate the principles of Obamanomics in order to better educate the public on how these elements will stir the economy to fast, sustainable growth for the short term and long term.  The first lesson is the Trickle-up theory.

First, we must debunk the preposterous trickle-down theory.  This flawed theory believed that tax benefits given to the high-end of the paying spectrum would incent these business leaders to invest the windfalls into expanding their businesses, creating more economic growth, new jobs, new research and development into product and service improvements.  Of course, as anyone can see, the truth is that the rich guys just squander the wealth on larger neo-xanadu’s, barns full of classic Oldsmobiles, ridiculous amounts of philanthropy that generate no wealth, 48-dollar aged steak entrees at their exclusive snooty clubs, and vacations at Bertha’s Vineyard.

A better theory is the Trickle-up theory.  This idea starts with giving big tax breaks to people who pay no tax.  Unquestionably, these dollars will immediately go into consumer spending for twinkies, bar tabs, Lotto tickets, premium brand cigarettes, Natty Lights, grazings at the golden corral troughs, and jaunts to ripoff casino boats…the foundations of sustainable economic growth.  But, more importantly, these immediate actions will then have ripple effects that will generate even higher economic activity:

– Increases in junk food consumption will generate rises in obesity, spurring escalated activity in weight-loss plans, and new clothing purchases as the old XL sizes no longer fit and must be replaced with 3XL.  Stretch pants that have gone beyond stretch limits will need to be discarded and upsized.

– Associated increases in medical treatment spending as heart disease, lung cancer, and diabetes rise.  Pharmaceutical R&D  spending will increase to find new cures for new epidemic-level ills and new surefire weight loss pills.

– Job growth, as the need for new cops rises to handle increasing drug trade, and WalMart fights between customers for that last flowery size 22 blouse or chintzy video game.

– Weapons and ammunition sales increases as people want additional personal protection from drug thugs and parking place stealers.

– Expanded garage sales, to redeploy newly outgrown clothing.

– Exciting upgrades to trailer homes, by purchase of new curtains, indoor/outdoor carpeting for living rooms, and cheesy landscape artwork for their simulated paneling walls…the latter spawning a new generation of low-end artists who previously had struggled getting real jobs due to lack of motivation and/or lack of desire to wake up early in the morning.

The new flurry of economic activity will prompt creation of new, innovative discount store concepts.  These new retailers will find new ways to merchandise bargain basement goods to a group seeking the ultimate discount on flimsy stuff they didn’t even know they needed.  Some discount chains may conceivably even add check-out cashiers to ease the mile-long check-out lines…although this is considered by many analysts to be wishful thinking.

The trickle-up theory is a more practical concept in that assumptions do not need to be made in terms of how the recipients will act on their new benefits.  The tricklers will spend them immediately, as their past practice has proven…no ifs, ands, maybes, or wait and sees.  Historical data has proven this behavior to be true:  that there will be no stash-aways into some future college fund, or rainy-day fund.  It will be spent, and spent quickly…and begin the leveraging effect of widespread economic activity that will produce jobs.  The trickle-up theory is one that more and more wise people are glomming onto, and represents a foundation of new progressive thought.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including economic lessons.

The President and his crack staff of econo-wizards have looked at the numbers:  10% unemployment, actually 17-18% including the underemployed and people who have thrown in the towel and given up trying.  Besides just being concerned, however, the team has decided to take firm action.  An Executive Order has been drafted which will require that everything that WalMart sells in this country must be made in this country.  No more ugly Chinese tie-dye t-shirts, Indian absorbent cotton jammies, or flabbergammers from Hoogivesacrapistan.  All merchandise, whether it be the semi-marginal quality stuff or the cheap, bargain-priced garbage futures, must be made here.

A WalMart spokesman responded that it is not fair to single out one retailer for this Executive Order…it should apply to all or none.  She claimed that this Order would force their “everyday low prices” to skyrocket up 30-40%, putting them at a disadvantage to KMart, Dollar Stores, and Fred’s Funktown Econo-village who all carry similar low-end crap.  “This could drive us into being forced to sell quality-manufactured goods, a business segment we have no knowledge or expertise in.  How can the Administration possibly be expecting us to toss away our successful business model, and plunge into such uncharted territory?”

A spokesman for the President countered that these assertions are not true.  “Our citizens can produce the same off-quality and marginally-acceptable merchandise as the Chinese or the Hoogivesacrapians.  Maybe even better…or worse, whatever the case may be.  The President is convinced that this Order will bring back into the workforce those hordes of workers who haven’t forgotten how to make over-priced, shoddy merchandise, and will be able to quickly regain those fumble skills, piss-poor attitudes, and “close enough, ship it” production behaviors that cannot be easily lost with just a few short years of mindless couch-sitting.

Melvin Farkwarf, a laid-off employee from Stumblebird Textiles and member of the Ironhead Workers United, agrees.  “I may have been a lazy, goof-off, unfocused, injury-prone dimwit when I was employed before.  But I believe now that I can work without getting hurt.  And that’s the main thing.  I now have a Can-Do attitude…at least when it comes to some things.”

“All they want is a chance,” CEO Cornelius Stumblebird said.  “Just give us a level playing field with those A$$#*les, and we’ll show what we can do.  We can make stuff people will buy.  Especially if they have, shall I say, limited choices.  Wait a minute…is this being recorded?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Reporter:  Sir, what would you say are some of your biggest accomplishments so far?

President:  Well….hmmmm….well we killed bin Laden.

Reporter:  That’s true.  Nice job.  Now what about the economy?  Unemployment is much higher than when you took office.  The dollar is as weak as my grammaw’s bicep, consumer confidence has gone from low to sub-pathetic, the stock market is on the verge of another collapsecution, deficit spending is like an ex-wife’s one last credit card binge.

President:  Yeah, but we killed bin Laden…boom, gone.

Reporter:  Great.  What about foreign policy?  Civil wars breaking out in Libya, the Mideast, many countries.   We are committing more and more troops with no real mission.  Greece, Italy, Spain ready to go to Dumpsterville.

President:  Okay.  But the world is safer without bin Laden.

Reporter:  Right.  Let’s get back to your reckless spending…so-called stimulus fiasco that had a profound anti-stimulus impact, irresponsible spending that appears to do nothing whatsoever to help the economy get well but seems to be helping your inner circle buddy system.  How do you respond to this utter failure that future generations will curse you for?

President:  I believe the stock market went up a couple points when we snuffed-out bin Laden.

Reporter:  Maybe.  But I was speaking of running up trillions in new deficits that can probably never be paid at the rate you’re going.  Debts that are incomprehensible to our citizens and the world community.

President: Will get better now that that nasty bin Laden is gone.  Did you see the pictures?  Yuck!!  It was either kill him or get him a makeover…wow.  Makeup, please…better wear gloves.  Yikes.

Reporter:  Yes, well when will it start getting better?  You’ve been in office 2.5 years, Mr. President and all you can say you accomplished is a poached bin Laden casserole.

President:  Why do you say “all”?  Bin Laden was a big deal.  And we got him.  Yes we did.  Boom, bang, right in the snoot.  Poof, gone, swimming with the fishes…glug, glug, glug.

Reporter:  Yes, sir.  How about job growth?  What are you planning to do to get jobs for people who are out of work, have been out of work, their factories closing down?

President:  There’d be a lot fewer jobs available if that bin Laden guy was still around.  A lot fewer.  He would have been bombing factories.  But don’t you worry.  We got him.  Factories are safe once again.  Yes…you’re welcome.

Reporter:  Simplifying the government?  Reforming a government that won’t bankrupt our kids and grandkids?  Putting lazies to work?  Any thought??

President:  Bin Laden, bin Laden, bin Laden.  Any more questions?  Thanks.  That’s a wrap.  I gotta take a whiz.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Plain and simple.

Leaders in the Bizarreville Congress got very perturbed this week when they learned that Congress’ approval rating reached a new low.  But they were even more concerned with the numbers:  a zero percent approval rating for the first time in history.  Naturally, they responded that there must be an error in the polling procedure…that there is no way that a zero was feasible, at least one person should have said they liked and approved of Congress.

“We’re confident in our reported numbers,” Ogden Murkrud of the Murkrud Poll responded.  “In fact, we expanded the number of people surveyed from our usual sample of 2 thousand surveyees to 237 thousand people.  But we were unable to find one single person who thought Congress was worth a crap.  One fellow, when asked whether he felt Congress was doing ‘adequate’, initially responded ‘Yes’.  However, turns out the respondent thought he had been asked if Congress ‘out to quit’.  He apologized, and said he needed to change the batteries in his hearing aid.”

Surveyed citizens seemed most upset about the so-called “Nothing from nothing equals nothing” debt/spending deal reached last week, which helped trigger a mega-drop in the stock market.  A group of 3rd graders from Stankville Elementary were asked if they could help the President and Congress figure out how to solve the nation’s increasing money problem.  “Stop spending so much,” one student replied.  “When my pet turtle Freddie started bloating up like an overblown balloon, I thought he was gonna die, with turtle guts spewed all over my bedroom.  I was really scared cuz I really like Freddie, even though he kinda stinks.  But so, I decided to stop feeding him so much turtle food every day, and now he’s back to normal.  My mom just said to keep him on a diet…whatever that is.  Anyway, he’s unbloated now.  And now he doesn’t even stink so bad.”

Congress is now in recess, and going back to their homes to figure out how to re-boost their approval ratings.  One congressman said he’s going to schedule some free bingo tournaments with his constituents.  He said he accumulated some great giveaways, procured with some extra earmark funds he had stashed away. “Freebies always put people in better moods,” he said.  “I think I’ll be back up in the 10 to 12% approval rating by September.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you knew that, didn’t you?

And hope that your ear’s full of wax.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

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Last year, the Siesta Club, Bizarreville’s most radical environmental activist group, filed a lawsuit challenging the amount of pollution emitted from 28 Bizarreville manufacturing plants.  The suit alleges that the pollutants have done and continue to do significant harm to humans, animals, and plant life.  They cite a study conducted by the 6th grade Boinkertown Elementary School which particularly focused on the ill-effects of sulfur dioxide.  The students conducted a lab experiment showing high levels of SO2 made various species of weeds turn brown and made some grasshoppers act crazy.  “Plus it smelled pretty bad…like someone cut one,” reported one of the science students.

The Siesta Club is trying to force the 28 factories to install high-tech pollution control equipment to settle the suit.  “It doesn’t matter what it costs,” said Dr. J. Perch Plumpsnark, executive director of the Club.  “You can’t put a price tag on health.  What’s the price of poor old Rover developing a life-long hacking cough?  What’s the price of seeing leaves on perfectly good weeds with nasty brown edges everywhere you look?  What about poor grampaw suffering from emphysema after 60 years of chain-smoking, now unable to take a full breath because of these pollutants?  Priceless…that’s what.”

A spokesman for the Bizarreville Manufacturers Association responded to the suit by saying that the amount of SO2 emitted by these factories was equivalent to putting an eyedrop of roach urine in the Indian Ocean.  He said the cost of installing the control equipment would be somewhere north of $65 billion, would increase operating costs 18%, result in 4 million additional tons of waste entering landfills, and…incidently…have a deteriorating effect on the globe’s ozone layer.  “These whackos cannot be serious about this lawsuit,” the BMA spokesman said.  “I know that a lot of the club members are chronic dope-smokers, but it looks like someone has been putting some pretty nasty stuff in their bongs lately.”

The BMS asked for the case to be summarily dismissed.  But the District Judge refused to grant a dismissal.  Risking a contempt of court filing, the BMA spokesman responded, “Looks like the Judge has been toking off that same bong.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the enviro-whacko ones.

The President met with senior leaders of the Bizarreville Congress all weekend attempting to forge a government spending/debt reduction deal in order to allow the Debt ceiling to be raised.  The sides continued to be far apart due to the enormous number of sacred cows that were unwilling to be compromised.

Congress asked the President to put an end to all the stupid wars around the world that had no apparent mission, no tangible benefit, and were wasting money by the hundreds of billions.  The President responded that useless missions were a fundamental promise he made to citizens during his campaign, and he could not back down now.  He pointed out the progress made in Funkistan to unseat the ruthless dictator Elmo Shlabba.  “Yes, sir, but who gives a crap about Funkistan?” commented a congressional leader.  “The only thing they contribute to the world economy is that they produce 1% of the world’s lima beans.  Who in the hell likes lima beans??  They taste like bird doo-doo.”  The President responded that there was more to the situation than lima beans, but admitted he did, in fact, like lima beans.

The President then turned the tables and insisted on the need for new tax increases.  “It’s been years since we’ve had a good, old-fashion, healthy tax increase.  If you go too long, taxpayers get complacent and forget about their responsibility to cover entitlements to those less-motivated.  These poor people are entitled, by their birthright in Bizarreville, to be able to sponge for a living.  And somebody’s got to pay the ever-increasing tab.  You don’t turn a blind eye to these people, and ignore them just because they’re lazy.  That’s not who we are.”

Opposition party leaders rebuked the idea of tax increases, stating that their Tea Party constituents feel they’ve been taxed enough already.  But the President promised that his proposed tax increases would not apply to everyone…only those people that had a job.  He further proposed that he would require all businesses to give every employee a 10% raise to compensate for their increased taxes.  “That way,” he said, “No one is really hurt.  We make everyone whole, and guess what?  The National Debt gets chiseled away.”  The opposing leaders said they might be able to live with that stipulation, but counter-proposed that the increase be 15%, just to be on the safe side.

But Congress still wants a meaningful reduction in stupid government spending and lame, nonsensical government bureaucracy that produces no intrinsic national value.  The President commented that they have tried doing that before in the past, but inevitably it ends up going nowhere.  “The bureaucracy kills all bureaucracy-killers, and furthermore, adds new bureaucracy in the fight.  Every spending-reduction initiative results in more spending.  Every streamline attempt creates new turbulence.  It’s a bureaucratic paradox…a Bureaudox.  Best just to give up, stay the course with the status quo, and not fuss.”

Congress seems to be weakening their position on spending cuts, now that the Bureaudox concept has come to light.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The University of Bizarreville yesterday was stripped of its 4th place conference football finish when it was learned that the school violated BCAA rules.  UB’s star right guard has been alleged to have accepted a double cheeseburger and large fry combo meal from a UB alumnus last October at Slim’s Taste-d-Grease Burger Emporium.  The BCAA official stated that they have video proof of Ernie “Longmember” Johnson walking into Slim’s, taking delivery of the combo meal, and paying for it with what looked like a used Harry Potter movie ticket.  The burger clerk was found to be a UB alumnus who graduated with a History degree, and allegedly also slipped him a gratis hot apple pie.  Since that allegation could not be unequivocally substantiated, it was not included in the sanctions against the university.

Longmember Johnson will also be stripped of his football scholarship, be asked to return his jersey, and be forced to spend 20 hours of community service in the public restroom maintenance department.

Longmember still insists that he paid for the burger meal with a folded sawbuck that just happened to look like a Harry Potter ticket.  He thought it might be some kind of commemorative 10-spot.  “For all I know, maybe it was honoring the whole Harry Potter series.  You know they do things like that all the time.”  He also stated that the burger sucked and the fries were cold, for what it’s worth.

The University offered no comment, except to say it would accept the vacating of its 4th place finish.  A spokesman said they would be meeting with all players and coaches to stress the importance of not accepting burger combo meals, whether they sucked or not.  “We’ll be telling them it’s not the quality of the violation meal that’s important.  It is the principle of the thing.  Don’t even accept a single White Castle, a Krystal burger, or a value-menu order of fries.  They’re watching you.  One skinny little french fry, and you’re home watching Lucy reruns with momma.”

UB coach Snuffbucket was asked if he thought the team could repeat its 4th place finish without Longmember.  “Doubtful.  He was a large load on that right side.  Not sure we have anyone with that much sheer bulk to fill his shoes.  Be happy to get a sixth place next year.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but generally not too far off the mark.

The Bizarreville Congress continues to argue and debate spending and taxing scenarios ad nauseum, and wily congressmen are digging deep to gin up new schemes with clever-sounding, catchy names.  The most recent one, proposed by Senator J. Ribbletart Twadd, is what he called “Cut, Cap, Balance, Toss, and Mop”.  It includes an element to please everyone…or displease everyone.  No matter.

The proposition starts with a healthy, aggressive series of spending cuts.  There will naturally be the low-hanging fruit cuts of obvious goofy programs like Ant Hill Architecture Study.  But then it will get to the major cuts in all government agencies, resulting in layoffs of millions of pencil-pushing spreadsheet shufflers, thumb-twiddling admino-funk journeymen, and other office seat warmers.  Large staffs of finance clerks will be replaced by Bob from AccountTemps, and HR departments will be appropriately vaporized.  Congressmen who have enjoyed bulging staffs of administrative uber-flunkies with lavish budgets will be trimmed down to sharing Dorothy, the husky girl Friday who got lost around Tuesday.

The second element would be to Cap the Debt Ceiling.  Most legislators are in agreement on this element…the question is:  what limit?  A straw poll was taken and the ranges varied, but it seemed like consensus could be reached by calling the cap $1 quadrillion…a good round number, and certainly a cap that would allow the millions and millions of people currently sponging off the system to ween off.

Balancing the Budget is the tough one.  Congress members become brainwashed early in their terms of office that there is no need to balance, never has been a need to balance…why start now?  They are indoctrinated into the Backscratching culture, the Whats In It For Me negotiating whine, and actually take night classes on Financial Bumblenomics 101, 102, and Advanced Wasteage and Pissaways.  The thought of balancing is so abhorrent to them that it leads to the 4th element:  Toss.

Tossing of Cookies will most certainly happen as these addicted spendaholics are faced with the Balancing grim reality…the end of spending freedom as they knew it.  That internal stress/strain will pull hard on their abdominal muscles, causing massive stomach acid release, and the inevitable projectile Chow Blow.  The good news is that soon the blowing and dry heaving ends.  The bodily systems learn to adapt to the new reality of living within means.  The contracted muscles and popped-out veins begin to return to their normal state.

All that remains is the Mopping.  This could be a tough issue, given the pink-slipping of would-be moppers among the congressional flunk staff.  But that’s when the Constitutional process comes in…a new Constitutional Amendment which requires senators and congresspeople to mop up their own stinky vomit.  It is quite certain that this amendment would quickly receive the 75% state passage votes, and become law of the land.

While the Cut, Cap, Balance, Toss, Mop proposal seems logical, almost a slam-dunk in its attractiveness, it still faces some uphill battles convincing the Congressional Old Fart caucus, who may struggle seeing its merits.  Stay tuned.

All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sensible ones.